About Last Night: 24, Dancing With the Stars, Jessica Simpson’s Price of Beauty

Last night, Kate stayed banished, Jessica taught us why we should banish all crotch hair, and President Taylor banished good sense.

Dancing with the Stars: Chooch

How is “Dancing With the Stars” going to survive without Kate Gosselin? Apparently just fine. To tell you the truth, I’d forgotten all about her. That is, until they reminded us of her exit at the start of the show. At least they didn’t dwell on it and got right on with the show. *side-note* Why the hell do they make it 92 min. long… just to fuck with my DVR?

It was “Swing Dance Week”. This is where all the couples dance together and the judges eliminate them one at a time. The longer you last, the more points you get added to the final score. This didn’t take place till the end of the show, so I’ll hold my thoughts til the end too. Only two dances performed last night, the Samba and the Argentine Tango (not to be confused with the generic Tango). Neither one is a favorite of mine. Jake and Chelsie took the stage first with the Samba. He tripped on the steps, setting him off balance for a second, but he recovered well. The music SUCKED, so when the judges bitched that he couldn’t keep his rhythm, I could see why. 7-7-7 all the way. (21)

Evan and Anna also did the Samba. Their music was much more “lateenee” and I thought they were both very graceful. But graceful is not good according to the judges. Len claimed this was Evan’s worst dance so far. Once again 7-7-7. In a practice clip, they showed Anna pitching Evan over her shoulders and he landed on his head. A stint at the local “EmergiCare” and a slight concussion later, he was ready to go. (21) Niecy and Louie were doing the Argentine Tango. She still thinks her tits are her best parts but she really tried to make her feet actually dance this time. They added a few laughs to the routine. Niecy kicked Louie in his cahonies, causing him to buckle, all the while trying to take a biscuit away from him. The judges liked the effort she made to really dance this time, but they also scored her 7-7-7! (21)

OMG!!! It’s Tango King Donnie Osmond in the audience!

Erin and Maks did the Samba. We get to see their “fights” in rehearsal and then she comes out in the worst costume of the evening. It’s this huge purple feathered skirt that goes to her knees and makes her ass look like mine. They shake and twist all over the stage and then Maks gets his sleeves ripped off. I think that next he’ll pull off that awful skirt. NO, instead Maks is ripping off more clothes until he’s totally top naked. Now I love Maks and his hot-ass, but it was pointlessly stupid. Of course Len wasn’t pleased and told Erin he keeps giving her 7′s because she’s just not trying her hardest. She should be giving the top two a run for their money. Bruno and CarrieAnn disagree. 9-7-9. (25)

Chad and Cheryl did the Argentine Tango (can’t just say Tango). I really liked their dance. It was crisp and clean and no caffeine (lame.. I know). It was his best and the judges agreed with me. 8-8-8. (24) Oh, for his rehearsal clip, they went to Cleveland for the Bengals draft party….zzzzz. OMG!!! It’s Tango King Donnie Osmond in the audience! Next we are subjected to Nicole and her fake pressure to “get it right”. She was all excited until she found out it was the Samba. She thought it would be the Salsa and she could bring on her Ricky Martin moves. The Samba is HARD!!! Blah, blah, blah…. you just know it’s bullshit when you see them practice. Lifts are allowed in this dance and they did a ton of them. It was almost perfect… that is until they go stand in front of Len. He goes ballistic and jumps all over Derek, spouting on about two key elements missing entirely from the routine. CarrieAnn and Bruno disagree again. 9-7-10! (26)

Pamela and Damien are last. They must do the Argentine Tango. Their practice time was spent discussing being in the “bottom 2″ twice this season. Pam said that she can’t let it bother her. She is loving learning all the new dances. By the way, her black wig and simple black slip is the best costume of the evening. I thought they did well and he picked her upside-down enough times to make me worry about her boobs falling out numerous times. The judges continue to give her praise for “being into the character” of the dance. 7-7-8. (22)

Now the cluster-fuck Swing Dance-Off. I hate this new addition to the show. I think they started it a couple of seasons ago. It just doesn’t work for us at home on the couch. The cameras can’t focus on any one couple and they’re all just flailing around on stage from my viewpoint. One by one, the judges eliminate them. The longer they stay, the more points they get to that final score.

