AI Results: Seven Will Enter, Six Will Leave

We all know Stefano was kicked off so let’s get down to making fun of these a-holes.  Do I get extra jail time points if I make fun of people under 18?

OMG.  Look at these judges:  Jennifer Lopez is wearing a spangly dress a la Liza that a lazy-eyed Project Runway cast-off hemmed in the dark.  Randy’s proving that black is NOT always slimming (even if you pull the double-skinny trick of plastering an American flag on your shirt to draw our eyes away from the Michelin middle), and Crazy Aunt Steven is wearing a bell-bottomed pants AND a bell-bottomed shirt while waving a scarf like he’s trying to get heli-rescued from a rooftop.

Ugly poster board signs from an uglier crowd … do you think the AI staff makes those signs (the handwriting looks suspiciously similar) and hands them out to the particularly heinous (Here you go!  Wave this around and make sure you cover your face!).

Welcome your Idolbabies!  They each have a different wave for the crowd; Oprah’s got a lock on the beauty queen float wave, naturally.  Katy Perry and David Cook are performing which should be … interesting.

Twinkercrest asks the judges (Randy answered first, but like everyone else, I’ll simply ignore him for most of the night) who they think will get kicked off and J-Ho blurts, “I hope it’s not a girl.”  THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID … when Diddy bought her a puppy … when her zombie slave husband first took off his clothes in front of her … when she saw the ultrasound.  Really, what kind a role model is she for Emme?  On to Great-aunt Stevie … of course, he doesn’t give us an answer but threaten-mumbles that he will get bleeped tonight while we all stare at his “home perm left out in the rain” hairpiece.

Alaina, Haley, and the real ladies (Oprah and Stefani) of the Seven Still Standing get the pleasure of singing “Hey, Soul Sister”.  Break out the tampons, ‘cause your ears are about to start gushing blood.  The chemistry is amazing and so are the harmonies!  Simon Cowell’s square head just exploded all over his low-cut grey v-neck.  You got out just in time, you English devil.  These rhythmically-challenged four should perform this song on the AI Tour this summer, because if you were dumb enough to buy a ticket for that Shit Circus, you should HAVE to suffer through this sonic torture.

Hey:  Alaina, Jacob, Hailey and Scotty want your soul, Sister!

Back from break, we have to watch an awkward “we love you, Mom, that’s why we’re killing you” Ford commercial homage to Earth Day.  Michael Bay submitted an alternate script where the Ford Escape Hybrid turns into a Decepticon and blows up Mother Earth with a death ray, but AI couldn’t afford his price tag.

After that, Scotty, James, and Casey collectively murder Viva La Vida from everyone’s favorite-band-when-I’m-drunk, Coldplay.  Actually, once the chorus comes in, they sound pretty good together.  Even Scotty drops the twang long enough for me to tolerate him.   Wait … he’s still doing the “country pimp” neck so I’m back to hating him.  Did anyone else notice that James has heavily padded hips?  Don’t wear slim-cut jeans, Tweak Rocker, they’re not flattering.

I tried to tell you, Keebler.

Group interviews:  Jacob tries to pretend he’s straight-angry with the other I-babies calling him out for being a diva the night before.  No one buys it, but Twinkercrest is PISSED that someone besides him got the diva title.  Casey holds up a high school painting from some Japanese kid who drew Casey and his dog inside a cello leaning against a brick wall.  Michiru Kusaka has a bright future in community theater set design.  I hope he got an A on that assignment, ‘cause he’ll need something happy to hold onto while she’s getting shoved inside a locker tomorrow.

Not a joke … the real thing.  And Michi was born in 1968.

Twinkercrest says it’s a nice picture of Casey and Randy ‘cause you know, Randy’s a “dawg” … the AI writers are catering to their target market’s (eight-year-olds) sense of humor.  Randy tries to defend himself but the director WAS AWESOME AND TURNED OFF Randy’s mike!!!!  Good move!

The Bear is safe because J-Ho transferred her low talent/high accessibility hypno-power to him through the cheek kiss.  Ugh … I can’t watch Oprah while Twink discusses his performance last night.  He’s biting on his lower lip in sexual anticipation (at least he’s hiding that giant tubeworm of a tongue he likes to flick at us) and it’s giving me the willies.  Let’s drag this out while Oprah explains that he only sucked at the beginning of his performance because there was a Dorothy Drag Diva musical glitch distracting him.  Oprah’s in the bottom three, his favorite position.

David Cook is performing “The Last Good-bye” aka “Does-This-One-Sound-Enough-Like-Daughtry-For-You-To-Buy-It?”  Sorry, still not buying your music.  This guy makes Megamind look like he has a small forehead.

Brothers from another mother?

Anyway, FiveHead tells Twink it’s great to be back.  Of course it is, FiveHead – this is the only concert where you have more than one person (your mom) clapping for your music.  Then he talks about a brain cancer organization he’s raising money for and I realize I’m going to hell (k, maybe I knew that a few days ago).  Beth, Fivehead’s mom, is apparently an Aunt Stevie fan and she hugs the old bag.  Surprisingly, he doesn’t crumble into the mummy dust I thought Aunt Stevie was made of.  I am surprised the crocodile teeth and bones from one of the three necklaces Auntie’s wearing don’t slice Beth’s jugular during the clinch.

