About Last Night: Heroes, The Bachelor, 24, and Fantasia, fuhreal?

There was a whole lot going on in TV last night. Sylar and Peter had a chance to make out but neither was forthcoming with a rose, and Jack Bauer failed to rid Fantasia of the terrorist invading her pool house.

I’m comin’ for ya, Teeny!!

Heroes: Copyhacker

Last night on Heroes: Copyhacker returned from the Trial of the Century! So it probably wouldn’t make a late-night Court TV rerun, but it was enough to lock me inside a tiny jury room for a week, AWOL for recap

duty, with 12 strangers and burnt coffee that smelled vaguely of mold and styrofoam. Flipit is probably going to sue me or have my sorry butt thrown in jail if the law allows, so I may be going right back to

court. But hey, while I was out, I got to watch Heroes! So what happened last night? Well, before I answer that, Your Honor, let me take you back to last week, or, as I call it, the Lost Unrecapped

Episode…

Has Heroes wasted yet another season of our lives? What say you, foreman?

***DIDDLY FLASHBACK MUSIC***

Samuel went from zero to hero among the carnies by staging a shootout and blaming it all on HRG. Everyone and their brother showed up there, just in time to see HRG get dragged in quite theatrically by Copy Boy. Oh, and Lydia bought the farm. One guest star down. Too bad it wasn’t Gretchen, but there are still two episodes left. Sylar went out to LA (he can still fly, I think?) and begged Matt to take away his powers. I don’t know that it’s still begging if you threaten the guy’s wife, but anyway. Matt agreed, but after taking away his powers, he used his Papa Parkman power and locked Sylar up alone in his head. Then he started to brick him up in his basement, but Peter showed up to haul Sylar off to help rescue Emma from the carnival. One thing led to another, and now Peter is stuck in Sylar’s head *with* Sylar, which

pretty much hoses everything.

Which brings us to last night’s Episode, entitled The Wall. Maybe it’s The Wall in Parkman’s basement. Maybe Claire don’t need no education. Who knows. Anyway. In an idea swiped (again) from Star Trek, Peter and Sylar went on a couples’ retreat inside Sylar’s head, and had a breakthrough in their relationship. Samuel plugged HRG into his memory projector (which only runs in black and white) to show Claire for the two dozenth time what a Bad Guy her dad really is. It didn’t work. It never does. Samuel really should’ve watched the first three seasons before trying that. The highlights: Long ago in the 80s, HRG had a wife and unborn child killed by a robber with superpowers. So, like Peter Parker in reverse, HRG went to work for the Company and became the ruthless Powa Hata that he is today. This deep dark secret failed (again) to turn Claire against him, so Sam buried them both in a trailer and took the rest of the carnival to wreak havoc in New York. New York needs a break already. Why do supervillains keep picking on the Big Apple?

The Bachelor: HoneyGangsta

Last night on The Bachelor Jake visits San Francisco, where Mean Ali happens to reside, so she takes it as a huge nod in her favor. Jake goes on single dates with Princess Tenley, Corrie and Mean Ali, while Gia and Wiener have to share him for a date. Jake is very fixated on marriage at the moment and wants to know what each girl envisions marriage being like. Princess Tenley just wants a husband who won’t cheat on her, Corrie would like someone she can lose her virginity to, Mean Ali wants someone who will buy her flowers, Gia wants someone who can sympathize with the rough life of a swimsuit model, and Wiener wants someone who will act like a six-year-old and replace all the cars she crashes.

What happens when Wiener sneaks into Jake’s bedroom one night? Does Mean Ali confront Jake with an “unexpected” talking to? Will Princess Tenley ever get back to Tokyo Disney? Stay tuned for all the nonsense!

24 Character Rankings: Dogsnaxx

***He won’t be here full time this season, but let’s welcome Dogsnaxx back for weekly mini caps!! This week will be a character ranking primer to get set for the rest of the year…er…day.

10) Boss Hastings: I know every season needs someone standing in an office telling Jack they know better what to do in the field. It’s part of what makes the ‘24′ we know and love. I can handle it. But this dude is just the worst! I’ll save my words for those higher on the list.

