Recap: Age of Love: Mary, Mary, Why You Buggin’?

All right, my darlings, my loves, my Procrastinators, The Age of Love was not boring this week. It was hilarious, ridiculous, humiliating, appalling, insulting, immature, and self-centered. I wanted to spit on my TV, but it was not boring. So heeeere we go! Who’s got the look?

We start with the remaining 20-year-olds moving into the 40-year-olds’ suite. Crazy Mary says she’s not happy about it because “I do not trust these women, and I don’t want to trust these women.” Hey, that’s not The Secret! The 40-year-olds do not greet the 20-year-olds at the door, which puts the younger women ill at ease. Game On Maria yells from the bedroom, “YAY! They brought their hula hoops!” Game on, indeed, Maria. Hilarious. That made Crazy Mary mad, and when Crazy Mary gets mad, she wants to cry. So she does. In a real ugly way. Ridiculous. She looks the camera dead in lens and tells us tearily, “We’re not as stupid as we look!”

What a stupid thing to say, Stupid.

The Poo says that Game On Maria gave him a wake up call when she said she needed him to be more present. He feels he’s matured a lot since he’s been there and that he’s attracted to all the women. Ah, yes, the inability to discern one woman from another is a great sign of maturity!

This morning, all of the women are going to compete in a triathlon. The first leg is biking, the second is running, and the third is paddling on a surfboard out to a yacht where The Poo is waiting. The first three to complete the race get to spend time with The Poo on the boat. I find this humiliating. This particular group of women don’t, though, so they put on their sports bras and start pedaling. But first, Smiling Amanda says she’s nervous because she is “without a doubt, the least athletic.” Uh, don’t you go to training camp for Hockey Dancing? Shut up, Liar!

They start off in pairs on tandem bikes. JonBenet and Amanda are in first, followed by Jayanna and Jenn. Crazy Mary and Widow’s Peak Megan’s bike chain locks. Crazy Mary says in her lovely, lovely voice,” Weee kidn’t jist stand thee-ere, weesting ty-eem,” so they start running, still beating Maria and Kelli, who are last. They arrive at the second leg in that order. JonBenet twists her ankle but keeps running. Amanda passes her. The Poo thinks Kelli is going to win, but hopes Jenn is second because he “thinks there’s something there.” I told you!!

It’s hard to tell how long this triathlon is, but it seems significant, because all the ladies are spent. Jenn gets thigh cramps, Kelli is gasping for oxygen, Maria is “dying,” and JonBenet gets taken away in an ambulance for a sprained ankle.

Don’t cry. They eyelash glue can blind you, and then you’ll really be screwed. Can’t play tennis with a blind girl.

In the final stretch, Jayanna, then Amanda and Kelli, start paddling on surfboards towards The Poo. He feels bad for them and wants to yell “I’m not worth it! Go back! Go back!” Wow, Poo, accurate self-perception is a sign of maturity! Maybe you were right! Maria, Megan, and Crazy Mary are behind them.

Jayanna makes it to the yacht first. Amanda, who has been saying little insecure/competitive things since The Poo kissed her last ep, comes in second, saying, “I’ve never done this for anybody…I’ve never even been able to do this for myself.” How f’in humiliating! Once, for a man I loved, I paired all the single socks he kept in a ripped cardboard box, which was kind of humiliating, but he had just moved in and 7 other women weren’t competing against me and I didn’t sprain my f’in wrist doing it.

Kelli edges in third. The other three women still have to paddle to the yacht in defeat. Crazy Mary feels like she is going to cry. Are you MAD, Mary? “It would be nah-eees to beee on that boat, because it wasn’t leek I-ee didn’t wanna do it–I-eem cry—I-eem ti-yured when I-ee get ti-yured I-eem so stupid I-ee don’t even wanna cry about this because it’s not upsetting I-eem just ti-yured.” Then she cries. Really, when is this girl going to get a one-on-one with The Poo? She’s whimsical, articulate, mature. Speaking of mature, Jenn is disappointed in herself because she couldn’t complete the last leg of the triathlon. But she looks like she’s in amazing shape. Too bad, crony.

