At the beginning of this week’s finale of Age of Love, we see Jenn and Amanda in the center of a huge coliseum, crouched and circling each other wearing Gladiator costumes. Executive Producer JD Roth steps into the arena and screams at the crowd of 11 people: “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!” We hear some halfhearted clapping and then JD gets hit in the head with a Diet Coke can.
It’s finally here, Procrastinators! Who will The Poo choose, Amanda or Jenn? Young or Old? What is the big twist the producers keep referring to? Is Megan coming back? Please?
We start with an interspliced edit of each woman walking towards The Poo at the final Elimination. There’s a white runway with white flags running up and down each side. Where are the romantic white lights? The editors cut back and forth between each woman gazing up at The Poo as he fumbles through his final speech. I’m beginning to suspect Megan doesn’t make it to Australia.
Ugh. This made me sick enough the first time.
Cut back to three days earlier as Jenn and Amanda arrive in Melbourne. They are riding in a limo together, oohing and aahing over the sites of the city. Amanda, in a tone that suggests Jenn is a friend of hers who has accompanied her for moral support, says that she can’t wait to meet Poo’s family and friends. “Yeah,” says Jenn, returning her gaze to the window. They pull up to a park, where the Poo is waiting. Jenn thinks he looks handsome. Amanda says “Awe, look at him.” I’m beginning to suspect nothing is going to happen in this episode until Minute 54.
I’m right so far. While the editors show a retrospective of Amanda, The Poo says what he always says about Amanda– that she’s the first one he felt chemistry with, gorgeous eyes, smile, first one he kissed, blah blah blah. Then Jenn gets the same treatment. The Poo says he can’t believe how old she is, her body is ridiculous, and of all the women there she’s the one that’s changed his idea of age blah blah blah.
Then he takes the women to meet his family. In the limo, Amanda discovers Jenn has brought a present for The Poo’s mother. She thinks it’s part of Jenn’s game, “childish stuff,” she says. Jenn says she felt a little bad not telling Amanda to bring a gift, but honestly it’s not her fault if Amanda wasn’t raised right. (My Grampy always said when you are invited to someone’s house, you should have to open the door with your elbows). Child of a broken home, Amanda?
Both ladies are nervous when they arrive at The Poo’s mom’s condo. As we cut to commercial, the announcer says the family is in for a big surprise and also, if we think we know who he chooses, guess again. I don’t know. I’m having a hard time getting it up for this one tonight. I don’t see any big surprises coming up.
The Poo says he’s only introduced 4 women to his mother, and I think he means including these two. He says his mother is very shy. The three of them enter the house where they are greeted by the mom, the sister, the best friend, the best friend’s wife, and their two children. Jenn starts chatting with everyone right away, and of course we have the obligatory, repetitive interchange where she reveals her age and they can’t believe it. Jenn and the sister hit it off regarding their shared interest in human services. Amanda can’t think of anything to say and feels she’s sitting in Jenn’s shadow since the gift she brought is a life-size statue of Jenn and The Poo making out.
Mama Poo asks Amanda to dress the two salads for lunch. Amanda stares blankly as the sister tells her that one needs balsamic vinegar and the other needs oil and salt. Mama Poo looks at Amanda and says, “I don’t think she’s ready for that.” Jenn takes over and tosses both salads. Leave it up to the older one to know every kinky trick in the book. She laughs to camera that Amanda “didn’t even know what to do with lettuce.” Amanda tells Mama Poo that her mother didn’t cook too much because she was a latchkey kid and Mama asks her how will she learn then. “You want to learn to cook?” she asks. “Yes, yes I do,” says Amanda. I wonder if the producers had a limited budget in Australia because Amanda needs some serious blotting in her on-camera interviews. “I’d love to learn,” she says to the camera, “if someone would. . . show me? Anyone got any powder?”
Woah. What happened to the Vaseline on the lens? You’re slackin, JD.
They sit down for a traditional Greek lunch and The Poo hopes the women will eat so his mother doesn’t think they are anorexic. “Just think like you are at home like you at your place,” says Mama Poo in her charming English. Jenn tells Mama that before she knew she would get to meet her, she wanted The Poo to tell her that she did an amazing job raising her son. Amanda, also apparently unaware of the etiquette of polite conversation, tells the camera, “His mom knows she did an amazing job. She knows he’s wonderful.” Then she makes a face.
Seriously! Get me some FUCKING POWDER!!!
