Amazing Race: China Blows Brent!

Welcome back kids! It’s been way too long! Just to recap – what’s the most important lesson we’ve learned so far this season?! Beauty queens may look fuckable but are not to be fucked with – no matter how stupid they are. Also, hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned. I’ll say it one last time – this show needs a reunion episode. Just so we can watch the bloodbath. I mean, be fair to the viewers and our needs.

AND, guess who I met and had a conversation with last week?! CAROL!!! Details after the jump…

So this is the 3rd time I’ve started this recap thanks to the delightful !@% program I use. Apparently it’s sadistic and likes to erase 6 hours of work on a whim. So sorry for the delay. Personally, I think the Lesbians have something to do with it. Speaking off…

I was at an event last weekend and spotted none-other-than CAROL across the crowded room! At first I had a panic attack that a) she reads my recaps and b) she’d recognize me somehow so I shielded my face with a welding mask and hoped for the best. However, it was an open bar and I had “more than one / less than six” drinks (it’s a recession ok? back off!) so shortly the idea to approach her became “the best idea ever”. I greeted her with a “Carol?! From Amazing Race?!” and when she turned around…

My face did this.

I kid, I kid! She was actually very nice and happy to talk to me. I told her I loved her on the show and the first thing out of her mouth was “I’m sorry we let the beauty queen beat us!” Awww – apparently time does NOT heal all wounds. Throughout the conversation I learned that her and Brandy are no longer an item, she doesn’t consider herself a villain (in her defense she wasn’t wearing a coat made of murdered kittens as I would’ve imagined) and that sleep depravation plays a huge part in their moods. I told her that I imagine myself to be the most awesome person in the world but if I was on the show and suffered a lack of sleep, I’m almost sure I’d come off as Hitler meets Janice Dickenson. She also mentioned that Cord is the sweeter of the 2 cowboys (someone’s got a crush!) and offered me $100 to murder Ms. Teen. Just kidding. She offered much more than that. She also told me a few insider details, which, being the reputable blogger I am, since it was off-record, I shall not divulge. The only reason I even bring it up is to look cool. Oh my God. I AM a bitch. Anways, back to the race!

The first team to take off is the Lover Brothers! They find out that their next stop is Shanghai, China and they must find “Zhujiajiao” (God bless you). It’s known as the Venice of China. I’m sure it’s going to smell AWESOME.

Dan shows the love to Jordan by saying that he hates him just as much now as he did before. Awwww. He’s awesome.

Next off, Team Such As starts off by apologizing (via the camera) to the Lesbians. Too late. Girl if I were you I’d invest in a body guard, a bullet proof vest and a tank.

The Cowboys then head out and we find out that Jet is married with a kid and Cord is freshly engaged. Boo! Way to crush hopes and dreams boys!

And then finally, Team Dicks is the last team to head out. Who would’ve ever thought these two would make it to the final four?! And BTW…

Sometimes I think of Louis as the fat one, and other times I realize he could fit in Michael’s belly.

Teams begin to arrive at the airport and discover they have to wait. They finally convene and everyone fills the Lover Brothers in on the Lesbian U-Turn scandal. And Ms. Teen is ECSTATIC to tell her story…

OMG. I got it all wrong. Ms. Teen has been the villain all along!

Ms. Teen’s thrilled she’s the last girl left standing. I’m sure I speak for all of us when I ask, “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THIS SEASON?!?!”

The Lover Brothers comment that it was foolish of Team Such As to Uturn the Lesbians when the Cowboys are such a stronger team. SO TRUE. Ms. Teen may have won the battle but she certainly fucked up the war.

All teams are now on the same plane to China. Once they arrive, it’s a race to the taxis…

Or any other race… ever. Unless it’s to the cardiac ward.

Teams then race off to “Zskdfjknsd” and once in the town must race by foot to the boat dock.

If there’s a God, that sign says, “This boat no float.” in Chinese.

Teams take off in their boats and admire the beauty around them…

Yes Brent. I’d imagine you also love traveling around the world in Epcot, you @$%! idiot.

The Cowboys also enjoyed the setting. Jet thought it was “tranquil” and Cord’s head spins around at the sound of the new vocab, “tranquil”.

Why’s it so cute when they’re stupid? They make illiteracy charming. Like Opposite George Bush.

Meanwhile, the Lover Brothers and Team Dicks are lost because their drivers don’t speak Engrish. They’re not having much luck either. They’re rearry, rearry fucked. (OK last one, I promise!)

Up ahead, Team Such As arrives to the detour first and find out that it’s: Make homemade noodles!

And this guy already has Ms. Teen’s all ready to go! Just slip your head riiight through here and…

Teams must make small noodles out of the big mound of dough to get their next clue from…

WHHHAAAAA?!? It’s Ping-Ping – the world’s smallest man! Either that or it’s the world’s largest clue.

Ms. Teen takes the challenge and approaches Ping-Pink like he’s retarded, not short, and I swear she was thinking about putting him in her pocket.

