Alcatraz Recap: No Country For Old Cal

That gun is almost as disturbing as that hair. ALMOST.

If you caught this week’s episode of Alcatraz, you know exactly why I’m referencing No Country For Old Men. And if you didn’t, well…let’s just say that this week’s baddie is quite fond of using a very peculiar weapon in a very nasty way.

Welcome to episode 4 of Alcatraz, folks! Are you sticking with it? Are you enjoying it? I’ve gotta say, as many plot holes and missed opportunities as this show has already had, it’s still WAY better than 93% of the other crap filling the ol’ boob tube. I finally had to give up on Once Upon a Time, after spending yet ANOTHER week listening to those chicks yak about the same goddam argument they’ve had the ENTIRE SEASON. ‘Stay away from my son.’ ‘He’s my son, too.’ ‘Get out of my town.’ ‘I belong here now.’ ‘There’s no way you’re only 28.’ ‘It’s called suspension of disbelief, bitch.’

I know a lot of people enjoy that show, so I’ll end my rant there. I really wanted to like it. I thought the Jiminy Cricket episode was actually really solid. I just got bored watching those two beeyotches endlessly circle one another.

But back to our previously scheduled programming! I’m going to assume y’all know the basic premise of the show at this point, but for any latecomers…in 1963, 302 people vanished from the island prison Alcatraz. In 2012, some of those people are starting to reappear – and many of them seem to be hell-bent on reliving their criminal pasts. Our justice league trio – Dr. Diego Soto (Hurley), FBI agent Emerson Hauser (Sam Neill), and Detective Rebecca Madsen (boring) – are hunting down these so-called ’63s’ and tossing them into a bright and shiny quasi-Alcatraz, located somewhere underground. Well, Hauser is doing the tossing – the other two don’t seem to know about the existence of quasi-Alcatraz…not yet, anyway.

Episode 4 begins in present day San Fran, where a suave, handsome fella in a suit enters a bank and asks teller Amanda to lead him to his safe deposit box. She quickly complies, and once they’re in the back we see why – apparently they know each other, cuz without much introduction they immediately start making out.

Guess he wanted to see HER deposit box, too. WHAMMY!

Unfortunately, we realize this isn’t going to go well for poor Amanda when Mr. Suave asks her if she’s turned off the security cameras like a good little girl. When she confirms that she has, he flips her around and starts necking her from behind – right before he jams a syringe into her jugular.

KIN-KY!!!

Amanda passes out, and Mr. Suave tucks her into a nearby cubby. He then goes to work blasting the locks on several safe deposit boxes with a gun-type-thing that looks sort of familiar…

Um…a pirate spyglass?

No, silly, it’s a captive bolt pistol, like the one Javier Bardem used to whack people (and ‘unlock’ doors) in No Country For Old Men. Mr. Suave uses it to open six safe deposit boxes and dumps their contents into his briefcase. He seems particularly enamored of a sapphire necklace from one of the boxes. But before he can study it more thoroughly, an innocent bank employee wanders in aimlessly and sees Amanda lying in a heap on the floor, and Mr. Suave goes to town. He attaches the bolt pistol to its grip, chases the employee til he collapses in a pleading heap, then holds the gun to the guy’s head. The employee begs for his life, but Mr. Suave grimaces and pulls the trigger – WHUMP.

Daaaaaaaaamn, that’s cold!

CLANK-RATTLE-SLAM! We’re back in 1960 on Alcatraz, in the laundry room – hey, do you ever notice that whenever we go back in time, we always seem to go back to 1960? NOT 1963, the year that everybody up and disappeared…we did get a glimpse of that in the pilot episode, but ever since, all of the flashbacks have been – very specifically – 1960. I wonder if this will come into play for any reason…or if we’ll see 1961 flashbacks next season, 1962 the year after that, and so on.

Anyway. Mr. Suave – who is our returned inmate for the week, Cal Sweeney – is showing the laundry room ropes to the new kid.

Taylor Lautner and Alexander Skarsgard, no WAY!!

