Amazing Race: Beaten By a Bunch of Girls…

This week on The Amazing Race, the teams travel to Bangladesh, which does the country’s tourism department no favors as we learn that it’s swelteringly hot, smells like ass and its water is full of trash.  Bangladesh: The Romantic Destination for Discerning Couples!

Speaking of dirty… It’s Backstabbing Time!

Mad Chad and Stephanie are off first, learning that they will be flying to Bangladesh for this leg of the race.  Once there, the teams have to find a sugar cane stall within a large outdoor supermarket, and use a press to fill a glass with sugar cane juice.  Once one of the team members drinks the juice, they will receive their next clue.  In addition to this information, the clue also informs MC/Stephanie that there’s a double u-turn ahead.  They tell us that if they get the opportunity to use it, they will u-turn Hot Docs because they’re too much of a threat.  This is the smartest thing MC has ever and likely will ever say.  It’s a bit disturbing to find myself agreeing with hi– aaaaand it’s immediately followed by him saying that he doesn’t want to lose to a pair of girls.  Nevermind then.  My world has righted itself.  I would like to note that Stephanie gave this huge laugh after MC said that.  There’s nothing funnier than hearing your fiance make sexist comments!  Well, when he makes the racist ones.  Those are the best.  Bwahahahaha.  Minorities!

At the airport, the Hot Docs decide to take a flight to Dubai and figure out how to get to Bangladesh from there while most of the other teams are resigned to a flight arriving at 12 noon the next day in Bangladesh.  Confident that he and Stephanie have booked the best flight option, MC’s moobs go off in search of a Blizzard and a cheeseburger.  This is surprising as I was sure that if anyone went wandering off for a 2000 calorie snack, it’d be Claire.  (For those of you who were asking, I started poking fun at Claire about being food ADD because she was distracted during a Detour back in Ghana by some kid who was making mashed potatoes in an alley.  If I recall, she was muttering things like “Mmm, smells goooood…” which I found pretty amusing given that she’s 1) in a race and paying more attention to food than the task and 2) she’s drooling over potatoes in an alley, which is totally gross.  Adding that to the fact that Clarie is a fat girl’s name, per the Breakfast Club, the joke thus started).  Meanwhile, Jill and Notre Douche stubbornly stick by a ticket agent, repeatedly demanding that the poor woman check everything to see if there isn’t a better flight.  I hate to admit it, but ND’s instincts pay off, as the ticket woman finally announces that she got them on a flight landing in Bangladesh at 5:00 a.m. — a full 7 hours earlier than the other flight.  That is HUGE.  Too bad it is a shitty team that has the advantage!

As MC continues to nom nom nom through his graham cracker crust, Teams HSN and Tats realize that Jill/ND figured something out with the flights.  However, when HSN asks the ticket woman if they can be put on the same flight, they learn that it is sold out.  Refusing to give up that easily — despite having done exactly that earlier when they accepted that the best flight arrived at 12 noon — both teams harass separate agents to see if there’s a flight arriving between the 5:00 a.m. flight and the 12 noon flight.  And there is!  And Team Tats snatches up the few tickets that are left, arriving now at 8:30 a.m.  Team HSN is shit out of luck and stuck on the 12 noon flight.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen Brook this quiet for this long of a period of time.  It’s almost eerie.

Now we know that there are 2 things that will shut this woman up — death and bad luck with flights.

Team HSN is delighted when they see that MC and Stephanie have returned from the troughs and that they’re not the only team stuck on the 12 noon flight.  As for the Hot Docs, we see when they land in Dubai that they’re going to arrive in Bangladesh at 12 noon, just like HSN and MC/Stephanie.  At least they’re not even further behind.

