It’s the finale of The Amazing Race! So who will win? Can Team HSN take the title or will Claire stop for a burrito and spoil their chances? Can the Hot Docs claim first place, or will Katastrophe return to wreck havoc? Can Jill and Notre Douche beat out the two all-female teams, or will ND decide it’s more important to prove that a mere cosmetologist cannot succeed at anything than it is to win the big prize? Let’s find out!
He’s considering it…
In South Korea, Jill/ND are the first team to head out, and learn that the final destination city is LA. As “California Girls” plays disconcertingly in the background (seriously, how weird is it to hear pop music like that on TAR?), Phil tells us that the teams will need to travel to the Port of Long Beach once they arrive to get their next clue. Next off is Team HSN, and they tell us that they just need to beat ND as he is “just so hungry.”
“And I am starving!”
“Oh, me too! Mmm, what about ordering Chinese?”
“No, Claire, I meant figurativ– okay, sweetie, as soon as we get to the hotel, okay?”
The Hot Docs are bringing up the rear, not like it matters since they’ll all be on the same plane back to the States. We learn that the Docs both went to UCLA, which they hope will give them an advantage. I definitely think it will. As someone who’s never been to LA, I know I would struggle there as much as I would in plenty of the other cities abroad. Then again, I get lost here in Chicago on a regular basis and I’ve lived in the vicinity my whole life and downtown for the last 6 years, so I guess that’s not saying much. The teams all easily arrive at the South Korean airport, Team HSN showing off those special finale outfits they promised us — and they’re cheetah print hot pants. Yiiiiiikes. Not even clothes hanger models can make those look good, ladies. Not the best choice for an outfit to be remembered by. Especially since they seem to invite camel toe, judging by the way Claire’s already tugging on them.
Aggh, more bizarre Katy Perry music later, and we’re in LA. The Hot Docs arrive at the Port first, and Nat begins getting nervous as she takes in the sight of gigantic cranes and elevated platforms. Remember, the poor girl cried when they had to take those fancy gondolas to the top of the mountain in an early episode. Sure enough, the task requires both team members to ride a tiny elevator to a platform, get strapped together, and do a bungee jump. Sorry, but I’m going to have to pull the lame card on this one. It’s just not that interesting to watch people bungee jump, especially since this is a tandem jump so there’s not even the possibility of watching Nat standing there, refusing to jump. All Kat has to do is jump, and Nat gets taken with her. Nat may not like her very much after that, but she’s pretty helpless to stop it at the time.
As the Hot Docs ride the elevator up (which looks like the scariest part to me, as I’m convinced I’m going to meet my maker in the overcrowded lurching cattle cars they call elevators at the main Chicago courthouse), the other two teams arrive and seem slightly apprehensive but mostly game to do the task. All three teams convene on the platform, and Jill/ND and the editors try to make us believe that there’s a chance that Nat will chicken out and refuse to jump. No way in hell is that going to happen. If she did, I think Kat would be 100% justified in beating her with a decapitated sheep’s head every day for the rest of their lives.
Turns out that this is even lamer than I thought at first, as the teams don’t even have to make the decision to jump — one of the dudes assisting them on the platform simply pulls a release and they drop. Nat of course participates, and she and Kat get back onto the ground without incident to learn that they will now be taking a helicopter to a surprise destination. Jill/ND complete the task without issue either, and Claire and Brook scream like banshees on their turn, to the point I actually mute my computer for a few seconds just to make. it. stop.
Someone just cut those cords already and put us all out of our misery.
As of now, the Hot Docs have a small lead but it’s nothing they can get too comfortable with. We then waste a lot more time with watching the teams rave about the sights from their helicopters. Umm, I’m glad that you’re getting a nice aerial view of the city and all, but we’re over a third of the way into this finale and they haven’t had the Road Block or Detour yet. This pacing just feels off. I have a feeling we’re in for a boring ending.
The helicopters land at the Rose Bowl, and it is a Road Block finally, requiring one team member to help decorate a float for the Tournament of Roses. Which isn’t for another 6 months of so given this was taped in the summer, but who’s asking? Nat has to take it for the Hot Docs, as there are rules that require each member of the team to perform an equal number of Road Blocks, and this last one falls to her. Yowza. Is it just me or does she suddenly have gigantic arm muscles? Seriously, has she been shooting steroids along with her insulin? Once he arrives, Notre Douche is forced to take the task for his team, Jill lamenting that they purposefully made it so he would have to perform the final task, never thinking that her cosmetology degree might actually make her more qualified for the final task. I find it highly amusing, although her dumbness might have canceled out any advantage her training gave her, anyway.
HSN is now on the scene, and Brook screeches with former pageant-girl excitement as she begins the task. And least that prevents us from hearing her scream CLAAAAAIRE had it been the other way around. Nat finishes considerably far ahead of ND, but is informed that she did not prep the roses properly and has to re-do them (each rose is in a vial, but Nat forgot to put water in the vials first). Nat is lucky that the float lady pointed out the specific problem, or she could have been standing there scratching her head forever since it all looked correct from the outside. Still, despite having to remove all the roses, open the vials, fill the vials, and replace the roses on the float, she still finishes before Notre Douche finishes the second out of three parts of the task. So far, this is the Hot Docs’ to win!