Those ropes don’t just include how to fluff and fold – the laundry room also functions as a black market mail room for the convicts. Cal shows Taylor Lautner where to find the contraband and how to dole it out, as well as how to charge interest rates worse than any credit card company in existence.

Sweeney Cal (get it?) tells New Guy that you’ve gotta be tough as nails to run this biz – show anyone you have a weakness and they’ll exploit it to gain control over your sappy ass. New Guy says he’s already taken the lesson to heart. Just then, a guard enters and tells Cal to fake a bellyache, cuz his cell’s being tossed by none other than our favorite a-hole assistant warden, E.B. Tiller.

Back at his cell, Cal is frantically searching for…something. When he doesn’t find it, he tells his guard buddy that he needs to talk to Tiller. Seems like this Cal fella isn’t just suave with the ladies…looks like he’s sorta runnin’ this joint from the inside.

CLANK-RATTLE-SLAM! Present day, where our dynamic duo, Doc and Rebecca, are sitting down to some mighty fine San Fran dim sum. But as I’m sure you remember from a prior episode, Hurley ain’t no fan of bao.

Um, THAT is NOT Ranch dressing.

I’m not sure how one can exist in San Francisco and not love dim sum, but that’s a mystery for another day.

Detective Madsen asks Doc how he ended up with a comic book store after he went to all the trouble of snagging not one but TWO PhD’s. He claims the degrees were an attempt to appease his parents, but that he got in trouble for writing a breakthrough in crime prevention theory…that he based on Gotham City. D’oh.

Madsen’s phone rings – they’ve got the heads up on our little bank robbery. Doc immediately hones in on the fact that the thief only targeted the safe deposit boxes and NOT the vault…of course, with Doc’s ridiculously extensive knowledge of the former inmates of Alcatraz, he knows exactly who we’re dealing with – Mr. Suave himself, Cal Sweeney, inmate #2112.

Once at the bank, Doc tells Madsen that Sweeney wouldn’t hurt a fly during his escapades – as long as everything went smoothly. Clearly, with one dead Asian American banker on our hands, this time it did NOT.

Rebecca asks Diego why Cal only breaks into the boxes, and he informs her that back in Cal’s day, people were much more likely to keep valuables and cash in their deposit boxes – and that the contents of those boxes were NOT FDIC insured, unlike the cash in the vault, meaning that raiding the boxes is only destruction of property – NOT a federal crime. Smarty-pants.

Doc and Becky reach the back of the bank to find Emerson Hauser waiting for them, along with the corpse of that unlucky banker.

Harold and Kumar did NOT make it to White Castle, guys.

(Don’t worry, I’m part Asian myself, so I’m totally allowed to make jokes like that.)

Hauser tells the duo that the weapon was a captive bolt pistol, used to stun cattle in slaughterhouses – deeeeeeeeLIGHTful!! None of them mention No Country For Old Men, so I’m betting they don’t have much of a social life.

Hauser then mentions that the security cameras were turned off, which of course doesn’t do Cally-boy much good, since Hurley’s already tagged him. But it does let the gang know that Cal had an accomplice of sorts – enter poor Amanda.

She tells Rebecca a sappy story about meeting Cal in the frozen foods section of the grocery store. Apparently, they dated for quite some time, never going to HIS house, of course. Realizing how badly she’d been duped, Amanda hands over her butterfly pin, telling Madsen then it had been a gift from Cal – he claimed it was a family heirloom, and had a whole back story to support this pack of lies.

Emerson tells Diego and Rebecca that Cal robbed another bank two days before, giving him two days to get rid of the stuff he stole – Madsen says they should check local pawn shops. Diego reminds them that banks no longer keep a record of what people stash in their deposit boxes, but Rebecca tells him maybe not, but the owners sure do.

Ding dong! At a house elsewhere in town, the doorbell rings…the door swings open to reveal none other than Mr. Suave himself, who tells the homeowner that he works at his bank, and that he’s here to inform Mr. Bailey that his safe deposit box has been broken into. And as we’ve just been reminded by Ms. Madsen, surely Mr. Bailey knows exactly what was in that box – and that’s information that Cal Sweeney seems to want. Since he knows the contents already, we’ll assume he’s actually fishing for something else – and he wastes no time getting to it.