Uh Brent, I guarantee you Ping-Ping is taller than 3 inches.

The Cowboys are the next to arrive and Cord jumps right in. They’re also quite amused with Ping-Ping…

Hands down funniest line of the season. Why would Pingy be in a trash can?! Is he the Asian Oscar the Grouch?!

Back behind these two teams, Team Dicks and the Lover Brothers are STILL lost with crap cab drivers. Well, not crap. They just can’t speak English. I think the prerequisite for any cabbie – wherever you are in the world, is that they not speak the language of whomever their current passenger is. I swear you could get into a cab anywhere and be like “I speak every language known to man, even the dead ones.” And the cabbie would turn around and sign “I can’t hear or speak.” in sign language.

Luckily they found an English-speaking, Asian Tina Fey to help them out.

Up ahead with Pinger…

Holy shit. That’s gotta be like smoking a pack for him. If I was friends with him I’d put him in a stroller and push him around in public while he smoked.

Jet’s doing a pretty good job “whoopin” the pasta while Ms. Teen is having some problems. Brent wishes she’d be more gentle with her “noodle” like Jet is. Is there anything the Cowboys CAN’T do?! (Sarcastic Head Voice: “Men”.) Shut up Sarcastic Head Voice!

The Lover Brothers and Team Dicks finally arrive and Jordan (wisely) takes the challenge. Dan calls him the “Noodle Master”. Insert dick joke here. I wonder if Jordan’s a rice queen?

Louis remembers his grandma making PAAAAAHSTAH so he dives in to make the noodles. Meanwhile it turns out that Jet is the real noodle master that everyone envies. He finishes up and the Cowboys head out to Shanghai’s fashion district.

Ms. Teen and Jordan are getting frustrated while the locals watch in bewilderment…

Like this 142 year old woman. Ummm… so is moisturizing a Western thing only? And where have I seen this lady before?!

No…

Closer…

There she is! What a scream.

The Cowboys are amazed at all the tall buildings in Shanghai and are feeling very culturally aware of blah blah blah…

Is anyone else getting the incest vibe? I mean, he’s totally looking longingly at him. Just saying.

Soon they arrive at their next clue destination and it’s at a fashion house. Apparently Shanghai is the fashion capital of China.

Also home to Chinese Mary-Kate and killer bows.

In this challenge, teams must find the correct clothes to put together the hideous outfits on the sketches. Once they’ve committed the appropriate fashion atrocity, they’ll be given their next clue. Jet’s reaction is “Ahh no more fine arts!” Yeah. Can’t they just lasso these girls and hog tie them with gaudy bows?

The boys have a rough time picking out the right clothes and…

OK SERIOUSLY?! Those are fuck-me eyes.

Back at the noodle challenge Ms. Teen finishes and meets her match…

“Ping Ping go bam bam now?”

Louis is actually doing a better job than Jordan. Martha Stewart and Ted Allen are sooo gonna slap the gay out of Jordan when he gets back to the states.

Speaking of, the Cowboys comment that they have to hurry because Jordan’s gonna beat them at the fashion challenge when he gets there. I sure hope so. Cause if that kid gets there and says “Fashion?! Ugh… can’t we just have a sweat pants challenge?!” his gay card is going to get shredded.

I can hear those buttons screaming all the way back here in the US.

Michael says he’s gonna punch Louis in the head when he’s done. Umm – is that a “guy” thing? It’d sure be nice to hear Brent say it.

Meanwhile Jordan starts to have a breakdown because he’s total shit at it and his hands are freezing. He just wishes there was a way to warm up the dough…

NO PING PING! BAD! BAD! NO TINKLE!

Dan takes the moment to try and hug the incompetence out of his brother. Dan is actually REALLY sweet. He brings a tissue over to Jordan and everything. I kind of think he’s gayer than Jordan at this point. And I mean that in the best way. He’s gonna make some girl a lucky, lucky beard one day.

Up ahead at the fashion challenge, the Cowboys finally get the right outfit together…

“Cover girl! Put the base in your walk!”

What do you think Asian Ugly Betty?!

“I give it supah thumbs up so hahd!!!”

The cowboys learn that they must head towards the Hong Kong football stadium for their next challenge. The Cowboys take off just as Team Such As arrives. If these two don’t nail THIS challenge then they might as well give up now. Of course they immediately make comments about how they’re used to wearing the clothes – not picking them out. Ironically, it’s taking off their clothes that’s gotten them this far in life.

Back at the noodle challenge, Jordan’s still making a mess. The best part is when he snaps at Ping Ping not to laugh at him. Watch it Jordan, I’m betting that little ankle-biter could make a mess of your noodle.

However, Jordan finally finishes and makes up with Pinger. He even thanks him.

But don’t thank Ping Ping…

Thank his parents for having him.

