Amazing Race: I Don’t Wanna Go To Ghana

This week on The Amazing Race, the teams travel to Africa and mix with the locals as they sell sunglasses, install TV antennas, and have their crotches nearly grabbed.

And learn dance steps/thieving tips.

We kick off this leg with Jill and Thomas learning that they will be flying to Accra, Ghana, and finding a memorial park.  Jill tells us that she’s still determined to prove that she can contribute something to their team, and maintains hope that they will have to demonstrate a proper blunt cut while in Africa.  Team Hot Docs heads out next, followed by Team Gleek, which — what else? — decides to sit around and wait for other teams, specifically Teams HSN and VolleyBarbie.  The think tank of these six struggles to figure out what they do after they rip open their clue, so Brook accosts a passing local on a tractor for directions and thanks him with a big wet one.  She tells us she plans on kissing as many locals as needed on the race.  Let the Brook oral herpes watch begin.

“Now, if you see something on my lip Claire, don’t you be trying to eat it off me, thinking it’s a spare morsel of food.”

Team Kentucky is off next, and Mallory giggles and coos at the thought of holding little African babies.  “OMG, y’all, it’s so tiny!  It’s like a third of the weight of an American baby!  HOW CUUUUUUTE!”  So annoying.   Kevin of Team YouTube tells us that he’s not too thrilled to have his slow-ass dad as a teammate, leaving it unspoken that the only reason he was cast on the show was because of their father-son YouTube stuff.  You need Mr. Miyagi, so shut your trap.  Mad Chad and Stephanie take off without any mooby comments, but we’re subjected to boring adoption talk from Team It’s Called a Condom, Andie.  Bringing up the rear is Team Tats, about an hour and a half behind the first team. Turns out it doesn’t matter though, as this is an Equalizer Flight, meaning there’s only one flight and everyone makes it on board.

“Why does that sign behind us say England?  We’re in the country of London.  Duh.”

Upon arriving in Accra, there’s a mad dash for the taxis and Teams Tats and HSN marvel at the people and the culture.  Mad Chad just marvels at the trash and guys wandering in the street.  Damn, this guy is getting a bad edit.  It’s like the entire editing team is joining us in screaming “Don’t marry him, Stephanie!”  The cabs take them into a rougher part of the city, and Team Gleek’s car is invaded by a disembodied arm, groping around their laps and begging for money.  Okay, this would freak me the hell out, but Team Gleek handles it fairly well.  Not well enough for me to ignore their singing, though.  Harmonize with me, people.  Pleeeeeease shut uuuuup!

Jonathan panics at the possibility of someone actually touching his penis.

Mallory looks upset that her teacup African babies have grown up to become beggars, and Andie tries to prove to Jenna that she really IS a good mother by actually giving some money to one of the beggars.  But all it does is remind Jenna of how good Andie is at giving things away.  The teams all arrive at the memorial park without further incident, and are instructed by Route Info to make their way to Makola Market.  It’s a gigantic, congested and fairly dirty looking public market, and Team Tats arrives first, not having run into a battlement, boat, or any similarly confusing item yet.  However, almost every single team is right on their tails.  The clue is a Road Block, and one team member must sell 15 cedi worth of sunglasses, and each individual pair cannot be sold for less than 3 cedi.

The teams begin selling the sunglasses, with Brook squawking at the men and rewarding shoppers with a big hug and kiss from the crazy white lady, and Mad Chad telling us that he will use his sex appeal to help sell to the ladies.  In the interview, Stephanie looks as incredulous as I feel when he says that.  If I bought something from him, it’d be because I didn’t want to get punched in the tit, not because I found him sexy.  Mr. Miyagi surprises me by selling a pair before several of the other younger, faster and more attractive contestants, and we see that Team Kentucky’s cab has possibly broken down and that they are now the only team not at the market.  Mallory makes the sign of the cross as she prays for the car to work, giving us the first GOD DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT moment of the season.