He wants to know about Mr. Bailey’s personal items from the box. Surprise, surprise – Mr. Bailey was the owner of the sapphire necklace that Cal seemed so taken by. Bailey tells him that it had been an anniversary gift to his wife, and that the sapphire is her birthstone. Cal asks when they met, and of course Bailey wants to know what the hey-ho THAT information has to do with anything. Cal tells him that he doesn’t want the information for the bank…but for himself.

Then he brings out said necklace and places it on the table, and finally Mr. Bailey starts to smell a rat – a big, blonde, Rico Suave rat. He says he’s going to call the police, but when he makes a grab for the necklace – big mistake – Cal grabs his hand and nails it to the table with his ever-ready captive bolt pistol.

NAR-STY!

Cal tells Bailey that he needs to know the story behind what makes this necklace so very important. I have a feeling Bailey’s gonna tell him the whole, long, sappy story, but before we can get to it…

CLANK-RATTLE-SLAM! 1960 Alcatraz, and Assistant Warden E.B. Tiller is about to get a good ol’ fashioned razor blade shave. While the barber is lathering up the smarmy bastard’s face, Cal Sweeney moseys on in. Tiller says, ‘I see you got my invitation,’ referencing his tossing of Sweeney’s cell. Sweeney is not amused. He tells the warden that he’d like his stolen property back – a small metal box that he assumes Tiller swiped from his cell when he tossed it. Tiller says he doesn’t know anything about it.

He tells Sweeney that the reason he’s here is because he wants a piece of his black market action. But instead of complying, Cal informs Tiller that the only thing that keeps the inmates from utter chaos is the joy of the small vices his black market exchange provides to them. Because of this, he’s officially closing up shop until Tiller returns the missing box – basically threatening a prison-wide riot.

Tiller, no stranger to insinuated threats himself, tells Sweeney that the way to get a good shave is to go with the grain – that as soon as you go against it, you get nicked. Read between the lines, and Tiller’s warning Sweeney not to step out of line.

Back in the laundry room, Sweeney is complaining about Tiller’s antics to his protege New Taylor Lautner Guy, telling him that if he lets Tiller get away with stealing his precious box, it’s equivalent to lying down and showing the dude his underbelly. New Guy asks what if he could talk privately with Tiller – perhaps a way to save face and get his property back.

He suggests Cal try to swing steward’s duty at the warden’s house tomorrow night, when there will be a big party in Tiller’s honor. Apparently it’s really difficult to snag steward’s duty, but New Guy just happens to have an in – his buddy Red will fake an ailment in exchange for a pack of smokes, so then Cal can grab his steward’s duty spot.

No, Red! Say it ain’t so!

CLANK-RATTLE-SLAM! In present day, Diego and Rebecca are headed to the final house on their hunt to track down the owners of the emptied safe deposit boxes – and we know exactly whose house they must be walking up to.

Before they can climb the steps to the porch, a woman approaches and asks them if they need help. When they inquire after a Mr. William Bailey – uh oh – the red-headed woman tells them that’s her husband, and she proceeds to lead them into her home. Calling out to Will, she heads into the next room – and immediately starts screaming her head off.

Why ever would she do THAT?

Meanwhile, at yet another bank in town, Mr. Suave Sweeney waltzes in and throws a grin at a pretty teller, who slyly smiles right back at him – and we can see the whole process about to start all over again.

A commercial break, then we’ve jetted back to the warden’s house on Alcatraz in 1960. It’s the night of Tiller’s party, and sure enough, both New Guy and Sweeney are working steward duty. New Guy is having his turn showing Sweeney the ropes in how to set the perfect table. Martha Stewart would be so proud.

Warden James enters, and is pleased with the set-up, warning the stewards to be on their best behavior tonight.

Is it just me, or is this guy a Bob Hoskins clone?