Jill/ND arrive in Bangladesh at 5:00, and leisurely make their way to the supermarket and the sugar cane press.  Notre Douche — who is actually wearing a Notre Dame t-shirt for this leg — manipulates the press and chugs the glass of juice without any problems.  As Jill casually pours herself a small serving from the display glass, really indulging in the presumed safety of their significant head start, ND barks at her to pay attention as he reads the next clue.  He’s a douche for sure but she really is a ditz at times.  It’s a Detour, with the choices of Balanced Meal or Balanced Bricks.  In Meal, the teams must collect 30 metal meal canisters, deliver them to a boat in a harbor, and then return with at least 10 of the empty canisters to get their next clue.  Um, boring much?  In Bricks, the teams carry baskets of bricks on their heads and receive their next clue after delivering 100 unbroken bricks.  This is also boring, but probably the one I would pick since it seems simpler.

Jill and ND pick Bricks, and he — somewhat patiently for him — teaches her words like rickshaw and extremities on their way to the brick yard.  As Jill reels from spotting a dog that she thought was dead at first (me too… it sure looked dead for a minute there!), they arrive and load up their baskets.  As they’re so far in the lead thanks to their flight, we almost immediately jump to them completing the task, sweat pouring in steady streams off their faces.  Gross.  I can’t even begin to guess how funky MC is going to smell once he gets there, sweating out those cheeseburgers and blizzards.  I’m imaging it to be like deep fried armpit, coated in sour milk.

Between that smell and that neck pillow, I don’t know how Stephanie has the willpower to not bend him over a chair and DO HIM right then and there.

As Teams HSN and MC/Stephanie rejoice at seeing the Hot Docs with them on the 12 noon flight — a scene which is noteworthy for the fact that the editors are now blatantly using cartoon sound effects when Brook talks — Jill/ND arrive at the double u-turn.  Phil explains that it gives two separate teams the power each u-turn one team of their choosing.  Jill/ND use the u-turn — as would I at this late stage of the race — and decide to u-turn Team HSN which is an okay decision but I still think the Hot Docs are the bigger threat.  What this means, of course, is that HSN will now have to complete both sides of the Detour, and our ears will bleed from the extra “CLAAAAAIRE”s we’re subjected to.

Jill/ND speed off for their next clue, with is the Roadblock and requires one team member to assemble a rickshaw.  Jill, excited that she now knows what a rickshaw is, volunteers to complete the Roadblock and makes good progress off the bat, despite confusing her bolts for bullets.  Let’s hope she never tries to trade in cosmetology school for the police academy.  Meanwhile, Team Tats has now arrived on the second flight in Bangladesh, and they cruise through the sugar cane press and pick Meal as their Detour. Yawn.  This isn’t going to get interesting until the third plane arrives, now is it?

As Notre Douche makes goofy faces at a baby that he would never consider having with someone who hasn’t gone to COLLEGE, Jill continues to put together the rickshaw with little difficulty.  At the same time, Team Tats has collected its canisters and the back 3 teams are finally landing in Bangladesh.  Leaving the airport, Team HSN is in last place with a u-turn waiting for them, and MC/Stephanie tell us that they will u-turn the Hot Docs should they somehow have the opportunity to do so, despite them not being one of the first two teams to reach the u-turn.  The real question is who Team Tats will u-turn.  I’m PRAYING it’s MC and Stephanie, but I have a bad feeling it’ll be the Hot Docs as well.

I know it’s super hot and a race and all, but unless the task requires the mopping of a floor in Warsaw, Kat’s look is really not acceptable.

Jill finishes the Roadblock, and she and ND head off for the Pit Stop, never having even come close to seeing another team.  What a relaxing leg this must have been for them compared to other legs.  Jerks.  Meanwhile, Team Tats is making quick work of the Detour and MC is busy making Michael Scott’s head explode as he rattles off one “that’s what she said” after the other at the sugar cane press, my favorite being “Just stick it in there!”  According to the editing, the three back teams each finish the sugar cane press at the same time, and all three pick Meal as their Detour.

