Recap: Age of Love: Groundhog’s Day

Okay, Procrastinators, I was super-excited to see what happens this week on The Age of Love! We begin in the older ladies suite, where they snack on wine and cheese while discussing their new competition, the 20-year-olds. They are not happy.

OMG you guys totally look young!

Jayanna the Ticking Clock claims she does not need to compete with 21-year-olds and she’ll tell us why. “The guy who wants that girl is not my guy.” The women nod in agreement. Jayanna goes on to ask “How successful are these women? Do these women make two hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year? I doubt it!” Good point Jay, but this show is called “The Age of Love” not “The Salary of Love.”Meanwhile, the younger women suspect that the older women think they know a lot more than them. For example, they probably think they know how to make two hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year. Smooth Adelaide, pretending to be one of the older women, mocks “I know a lot more about relationships than you do, honey.” Smiling Amanda answers, “Then why aren’t you in a relationship?” The youngest, Megan, says that the oldest woman is older than her mom. Then they all laugh and laugh.

Mark Twain totally had a waddle fetish.

Kelly Ripa’s husband goes to The Poo’s suite to set up the day’s activities. But first, the two guys reminisce about last night’s Elimination. Kelly Ripa’s husband notes that when Angela left, all the older women hugged her and when Lauren left, the younger women were like: “Later!” The Poo thinks the younger women are competitive. You don’t know the half of it, Poo. He has to pick two women he wants to get to know better. He picks Post-Op Kelli because “she just seems more sexual than the others.” Wait, not because she makes two hundred and fifty thousand dollars a year? He also picks Smiling Amanda because “she’s always smiling and I like to see girls smile.” Alright already with the smiling!

The producers lead Kelli and Amanda to believe they are having individual dates with The Poo. They arrive at the restaurant simultaneously in different limos. They both step out onto the curb and notice each other. Kelli says “Wow!” as she sees Amanda. Kell recovers quickly and says all friendly,”Hi!” and walks towards Amanda. Amanda ignores her, does not smile, and walks directly towards the restaurant. Kelli says again “Hiiiii!” and Amanda says, irritatedly, “Hi.” She slows down enough for Kelli to catch up with her. They find The Poo and Kelly Ripa’s husband waiting for them at the front of the restaurant. KRH tells them he knows they thought they were having individual dates. They both nod without looking at one another. “Well, technically you both are, just at the same time.” Kelli is going to sit at a table at one end of the place and Amanda will sit at the other end. The Poo will run back and forth between them trying to balance a plate of bananas on his head. Whoever has his attention at the end of an hour gets to spend extra time with him having dessert. Yippee, what a fun game.

The Poo picks to sit with Amanda first. He orders her a glass of champagne and tells the waitress, “It’s a special occasion. It’s our first date.” It’s pretty creepy and disingenuous since we can see Kelli sitting on the other side of the restaurant in plain view. This bothers The Poo, so he excuses himself and runs over to Kelli’s table. The waitress offers them a choice of chicken or pasta (what is this? a wedding reception?) and The Poo orders the pasta because, he tells Kelli, “I’m actually having chicken over there.” Kelli laughs good-naturedly. Amanda tells the camera when she heard them laughing it was her first “Oh no!” moment. Oh, it wasn’t when you saw Kelli get out of the limo?

You could be sisters! Uh….

Kelli and Amanda start getting competitive trying to hold The Poo’s attention. Kelli tells The Poo she just got her real estate license and she’s not sure if she wants to do commercial or residential, but residential seems appealing since she’ll help people find their dream homes, netting about two hundred thousand dollars a year. Amanda tells The Poo she dances for the Nashville Hockey team. Kelli eats a little bit of chicken and is full. Amanda tells The Poo she had pizza yesterday before her chocolate cake and ice cream.

Back at the suites, KRH brings the remaining contenders down to the pool. He informs them that they will be creating group dates for the opposing sets of ladies.

Meanwhile, at The World’s Most Awkward Double Date, there are 7 minutes left. Amanda asks The Poo what he was like as a kid. The Poo reveals he was chubby and his ears stuck out.

Well, you’re no longer chubby…

AWWW! Amanda says he looks just fine. The Poo tells the camera he wants to end the date with Amanda because she likes to eat and dance. He tries to run over to Kelli to wrap it up, but Kelli jedi-mind tricks him by not taking a single breath as she talks about her real estate license and singing in Las Vegas again. The Poo can’t get a word in edgewise and the alarm ending the date goes off. He tries to smother the sound with his napkin, but it doesn’t work. The Poo looks absolutely defeated. “Okay, that’s time,” he says. “I’m going to have dessert with you.”