When Bob Hoskins looks like THIS, anyway.

Not so much when he looks like this.

ANYWAY. Back on Alcatraz island, Tiller has just arrived, his ‘gimp sister’ in tow. Also in attendance at what we now know is Tiller’s birthday party are Dr. Beauregard and Lucy, both of whom have shown up in 2012. We know that Tiller didn’t disappear on Alcatraz with the rest of the gang because he was transferred sometime before the big event, but we haven’t yet heard about Warden James – is it possible that he’ll be popping back into existence in present day himself? Hm.

Beauregard is striking up conversation with Lucy, who back then went by the moniker Dr. Sangupta. She has an MD in addition to a degree in psychology, and it seems that the reason she’s at the prison is to experiment with the inmates – she believes that most of them have ‘faulty wiring’ due to traumatic experiences in their pasts, and that if she can remove the memories of these events, perhaps she can ‘fix’ their deviant behavior. Sounds dangerously like brainwashing to me. The stewards don’t seem to like the sound of it, either.

CLANK-RATTLE-SLAM! Madsen and Doc are going through Cal Sweeney’s box of personal effects, though there isn’t much to go through – there’s only one item, a small tin box that looks like it’s been through a fire.

Hauser enters, and the dynamic duo inform him that when they investigated the owners of the safe deposit boxes that Cal Sweeney hit two days before he hit Amanda’s bank, they found a dead man by the name of Leonard Shore. His box had been robbed, and he turned up dead later that same day. Cal never did this kind of thing back in the ’50s, so it looks like he’s got himself a whole new M.O., one that involves putting holes in dude’s heads and screwing lonely bank tellers.

And Sarah Palin, apparently.

There’s no apparent connection between Sweeney’s victims, and no pawn shops have received any of the stolen goods, so the justice league is struggling to figure out a way to track him down. Just then, Madsen realizes that there is something the crimes have in common – the bank tellers, all of whom are average-looking, 40-ish ladies leading sad, lonely lives.

Madsen, super detective that she is, also notices one other item on the security camera footage from the two banks – both tellers had the exact same vase of flowers sitting at their window. The blooms are from a joint called May’s Flowers, so off we go to investigate.

May, a pretty Asian lady, definitely remembers Mr. Suave, who’s always sending flowers to ladies…but never the same lady. What a cad! She happily prints up his order history for the dynamic duo, then informs them that the shop gives a 15% discount to SFPD – but a 20% discount to Hurley, who she seems to be batting her eyes at pretty heavily. Sadly, he doesn’t bite. I guess they’re too busy hunting murderers to pursue a love life.

Speaking of which…have you seen this promotional cast photo from the show?

One of these things is not like the others.

Have you spotted our mystery man yet? That’s right…we easily recognize most of these faces – there’s Tiller and Warden James, our justice league, and Lucy with Rebecca’s Uncle Ray and…some cop. Weird, huh?

Judging from the IMDB page, that cop’s name is Jimmy Dickens, and he’s played by none other than Santiago Cabrera, who many of you may know better as…

Isaac, the painter with the f-ed up eyes from Heroes.

Even better…Jimmy Dickens was apparently supposed to be Rebecca Madsen’s FIANCE. Whaaaaaaa?!?!? This just gets better and better! Here I was, thinking how strange it was that none of our main players seems to have much of a social life outside of chasing baddies, and Ms. Madsen has had herself a honey all along!!

But…since Jimmy has yet to make an appearance, I’m rather worried that the character may have been written off the show – which is unfortunate, since it would’ve been kinda a nice way to give some depth to the somewhat boring Rebecca character. Oh well. Maybe he’ll still show up at some point, though it would be a little odd for Becky to pop a suitor out of thin air.

Anyway, back on the boob tube, Sweeney’s floral history clues the dynamic duo in to his next stop – Heritage Bay National Bank, workplace of one Melissa Murphy, aka Lonely Lady Teller #3.