Jill/ND check in as the first place team, winning $7500 each, as Team Tats finishes their Detour and arrive at the u-turn.  Nick immediately begins yelling that they have to u-turn MC/Stephanie (bad strategic decision, awesome personal decision) but Vicki shows her soft side again that makes her one of my favorite people left on the race when she argues back that there’s no need to u-turn anyone when they are so far ahead and are not in danger of being eliminated.  Nick grumpily gives in when she insists, and thus Team Tats does not u-turn anyone.  I don’t necessarily think this was Vicki’s best game move — I would want to put as much distance between myself and the bottom teams as possible for the start of the next leg — but she’s such a sweetheart you can’t help but like her and wonder what she’s doing with Nick the Dick.

The Hot Docs have now arrived at the Detour without difficulty, with HSN a few minutes behind them.  MC/Stephanie, on the other hand, picked a bad rickshaw driver who gets lost for a bit and puts them behind the other two teams.  As Nick begins the Roadblock for Team Tats, the Hot Docs and HSN both arrive  at the boats to drop off their canisters of food, with Brook waving psychotically at the locals on the boat.  Someone’s going to have nightmares of her grinning skull tonight. Well, besides me.

“Claire!  CLAIRE!  CLAAAAAIRE!  Stop trying to pry open those containers with your teeth and wave at the cute little boat people!”

The two female teams finish the Detour and head back to shore, passing MC/Stephanie on the water on the way.  This means that the the ladies have about a 10-15 minute lead on MC/Stephanie, from my best guess.  As Nick completes the Roadblock, the Hot Docs reach the u-turn and u-turn MC/Stephanie!  YAAAAAY!  You know that MC is going to go all Hulk when he sees this, conveniently forgetting that he’s been running his trap this whole episode about how he wanted to u-turn the Hot Docs.  Cannot. Wait.  Although, as much as I’m enjoying this, I don’t think I would have u-turned anyone if I were the Hot Docs.  First, it doesn’t look like they’re in danger of being eliminated this leg.  Then, consider that Team HSN is definitely stronger than MC/Stephanie, and if the Hot Docs don’t use the u-turn, there’s a chance that MC/Stephanie will beat HSN to the u-turn, thus making it so only HSN has to do the second task and practically guaranteeing HSN’s elimination.  Plus, the Hot Docs wouldn’t get their hands dirty.  Just some thoughts

Team HSN arrives at the u-turn and sees that Jill/ND u-turned them.  Brook gnashes her teeth in frustration a bit (and I believe makes a comment under her breath along the lines of ND having a tiny wiener, which is very likely true), but Claire mostly looks sad that this is going to push back dinner for an hour or so.  They quickly make their way over to Bricks, and Brook zooms right back up to her alarmingly perky self (seriously, what is that woman ON?  I want some!) while Clarie groans and considers laying down to take a nap instead.  As Brook pokes her lazy teammate with a stick and shrieks in her ear, MC/Stephanie start heading back for shore after finishing the first half of the Detour and Team Tats checks in as the second team at the Pit Stop.

Nat begins building the rickshaw at the Roadblock for the Hot Docs, as Brook piles in at least twice as many bricks in her basket as Claire, the latter of whom is panting and begging Brook to take it easy so that she can finish the task in one piece.  Say what you will about Brook’s tendency to be annoying — and she’s yelping more tonight than she has in several weeks — but the woman in a MACHINE.  Seriously, I think she’s got more bricks in there than even ND did.  As for MC/Stephanie, they finally find the u-turn after getting lost again, and bitch and moan that the Hot Docs “of all people” u-turned them.  Hahahaha, that’s called karma.  And the Hot Docs playing this game to win, as they should.  MC’s bad attitude is just another reason why I hope to God this is their death blow.

Mad Chad: A rare photo from before he won the local, regional and national rounds of the American Lard Eating Competition.