As they leave, Mama Poo says to Amanda, “You’re very shy, like me, eh?” Oh, crap. The Mother is going to prefer Amanda, even though she has no manners with which to temper her debilitating insecurity. On the other hand, Jenn’s adroitness in the situation may come off as pushy. The Poo escorts the ladies to the limo where he tells them Jenn will have a one-on-one date tonight. Amanda slumps in her seat, because this is Jenn’s third one-on one date, and she hasn’t had any. “But, ” she says, maturely, “that is the nature of the game.” Just kidding! She says, for the hundredth time during this season, “It did not feel good. At all.”
The Poo’s family and friends weigh in on the women. “Wasn’t there a third one you really liked?” asks the best friend’s wife. No, kidding again! The little boys liked Jenn better. Mama says they were both nice, “but I liked the younger one… she’s shy. She reminded of me, you know.” Jeez, I wonder which one he’ll pick now? The sister likes Jenn because she’s more like her: “loud.” Best Friend’s Wife says that of course Mama liked Amanda because she wants grandkids. Best Friend says he thinks The Poo will want kids. The Poo talks about how even though Jenn is 48, he never thinks about it. Right. Right. Mama says, “You are not ready for marriage. . .don’t think so far away!” The Poo is confused as ever.
Later that afternoon, Jenn meets The Poo at a gondola. The Poo tells the camera that a few weeks ago, Amanda was definitely the front runner, but Jenn has opened his eyes to the fact age doesn’t matter in love. I don’t know about you, Procrastinators, but I’m feeling pretty duped by the Producers. The Poo’s responses at this point seem pretty prompted. Whenever he talks about Jenn, it is ALWAYS ALWAYS about her age, not about his “kinniction” with her. I feel like we’re just waiting it out.
In the gondola, they have the usual “special” and “amazing” exchanges, and make out some. When The Poo asks Jenn to share “something, anything” with him, Jenn goes for broke and whispers something about how many orgasms she has had in a session. We can’t hear it, but they both allude as much to the camera. “The number 34 times was a part of the conversation,” says The Poo. Yeah, we get it, Jenn. You two want to fuck. And probably already did. No one ever says thank you very much for the massage, I’m going home now. Besides, I’m sure The Poo wasn’t intimidated by that whorish number. I’m sure he believed you and thought it was sexy.
I’ve dated every member of the Rat Pack.
The Poo takes Jenn to dinner at The Melbourne Aquarium. They are surrounded by fish on all sides. It’s stunning. Jenn asks him, “How are you feeling about me, not just. . .” “The age?” The Poo finishes. “Yeah,” Jenn says. Finally, Jenn. Seriously. “About you, as a person?” The Poo clarifies. He says obviously he’s attracted to her, he likes her, he’s himself, he just relaxes. So he talked about himself for a change. I think I can sense Jenn giving up. “I have to say you’ve given me hope again for love,” she says, self-protectively. The Poo seems relieved that if he doesn’t choose her, at least he’s given her hope. What a guy. Jenn tells the camera that she can see herself falling in love with him, but I note she didn’t say that to him directly. She does say she doesn’t see herself ever getting tired of spending time with him. Well, I’m tired of spending time with him. Let’s get this thing over with.
They lie on the pillow/blanket/makeshift bed that seems to be a part of all The Poo’s dates and share some “intimacy.” That means they whisper, interlock fingers, and tweak each other’s nipples. Jenn tells him she doesn’t want it to be over. “It’s not. It’s not,” soothes The Poo. At the end of the date, The Poo tells the camera, “This is our last date together before my decision has to be made. The more time we spend together, I feel more and more like I’m falling for Jenn.” Not buying it.
The next morning he picks up Amanda for a date. He takes her to a wildlife sanctuary. They pet and feed kangaroos and koala bears. They seem very natural together. They find a log to sit down on and make out. The editors cut in interviews with Amanda, who worries about The Poo’s date with Jenn the night before, and Jenn, who says she can’t force The Poo to choose her. The Poo tells us, “Jenn and Amanda. I like kissing them. And when I kiss them, I feel something. I like holding their hand. I’m confused. I feel like crap.” Hey, Poo! Have you ever heard of cognitive dissonance? They’re not the same person! You know that, right? Maybe you should call Hugh Hefner for advice!