The Cowboys then arrive to the stadium and find out that they must complete ANOTHER roadblock! In this roadblock, the person who did not do the pasta challenge must arrange large puzzle cards to form a picture. Then they must hand the cards over to a crowd and when the crowd turns the cards over, it will reveal the location of the next clue. Good lord. Now I know why when my friends watch this show they say they lose interest.

And while Cord gets to work, Jet says he always makes up for not knowing how to do something with “try”. I love these two! They have to be the most supportive team since the hippies. Remember that finale? That was the best TAR finale EVER.

Over at the fashion challenge…

“OK, we’re actually models so here’s your first tip – empty your mind and relax. No literally… empty your mind. Forget everything you’ve ever learned. If you know how to blink your eyes you haven’t fully brain cleansed.”

Team Such As finally gets a quick approval from China Ferrera and they’re off to the stadium.

After walking back and forth past the door to the fashion institute (which was right behind the clue box), Team Dicks finally figure out that’s where it is. They comment, “Geez… what kind of detectives are we?!”

Bad ones? If only the challenge was finding a Dunkin’.

They get right to dressing the girl, in what looks like all the wrong clothes, and Louis tells her she’s gonna look sexy. The girl rolls her eyes and looks like she wants to die. There’s soooo not a happy ending in Louis’ future.

The Lover Brothers finally arrive to the fashion challenge and Jordan WORKS IT. It’s about time they find a challenge he’s good at.

On the other hand, it looks like this girl’s on her way to an execution for skinning an ostrich. Good job Dicks!

While the Lover Brothers throw together an outfit with sassy expertise, the Dicks complain that they’d rather have a shooting challenge. Dear Lord, they’re going to end up 86′ing their model.

Up at the stadium, Team Such As arrives and Brent starts the challenge. But Ms. Teen’s pissed – she love’s puzzles and wants to do it!

Just look at her last work! Granted, she didn’t finish, but in her defense it got real boring after 3 hours. Side note: Ummm they totally gave that bear a penis.

Meanwhile up in the stadium audience…

I hope the girl in white isn’t wondering why she’s sitting alone. I’m totally using this idea on my next Southwest flight. A whole row to myself guaranteed!

Back at the fashion challenge, the Lover Brother’s model gets turned down and Jordan gays out so bad he shits confetti. Soon they realize they have to switch stockings with the Dick’s model. The models do and both teams are off to the stadium!

In the cab, Louis admits out loud that he enjoyed ladies fashion.

THAT GIRL HAS A SMILE ON HER SARS MASK!!! I’M DYING!

The Lover Brothers and Team Dicks finally arrive at the stadium. All teams are here and now fighting to the end. Cord and Brent are getting close to finishing. Before we watch them finish the puzzle, let’s check in with Ollie Williams for the Blaccu-weather forecast, Ollie?

“It’s gonna blow!”

Thanks Ollie. And blow it does! The wind blows their cards all over the place and while Cord leaps on top of his, Brent stands there, cursing at the world while his pieces blow all over.

WIN.

FAIL.

Don’t look at us. You picked him.

Cord gets the good idea to use chairs to hold down the cards while Brent goes the “stomping and whining” route.

He literally screamed at a card for blowing away. I’m speechless.

Meanwhile one of the spectators tries to cheer him up.

Cord finally gets the pieces all together and they flip over to reveal the location of the clue! Cowboys are in the lead once again. They then head off to the pit stop: Shanghai Science & Technology Museum!

Cord stops a girl to ask for directions. How did he ever see her with ALL of that camouflage on?! YIKES.

Brent’s the next one finished. Thank God. I don’t think they had any more pampers to change him into if the wind blew his cards again.

It’s now down to the Dicks and Lover Brothers while Team Cowboys takes another WIN! What do they win Phil? A luxury trip to Alaska!

Phil, you may want to start moisturizing as well. You look like you’re about to watch Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker fight.

The Cowboys admit they won’t be going with each other on these trips they’ve won – they’re going with some one else! Awww… boys. Don’t fight over me.

Team Such As checks in right behind them while the boys battle it out at the stadium. But Dan works his magic in the end and finishes before the Dicks! The Lover Brothers run out, leaving the Dicks… well… dicked.

Team Lover Brothers check in leaving Team Dicks in last place. The Dicks, after some tears and loving at the stadium (at least they’ve been good to each other) check in and Phil tells them that they are “out”. To which Louis burst into tears and says he knew loving the fashion challenge would out him. Phil then explains he meant “out in the cold” and they’re actually SAVED! Non-elimination round!

And we close with…

Awww geeeeez. Ya think you could’ve told us before we made jokes about him!? Poor PingPing. I imagine they didn’t realize he was gone ’til Michael found him on the bottom of his shoe.

And that’s it! What’d everyone think?! Can you believe what a spaz Brent is?! Are you excited the Dicks got the save? Share your innermost TAR fears and favs! Or just tell me how awesome I am. I mean, that never falls on deaf ears. Unless you’re Carol and you’ve just realized you met the guy that writes this shit and didn’t get to rip his still-beating heart out. Come on kids and DISH IT!!!