Sure enough, back at the bank Cal sauntered in to several scenes ago (way back before the Bob Hoskins reference), he’s currently putting the moves on that scrappy red-headed bank teller he was making eyes at – the exact same moves we saw him put on sad sack Amanda. But this time, when he goes for his hypodermic needle, she spots it and manages to wriggle out of his grasp. Running, she manages to hit an alarm button before Cal ruthlessly slams her head-first into a nearby wall. Owchie.

Also of note – the teller, presumably Ms. Melissa Murphy, is wearing the very sapphire necklace that Cal stole from the previous bank – apparently he’s really into stealing precious trinkets, finding out their back story, then passing them on to his next victim. Seems like a kinda pointless circle to me, but maybe it’s supposed to be. Maybe if these dudes have all been ‘reprogrammed,’ they’re sort of stuck in a cycle – for most of them, a cycle resembling their previous crimes.

Faced with a ringing alarm, Sweeney only takes the time to pop open a single deposit box – #1869. He then heads for the front door, only to be stopped by a security guard who tells him everyone has to stay inside the bank. Instead of complying, Cal swings his briefcase into the guard’s head, then swipes the guy’s gun and pistol-whips him with it. But before he can make his great escape, a squadron of cop cars pull up outside the doors.

Turning back to the people in the bank, Sweeney fires several shots into the air and tells everyone to get down on the ground. A scene reminiscent of pretty much every movie about a bank robbery ever made. Doc and Rebecca pull up outside, see all of the cop cars, and realize they’ve got a big ol’ problem on their hands.

Commercial break, then we’re back in 1960 at Tiller’s birthday bash. Warden James gives a nice speech about how he’d typically refrain from droning on and on about someone, but that someone like E.B. Tiller surely deserves a bit of praise. So what is his lengthy dedication to his faithful assistant warden? A simple, ‘To E.B.’ Heh heh. Tiller is thrilled, and even more so with the warden’s extravagant gift – a freaking PEN.

But I asked for a Slanket.

Just then, New Taylor Lautner Guy just ‘happens’ to pour scalding hot coffee directly into Tiller’s lap. This was before the days of McDonald’s lawsuits, y’all.

E.B. – or Elijah, as his sister calls him – jumps to his feet and heads for the bathroom. Cal Sweeney quickly follows. Once alone together in the restroom, it’s time to talk numbers. Sweeney offers Tiller a twenty percent cut, but Tiller wants fifty. And once the warden threatens Cal with loss of his black market duties, Sweeney agrees to the full fifty percent. On one condition – he wants his stolen box back.

Tiller still claims not to know anything about it. So quicker than a snake, Sweeney attacks. He seems to be the clear winner of this fight, even going so far as dunking Tiller’s head in the commode, until Tiller pulls out his secret weapon – that GD mo-fo fountain pen, which he sticks directly into Sweeney’s thigh.

This is why you should NEVER wear white to a prison party.

Tiller quickly combs his hair into place and tells the moaning Sweeney to stay put until someone comes to take him back to his cell – and to keep his mouth shut. He then tells him he’ll be spending the next thirty days in the hole. Yay!

No clank-rattle-slam, but we’re back in present day. It’s looking like maybe they only use the sound effect when the prisoner is actually INSIDE Alcatraz – they didn’t use it when Kit Nelson was outside in the yard, nor did they use it just now when Cal Sweeney was in the warden’s house. Interesting – I’ll have to keep an eye on that one.

Hauser shows up at the bank and Madsen gives him the low-down. Cal hasn’t made any demands, so clearly he just wants to get the hell out of dodge. Hauser says he’ll create a distraction with the SFPD to give Madsen a chance to somehow get into the bank and bust Sweeney out – remember, they don’t want the cops or the general public getting a good look at these ’63s.

Stymied on how to get into the bank, Madsen turns to Doc. Luckily, this building is a lot like the one his comic book shop is in, so he’s pretty sure that, like his building, this one will share a central air conditioning system with the buildings on either side. The vents should provide a convenient way for Madsen to sneak inside the bank…but getting out is another problem.