Back on the yacht, the three winners, and I use that term loosely, are getting dressed up in evening gowns. So, did all the women stow their evening gowns and make-up bags on the yacht in case they won? I hate stuff like this on reality shows. It’s just too pretend-idyllic. Amanda says she felt “spoiled, pampered, like a princess.” She doesn’t use the word “rewarded.” I guess she forgot she had to bike, run, and paddle to get there. The Poo is excited to be on the yacht with the ladies. “It’s so incredibly romantic and beautiful. Perfect evening.” It grosses me out when he says stuff like this as if he’s a dapper gentleman not a guy on a televised date with three women competing for his attention.

Note to the camera man: Please put more Vaseline on the lens. I can see this picture too clearly and my ovaries are drying up. Love, Ting Lee.

The losers, and I use that term firmly, are back in their suite. They are all disappointed, but none more than JonBenet, who thinks her sprained ankle will affect her at Elimination time. I hope so.

Kelli and The Poo share appetizers on the lower deck. The Poo says he’s having a good time “getting to know you.” Shot glasses up, Procrastinators! Let’s get this party started! The Poo feels really comfortable with Kelli. Kelli goes upstairs where she tells Amanda and Jayanna that she shared some kisses with The Poo. Grimacing Amanda doesn’t feel good. He has the main course with Jayanna who’s in full-blown “I’m precious” mode, doing that thing where she drops to a whisper at the the end of her sentences: “I realize I deserve a really (sotto voce) great guy,” she tells The Poo. Eew. Just… eew. Amanda goes to the upper deck to have dessert with The Poo. Kelli and Jayanna make fun of her for being so “gaga.” The Poo and Amanda’s date is very intimate. They basically just say back and forth to each other: “I like you” and “I like you, too.” It’s GAY, in the upstate-NY-version of the word GAY, and ridiculous. Then they make out.

The next morning, Amanda says she hasn’t come down yet from the date. She is sooooooooo far gone. Man, if The Poo doesn’t choose her in the end, she is going to be demolished. My fingers are crossed.

Anyway, all the ladies are going to play tennis with The Poo. They arrive at the tennis court where The Poo is hitting balls against a tennis ball machine. It’s a completely natural, relaxed way to introduce the ladies to “his world.” The Poo teaches the women one-on-one how to hit the ball. Amanda can hardly bear it when it’s not her turn. JonBenet sits under an umbrella with ice on her ankle, bitching about not getting to know The Poo. Then the 20s and the 40s play a “tournament” against each other. Crazy Mary makes herself cry by saying the word “balls” in what she thinks is a hilarious way. Appalling. JonBenet gets off her ass and plays a game on her sprained ankle. That impresses The Poo, so he invites her on a one-on-one date that night.

The 40s won all the matches, but they get nothing. A weird thing that’s happening is that the 40s really feel like they are on a team– Kelli said although they 40s won, it backfired because “the 20s get more time” with The Poo. Only JonBenet gets more time. Hmmm. Crazy Mary makes another horrifying comment to the camera, but she doesn’t cry, so I’ll let it go. Oh, wait, she cries in the next clip, so here’s that one: The women get back to the suite hungry after their day at court. Somebody says something that we don’t catch, then Jayanna tells someone to shut up and that she hopes The Poo gets to see this footage because they all act like prima donnas. Crazy Mary cries and storms out of the kitchen.

I hate when you guys fight. I’m gonna eat my fork. Old people are mean.

After the commercial break, there’s more crying by Crazy Mary. A lot more crying. She cries on her bed, she cries to the camera. “I jist feeel so bay-ad I put myeeself in this situation.” The 20s chalk up the 40s sniping as insecurity, which might be true, but maybe the 20s are prima donnas like Jayanna said.

JonBenet dresses up in a lovely cocktail dress and one shoe and humps her way to The Poo’s suite on crutches. Hilarious. The suite as decorated with hundreds of white roses. The Poo toasts JonBenet: “Here’s to getting to know each other.” Bottoms up, Procrastinators! They talk about having kids and making fun of themselves.