9) Arlo the Perv: Every time we learn more about Arlo, it’s a new shade of awfulness. What we know: He’s a narcissistic, dorky perv and his colleagues despise him. But if he continues to piss Chloe off enough to get her time on my TV screen, he doesn’t deserve last place.

8) Cole: Though he did some spectacular sharp shooting and saved the hour, he ruined it all by attempting a wiener measuring contest with Jack over some field Ops technicalities. He’s still young, but I have to question the intelligence of anyone that tries to get all up in Jack Bauer’s face. That boy needs to learn to smile and say “Yes, Sir”!

7) President Hassan: I didn’t like him when he tried to trick that little Slumdog boy out of winning, but this stuff he’s doing now is REALLY tickin’ me off. Basically, all of his problems are because of rods. President Hassan was too busy showing his to a leggy Blonde reporter to notice his administration and family crumbling around him. His brother Farhad was getting his polished by hookers while the Russian Mob was waving uranium ones like glow-sticks at a rave. The head of security seems to be showing HIS to the President’s daughter. But more importantly, his wife has one bigger than anybody, and you just KNOW she isn’t exactly on his side anymore.

6) The Brothers McRussian: At a Glance, you might think two strapping, young, wealthy and good-looking young brothers have the world on a string. But if you knew about the Daddy Issues behind the scenes, you’d be lobbying the American Psychiatric Association, Children’s Protection Services, and of course Congress for a full investigation into the harmful effects of the Russian Mob on little children! Hoo-boy!

5) The Dana Show: This one is also known as “Take one part ‘La Femme Nikita’, mix it up with some ‘Bonnie and Clyde’, add a little ‘Hee-Haw’ juice and then dust it with some ‘Deliverance’ sprinkles.” I started out hating Dana, but now her comedy segments are my favorite part of ‘24′! This week, that crazy, lovable wacky blonde decided a little juvenile delinquency was just something she COULD NOT BEAR her colleagues (who call her “Ms. Perfect”) to know about. The solution: She’s gonna break a whole boatload of Federal, State, and Local laws to help the dude that her took her virginity (behind a Dairy Queen) steal a bunch of drug money from evidence lock-up! Oh, Dana!

4) Renee: I don’t know what they did with my lovable little Zombie Spice Renee, but this Haunted, Goth-Music-listening, strung-out Renee is freaking me out a little. I wanted to make a joke about “Vlad the Impaler,” but it’s creepy and not funny. Basically nothing about Renee is funny this season! Her life is like a ‘Cure’ song and she just keeps getting spat on in the face by the universe. It’s sad! Chin up, Renee…we still love you!

3) President Taylor: Granted, Cherry Jones hasn’t been given much to do yet this season. But I’m just coming to grips with the negative effects that Ho-Livia had on MY life. President Taylor lived through that shit for 30-some years, so she’ll never be lower than 3rd place on my list.

2) Chloe: Want to know why Chloe is so awesome? She had one line in the entire episode, but it stole the show! Nobody puts a dorky narcissistic little perv in his place like Chloe. Plus, she got a shot of her butt on national TV, effectively mooning the world.

1) Jack: Because he’s JACK, duh! Plus, he looks super-smart with glasses on and speaks bad-ass German. And because I can’t wait until next week to see some Bauer-style vengeance passed down on Vlad the Impaler!

Fantasia: For Real

Last night’s episode confirmed that this is the most boring reality show ever. Can’t Spencer the Rat stop by and talk Fanny into some plastic surgery or Chris Harrison parachute in with ten thugs and some roses or something? Shit.

Gayface hires Fanny a life coach to figure out all the “stress” in her life. I think a chemical dependency counselor would be of more service, but whatever.

The lack of drama ensures that they are going to be drawing out the situation with Weenie for as long as possible, and stopping to beat it to death along the way. He pulls some passive aggressive stunt by having one of his mule friends bring by a $2 gas station single rose and a card that simultaneously blames Fanny for the fight and apologizes for it. She accepts the rose but tells the errand boy to let the Weenster know that this is not over.

We meet Fanny’s Grandmother, who surprisingly, is lacking in the hoodrat gene that everybody else in this family carries. She organizes a “family meeting” to discuss things, and at last glance is left waiting by the Weenster, who had promised her he was coming…dun dun dun.