The Poo forlornly walks to Amanda’s table. No more running. He escorts Amanda to the car. He holds her hand. Kelli is telling the camera that she feels kind of bad for Amanda, but happier for herself. The Poo asks Amanda if he can kiss her. She says yes. They kiss and he puts her in the limo. Kelli presses her nose up against the glass to try to spy on them, but doesn’t see the make-out session. The Poo tells the camera he wants to kiss Amanda again. I guess he’ll have to wait until the producers let him be alone with her. Kelli says it feels so good that he chose a 40-something-year-old woman over a beautiful 20-year-old. Um, no he didn’t. He just didn’t want to be rude. Respect your elders.

Back in the 20-year-old suite, the two geniuses, JonBenet and Ma-ma-mary, play their favorite game: Making fun of aging. “What’s another word for old?” asks JonBenet. “Um…. decrepit?” says Ma-ma-mary. Then they laugh and laugh. They throw out ideas about the group date. Megan says they should make them play silent Bingo on the group date. Uh, how would that work? Doesn’t someone have to yell “Bingo!”? ——-silence——— I win!

The 40-year-olds try to come up with a scenario that would make the 20-year-olds look bad.

Civil War Reenactment, anyone?

Jayanna suggests something where they have to use their brains. The other ladies veto that idea because maybe some of them are smart. Wow, J. That was giving. Have you seen this show? She rolls her eyes and says, “Okay, what about bowling?” Lynn asks, “Do we want them bending over in front of The Poo?” Good point. How bout chess? Or flash cards? Or Memory?

After the commercial break, we see the 20-year-olds arriving at an indoor playground. Inside, there are 20 small children at a birthday party that the girls and The Poo have to supervise. I find it hard to believe that the 40-year-olds really came up with this date. I mean, how would the producers have time to post on Craigslist: “Free Birthday Party Today If You Let Us Use Your Children For A Dating Reality Television Show”? Anyhoo, it’s an effective ploy since the girls are so busy taking care of the kids that none of them really get to talk to The Poo. Adelaide fairs the best since she seems to genuinely enjoy playing with the little ones. Ma-ma-mary tries to talk to The Poo about her friends who have kids, but The Poo gets distracted by a game of Duck Duck Goose and walks away from her mid-sentence. She had to try hard not to cry. Pop a Xanax, Crazy!

The Poo selects Smooth Adelaide to ride back with him in the limo. The other girls arrive home where they tell Smiling Amanda about the play date. The inform her that Adelaide is with The Poo. Amanda gets nervous. The Poo kisses Adelaide as he drops her off at the suite. As Adelaide tells the girls about her time with The Poo, Smiling Amanda is renamed Grimacing Amanda.

The 40-year-old group date is at a swimming pool. They figure the 20-year-olds think they’ll look bad in bathing suits, but none of them do. They are attending a water aerobics class for seniors. Damn, that Craigslist works miracles! The 40-year-olds have a blast in the pool. They goof off. The Poo gives them piggyback rides. He notes that the 20-year-olds didn’t think the date through very well, since the 40-year-olds have great bodies and he is having such a good time. “But, honestly,” he tells the women, “I think you would have made anything fun.”

We have a winner!

The Poo picks Game On Maria to ride back in the limo with him. They go up to his suite to get to know each other better and as Maria talks to him, The Poo folds his arms and looks straight ahead. Maria picks up on the body language and ends the date feeling no connection with The Poo.

It’s time for Elimination. I check the status of my DVR. It’s at minute 40. Twenty f’in minutes of Elimination! OH MY GOD THE PACE OF THIS SHOW IS SOOOO SLOW!!! There, I’ve said it. If this recap is boring, it is seriously not my fault. This show is like Groundhog’s Day: The older women are more fun than the younger women, the younger women crack jokes about getting older, all the women speak to the camera in an over-confident manner. The Poo says he wants to get to know people better. The end. Don’t you have a tennis career to bone?

In the older women’s suite, as everyone packs up in case they’re Eliminated, Maria tells the other women that “you know when someone’s into you, and when they’re not.” She says The Poo “is not doin’ it for me, and I’ve got to go.” This thrills Jayanna The Ticking Clock.

The younger girls are all packing up, too, except for Adelaide, who is lounging around confidently. None of the younger girls have displayed much of a pronounced personality, so when they worry to the camera about being Eliminated, it’s hard to care. I mean, it’s hard to judge. No, wait. I’m totally judging, but I don’t care that I’m judging. You with me?

