Recap: The Age of Love: Retarded in a Good Way

At the beginning of this week’s episode of Age of Love, we see Jayanna’s striped-stocking feet curl up and wither underneath an old farmhouse.

The leftover women arrive at the suite after the camping trip. It looks like they are all eating gruel. Old Gal Jenn is missing her friend Jayanna The Ticking Clock. “If I didn’t know The Poo,” she cries, “I’d hate him for what he’s done to my friend!” But fortunately for her, she does know him. And she knows how intelligent, discerning, fair, and diplomatic he is. Not to mention funny! Boy, is he funny!

Put that crack away, you big prankster!

The ladies are all hanging around when the TV blinks with a message for them. Lo and behold, it’s Jayanna! The house must have fallen on her sister! She clearly taped this message right after her Elimination because she’s in the exact same spot the Poo abandoned her at in the woods and she’s speaking in the same singsongy fake voice she uses when she’s trying to conjure up real emotions.

Someone! Please come get me! I’m cold and hungry!

Seriously!

Guys?

She tells the girls they all need to be wary of Amanda because she will betray them to The Poo. In addition to the Judas complex, she’s also “so super-immature.” The women are shocked by this revelation. Jayanna says at the end “Thank god, good riddance, because I don’t want to be in a house with someone who acts and behaves like you do and then smiles in my face.” The camera cuts to Amanda who smiles with her big horse teeth.

Anyone want a sugar cube?

Amanda defends herself with typical girl comments: “Well, I think that’s pathetic” and “It’s not going to change what I do.” Cro-Megan thinks that because Jayanna’s 40, she should just “get over it.” Old Gal Jenn is pissed. She says Amanda better watch out because what goes around, comes around.

Now we visit The World’s Most Boring Man, The Poo, in his suite where his playing with his puppy. (Not a euphemism). In a voiceover, he says he has feelings for four beautiful women, and “unfortunately, I have to pick only one.” That IS unfortunate. Two or three would be much better! He selects WIse Woman Maria and Horse Teeth Amanda to go on a salsa dancing date. They start with the tried-and-true reality dating show Dance Lesson. The Poo has never salsa-ed before and when he realizes that the man is supposed to lead he thinks “it’s crazy, I can’t see myself doing that.” What about the saying: you can lead a horse to salsa lessons, but you can’t make her dance? Not true for you? How about : You can make a horse dance, but you can’t lead her in salsa lessons?

The women had fretted over what to wear on the date, but not to worry! The Producers have provided tasteful costumes, I mean dresses, for the ladies to dance in. Amanda’s costume, I mean dress, I mean fringe bikini, makes her look like a French trapeze artist prostitute (red rose choker, natch) and Maria’s costume, I mean dress, I mean doily makes her look like a cross between Mrs. Havisham/Shirley Temple/Baby Jane/Betty Boop. They both look sexy. Just kidding! Oh, Ting! I slay me!

The Ice Capades is back, and it’s hornier than ever!

Now it’s time for the obligatory Show after the Dance Lesson. The Poo picks Baby Havisham to dance with first. Prostitrap Amanda, voicing the repetitive loop in her brain that stands for cognitive ability, comments how bad she feels walking off by herself while The Poo gives attention to another woman. Baby Havisham gives it all she’s got on the dance floor. She shakes her booty, kicks, high steps, does tiger hands, and growls. It is not unlike the pageant dance from Little Miss Sunshine, though more cringe-inducing and less heartbreaking, because unlike Abigail Breselyn, Maria should know better.

The Poo then asks Prostitrap Amanda to dance. Let’s see those hockey dancing moves! Amanda disappoints, doing a little step-step here, step-step there. Did all the girls have influenza during try-outs? C’mon! At least a hurkey! The outfit she is wearing fits beautifully, though.

The Poo says he felt more “sexual” towards Prostitrap than Baby Havisham because he could see Amanda’s butt cheeks in the mirror and Maria sweats too much. Then, suddenly, as The Poo put it, “Maria was being Maria again.” They are having fun until she asks The Poo to imagine that this is their last date, and to come up with something to say to Amanda and her. “Go, there, baby,” she coos. The Poo balks, and Amanda in her not-quite-hidden-all-the-way hick accent says, “Aah can’t stop smilin’.” At least Amanda didn’t laugh at her. We know how Maria, and all women, hate to be laughed at. The Poo says when Maria tries to get him to reveal his true feelings, he travels inside his heart where he discovers an empty room with a number of doors. He knows his feelings are behind one of these doors, so he methodically opens each one, only to discover the same blowup doll again and again. Maria is a “buzz kill” he tells the us. On the way home in the car, Maria is tired of being tired of trying to get The Poo to give her his “juice.” (That IS a euphemism, but not the fun one.) Maybe she should write a letter to Daddy.