Here’s the final result from the 1st to go:

Jake and Chelsie 21+4+25

Niecy and Louie 21+5=26

Evan and Anna 21+6+27

Chad and Cheryl 24+7=31

Pamela and Damien 22+8=30

Erin and Maks 25+9=34

Nicole and Derek 26+10=36

I’m hoping Chad goes home next, but I’m sure Pamela will be in jeopardy again.

Jessica Simpson’s Price of Beauty: HoneyGangsta

Last night on Jessica Simpson’s The Price of Beauty, we hit the beaches of Brazil to find out why it’s necessary to rid your nether regions of every trace of hair. Here’s the reason: Everybody, no matter how big or small, wore teeny tiny bathing suits on the beach. And they all strutted their stuff like they were Giselle Bundchen. We also learned that plastic surgery is totally hip and cool in Brazil, but shaving your legs is not. That’s right – the hair removal stopped from the thighs down.

Jessica, CaCee and Ken tried to learn how to samba and Ken was the only one who looked remotely successful, and he only achieved that by shaking and convulsing a lot. The crew then participated in Carnival where they wore Vegas showgirl outfits and jiggled all over the place. The biggest lesson learned is that Brazilians don’t seem to be impressed at all with inner beauty – it’s all about the facade. It’s like Los Angeles South! Come back soon for more!

24: Flipit

A fast moving, action filled episode last night with lots of gifts for the audience. Jack VS Chloe! The Prez VS the snake in the garden! Dana VS a nipple twister! We even got a tribute to 80′s action movies in the form of Michael Madsen, who said things like “You’ve got the entire city against you!” and “You’re a walking bullseye! You’re the last thing I need on my doorstep!” He was a “I’m too old for this shit” away from morphing into Danny Glover right before our very eyes.

First of, President Taylor, STOP CRYING! Good Lord woman! You’re the President of the United States! Grow a pair! I could swallow her doing the right thing by not giving into terrorist demands and almost getting NYC blown up. I can kinda suspend disbelief that she would put stock in a peace agreement that really has no meaning if Russia’s planning terrorist attacks against us. I can even shush myself into buying that she’d bring Ethan back to work thirty minutes after a heart attack for the good of the country. What I can’t believe is that one person can cry so damn much.

Madame Pres the Russians did it! WAAAH! Madame Pres they have to be confronted! WAH! The roof is leaking! WAH! She was about to break down into tears even when she was barking out orders to Chloe over the phone. Hillary Clinton got misty eyed when she lost the nomination to Obama by that tree, but she wasn’t the President and she was totally faking it. Point is, the Presidents on this show either get murdered or go off the rails at some point, but I was hoping when she lost it it would be to beat the crap out of ex Prez Logan. You know he’s got it coming. I’ve still got my fingers crossed for Jean Smart to come back for an episode just to stab him again.

There were much bigger things happening last night than the President’s salties. Chloe betrayed Jack!!? In her defense, poor thing’s been in power for like twenty minutes and Jack tells the President to suck his sticker and steals a helicopter. He only left Chloe with two choices: believe in him (which has always worked out in the past) or send a guy who starred in Scooby Doo to stop him. She made the wrong one. Love that Jack was all “meh I knew she was playing me the whole time, that wacky pal o mine!” A friend didn’t text me back this week and I’ve vowed never to speak to him again. I guess I need to put things in perspective and forgive. And you guys, why does Freddie Prinze Jr. always have so many veins popping out of his neck that it looks like he’s belting out a high C when he’s saying the simplest of lines? It’s called effort, dammit!

Probably the best part of the episode was watching Dana get prepped for the torture table once the Prez gave her up to cover up for the Russians. She’s terroristfied, as she should be. Only 24 could get the entire country cheering for torture. She deserves it for being such a time waster this season. I hope they find a reason to torture Dalia Hassan’s brat, if only cuz I’m sick of her whiny little Disney Princess idiot face. “Mudduh, why are people so against peace?” I would have just slapped her and said “cuz the world is a giant sucky scary ass place. Now go play your XBox and keep your legs closed before you get me murdered like you got your father murdered you little shit!” but Dalia patiently summed it up for her: struggle is so deeply engrained in some people that peace is the most threatening thing evah. Does Hallmark have a line for terrorists? Cuz they should. All terrorists really need is a hug!

Next week, Dana gets tortured! YAAAAYYYYY!! And dogsnaxx will be back with 24 Character rankings! By the way, how creepy are these two together?

And she’s the bipolar one? Yikes.