Recap: Age of Love: With Frenemies Like These

Okay, Procrastinators, here’s the first thing I hate about this week’s episode of Age of Love: the 2 and a half minutes of recapping the previous episodes. I get it! No one’s watching this! Maybe we can wrangle ‘em in for the last 5 episodes! Or at least the one we’re showing right now! Whoa-ooh-whoa-oooh-whoa-oooh-whoa— who’s got the look? Not you, Executive Producer JD Roth!

JD Roth: Doesn’t got the look.

So we start with The Poo and Kelly Ripa’s Husband convening in the bachelor pad. They’ve set up a date for The Poo and three of the women of his choice to go surfing. He picks Cro-Megan, Game On Maria, and Crazy Mary. He calls the women’s suite. He tries to make the well-known Friends joke, saying “How you doin’?” in a goomba way, but Cro-Megan doesn’t hear it. He says it again. She still doesn’t catch it, so he pretends he didn’t say it, and invites the three women to meet him downstairs wearing their bathing suits. As they get ready, Grimacing Amanda crushes their heads in her mind and then whines. She admits that she has more feelings for The Poo than anybody else does. Really? No one’s noticed. You’ve got such a poker face.

Hmmm. How ya feelin?

The chosen ones meet The Poo at the car which has wooden side panels. The Poo keeps yelling, “Take a ride in my WOODY!” No one misses the joke this time. The girls laugh because he is so clever and funny. They arrive at the beach and The Poo teaches them how to surf on land first. Honestly, I was impressed they got it so fast.

They paddle out. The women swallow salt water and get hit on the head by their boards. Cro-Megan adds a side bump to her already Paleolithic head, but continues to try. We all know The Poo values playing with an injury.

Back at the women’s suite, Grimacing Amanda cleans the whole kitchen, reads a book and a magazine, then makes herself a cup of tea. She notes Jenn and Jayanna aren’t talking to her, but they whisper a lot. In fact, Jenn and Jayanna whisper a lot about her. They pretend to be concerned about Amanda’s “unbalanced” feelings and hope she can get a “grasp on reality.” Then they laugh that she doesn’t know they both french-kissed The Poo. What is this? Seventh grade? How old are you two? (Actually, really, really, old. Sorry. Continue being desperate hags.)

My bad. Carry on, Skeksie.

Our happy foursome have a picnic on the beach. The Poo gets Maria and Mary engaged in flying a kite so he can take Cro-Megan for a walk. She seems okay, but she did keep pulling against the leash. Crazy Mary whines to her mom, I mean Maria, about not being asked for a private walk and not doing well in the competition. Maria buys some weed off a vagrant Rastafarian and smokes out Crazy Mary. When they are good and high, Maria tells CM to be her beautiful self and that she’s enough. The Poo’s repeated compliment about Cro-Megan is that she’s “full of life,” which translates to me that at 21, she’s still hopeful that her dreams might come true. Even with that much hair growing down the center of her face. Stay Gold, Cro-Megan.

Crazy Mary, in an unusual display of poor judgement, joins them on their walk. Watching her go, Medicine Woman Maria says she knows what the game is, but at her age she doesn’t chase. Maria, the line is so fine between being on a reality dating show and not chasing after men, that frankly, I’m going to say it’s not there.

The Poo and Cro-Megan ignore Crazy Mary. They even go so far as to dance together down the beach. She starts telling a story and The Poo gets distracted by the grounded kite and interrupts her. Deja vu? It must be hard to feel less compelling than a game of Duck Duck Goose and a kite. Please don’t cry. You’ve been doing so well this time. Upon returning to the picnic blanket, The Poo and Megan show an unbelievable amount of sensitivity by including everyone in a chat about their lives. Just kidding. They grope and fondle each other right in front of the two other women. Even Maria admits that The Poo only showed interest in Cro-Megan on their group date. She didn’t come here to meet a man that finds it titillating to have a conversation with a 20-year-old for five hours. I mean, she couldn’t talk to Crazy Mary for half an hour without blazing up.

Watch out, Crazy. Pouting gives you wrinkles!

The women return to their suite and tell everybody else about the date. If insecurity had a mass and a density, Grimacing Amanda’s eyes would pop out of their sockets and then her head would explode. Jayanna asks if The Poo wanted alone time with anyone, and Cro-Megan acknowledges their foray down the beach. To us, she cops to having a crush on The Poo. Just then, they get a text message. Jayanna reads it aloud: “Amanda and Jayanna, it’s time for us to get reel, r-e-e-l.” She jokes, “Oh my god, he knows I’ve been faking it all along?” No, he doesn’t. But I do. And probably the ten other people watching the show can tell, too.

Grimacing Amanda, for the second time in this segment, complains about The Poo dating other women. Shut up, I hate you. You should be glad I’m not on the show because I would cut all your hair off in the middle of the night. Amanda tells Megan that she finds Jayanna really aggressive and of all the women, she’s the last one with whom she’d want to share a date. As the two of them leave to go at the hinted-at movie date, I realize the producers must be providing the women with wardrobe. They are wearing almost identical dresses: one yellow, one green, with shawls. This isn’t wise because The Poo has a hard time telling women apart.

It’s so great to see you, mom!

The two women meet The Poo at the morrocan-themed Hotel Figueroa for movie night. Before they start the screening Poo asks Jayanna to have a drink with him outside. True to form, she accepts in her baby whisper voice and Amanda tells the camera it’s hard to date someone who is dating someone else. ARGH. We heard you! The Poo asks Jayanna what’s the biggest thing she learned from her last relationship. She says sometimes she fell out of love with her husband of ten years, so she worked to bring it back until he told her that grown women don’t talk like that and he was sick of it, then she divorced him. The Poo reveals that he’s learned to never change to make someone happy. Then he asks Jayanna if she is wearing underwear. “Nooo!” she baby whispers. Ew. That dress has to be returned to wardrobe after this.