The Poo takes Amanda to dinner at a Japanese restaurant that has fiery explosions. So Jenn got water, and Amanda gets fire. Foreshadowing, anyone? He asks Amanda what her favorite part of the date was and she says it was him holding her hand in the car. He plays mock disappointed and they make out. Amanda asks him how he feels about her. The Poo employs the same tactic as with Jenn. He talks about himself. As much as I think Amanda is insecure and tactical, I feel sorry for her when she talks about how far the fall will be if he doesn’t choose her. They go lie on the pillowblanketbed and drink champagne. Oh, and make out. She tells him she’s totally open to him, and since it’s his call, it’s scary. Amanda tells the camera she’s in love with The Poo.
I’m sure he’s in love with you too, crazy face.
On Elimination day, Jenn and Amanda meet by the river to talk about their man. Just kidding! They talk about their age difference. Oh, JD Roth! We can’t see through this at all! Amanda tells Jenn that the big difference between them is that “I have a wish list and you have a to do list.” Hilarious! Jenn is impressed with the insight, and goes on to say she loves being 48 because she is confident and knows herself, but she can’t say she was there at 25. Amanda says The Poo danced around the question of feelings last night. They both nod. Then Jenn says, “Amanda, I want to make it clear to you that I think you’re a great girl and if he chooses you, so be it .” Just kidding! She says, “I want to make it clear, that I have feelings for The Poo.” It works. Amanda feels threatened. Jenn smiles as she says that they don’t know if he’s the type of man who wants to teach or be taught. Amanda is very unsure who he will choose.
We watch them all get ready for Elimination. Both women talk about being nervous and scared, which they’ve been saying the entire episode. Jenn really wonders if he will pick a 48-year-old woman. The Poo says what sucks about this Elimination is that he’ll have to send one home without an explanation. “There’s no ‘but — but we don’t kinnict. ‘ We do kinnict!”
FINALLY! The last Elimination! The interspliced edit of women walking towards him down the white runway! It lasts forever! The suspense is killing me! Where’s Megan!?!?
The Poo starts his last “you look incredible tonight” speech with Jenn. Then he says the same things as always. She blew him away. He couldn’t believe how old she is.
Cut to Amanda. Same old, same old. They had a kinniction from the beginning. Her eyes. Every time he saw her he would smile. Back to Jenn. Their kinniction has gotten stronger and stronger. He wants to thank her for coming down to Australia. When he says that, Jenn closes her eyes. She knows, as we do, the thank you is the kiss of death. Back to Amanda. He wanted her to come to Australia to meet his family so she could get to know where he’s from and what he’s about. Then the editors cut repeatedly back and forth between the two women’s faces as The Poo talks about his feelings for them, finally landing on Amanda’s face as he says, “I’m sorry.” What! No way! Not so fast! Back to Jenn’s face as he says, “I just don’t think this will work out.”
WOW! What a twist ending! I can’t believe it, JD Roth! He picks the younger one! The one he liked all along is the one he chooses in the end!
Jenn gasps, “Oh!” We can see she is really hurt. She says it was amazing to meet someone like him. He tells her she’s a princess, that’s who you are.
Sorry it didn’t work out, but my mom wanted to get your number so she can invite you over for Canasta.
Jenn, in her exit interview, says when she watched shows like this in the past, she always doubted the emotions were real. “But I know now, for myself, that my emotions are real. This is real for me, and in the end, it makes me sad. . . I know we had a connection and a very strong chemistry. I know that if I had been younger, he would have chosen me.” Ouch. So age does matter?
When The Poo asks Amanda if she’d like to continue the journey with him, it is so uneventful as to feel like an epilogue. She hugs him and says she’d love to. “I couldn’t be happier than the happiest girl in the world, because I have my man.” The they get on a boat and sail around the lake. In a voiceover, The Poo keeps saying what he’s always said, “If there’s a kinniction, there’s a kinniction.” Amanda refers to The Poo as her “knight in shining armor” and then closes the show by saying “Next? Next is. . .happily ever after!” Wait, I thought Jenn was the princess!
And then he threw her over the railing.
Okay, Procrastinators. What did we learn here? Let’s see, men want to date women they feel connected to? Nope, knew that one. Women in their 40′s from Los Angeles don’t look their age, and a lot of them are hot? Knew that one, too. All women want to find a man and can be pretty pathetic about it? Knew it. Pro-atheletes are self-centered? Sorry, knew that one, too. Greek mothers have a strong influence over who their sons date? Nope, had that one too. Producers of boring reality shows will lie to the audience about potenttial twists? Come on. Men will want to fuck hot women regardless of their age? Mmmm, maybe. Maybe that one. Thanks, JD Roth, for the incredible education and the wild ride. Can’t wait for the reunion show.