About Last Night: Damages, 24, Price of Beauty, Dancing With the Stars

It was a very busy night on TV last night. Damages had a killer finale, 24′s Jack flew off the handle, Pam Anderson worked her moneymaker, and Jessica Simpson stayed very dumb and pretty.

Was it worth it?

Damages: SlifeGoesOn

Last night’s epic 90-minute Damages served not only as a season finale, but also as a possible series finale, since the fate of the show on FX has yet to be determined. Since this could be the end of the line for Patty & Co., the show’s writers decided to pull out all the stops, and go out in style, with a bang rather than a whimper. Luckily for viewers, they erred on the side of caution and opted to wrap up as many loose ends as possible, rather than leave us questions and cliffhangers.

Wes returned and told Ellen the truth about Frobisher’s role in the murder of her fiancé, David. Wes then made the ultimate sacrifice and turned himself in for the murder of Messer in order to help Ellen put Frobisher behind bars for his crime.

Meanwhile, the Tobin family beautifully imploded on itself. Joe learned of Winstone’s betrayal and his mother’s endless lies and fell off the wagon – HARD! He sent DiFalco to murder Winstone, and drunkenly threw Marilyn out of his motel room and out of his life. Marilyn couldn’t forgive herself for Tessa’s murder, and committed suicide by jumping off a bridge into the East River.

Patty had misgivings about Tom’s deal with Winstone, which didn’t go exactly as planned. Things got a little messy when DiFalco showed up, stabbed Tom, and strangled Winstone! Winstone shot DiFalco, but it was Tom who finished him off with a wrench. Ellen still got the evidence she needed, but Winstone double-crossed them by stealing the money for himself and jetting out of the country.

Tom survived his stab wounds, but his luck ran out when Joe Tobin cornered him at home and drowned him in his own toilet. Patty thought she was clever by having Jill arrested for having sex with a minor. But her plan backfired, and it turned out that her son Michael was the one who plowed into Patty’s car in an attempt to kill her. Patty let Michael get away, but she used Ellen’s evidence to get a confession from Joe.

After Tom’s funeral, Patty and Ellen shared a tender moment. Patty confessed that her recent horse-filled nightmares were a result of the guilt she felt over sacrificing her unborn child in favor of her burgeoning career. “Was it worth it?” Ellen asked. Patty didn’t answer, but she didn’t have to, and Ellen walked away…

Jessica Simpson’s Price of Beauty: HoneyGangsta

Last night on Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty, we stopped off in Tokyo to experience both old and new ideas of beauty. Naturally a former Miss Universe was the Beauty Ambassador. I guess that’s the price of beauty in Japan. Jess and CaCee made very weak attempts at acting like geisha, then they visited the Harajuku district to find out what Gwen Stefani was writing songs about.

When no rich Japanese men offered the girls marriage, they consoled themselves at a day spa where they screamed walking over some rocks in a stream that are supposed to massage pressure points in your feet, then screamed even louder when they experienced a fishy pedicure. They also met a lady who wanted to have surgery on her eyelids to make her eyes look bigger. Then they had a fashion show. It was a weird episode. Stay tuned for more!

Dancing with the Stars: Chooch

MOVIE NIGHT on DWTS!! I thought they’d do some of those old musical numbers that Gene Kelley & Fred Astaire turned into classics, but they wimped out & gave us pop tunes from the “80′s. I can live with that though… especially when I get to see Jake Pavelka in his underpants!

Niecy Nash is using everything in her power to distract from the fact that she just can’t “get her groove on”. Her orange & yellow fringe outfit showed off her “jiggly parts”. She was declared the best Shimmy Queen ever. Planting a huge red kiss on Len’s forehead was also entertaining & the judges praised her energy during her jive to “La Bamba”. The truth was in their scores. She got an 18 (6-6-6).

My friend Erin (who watches DWTS with me) told me that Chad Ocho was an asshole, but I thought he was kind of charming… until last night. He’s just full of himself, isn’t he…. “God’s gift to women”. It was creepy watching him hit on Cheryl every chance he got, trying to make us all believe he’s tapping that. Cheryl has spread her legs for many a man, but she’s tired of his shit. The girl wants to win one more time & he’s not paying attention. Doing the quick step to The Jungle Book’s “Bare Necessities” had some good & some bad moments. Maybe he’s just too lanky. While standing before the judges, he started his awkward advances once again. CarrieAnn was feeling the weirdness too. In the end, they got an 18 (6-6-6). By the way, Cheryl’s tiger dress was awesome!

I wish I could tell you how good ESPN’s Erin was, jiving to “You Never Can Tell” from Pulp Fiction, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of Maks. He’s a Greek Dancing God….Perfection! Okay… I’m suppose to talk about Erin…. hmmm, the judges said she danced too fast trying to keep up with Maks (who performed a flawless routine) but they liked her enough to give her a 22 (7-7-8). Erin stated that she’d stop arguing with Maks if he gives her a ring just like the one Chad gave Cheryl last week. With that declaration, Maks “exited stage right”!

Our “Bachelor” Jake loves being naked & I don’t mind one bit. I didn’t watch his show, so I know nothing about what he was like on there. I only know that he’s adorable on DWTS. Standing in the middle of the dance floor in nothing but a white shirt & underpants, gave me a rush. I thought he was going to cha-cha-cha to Risky Business’s “Old Time Rock & Roll” like that. I was pissed when Chelsey threw him a pair of pants! The judges liked him enough to give him a 23 (8-7-8).

I love it when a dance is over & the camera pans the audience & lands on the other couple’s as they unceremoniously clap for the most recent pair facing the judges. They look anything but thrilled, especially of they were good. Their lack of enthusiasm just proves that they are NOT “one big happy family” as they keep trying to tell us. You can read it all over their faces.