Leaving her gun behind, but toting a large black duffel bag, Madsen makes her way into the vents. In the bank below, Cal is waving his gun in Lady Teller #3′s face, telling her she has to help him escape. She, however, is clueless, but just as he’s about to pop a bullet into her chest, he hears a loud noise – Madsen, knocking out a vent to enter the bank. He goes to investigate the noise, and comes face to face with the petite blonde.

Pint-sized and ready to rumble.

She tells him she’s not here to negotiate – she’s here to get him out. He’s not buying…until she reveals that she knows his name and exactly who he is. He wants to know her plan, and she shows him whatever mystery item is in the duffel bag. When he still doesn’t budge, Madsen tells him that any minute now, the hostage negotiator will be calling, and then he’s in deep doo-doo – and just then, the phone rings.

Back outside, Hauser is arguing with the local cops over jurisdiction. The haggling goes back and forth for a moment before – BANG BANG!! Shots are fired inside the bank. And before you can say ‘Clive Owen,’ the SFPD are on their feet and tossing tear bombs into the building.

The SWAT-esque cops sweep the bank, swinging their guns through the mist from the gas. They begin taking the hostages out of the bank, and one of them gives a hand up to our Ms. Madsen.

She quickly leaves the bank, seemingly without Sweeney, and climbs into the driver’s seat of a nearby police cruiser. Her cop escort gets in beside her, and when he takes off his ski mask we see – it’s Cal Sweeney!  Pretty good one, if I do say so myself.

Rebecca takes off, with Doc and Hauser in close pursuit. The cops left behind are flummoxed – where did their baddie go??

Doc isn’t the best of drivers – Hauser guesses (correctly, it seems) that he hasn’t driven a car since he was eleven years old – precisely when his traumatic kidnapping occurred. Perhaps he was forced to steal a car and drive away in order to escape? In any case, he’s not great behind the wheel, and he follows Cal and Rebecca so closely that Cal quickly realizes they’ve got a tail.

His gun trained on Rebecca, Cal instructs her to lose the tail. She turns on the flashing lights and siren and takes off. Emerson Hauser, realizing they’ve been spotted, tells Doc to let her go – which he does, after nearly causing a five car pile-up.

Ad break! Back in the main cell house of Alcatraz in 1960, Sweeney is nursing his leg injury and preparing to be led off to the hole. New Guy – who happens to have the adjoining cell – is seemingly concerned about Cal, telling him that it must’ve been worth it – if he had lost his entire family in a fire when he was ten years old, he’d wanna keep the one thing he had left, too.

Cal is stunned that New Guy knows all of this top-secret background information about his life, but that ain’t nothin’ compared to his shock when New Guy pulls out Cal’s empty tin box and slides it back down the hall to him.

My Altoids!

Yes indeed, it appears that Tiller was telling the truth after all – New Guy was the one who swiped Cal’s property! He rubs salt into Cal’s wound by reminding him of all the things he doesn’t have, things like family photos and whatnot. What a jerk-wad. It takes a real slime bucket to make you feel sorry for the cold-blooded killer he’s picking on, you know.

For SHAME, Lautner!! Now put some GD clothes on.

Sweeney asks New Taylor Lautner guy why he did it, and New Guy tells him he messed up – he made the number one mistake, showing his belly – showing New Guy what his one weakness was. And with Cal off serving thirty days in the hole – well, by the time he gets back, New Guy should have that black market business completely within his own slimy hands. Hard to believe anyone could be that devious, but there you go.

Cal, pissed at himself for being such a fool, stomps on his one possession – that tin box – before he’s led off by the guards.

CLANK-RATTLE-SLAM! In the present day getaway car, Rebecca asks Cal what he stole from the most recent bank, and he shows her an item that’s very familiar to us from the pilot episode -

Another damn soft black bag? UGH!!

Whaddaya think the odds are that this one contains another mysterious key, hmmmmm?

Madsen asks what’s in the bag, but Cal tells her he doesn’t know. When she tells him to open it, he replies that he’s not supposed to. He can’t remember why, he just knows he’s not supposed to open the soft, black bag. God I hate that description.