The next morning, Amanda tells Cro-Megan that even while dancing, there was no one-on-one time on the date “‘cuz we were concentratin’ too much on the steps.” The Poo invites Cro-Megan to High Tea. “What’s high tea?” one of the women asks Cro-Megan. “It’s this really good. . .tea,” she informs. Someone’s been perusing Wikipedia!

In the limo ride with The Poo, Cro-Megan reads the label on the window separating them from the driver. “Par. . .tition.” She glances at The Poo. “What’s a ‘partition’?” Then she reads a street sign: “Studio City.” She rolls it around in her head. “That must be where all the studios are.” The Poo finds her delightful. “She’ll just say the funniest things.”

Look! You can see the sky! WTF??

They arrive at a castle, or some place that has arches made out of white stones, where there is a full tea setup. They sit down and Cro-Megan asks The Poo what those “little,white, spongy things” are. “Sugar-cubes,” he tells her. “Mmm,” she says and winks. Cro-Megan thinks the date would be more suited for a 40-year-old. “I’m 21 and I don’t live in England. . .I could never picture myself with crum. . .pits. . .crumb cakes. What are they called?” Clearly, this girl has never interviewed at a fine east coast private school. The Poo and Cro-Megan talk about their feelings. You make me smile, they both confess. She tells the camera she wanted to say how much she likes him, but she didn’t because she was so focused on which fork to use. “Shoot,” she whispers. “I’m retarded.” Oh, don’t be too hard on yourself! You’re retarded in the good way! The Poo shows her his salsa moves, and Cro-Tard starts to fall for him.

Back at the suite, Cro-Tard tells the girls she didn’t know what she was doing on her date. The phone rings for Old Gal Jenn, and she asks Cro-Tard to read it. This is a well-calculated move, because she gasps before she reads the message aloud. “Your carriage awaits. Bring your swimsuit.” While Jenn gets ready, Cro-Tard tells the camera she is so jealous that “my stomach fell out of my butt.” Spoiled clotted cream on the crumb cakes? Prostitrap and Cro-Tard speculate why Jenn would need a swimsuit. It’s a spa date, they’re getting dual massages, and “you can’t be naked next to him,” Prostitrap postulates. “Sure you can,” counters Cro-Tard. “She better not,” warns Prostitrap. They snarl in frustration.

As Old Gal Jenn leaves, Cro-Tard moans and groans. “Why!?!” “I wanna get dressed up so bad!” “They better not be riding in a pumpkin!” HAHAHAHA. Retarded in the good way. Turns out, the carriage is pumpkin-shaped and lit with white lights. Apparently, the producers think white lights are The Sign Of Romance. Remember last week’s white light tent date? They trot out the full fairy-tale.

The Poo gives Old Gal a white fur-lined coat to wear and they drink champagne as they canter around the city. Indeed, Jenn makes a Cinderella reference so I don’t have to. She plays her cards very well, telling The Poo that unlike other women in the house, she feels she gets what she needs from him. Poo tells her that she has made him truly forget about age. Then why do you keep mentioning it?!?! Godammit! They go night swimming and The Poo says for 48, “her body is ridiculous!” Stop mentioning it! Then he says she told him that he has the body of a “Greek God. . .statue.” I think he said “statue” because he couldn’t think of the Greek God’s name who is under the spell of the siren Amanda. “Horsisyphus,” is the name you were looking for, Poo. Then he says he’s kidding, she didn’t say that. HAHAHAHA. He’s so funny!

Then they lie on the side of the pool and make out. Old Gal says she’s been thinking about him a lot, and wonders if he’s fantasized anything about her. “6 or 7 times today,” he says, romantically. All this randy talk takes them up to his suite. They look around for some lotion with which to give each other massages. “Alo-ay,” Poo reads off an aloe bottle. “That’ll work,” says Jenn. They go into a dark room and joke about there being infrared cameras. We can’t see anything except the captions. “Mmmm,” we read. “You’re so good at this.” I wonder what is happening!!! They better not be riding in a pumpkin!

Is the Cocoon soundtrack blaring in anyone else’s head right now?

