Last week on the Amazing Race: Full grown man birth!
The Amazing Race theme song was performed by Berry and myself. I do the lady sounds, Berry does the man grunts and the music is all a rainstick and various ring tones. Can you believe it? Believe it.
Amazing Race is brought to you by the breathtaking Ford Focus and its active Grille Shutters. Wow, what a great car a Ford Focus is, wonder if we say Ford Focus enough if they’ll send us one. We need one. The Ford Focus’ cup holders are the EXACT right size for my XXL KFC diet pepsi cup, plus it has Torque Vectoring Control. I need that, whatever that is. Ford Focus!!
Okay back to AR, the teams still running their ass’s ragged around the world include:
Team ASL (Margie & Luke)
Fake Trotters (Zev & Justin)
White (as in Caucasian) Daddy Issues (Gary & Mallory)
Asian Daddy Issues (Ron & Christina)
Team Peepants (Jen & Kisha)
Team Edward (Kent & Vyxsin)
Team Redhead (Sexy & What’s-her-face)
The teams start this episode in Japan!! TOO SOON!!!!! Phil is in the mouth of Tokyo bay, again at Matthew Perry’s monument. He tells us that teams have to take the mandatory AR plane to China, then they are on their own to get to the Jade Dragon Mountain for their next clue.
Fake Trotters are on their way first. Jev is really sad that they are going to China because there are so many people and he’s not a “people person.” He’s also not a big fan of “water.” Or “living.”
Both Daddy/Daughter issues are on their way. Ron & Christina are super stoked about going to China cuz they speak Chinese, plus they’ve been to the place they are going so……Ron knows EXACTLY what to complain about going in.
There are flashbacks of past seasons where Jen calls Luke a bitch. But he is a bitch right? If only there was enough drama on this season that they didn’t have to use past seasons. So sad. Such a waste of film and all of our times.
Hide yo kids hide yo wife, cuz the sign language mafia is coming to get you!!
Team Edward can’t find their Ford Focus, and when they find it, they don’t know how to use it. How did they get a Ford Focus to Tokyo? They should have just used a Toyota right? Maybe it is a Toyota and that’s why the editors made sure that the Toyota’s trunk is soooo hard to figure out.
Team Redhead HATES China. They think it sucks.
Another unsuccessful Mulan audition.
Team Edward is FREAKING OUT!!! Vyxsin is going absolutely insane for some reason. Is there a new moon ritual that we don’t know about? WHAT?!?!?!? They couldn’t find the airport for like….9 1/2 hours! The other teams are like, “where are they?” And they are……..way, far away. They finally get to the airport and book a flight that leaves at 3:30pm. So, they’re on their way, even if they are like, way, way behind.
The mandatory plane has already landed in China. Ron & Christina speak Chinese so they slide ahead of the pack onto the first train. All the rest of the teams are on the 2nd train.
Team Edward is just arriving in China, makeupless, but hopeful.
Asian Daddy Issues are sooo in the lead that they stop for pork buns. Ron is temporarily satisfied by the food. Very temporarily. They get on the shuttle way early, even before the bus driver.
Team Edward is on a flight to the 2nd location. Vyx nearly lost her passport, but found it at the ticketing counter. Kent keeps mumbling “I’m gonna shoot you, I’m gonna shoot you, I’m gonna shoot you.” Warning signs much?!
All the teams get on the first green shuttle bus, the one that Ron stank up with this pork buns. They ride the shuttle bus to the top Jade Dragon Mountain. “We gettin’ on animals,” someone eloquently exclaims! Indeed they will be gettin’ on animals. Yaks to be precise.
The teams proceed to the clue box. Ron looks like he’s about to die.
Pork bun cramp!
So, this isn’t really a detour or a roadblock per say, but they have to properly saddle 1 yak and ride it across the river to get their next clue. (Phil emphasized 1. Which dumb ass team is going to try and do multiple yaks?)
“I’m so cold and lonely “
Teams must now ride a gondola up high to get another clue since the yak thing was like…. a bust. They are all dying because of the altitude. Thank God Mike quit for Mel last week cuz this FOR SURE would have done him in.
