About Last Night: Top Chef and The Challenge

Lat night, Kenny got a brain but the Housewives? Not as lucky. They did get to drink a lot though.

He looks good now, but the second he stops working out he’s gonna have boobs down to his ankles.

The Challenge: Virginia Apple

Well, the Wizard of Fresh Meat 2 was hard at work this week, Gasmii. He gave Kenny a brain, Walnuts was graced with courage, and luckily for us, instead of a heart he gave Jenn a acid tongue, which she used to give a hardcore Fresh Meat Smackdown that included the coinage of “whoreskank” and led to the use of the word “exoskeleton.” Everybody wins!

Except this is the Challenge, so obviously SOMEONE has to lose. The challenge itself was a pretty poor showing overall, which allowed Kenny and Laurel to take the victory and throw a fun little wrench into Wes’ Master Plan. It ended up being the Battle of the Alliances in Exile, as the second bananas from both sides were sent in. Check back for the full recap to see which team the Wizard sent back to Kansas. Also, we must discuss whether Jenn is the smartest or the dumbest player in the game. She’s either one or the other and right now I’m leaning toward smartest.

Top Chef: J-Mo

On last night’s episode of Top Chef Masters I damn near frightened myself to death with the eerie accuracy of my psychic predictions concerning this week’s show. Remember how I said that the only thing the Real Housewives Of Orange County could really taste was booze? Well, I totally did. Anyhow, wouldn’t you know it, the QuickFire Challenge this week was to create a dish to pair with *GASP* an alcoholic drink! They even brought in a “mixologist” lady who proceeded to make about 47 fabulous cocktails and get the entire group of Masters completely bombed before they even began to cook. Then again, if I was a professional chef and I knew I was going to have my cooking talents and food judged by the likes of Tamra Blarney, Slurry McSlackyJaw, and Mallard-Mouth Alexis, I’d probably need to get hammered first, too. Fuck it, I’d just get flat-out high as a kite and serve them a bowl of Chee-Tos. Thankfully, the producers haven’t tossed ALL of their credibility to the winds by having these bitches on the show: they bring in Gramma Gael Greene to judge as well. Oh, and Mallard-Mouth makes a comment that leaves the door wiiiiiide open for me to blast her sanctimonious silicone-pumped ass a good one. And blast her I will.

Since this is the Masters group that consists entirely of Returning Loozahs, there are naturally already some tensions between them, and here’s where I became a LaToya Jackons Psychic Stah all over again… as I predicted, Ludo LeFebvre is causing most of the problems! Everything from clashing with Rick Moonen over exactly what kind of Pub Grub they get to reinvent (both want to rework the Fish & Chips) to haggling over the limited space in the kitchen (my sweet Teddy Graham Elliot nearly pops Ludo’s head off for bugging him about the use of a goddamned cutting board) to reasserting that the English Have No Taste And Are Perpetually Jealous Of The French. OK, somebody please remind me, WHICH country deified Jerry Lewis again? And yes, although Ludo-crous LOOKS cleaner than last time, I will probably still be drawing flies hovering around him in all of my screen caps. Because I’m just that kind of cheesy childish chubby bitchbastard. Plus, Wylie Dufresne’s hair is still horrible, Mark Peel’s still a jughead, and Jonathan Waxman proves that he’s not a Dark-Sided-Warrior after all. I’ll be back with the recap (and a surprise) in a couple of days, so watch this space!