“First I’m stuck with five chicks, now I’m painting vagina-esque flowers. Man, do I need a brewski, some beef jerky and a tittie bar right now.”
The girls get their next clue, which is a riddle that they can’t solve and neither can any of the cab drivers they ask. The first line of the riddle asks for the name of Sancho Panza’s boss, and I actually know the answer is Don Quixote. Learned it in college. Notre Douche, you know what I’m talking about! <fist bump> …God, I feel dirty now.
Notre Douche finishes the Road Block, and he and Jill jump in a cab and encounter the same Sancho Panza problem as the Hot Docs. As Notre Douche resists the overwhelming urge to strangle his driver who claims not to know what Google or the internet is at all (seriously dude?), the Hot Docs harass some lady via telephone to run the Google search for them, and they begin successfully unraveling all three parts of the riddle. Team HSN avoids this whole problem — whether wisely or not is left to be determined — by going straight to a hotel to use the internet themselves. As for Jill/ND, they’re still having no luck with their driver, as he flat-out ignores their begging to use his phone and keeps driving while maintaining his own private telephone conversation, as if taunting them with the phone he won’t let them have! Hahaha, karma anyone?
The Hot Docs now know where to go, and they easily arrive at Quixote Studios in first place. Seems like they have a sizeable lead, mostly attributable to their art of badgering people into helping them. They’d be the last team I’d think would successfully use that tactic. I am thrilled to report that this is a game-long memory task. I always enjoy these, and the few times they haven’t ended the race like this, I’ve been pissed. This year’s rendition is a gigantic screen showing 40 some odd people wearing hats. The teams must pick out the 11 greeters they met at the 11 Pit Stops during the race, and then put those 11 greeters in the correct order. It’s a bit easier of a memory task than I would like, but I’ll take it. There to cheer them on is Bob Eubanks, the host of the Newlywed Game.
“Who feels like making’ whoopee with me?”
This seems like it’ll be right up the Hot Docs’ alley, as you would assume that they’re good at memorizing things thanks to med school and will be analytical and calm. I can’t think of many things worse than a doctor who panics easily. “And now I will just gently clip this vein so that I can access— omg! omg! I think I nicked it! I NICKED IT! OMG! OMG!” <runs into wall and is knocked unconscious>
The Hot Docs get the first and third leg correct, but mess up on the second (which of course they won’t know until they go to submit everything). Meanwhile, HSN has successfully deciphered the clue at the hotel they went to, and is now on its way to the task. As for Jill/ND, they finally hop out of their cab ride from hell at the middle of an intersection, and are now roaming around, looking for a store that will let them use internet. They are so screwed and I LOVE it.
The Hot Docs have now fixed the second leg, but have made another mistake on the sixth. I know the show is trying to build drama by showing us all these mistakes, but the girls are correcting themselves almost instantly each time, and they’re over halfway done and neither of the other teams has even arrived yet. Plus, they’re allowed to use their notes, which I hate since it makes it all so much easier. So it’s not nearly as exciting as the editors want us to believe it is. I mean, it’s better than last week’s episode, but so is watching paint dry.
Although it wasn’t quite as bad as watching this…
Sure enough, the Hot Docs finish the task before anyone else shows up, and they’re on the way to the final mat. Now I’m sure we’re going to have to watch them get stuck in traffic while HSN cruises through the task, as an attempt to create drama. Don’t fall for it! And that’s exactly what happens, while Jill/Notre Douche are still unable to find someone with internet to help them. Hahaha. While I wish it was HSN that’s going to win this thing, I at least have the misery of ND as a consolation prize.
Enough not-so-clever editing — it’s time to join Phil at the mat, and watch the Hot Docs claim victory! Phil reminds all of us for the 100th time that this is the first all-female team to ever win the race, and then he begins quizzing Nat on what it means to her to win the race as a diabetic. Snooze. She never made it an issue, so stfu, Phil. Besides, I’m wondering if that whole diabetes thing is a lie to cover up her steroid injection habit. Seriously, look at those guns!
HSN finishes second and Jill/ND bring up the rear, presumably getting to skip the humbling of Bob Eubanks when Jill asks who he is and ND demands to know if he went to college. Brook and Claire remain in good spirits as always, Brook telling us in her Brook-isms that you don’t have to be a total bitch or a lesbian in order to be a strong woman. You have the option of being annoying as hell to consider, ladies! Phil then comments that Jill/ND were a strong, consistent team throughout the race but they really boned it today. Hahaha. Jill gets choked up trying to talk to us at the end, and Notre Douche “helpfully” swoops in to tell us what he thinks she’s trying to say. I’m sure I’m looking for it on purpose, but is everything this kid says to or about her condescending, or is it just me? Good riddance!
“So we lost. Now do you see why a college education is important?”
“I do! Maybe I should go to college after all…”
“Haha, but sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you that you’re not smart enough for that?”
“Oh… yeah, that’s right. Sorry babe.”
And that’s it! Are you happy and/or surprised that the Hot Docs pulled it off? Did you all enjoy Notre Douche’s utter defeat as much as I did? Do you think all our “happy” couples will stay together, or will any of the ladies see the light? And are you excited for All Stars?! Go Flight Time and Big Easy!
Thanks for making fun of this show with me all season. I hope you enjoyed reading the recaps as much as I enjoyed writing them. Happy holidays, everyone!