Grimacing Amanda and Crazy Mary worry about JonBenet’s date. Grimacing Amanda tells Crazy Mary she’s smelled The Poo’s cologne. Doesn’t this woman have an off button? Don’t you know how fragile Crazy Mary is? Cut to a shot of Crazy Mary crying to the camera. She’s not sure what she’s gotten herself into but, “I definitely haven’t felt this bay-ad in a long ti-eem. I definitely haven’t felt this bay-ad in a long ti-eem.” The last time she felt this bad was when the guy she fell in love with on spring break stopped returning her texts when he went back to San Diego State U. Call your mom and go home, baby!

JonBenet and The Poo are lying on pillows whispering to each other. JonBenet mistakes this for real intimacy and totally fucks up.

I’m pregnant.

She tells The Poo Amanda has feelings for him, she recognizes an attraction there, and “that’s…amazing.” Sure it is. She goes on to say if he doesn’t have that strong of an initial reaction to her to let her know. I, personally, totally get what she’s doing here. I don’t think people fall in love with a bunch of people at the same time, either, but that’s not the freakin’ set up, Benet! Just be awesome and more confident than Grimacing Amanda and pull ahead. The Poo is totally put off by this tactic, but he is in total denial about the freakin’ set up, as well. “If I go on a date with a girl and she tells me how beautiful and sexy her best friend is, like maybe we should set you up. Well, aren’t I on a date with you?” Uh, they are not BEST FRIENDS, you moron. She was not talking about setting you up, either. She was talking up getting the hell out of this charade if there’s nothing genuine going on. Bad tactic, respectable intention.

The Poo has to choose between a 20 year old, a 40 year old, and a gimp.

The Poo feels this will be the hardest Elimination by far. After competing for his attention in a triathlon and a tennis tournament, none of these women deserve to go home. Oh, I disagree. I think they all deserve to go home. It’s not like they competed to see how many homeless they could feed or how many free cleft-palate operations they could perform. But maybe those aren’t things The Poo values. He decides to have private interviews with each woman to get “one last vibe,” after stating the two women that stand out so far to him are Amanda and Jayanna.

JonBenet goes first. He asks her about mentioning Amanda on their date. She offers to explain it. She does this by telling him she doesn’t know him very well, but she thinks he is “a beautiful man and you have a beautiful heart.” I think we missed something in the editing because this made no sense.

Jayanna is next. She whispers in her baby voice that she feels a connection there, she does, but maybe he’s holding back a little bit? Then she whispers, “You should have kissed me by now.” The Poo brightens and then they maul each other. Jayanna leaves feeling supremely confident, which she should since we see The Poo caress her calf as she walks away.

Gross.

Game On Maria wipes glitter from The Poo’s lips. “All that kissing you’ve been doing,” she laughs. Hilarious. The Poo tells her he doesn’t want to come across as a player and that she knows he is dating other girls. Attention JonBenet!! Attention Grimacing Amanda! Listen to what Maria says: “Who you date is none of my business. What is my business is what happens between you and me.” The Poo is clearly delighted by this brazen proclamation. They kiss.

The Poo did not expect to kiss more than one woman tonight. “Obviously, it is extremely flattering.” More flattering than the triple-date triathlon? Jesus, Poo, how self-centered are you?

Kelli tells The Poo she thinks he is an “amazing guy” and her “heart is in it.” Than she goes back to that weird team mentality where she says “We all want you to find love, and we all want to find love, too.” Wait, is there some lesbian action on the horizon? I vote for Jenn and Maria since those two seem like old women who will wear purple or maybe a strap-on if need be. Then Kelli and The Poo make out.

Kelli sticks it to Amanda again by telling everyone in the suite how her interview went. Grimacing Amanda says it was strange to hear someone else talking about having a connection with The Poo. Um, he’s dating seven other women besides you! Get with the program!