They all convene at the pool. The Poo does the “You all look so beautiful” (again) “tonight” speech. Maria tells the camera she’s really nervous because she’s going say “this is not a good fit” and walk. The Poo calls JonBenet first. He tells her he saw a side of her while playing with the kids that he really liked. Hey, Producers? Could you please let The Poo watch the footage from the suites? Can we get this charade over with? NO, because we have FIVE f’in episodes left. JonBenet stays. The Poo calls Smiling Amanda down and tells her he wants to kiss her some more. Awesome. I can’t wait to watch that. She stays. Widow’s Peak Megan stays as well, without any real explanation. He calls Smooth Adelaide next. He tells her that she did great with the kids and he really wanted to get to know her, but when he kissed her, he felt nothing. He doesn’t think it will work out. WHOOOAAAAAH! Poo said what? I’m surprised and impressed, except for the fact that that decision keeps mushy-mouth Ma-ma-mary around. Yuck, I hate her. Adelaide admits that she wasn’t being totally honest with herself about the connection she felt with The Poo. I think it’s time to bring in Jeff Van Vonduren from Intervention to have a sit down with all the girls, since Adelaide has taken the first step.

On to the 40-year-olds. The Poo starts with Jenn, the oldest lady. She tells him she’s really starting to develop feelings for him. Hey, Jeff! Over here! She stays. Then she tells the camera “Game on!” Aaaaarrrgh. Next up is Maria. As she walks towards The Poo, the clip plays where she says, “I’ve had enough, I’m outta here.” The Poo tells her she rocked the roller-skating outfit, she rocked her bikini, and he doesn’t struggle to make conversation with her. He’s looking forward to getting to know her more. Maria says, “Wow,” and puts her hand on his chest. Crush him, Maria! The dramatic music builds and we cut to commercial break.

When we come back, Maria tells The Poo she was planning to leave. We see the 40-year-old women trying to read their body language. Maria tells the Poo that he can be hit and miss and “I need to feel that you want to be really present and if you can do that for me, I’d love to stay.” The Poo thanks her for an “awakening.” She stays, and tells the camera that sometimes men want to put her in a box, but “I’m definitely crazy! I AM CRAZY!” Jeff! We got a live one!

Jayanna goes next and The Poo tells her she gets funnier every time they hang out, and she makes him feel like a little kid. Is that because she’s old enough to be your mother? No? Okay. Jayanna asks The Poo if he feels a connection with any of the women, and The Poo says “Definitely, and you’re one of them.” Kelli goes next, and I think she’s going home. However, The Poo feels (all together now) he wants to get to know her better. Wow. It’s not you, it’s me. Pick a new line, dipshit! Kelli says, “I’m developing feelings for you, and if you are, please feel free to let me know.” The Poo redirects and says, “I’d like you to stay.” If Jeff were here, he’d be awfully busy tonight.

That means Lynn is going home. The Poo tells her he felt she was uncomfortable with the whole experience, and too uncomfortable to show him who she really is. He apologizes and says he just doesn’t think it will work out. Lynne, in her exit interview, says she wishes she had a one-on-one with The Poo before she was Eliminated. Then she says her grandmother tells her she prays she lives long enough to see Lynn get married. Lynn says she hopes her grandmother gets her dream. Then she cries. Sorry grandma. You can die now.

KRH congratulates the ladies for staying. Then he tells them that they are all going to be living together. The 20-year-olds have 15 minutes to move into the 40-year-old’s suite. Jayanna tells the camera the younger girls better behave, because it ‘s “our house” and “it’s our way or the highway.”

Oreo’s help with 40 yr old stress.

All right, Procrastinators. Let’s go back to the questions I asked last week. Will the 20-year-olds get their head in the game and start focusing on The Poo instead of their older competition? Nope, no change there. Will the 40-year-olds who get Eliminated take home a bucket of sadness, failure, and dried up ovaries? Yes. Looks like it. Will The Poo start showing us who he is? Maybe, after getting the heads up from Game On Maria.

So, here are the real questions, Procrastinators. Will this show get more interesting now that the 20-year-olds and 40-year-olds have to live together? Can I create a drinking game where we do a shot everytime The Poo says he wants to get to know someone better? If the answer to both those questions are yes, party at my house. If not, still come over. We can take a shot everytime someone old comes onscreen. Why waste a fresh bottle of vino?