FORCED IDOLBABIES FUN!!!  We don’t make them sing 20 hours a day, the producers insist, showing us a video montage of their awesome day at a Dodgers game (Stefano enjoys stuffing wieners in his mouth, I see).  All of them got personalized jerseys and Casey of course, got #42.  He wanted #420 as a nod to his parents and his conception, but he had to make do with double digits.  They got to meet Tommy LaSorda, but only Crick McCracken was impressed with that.  Bowling!!!  Tweak Rocker bowls in a maroon wife beater while Oprah rocks a gingham button down.  And that pretty much sums up the vast canyon between their pre-Idol lifestyles.  Also during Idol Fun Week, the contestants have spa treatments backstage in between singing rehearsals and it looks pretty truck stop, just like you were picturing.  Scotty’s wearing this awesome Trojan Men T-shirt.  Obviously, that tee proves he’s manly even though he’s getting a facial and a pedicure while wearing it.  Too bad he couldn’t visit the chiropractor instead and get that neck taken care of.  You can’t prove you’re straight if your neck is crooked.

And that pose isn’t helping your “I’m straight” case.

Stefani is in the bottom three.  So is Failey, but just as she gets comfortable on the third Uncool Stool, Twinkercrest stage whispers in her ear that she’s safe and Rainbow Brite totters over to the We Made It Through!  Nanny Nanny Boo Boo side of the stage.

Katy Perry is gracing us with her wild and wacky presence.  They show the Kanye opening rap on the big screen, with all the interesting words bleeped out.  So he’s not coming?  Then Katy comes out being borne on high by four carriers whose costumes look like Storm Troopers after an acid bath.  A few Gasmii commenters have mentioned that KP was probably lip synching.  I thought she sounded like shit so I assumed she was singing live.  Maybe she was singing over a track?  I don’t know … is that Alien Auto-Tune?  Whatever it was, don’t use it again.  That pre-recorded studio version is much cleaner!!  Also, she needs to work on her cardio, ‘cause if she can’t sing well with those Level Ten Difficulty dance moves she was busting in her Lite Brite suit, she shouldn’t go on tour.  Also, laser beams?  So 1977.  How ‘bout some fireworks (see how I pulled in that theme for you, Ms. Perry?) or some smoke machines or something?  I STILL LOVE THIS SONG!!!! Methinks she wrote this on her wedding night because Russell Brand is DEFINITELY an alien – and you know they totes waited ‘til their wedding day to fornicate!  Uh, oh … Kanye IS here and he’s breaking out in hives because he’s allergic to white people and their high-pitched screams.  That’s right, K, stare at the camera.  Make no attempt to connect with the audience.  The white people can’t turn you to stone unless you look in their eyes.  It must be really cold in there.  Mr. West has on a primo Hanes white t-shirt, a pleather jacket AND a fur vest.  Probably to protect him from all those Katy cooties.  He can’t even bring himself to touch HER and she’s mighty fine (for a white girl).  Guess what I just found out?  The whole performance was pre-taped, so it didn’t matter if Kanye showed.  Way to find another way to make little girls cry, Kanye.

Alien Hate: 2 Hot 4 Live T.V.

Weird that we cut from the end of the performance right to a backstage interview between Twinkercrest and the Bottom Two.  Now it’s not so weird now that I know E.T. was pre-taped, which explains the lack of a post-performance interview.

Oprah is thure he gave it hith all … is that a lisp or is your worm tongue in the way again?  Ryan shudders at the sight of Jacob’s mouth organ and turns away quickly to Stefani.  The Italian Pony’s hair is greasy-perfect, his bling-y crucifix is shining, and he’s wearing a too-big parka with racing stripes.  How much more cuteness do you want from him????  Twinkercrest silently prays that Stefani gets to stay because he’s the only contestant who’s as short as Ryan.  On a side note, do you think Twink’s getting some from his #1 Mormon?  Julianne Hough seems like she knows how to string ‘em along, but Ryan seems very CALM this episode.  As in post-coital calm …

Anyone got a cigarette?

In the cruelest minute in television, Ryan drags out the results a few moments longer by asking the judges for their opinions of Oprah and Stefani.  We’ve already VOTED, Ryan.  Nothing they say is going to make a difference.  Eeeeewwww … Oprah’s tongue worm is breaking through his lips again so change cameras NOW!!!!  The director turned Randy’s mike back on and like J-Ho and Stevie, he mentions that both of them will have a career after this show.  That’s a pretty accurate judgment I guess … if “Disneyland character actor” is considered a career.

Stefani’s gone … and he wants to sing and leave but they won’t give him the mike until they make him sit through his video AI journey.  Stefani literally paces the stage until they let him sing while James weeps softly as the show kicks off his best man.

NOT STEVIE WONDER, I AM NOT A FAN!!!  I demand some distraction from this song … bring back Kanye … maybe he can rip off J-Ho’s weave … or Aunt Stevie’s.  James doesn’t even let him finish the last note before he sweeps him up in the ever popular bro-circle hug.

Goodbye, Stefani.  It was good while it lasted.