About Last Night: Lost, V, Millionaire Matchmaker, and Dancing With the Stars

Last night, Jack took a swim, aliens tried to convince us to go green blue, BobbleHead Cohen had a chance to dish with Patti and make us cringe, and America finally pulled their heads out of their behinds on Dancing with the Stahs.

Sorry, but we voted and that was the least sexy samba ever.

Lost: Ack

This week on Lost, on the island Mocke and Jack had a one-on-one in which Mocke admitted that he has been known to dabble in cross-dressing – with dead people’s bodies, that is! He also told Jack that Locke was a big sucker and nothing more.

After lots of planning/running around, Mocke told Sawyer to meet him on the beach so they could sail across to the other island together, but of course Sawyer made his own plan to escape from Mocke’s evil clutches and go cash in on that deal he had with Widmore! Then Mocke told Sayid to kill Desmond, which Sayid claims he did, but we all know he didn’t because Desmond is all zen and stuff now and probably convinced him otherwise.

So all the Losties meet up at Sawyer’s escape boat (including Claire, whom Kate is trying to pull back from the Dark Side), and they get going. Only problem is when they’re halfway across, Jack has a change of heart and Sawyer tells him to GTFO, which he does by jumping off the boat and swimming back to the island. Sawyer’s group finally gets to Hydra Island, Sun and Jin reunite in a super cute way, but then poor man’s TIna Fey pulls guns on everyone (the deal with Widmore is off, apparently) and then calls in an attack on the other island! Team Mocke (now including Jack) gets bombed, but Mocke pulls Jack off the battlefield and tells him he’ll be peachy keen now that he’s on his side.

In the Sideways World, all our Losties are starting to congregate, albeit unintentionally! Sun and Jin are both okay (and so is their baby!). Sawyer and Kate flirted for a bit in the police station, and then Sawyer went with Miles to arrest Sayid for murdering Keamy & Friends while he was trying to flee from Nadia’s house. Desmond stalked Claire and convinced her to see Ilana, a lawyer, and oh by the way she just happened to show up for the reading of Christian’s will, which Jack and his son were there to hear! Claire tells Jack that they are half-siblings, and then Jack is called away to the hospital to save Locke, who he recognizes on the operation table.

Millionaire Matchmaker: SexyPanda

Last night, we got a special treat. Sure, Season 3 of Millionaire Matchmaker technically ended last week. But this week, Patti sat with our friend Andy Cohen in some crap den in NYC to talk turkey. We chatted with Zagros, Jimmy D, Hobbit Hands, and, my absolute favorite, Ayinde. We got montages, we got advice, we got Skyped within an inch of our lives.

Patti butchers common slang, and Andy makes awkward segues. Come back to read more about it, won’t you?

Hey Gasmii, all sorts of stuff happened on last night’s episode of V. Anna wanted to share the power of marbles with the world. We found out that Bailey 2.0 has to suck his gut in, even in his dreams. Wow, I thought I was the only one who had to do that. He’s like my twin, my teeny tiny little twin. High School Musical Kid tells FBI Mom he wants to live with the V’s because she’s a big fat fibber and then joins the out of the atmosphere club with Space Alien Bait. Speaking of Space Alien Bait, she gets HSMK to take off his crappy Peace Ambassador jacket, by having sex with him. Hey, whatever gets the job done. Oh, and she doesn’t get killed by her mom.

Morris Chestnut spends the whole episode looking for Obilivia and their little snake skinned bundle of joy. Finally, FBI Mom, Soap Opera Priest, and Hobbs the mercenary work to save a fat guy, and fail miserably. And we’re not even going to get into Anna and Space Alien Bait squishing one of her step-brothers right now. Anyway, if you’re a fan of crappy CGI effects, climaxes of episodes that happen at amusement parks, or fictional islands being leveled by natural disasters, then you desperately need to see this episode.

Dancing With the Stars: HappyHousewife and Chooch

HappyHousewife:

You all must have taken my threats of quitting seriously, because finally, mercifully, Shitler was voted off. While I’m sure we will all miss the fabulous massive quantities of recap fodder she provided, our eyes and souls will now be saved. Who wants to estimate just how much ratings are going to drop next week without her? Between AI’s lack of talent this season, and no Gosselin on DWTS, we’re all going to have to go watch The Biggest Loser on Tuesdays instead. *Spoiler* Vicky went home last night. Oh yeah, I’m talking about DWTS. Filler, Filler, Maks is hot, filler, filler, Shitler went home. The end.

Chooch:

I love the way Dancing With the Stars keeps trying to change things up so it doesn’t look like the same-old, same-old. Last night they did the eliminations a tad different. Everyone stayed on the twin staircase & Tom called them down to the front in pairs, according to their scores. Right off the bat, he called down the two couples in the top & bottom spot. Of course that was Nicole & Derek on top with Kate & Tony on the bottom. He didn’t toy around with them, letting Nicole know she was safe & Kate was in the bottom. The red light hit her for the first time. Hard to believe she’d never been there before.

I thought for sure the judges would want to see Derek & Nicole’s tango repeated but they surprised me & chose Jake & Chelsie’s cha-cha-cha, with Jake & his underpants once again on display! Bruno & I were both thrilled.

The “filler” portion of the show had me hitting the fast-forward a couple of times. I did enjoy another segment of Adam Corolla’s “Between the Mirror Balls”. He was spot-on in his belief that Kate & Tony’s fox-trot was in slow motion. He was also incredulous at the fact that Len commented on Evan’s spins being perfect when Evan IS a figure dancer (he didn’t say skater) & he did them for a living.

The Macy’s moment was pretty good with the dancers doing updated dancing versions of old movies such as “Saturday Night Fever” & “Fame”. Debbie Allen, who’d been heavily promoted as a guest, got to speak one line from the original “Fame” & bang her stick to the beat. She was on-air longer in the promos.

In the end, it came down to Jake, Chad, Pamela & Kate in the bottom 4, with the two guys getting a reprieve, leaving the girls basking in that dreadful red light.Tom & the judges were quick to point out that these were the “two most popular dancers of the season”. Well Kate was finally put out of her misery & she was overcome with tears. So was I, but mine were from relief. If Pamela had gone home instead of her, I would have been outraged. I voted 10 times for her last night! Next week, the stars are designing the pros costumes. I’m sure it will be fun to see what they come up with, don’t you? I just hope Erin puts Maks in something tight & skimpy!