They rejoin Amanda. The three of them cuddle up in bed, Poo in the middle, to watch “The Flying Deuces.” Jayanna thinks his body language is focused towards her, but Amanda says they were holding hands under the blanket. The Poo dumps Jayanna back in the limo so he can spend time with Amanda alone. Jay makes fun of Amanda’s idolizing stare and says it’s too much. We know, though, that The Poo goes for that kind of worship, always has. He lies down with Amanda and they have their usual inane exchanges, then they make out. You can see Amanda’s big pimple.

Next date: Microderm Abrasion Clinic

As The Poo escorts Amanda home, he tells us in voice over that he’s not going to lie, when he sees Amanda he smiles, but he anticipates the possibility of having those feelings for someone else. He even says if Jayanna had been the one to stay he would have held her in his arms and gotten closer. This show gets creepier every week.

The next morning Jenn Old Gal is annoyed at everything because she didn’t go on either date the day before. Not to fret, geezer! Here comes Poo on a Harley with a leather outfit for you. The younger women roll their eyes and make faces at Jenn, so I wonder if she’s way more obnoxious than the editors are showing us. I mean, it can’t just be because she’s old. Crazy Mary starts crying because she hasn’t made as much of a connection as other women.

Shut it, Norma Desmond.

Poo and the Old Gal drive up to Mullholland and gaze at the romantic smog. Old Gal tells the Poo she’s missing her son, who’s about his age. But, she says, she doesn’t make out with her son. Good call, Geez. The younger girls talk about how weird it is that Jenn’ s so old. If only they could see Jenn and The Poo making out. I had to press pause, turn off the lights, and curl up in the fetal position for twenty minutes. I’m still not okay. Thanks for askin’.

Back at the suite, it’s time for Crazy Mary to cry some more. She tells Amanda and Megan that she used to feel like they were her steady ground, but not anymore. She’s not sure she can stick it out because she feels “so screwed up in the head.”

You’re crazy in the face, too.

Old Gal and Poo play pool and flirt in a “naughty” way. There’s definitely chemistry there, but it’s starting to seem like they pretty much just want to fuck. Jenn goes home and tells the younger women, who she has never spoken to before, all about how amazing her date was. The girls call her fake, and I’m starting to think maybe Old Gal is a mean old lady. Who threw this ball into my yard? WHOOOOO?!?!?!!!???

As they prepare for Elimination, we learn only one woman is going home this week. God dammit! Speed this shit up! Crazy Mary says if The Poo asks her to stay, she might just cry. Game On Maria is planning to leave, because she knows he’s not the guy for her and he needs to focus on women who are truly interested in him. She’s grandstanded like this before, and the cool earthy mama thing is wearing thin.

We’re back at the pool tonight, which means Elimination is going to take 20 minutes. Mary says Jenn or Jayanna should go because they are both fake. Jayanna says Amanda should go because she’s so insecure. Amanda is nervous about Elimination because in the past Poo has Eliminated people he’s spent a lot of time with.

They all look so beautiful tonight. The Poo asks Jenn to stay first. He then asks Megan to stay. Jayanna stays next, because it’s so easy to talk to her. He tells Amanda that everything he says comes straight from the heart (WOODY!) and he’d like her to stay. Maria and Mary are left. Mary cries and Maria breathes deeply. They have a bonding moment because Mary can’t believe she put herself through this and Maria tells her she’s going to do it a hundred more times. Mary doesn’t want her to go, but Maria assures her she can call her for support after she leaves.

The Poo calls Maria down and tells her she really woke him up a couple Eliminations back. He wants to know if she feels he’s opened up since then. Maria takes a deep breath and says, “You know, I just have to say. . . ” COMMERCIAL!

And we’re back. Game On Maria tells him he didn’t invest enough time with her on the beach date. The Poo tells her she has to understand that it was the first time he’s been on a date with Megan and Mary and he felt he had to get to know them, at least Megan. He wants her to stay. This derails Maria’s game plan. She tells him when she was in her twenties, she would be bowing to the god that he is, but he needs to realize that women (and she emphasizes “women”) will not wait around for him. He asks her if she’s going to stay or kick his butt. She says “Game on!” and gives him the fist punch.

During this, Jayanna says it will “bug her” if Maria stays. Get the Raid, Jay. Maria is halfway down the walkway when she turns around and goes back for a kiss with The Poo. She tells the camera she’s sucker for his dimples, and she didn’t think about Mary once. Wow, every single person on this show has behaved in a selfish, underhanded, or atrocious manner. I’m disappointed in Game On Maria. I wanted her to take her ball and go home.

You know what’s really hot? Nagging and whining.

The Poo tries to tell Mary he doesn’t think it will work out. To her credit, she says, “Uhh, you can look me in the eye, it’s okay.” She handles the conversation with grace, pointing out that the reason he doesn’t know her very well is not her fault. But, of course, she’s sobbing by the time she gets to the group of women who are staying. In her exit interview she says “The one thing that sickens me is that Jayanna and Jenn will stay here longer than me!” Then she cries. Fade to black.

Wowee. What a bunch of shitty people. So, what do you think, Procrastinators? Will Maria over-estimate her importance and threaten to leave again next week? Will Jayanna and Jenn create a slam book about the other contenders? Will The Poo ever seem worthy of this much attention? The answers are: Yes, literally, Yes, figuratively, and No, never in a million years. Anything could happen next week since they all seem to share a moral compass that points to no man’s land. I’ll be there, watching with binoculars. I hope the ten of you will join me.

Smart to bring your bags with ya.