Cal tells Rebecca to pull over so he can let her out, but she doesn’t trust him for a second. Instead, after she notices he’s not wearing his seat belt, she puts the pedal to the metal and careens into a wall. The collision doesn’t kill Cal, but it knocks him out, and she quickly slaps handcuffs on his sorry ass.

Back at Alcatraz Command Central, Doc is taping up a picture of the team’s latest Captured Crazee, Mr. Cal Sweeney. Madsen shows him the sole item Sweeney stole from his recent heist – that damn black bag. Doc opens it, and whaddaya know – a key!

A hard, silver key.

Emerson Hauser saunters in and asks for the key. After a momentary staring contest, Madsen agrees to give it to him – IF he tells them what it’s for. He agrees. But once he gets the key, he strolls away, throwing a casual ‘some other day’ over his shoulder. If I were Madsen, I’d be infuriated at being treated like I was eight years old, but she seems to keep her cool. Whatevs.

In the lab, Hauser walks toward that mysterious door that Doc pointed out a few episodes ago – the big metal one with no handle. It opens, seemingly of its own accord, and Hauser moseys in to what looks like yet another high-tech lab. A handful of nerdy science guys are wandering around, and there are a bunch of screens on the wall showing what looks like traffic camera feeds and pill bug races.

Anyone got any guesses?

Hauser tells the science guys to run molecular testing on the key, along with the one they got from Jack Sylvane back in episode one. He thinks this might help them figure out ‘how the prisoners jumped’ – SOOOOOOOO! The reappearances of the ’63s seems to be a mystery to everyone – and apparently, Emerson Hauser believes they jumped through time somehow. So it wasn’t a nefarious plot by the peeps back in 1963, then? Hm. We shall see…

Hauser asks the science nerds what they can tell about the keys. They spout a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make much sense to me, then say that the keys’ ‘bidding codes’ are unique to each key…and that the keys are laser-cut, which doesn’t make much sense, since that process hadn’t been invented yet back in good old 1963. Curiouser and curiouser!

Hauser tells the dudes to thermal scan the island – he wants to know what these keys open, stat. The guys get to work.

CLANK-RATTLE-SLAM! Our tag is taking place in the past…and oooooh, what a good one it is!!! Warden James is escorting a shackled New Guy into the bowels of Alcatraz, while New Guy tells him that he didn’t do anything, that whatever Cal accused him of is a lie. He asks the warden where he’s taking him – the warden answers with, ‘a friend.’

Warden James then tells New Guy that his recent actions caught the attention of a certain subterranean dissident (I think he said dissident – anyone get something different?), who desires to have a parley with New Guy. As he’s saying all of this, he’s leading New Guy toward a very creep-tastic metal door, one with two locks – and wouldn’t you know it, the warden just happens to have two keys that are a perfect fit.

Yep. THOSE keys.

Once he turns both keys, a panel slides back to reveal…a THIRD keyhole! Oooooh, I love a good mystery! Warden James pulls something that looks like a fancy screwdriver out of his pocket and proceeds to use it to unlock the third door lock. Once he does, he pulls open the heavy metal door…

He tells New Guy, ‘your future just got a heck of a lot brighter. Don’t be shy.’ And then Warden James forces a very shaken looking New Guy to walk in front of him as they enter the dark cellar room…

THE END.

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Argh!! What – or who – the hell do you think is in that room? And why would it result in New Guy’s future getting brighter? Is this what Tommy Madsen was referring to when he told Sylvane about the secret stuff going on in the sub-basement of the prison? I’m guessing it probably is…and is it just me, or did we really never catch New Guy’s name? That seems highly suspect to me…I can’t believe we won’t be seeing that dude again, not after he got such a bone-chilling final scene.

What a great finish! That’s the part I like best about this show – the over-arcing mystery element. I hope they can keep that rolling, because I’m really enjoying the ride. Though I will say one thing: whatever is behind that door, it better be a hell of a lot more exciting than this:

(One of Lost‘s many unanswered mysteries. A lamer one.)

See you guys next week!

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