HSN finishes the second half the detour, with Brook still going strong and Claire insisting to Brook that she needs a few minutes to catch her breath before she barfs.  As I know I already WOULD be barfing in her shoes, I’m not going to poke fun at Claire for this one, for it looked like she really busted her ass out there.  As Claire’s complaints continue to fall on the deaf ears of the cyborg she’s partnered with, MC/Stephanie begin loading up the bricks for their first drop-off.

Both teams are clearly starting to freak the fuck out, as both Claire and Stephanie talk back to their more aggressive, pushy teammates more than ever before, especially Stephanie, who tells Mad Chad to “shut the hell up and stop being such a dick!”  That sound you hear is clapping all over America.  I don’t really care for Stephanie, but I support anyone who tells MC to fuck off, as she just basically did.  Claire’s approach involves a bit more whining and a bit less battered woman syndrome, especially when she passively aggressively tells Brook that if Brook wanted a more physically dominating teammate then she shouldn’t have done the race with Claire.  However, she gets her point across to Brook, who tells her that they just need to stay positive.  Claire looks like she positively wants to punch Brook in the face, which I don’t think is what Brook meant.

HSN arrives at the Roadblock and sees that the Hot Docs are still there, and editing tells us that MC/Stephanie roll up mere minutes after that.  Brook and Stephanie get to work on the task for their respective teams.  As Nat struggles to finish the rickshaw, a bitter and hypocritical MC shouts at her that assembling a rickshaw should be a piece of cake for a PhD like her.  HAHA.  Oh, MC, you ignorant slut.  A PhD would be about as useful in an operating room as my JD would be .  Just because there’s a “doctor” in our degree’s name does not mean that we have any business holding a scalpel.  That being said, I might be willing to try an operation if the right patient came my way.  Like say… MC?  Criminal negligence, criminal schmegligence.  I can’t imagine a jury that would convict me, can you?

Perfect Bitch Face from the Polish Cleaning Lady Kat.

Mad Chad continues interchangeably shouting insults at Nat and encouragements at Stephanie, while Kat correctly tells us that the wittle baby boy is bitter about the u-turn.  I wish she knew that MC had been planning to u-turn her ass all along, and that he is probably most upset about losing “to a bunch of girls.”  Despite Mad Chad being a rude idiot, both Hot Docs stay classy and mostly ignore MC as if he’s a particularly nasty child who will stop acting up if you don’t give him the attention he’s seeking.  In fact, the Hot Docs even try to APOLOGIZE to Mad Chad for… what?  Beating him at his own game?  I appreciate the maturity, ladies, but don’t waste your time with this one.  Despite editing making it look super close between the three teams at the Roadblock, Nat finishes in plenty of time ahead of Brook and Stephanie, and the Hot Docs take off for the Pit Stop, checking in as team three at dusk.

After a few tense moments of watching Brook struggle with the rickshaw’s bell and Stephanie struggle with its seat, the editors tell us that HSN and MC/Stephanie both finish within seconds of each other and that this will be a true footrace to the Pit Stop.  For the first time all season, I’m very tense watching these last few minutes because it actually looks close for once and because I have such a clear favorite between these two teams.  Goooo HSN!

AND THEY MAKE IT!  Yaaaay!  I cheer as Brook drags what may now be Claire’s corpse to the mat, and Phil announces that they are officially in fourth place and thus safe from elimination.  It’s clearly nighttime at this point, showing that the Hot Docs were not as close to being eliminated as we were led to believe.  As for MC/Stephanie, they are eliminated, putting us all out of our misery!!!  Mad Chad lost to a bunch of girls after all, completely oblivious that he was the biggest bitch of them all.  Good luck with him, Stephanie.  Although, I’m not so sure you don’t deserve him.

So what did you think?  Are you happy that MC/Stephanie were eliminated?  Do you think it’s fair that Jill/ND and Team Tats got such earlier flights, or should such huge discrepancies in flight times be eliminated by requiring teams to take certain flights?  And with only four teams left, who do you think is the next to go?  See you next time!