“Who thinks they’re living a charmed life?” Margie points to Luke, her gay, deaf son.
Phil tells the tale of the Chinese Zodiac and how each of the 12 animals were challenged to a race by Buddha. The order in which they completed the race is the order on the calendar. Interesting AR, that’s the first cultural thing I’ve learned so far this season. Unless you count that the Japanese LOVE Matthew Perry. In this version of the Old MacDonald race teams have to search amongst tens of thousands of hanging charms for the 12 animals of the Chinese Zodiac. Once they have found all the animals and put them in their correct order they will receive their next clue.
Ron & Christina are deciding who is going to do this Roadblock. Ron, “Is it eating? I’ll do it. Charmed? Is it about a sandwich? You know, it might be eating so….I better make sure I eat it.” Christina finally accepts the challenge and complains that she is at a disadvantage because she only knows the Chinese animals in Chinese.
“Ronny don’t play that!”
Team Edward just arrived at the yaks, they could be catching up. But probably are not.
Redhead, “I just need a pig, a dragon and a snake.” Compared to them I’ll look SUPER pretty!
Mallory finishes first. She’s trying to help Luke for some reason. Can’t tell if she’s really dumb or really nice. But it’s definitely not both. A lot of grunting is coming from Luke. Doesn’t sound like he’s looking for clues as much as it sounds like he’s about to get caught “signing” in his underwear. Equally off-putting, Zev is doing Elmer Fudd impressions.
Berry’s Amazing Race Tip: If you can’t find what you’re looking for say, “Ah dammit I can’t find _______.” Then quickly turn to see what the camera man is zooming in on just out of your line of vision. Berry guarantees it’s what you’re looking for.
Watch and learn:
Still waiting for Jen and Luke to have a part 2 bitch fight encounter. Maybe that flashback wasn’t foreshadowing at all! Maybe it was just filler!! How DARE YOU CBS!
The Globetrotters get it and are screaming and scaring the Chinese. Zevmer Fudd still needs that wabbit. Vyxsin completes riding the Yak and Team Edward is sailing up on the gondola. Zev is lost in a time blip, so he punches the charms. Best way to really get the job done is to destroy everything. That’s something Berry and I learned from Lost; and from being married for 45 years.
Ford Focus Ford Focus Ford Focus Ford Focus…come on Ford! Franberry needs a new hatchback!!!!! (Does a Ford Focus even have a hatchback? WHO CARES!!)
Kent & Vyxsin catch up to Zev & Justin. Kent has Vyxsin do the task because he likes to taste failure and death. Kent tells Justin that they were late because their shitty Toyota broke down. If only they had a Ford Focus, am I right? Then Justin plants doubt in Kent’s mind because he points out that they didn’t get on the mandatory plane. Joke’s on Justin because Kent gets horny when he’s in doubt.
Nice “poker face” Kent.
Asian Daddy Issues got on a trolley instead of the bus and are freaking out! Christina jumps out of the moving trolley and Ron hurls a pork bun at the correct bus. Team Globetrotter stops their bus so that Ron & Christina can board. BTW they have now MORE than made up for that whole fanny pack thing……
Zev can’t get figure out this animal mind puzzle. When you start to lose your mind, it’s over. Berry knows. Not only from running the Amazing Race, but also from 45 years of marriage.
“I grow weary of my time on this show.”
White Daddy Issues arrive at the next clue, task thing. So this isn’t a roadblock or a detour, it’s just a thing to do, like the yak thing. They have to write a wish on paper and put it in their zodiac animal’s slot on a giant mailbox. Weird. Would China not let them do anything meaty? This episode is just filler. HOW DARE YOU CBS!!
Okay, now we’re getting to the real deal. The Detour! Phil says that they have to learn to control one of two things. Hammer or Horn. Either way it has to do with “happy endings.” Hammer is pounding candy. And Horn is leading dancers to a palace whilst carrying a giant horn.
Someone’s got to tell Christina that if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to call your “Daddy,” DAD. There’s something super gross about a grown woman screaming Daddy constantly, to her actual Daddy.