Amanda plays the kitten that needs to be rescued card with The Poo, and he falls for it. She whimpers that it’s hard for her to open up when she knows he’s got other good choices. She starts crying and he urges her not to. Then they kiss. She tells him that when he went to kiss her, she thought about Kelli kissing him. The Poo stalls. “When?” he asks. The editors show 5 or 6 quick clips of him kissing Kelli. Hilarious. Then The Poo tells Amanda she was the first girl he kiss-kissed. I guess “kiss-kissed” means “kissed with tongue.” What a dapper gentleman. Wait until Amanda sees you licking Jayanna’s face! Of course Amanda “totally believes him” and then says “if he told me the sky was purple, I’d say ‘Okay.’” I want to spit on my TV.

Megan tells The Poo, “Honestly, I didn’t have that instant electricity, but maybe it was because I was nervous.” Or, maybe it’s because your hair grows out from the center of your forehead. Hey, I wonder if they’re still casting girls for that Geico caveman sitcom?

Crazy Mary must have stashed some Ativan somewhere, because she calmly tells The Poo that she felt distant from him at the beginning but “each little ti-eem I got to spend more ti-eem with you, the more I wanted to stay.”

Jennifer goes last. She tells the camera if The Poo wants to get more from her, than she needs more from him. “That’s how it’s going to work.” The older women have much more direct tactics than the younger ones. The cougar/kitten monikers are starting to fit like real snug gloves. Jennifer goes in for the kill. “Can I ask you something? Will you kiss me?” The Poo clears his throat and leans in. The kiss is hot, and Jenn does that little hover near the lips that is the “if we were having sex, this is what it would feel like” maneuver. Well done, Cougar lady. The Poo is blown away.

Don’t try collagen injections at home. That’s what doctors are for.

Elimination time. It goes down differently this week because The Poo doesn’t want to hurt anyone, and the catwalk around the pool is painful. He goes up to the women’s suite and asks everyone to sit on the couch. A few of the women are more nervous than others about the Elimination. Crazy Mary tells us that it wouldn’t be fair if she went home tonight, but “I’m not going to sit in the corner and cry– well, I mean I’ve been crying all day.” Oh, Mary. Have you tried Vicodin?

The Poo looks at JonBenet and thanks her for being honest with him. Then he says, “I’m sorry, I just don’t think it will work out.” How refreshing! Public rejection! Then all the women throw stones at her as she limps out the door dragging her suitcase. The Poo tells us he let her go because she ruined their date by talking about Amanda. In a voiceover, JonBenet says, “There’s not that many guys who have his sensitivity and depth.” Trust me, JonBenet, there are plenty guys out there with that amount of sensitivity and depth. You just have to remember to focus on them, all the time, without questioning their motives, so you don’t hurt their finely-tuned feelings. Silly little kitten!

Get the Hell out, Tiny Tim.

The Poo looks at Kelli next. He tells her he feels really relaxed around her, but he just doesn’t think it will work out. Woooah! Kelli is crushed. Procrastinators, do you see what happened here? JonBenet mentioned feeling threatened by Amanda. Amanda mentioned feeling threatened by Kelli. The Poo Eliminates JonBenet and Kelli. Amanda whipped The Poo! Wow! Poor Kelli. In her exit interview, she asks people not to remind her how old she is. She knows. And she knows she’s been single her whole life. Ow. She cries. Fade to black.

All right, Procrastinators, what’s going to happen next? The problem is, among the 20-year-olds left, only Amanda has a (choke) hold on The Poo. All the 40-year-olds are still contenders. Probably Maria will go next because Jenn and Jayanna have sexier vibes. Crazy Mary, who cried or threatened to cry 6 1/2 times during this episode, has got to stay long enough to lose her shit in front of The Poo, just for fun. I predict a final showdown between Amanda and Jenn! But I get ahead of myself.

Will the 40-year-olds turn against each other now that Team Leader Kelli is booted? Will we catch Amanda in the closet sticking pins into a homemade doll? Will the men who see Mary wearing a straightjacket as she gets wheeled into an ambulance think to themselves, “Man, she is really hot?” Will The Poo contract Post-traumatic Stress Disorder when he is left with only one woman to tell him how beautiful he is? Tune in next time, Procrastinators, because these are The Days of The Age of Love.