The Poo walks Old Gal up to her suite after they gave each other “massages” (accent on the first syllable). The next morning, Jenn sticks it to Megan by telling her that the carriage was white and round, like a fairy-tale. “It sucked,” says Cro-Tard. “I always ask for someone to take me on a friggin’ carriage ride! Arrrgh!” Then Jenn sticks it to Amanda by telling her about the “massages.” Megan wonders if it will look scandalous on TV. “It was bad,” says Jenn, shaking her head. “I don’t think they can use half the stuff. . .it was bad.” Amanda can’t understand how this could have happened so she plugs the record player of her mind back in and it plays, “He’s just doing the same thing with every girl. . .I feel embarrassed. I feel silly.” Jenn pours alo-ay into the burn. “They could black bar certain things. . .or fuzz it out,” she soothes.

Later that day, Baby Havisham thinks she’s got to follow her instincts this time, and she feels he’s really, really not going to marry her. It’s time to go. Three times a charm, so get the fuck out. The Poo needs to see everyone one last time before Elimination, so he opts for the one-on-one interview. Cro-Megan goes first. She knows since she was Sofaking Weetodded on her tea date, she really has to make this one good. She’s nervous though, because when she has stuff that “I really really really need to say, I’m just like blaaaaaaaah!” She ends up telling The Poo that he’s grown on her. He responds with “that’s something any guy likes to hear.” Fireworks! The editors play tinkling piano music when Jenn sits down with The Poo. She tells him things changed yesterday on their date and now her “heart is definitely in this.” “Was that after the MASSage?” he jokes. She laughs shyly. “Yeah, maybe,” she giggles. “Great massage.”

Prostitrap goes next. She is planning to tell The Poo that she “didn’t really agree with his massage therapy with Jenn.” You didn’t AGREE with it? Didn’t you sign the reality show waiver? HE’S NOT YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND! I’M SCREAMING MYSELF HOARSE, HORSE! So Horseface tells The Poo she knows about the “off-camera massages.” The Poo tells her he’s not going to lie, things did happen. She looks down and says, “I don’t wanna know. . .” Poo says, “But I can tell you honestly, I’ve missed you.” “I missed you,” she smiles back. Everything’s right again with the boy and his wild pony! And let’s guess, he’s going to Eliminate Jenn.

Baby Havisham says he’s not going to talk her into staying this time. “I’ve got it,” she says. The Poo tells her he wants to know how she’s feeling but “don’t hit me, don’t hurt me.” She tells him, after waxing on about passion, that she’s Eliminating herself. Now, I watched this twice to make sure. There is no edit. The Poo’s response is: “The truth was, were you going to stay, you were going to stay. I wanted you to stay.” Oh! Wow! Who would have gone? It’s gotta be Cro-Megan. In Maria’s exit interview, she calmly says, “It’s always hard to say, ‘This isn’t right for me.’ ” The producers must have goaded her, because in the next shot, she’s crying about realizing she’s a lesbian. “Women are amazing,” she cries.

I’ll explain when you’re older, little fella.

The Poo is emotionally spent. After an hour or so, he wanders up to the women’s suite. He tells them Maria has switched teams. That said, pack your bags, we’re going to Australia to meet my family. The girls are excited, and no one wastes much time thinking about Maria’s departure. I’m sure few of you remember this from Episode one, but Cro-Megan hates flying. She’s terrified. As the women giddily pack, Cro-Megan expresses her fears over and over again. Sympathetic Amanda shares she’s scared, too, of meeting The Poo’s family. Jenn is thrilled to be the last old lady standing.

As they head to the airport and check in, Cro-Megan becomes more and more panicked until she has a full-blown attack while boarding. The Poo tries to calm her by saying, “Qantas, has like the safest. . .flight in the sky. I’m serious.” Who was he kidding at salsa lessons? This man definitely knows how to lead! Cro-Megan is unconvinced, so they miss the flight. The Poo knows there’s another flight leaving for Melbourne in two hours so he rushes Cro-Megan to the taxi stand. He feels bad, though.

The Poo and Cro-Megan kiss for the first time as the taxi pulls up to take her away. “Why now?,” he wonders. “For the first time, she’s looking at me, holding my hand, kissing me. I really was sad.” They kiss again and Cro-Megan is off into the night. They did look natural together in that moment, but oh well! The show must go on!

I’m sorry, but I can’t be with someone from England.

OH MY GOD! Do you know what that means, Procrastinators? The final two are Old Gal Jenn and Horseface Amanda! I called it! But I gotta admit, I do not know who The Poo will choose. I mean, logic tells me it’s Amanda. But I’m kinda rooting for the old gal. What do you think, Procrastinators? Will The Poo’s family veto Jenn because she’s old? Will Amanda’s face be used as a Proto-type when a feminist cartoonist (finally) creates the female Joker? Why didn’t Cro-Megan have an exit interview? Will The Poo choose YOUNG or OLD? What? Oh, What? What IS The Age of Love?