I hope when the teams arrive at the pit stop, Phil reads their wishes out loud in a condescending manner. And makes them think about what they’ve written in the corner before they check in.
The Chinese boy guarding the clues at the mailbox slot knows all of their signs somehow. The Globetrotters do not know their sign.
“You are the sign of the asshole.”
Zev JUST realized that he had two goats instead of one goat and one horse. Aw man, it’s gonna get tricky when he starts having sex.
Meanwhile on the spin off show: Asian Daddy vs. Asian Daughter, Ron wants his yogurt. Christina says, “NO!” So he stops to get fish at a food cart. She says he can’t have a snack until after the task. He’s like the dick Asian Chevy Chase. Well, the Asian Chevy Chase, the “dick” is implied when it comes to Chevy Chase.
White Daddy Issues, Brokeback, ASL, Peepants, are all hammering away at their candy. Ron & Christina arrive with enough time for Ron to start eating the candy. Maybe he has an eating disorder.
Redheads get to horn and “can’t keep it extended” and leave. That’s what she said. Literally. I bet she’s never said that before, this race really must be wearing on them.
Back at the charmed life. Vyxsin is having a mental breakdown. She’s hanging off of the railing staring at the ground and losing her mind and soul. But it is very possible that she already sold her soul to Satan. I’d sell my soul for a nice Ford Focus. A nice refreshing Ford Focus! With Vectoring Control!
Ummm…..what the heck is this guy’s deal?
Seriously, can this guy not afford a toothbrush? Or a bathroom mirror? Or a bathroom sink? Or a room? Doesn’t he make enough money being the Asian Daniel Radcliffe? “Stop chewing on your wand, ‘Arry!”
What are the editors trying to say?
After the commercial it turns out that Vyxsin might be almost done. Cut to a Chinese border collie trying to take a nap but there’s too much damn hammerin’!! Ron is pigging out on the candy. I think he gained 10lbs this episode alone! Who GAINS weight on the Amazing Race?
“DADDY STOP EATING THE DETOUR!!!”
ASL, Brokeback and White Daddy Issues all get their clue about the same time. Now they have to go to the eternal tower for their pitstop. WHAT!? That was the lamest episode EVER! There wasn’t one hard task at all! No one struggled with ANYTHING besides their own mental illnesses.
That is a cute dog!!
Berry, can I keep him!?!!
Ron’s still eating candy. Christina is so put out with him and so are we! And apparently the only word they know in Chinese is, “Shu-sha.” Maybe it’s not Chinese at all, maybe they’re just really big fans of Brazilian children’s television host, Xuxa.
Montage to the end:
-Flight Time and Big Easy are carrying the horn around and blasting little girl’s faces.
-Zev said gracias to the Chinese boy.
-Vyxsin JUST got the charms and away they go.
-Foot race to the pitstop between White Daddy Issues, ASL & Brokeback.
“Daddy, I’m goin’ into the light y’all!!”
1st place: ASL. They are going to Aruba, they get a jeep ride and a massage. How romantic? But the catch…THEY ARE STILL RACING!! NOT A PITSTOP!!! Hahahaah!! Margie is pissed, “You don’t want to know what I want to say right now!” You’re right Margie, I never want to know what you want to say.
Next in is Brokeback, White Daddy, Asian Daddy (he goes CRAZY-BONKERS-HAPPY at 4th place, too much sugar), Peepants, Trotters, Redheads.
Uh oh, Team Edward lost their fanny pack in the gondola. Lost fanny pack? I’m lookin’ at you Globetrotters! Maybe they should change their names to Big Thiefy and Fanny Pack Stealin’ Time.
And just to add insult to injury………TO BE CONTINUED!!! HOW DARE YOU CBS!!!!
What a shitty episode. Better go for a ride in my FORD FOCUS to wash that bad taste away. My imaginary Ford Focus that I drive around my mind that has a sun roof. You hear that Ford? I want a sun roof.
Next week on AR: Team Edward is F%^$%^ed!!! Plus there’s a U-Turn and Margie and Luke get there first. Aw sh*t.