Pamela Anderson is the one I vote for every week. I’m sure she won’t win, but I’d like her to stick around until the finals. She danced the quick step to Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5″ & was not only entertaining, as usual, but very good at it. Len was all pissy over the opening of the routine. He doesn’t like all the props & dramatics. He wanted more dancing. I was impressed that they danced up the chair, onto the table & then down the other chair to the floor. It was enough to give them a 21 (7-6-8).

Attempting a foxtrot to The Breakfast Club’s “Don’t You Forget About Me’ was kind of ironic. All I wanted to do was forget that nightmare “dance of the dead”. Kate Gosselin must go! This woman has absolutely NO rhythm. No wonder Jon cheated. It must have been like fucking a corpse. Her total inability to get even remotely excited is proof of that. This woman couldn’t possibly fake an orgasm. It’s just not in her…. & sadly, I don’t ever see anything IN her. Was I too harsh? A “15″ (5-5-5) from the judges and Bruno declaring that she looked “catatonic”, should be enough to finally send her home.

Derek & his Pussy are destined to win this thing. I have no doubt about it. Nicole, with her dance background, can whine all she wants, that this is all new to her, but I’m not buying it. Their tango to “Pretty Woman” was amazing! Her red dress, long gloves & perfect lines were mesmerizing to watch. It was beautiful & they deserved the 29 (10-9-10) the judges gave them. Len is still a tad strict with them, but I think it’s because he knows they will win in the end & he wants perfection. I still think it’s not fair to the others that she has so much more experience. Poor Kate… she’s no match for Nicole. who I’m pretty sure could fake an orgasm.

Evan, Evan, Evan…. step away from the tanning bed! Dude, you’re orange…. it’s clashing with curtains in the “celebrarium”. His dance was the rumba to Armageddon’s “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing”. He did very well, of course & scored a 27 (9-9-9). The fact that he has to do this show & “Stars On Ice” at the same time, just shows how dedicated he is to both. I just like to watch him skate. As for Anna, she was literally half naked. Her sparkling blue dress was non-existent on her left side while fully covered on her right. Edyta would be proud!

24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx

10) Dalia Hassan: She’d rank a little higher if weren’t for the whole “Russians and Americans completely undermining her efforts and showing zero faith in her ability to lead by making back-door deals excluding her” thing. She’s the new kid in school. Everyone is being nice to her face so far, but nobody really likes a do-gooder who earnestly joins the student government and tries her very best. If she wants to fit in fast, she should start a rumor about the slutty German Chancellor hooking up with the British PM. She’ll be at the popular table in no time. Everyone loves a good gossip.

9) Dana: Needs to go ahead and transfer already. She tried to play all of the angles and cliques against each other, which never works out. At this point, not even a heartfelt mea culpa in front of everyone in the cafeteria will do the trick. When you get beaten up by the Prom King/Quarterback and everyone just kind of stands around secretly enjoying it…you know it’s time to throw in the towel. Maybe prison will be the best thing for her. It’s like an all-girls boarding school except butcher and rougher.

8) Arlo: What can you really say about Arlo? I think he just needs to get out of CTU High and go blossom in college. Hopefully he’ll outgrow the whiny, pervy creepster thing and catch his stride in life by having real relationships with (drunk and desperate) girls. Sometimes, all it really takes is making a few friends who didn’t know you back when you were a runty chronic masturbator going through a delayed puberty.

7) Cole: Will probably need to learn to stop speaking after graduation. He’s pretty…but the slack-jawed and slow on the uptake thing gets tiresome in the real world. If Cole plays his cards right he’s got a comfortable life waiting for him that involves getting fat at a middle-management desk and a little place in the burbs.

6) Evil Russians: Gotta hand to the old Red Bears at rival Russkie High. They’ve knocked us all for a loop with their meddling and pranks. But I predict Jack and the gang will be ready to take them on at the big Championship Game later this season.

5) Former President Logan: The smooth-talking but ultimately self-serving Preppie dude never wins in the end. He may have convinced President Taylor to turn to the dark side for a little while, but he’ll be exposed in the end. And I have to confess I’m having fun watching him ooze up the joint this season.

4) President Taylor: Troubled teen alert! President Taylor fell into a bad after-school special about peer pressure this week. One one shoulder, Ethan the angel tried to tell her to live up to her ideals. On the other, sleazy old Logan was telling her to go ahead be cool and light the doobie of compromised morals in the name of a “greater good.” Then, after falling in with the bad crowd, she went and alienated all of her former goody-goody pals like Jack and Chloe by barking at them and telling them it was her way or the highway. Next week, her grades are going to start to suffer and she’s going to get wasted at a party and have black-out sex with a senior. It’s not going to be pretty.

3) Ethan Kanin: Poor Ethan conveniently recuperated from his convalescence AND did a 180 on Logan just in time (read: within an hour) to re-insert himself into the drama. It seems to me that our buddy Kanin was pulling the “my belly hurts and I need to stay home” maneuver to get out of midterms. That’s something I did many many times, so he’s OK in my book.

2) Chloe: I like seeing Chloe in charge, but can’t help but wish she’d “dirty it up” a little more. Remember when she pulled a gun on those dudes in the server room earlier season? That was awesome. She’s like Sandy in Grease. I want her to go back to the black outfit, big hair, and slutty come-ons…except in a professional Counter-Terrorism kick-ass way. Does that make any sense?

1) Jack: Jack is over all of these losers. The average kid would just go home and write painful poetry about being misunderstood. Not Jack. He steals a chopper and flies up out of that bitch. That is why Jack is amazing and the rest of us are not.