Pretty sure he’s too busy with those adorrrrrable starving infants you so admired, dear.

After the commercial, Team Kentucky switches to a new cab, and everyone but shameless Brook continues to struggle to sell the sunglasses.  Mad Chad manages to collect 2 cedi from a girl, but she refuses to give him the third cedi he needs to make the sale.  Instead of returning the 2, he pockets it in hopes that she eventually pays up.  Shady is right.  Jill, meanwhile, is getting screamed at by Thomas, who tells us he feels really angry superior condescending helpless as he watches her perform the Road Block.  Jill builds up a rapport with one lady, but the lady then begins swaying around and flailing like she’s the female, black, obese version of The Hoff.  Jill watches these antics in confusion for a while, until the friend eventually admits that they don’t have any money.  Jill tells her that her roots are showing, and leaves in a huff.

Team Kentucky arrives just as Brook whores herself to her last customer and completes the Road Block.  Instructions say to go to a motor parts store for their next clue.  In the market, Connor of Team Gleek convinces a dude to pay him 10 cedi for one pair, which is a huge lucky break.  He must have threatened to sing to the guy.  I would gladly pay up in that case.  Connor then quickly sells another two pairs at 3 each, and completes the Road Block.  Also completing at this time is Mr. Miyagi, and no one is more surprised than Kevin, who has now made “my dad is slow and I fully expect him to suck” comments repeatedly in front of his father.  Yes, sure, we’re all thinking that but he’s being a bit of a brat to keep saying it.  Careful, YouTube boy, before you wind up on my list.

And I mean my Shit List, not my Boring, Bland or Tiny Head lists, because it’s already too late for that.

Mad Chad finally berates the last cedi from that girl, who will likely go home and starve to death now that he’s badgered her into turning over her last cedi for a pair of shades, and his team and the VolleyBarbies complete the Road Block.  Team HSN then arrives at the motor parts store, to get the clue for the Detour.  The first choice is Tune In, in which teams pick up a TV antenna system from a store, find a marked house, and install and adjust the system until the TV picture comes in clear.  The alternative is Check Out, where teams pick up a decorative coffin and have to deliver it via dolly platform to a showroom across town.  HSN picks Tune In, and picks up the system from the store without a problem.

Ew, my cat just sneezed on me.  That was rude, Marshall.  Anyway, the HSN girls find a house deliver the antenna to, and Brook begins installing it on the roof as Claire gets distracted by a girl stirring mashed potatoes in the alley, musing out loud that those potatoes sure look good.  HAHA, sometimes this shit just writes itself.  Mad Chad and Stephanie arrive next, and they also choose Tune In, while the VolleyBarbies pick Check Out and Team YouTube pick Tune In once they locate the cluebox.

“TOLD YOU it was a fat girl’s name!”

Back in the market, the straggling teams are finishing up and it’s down to Nick of Team Tats — who encounters another crazy dancing lady who might have stolen a pair from him — and Kat of Hot Docs, who appears to be too timid to make a sale.  That’s what I look for in a doctor, don’t you?  “I don’t know if I can biopsy that — it’s a scary tumor!”  Nick finally sells his last pair, and thanks to the magic commercial break, Kat sells her last pair right after that.

Back at the Detour, Brook gets her antenna installed and adjusted acceptably, earning her team their next clue.  Claire wipes the potatoes from her face, and they head for the Pit Stop at the Kaneshie Market.  The VolleyBarbies and Team YouTube finish their detours quickly thereafter, and Kevin gives his dad yet another backhanded compliment when he tells us that he is “starting” to value his dad as a teammate.  Congrats, you’re on the list now dude.

Team Adoption tries to charm us with more adoption chatter, and Team Kentucky tells us that it’s trusting its cab driver to get them to the right place.  That’s code for They’re About to be Fucked.  Mad Chad and Stephanie finish their Detour and head for the Pit Stop as Thomas announces that he thinks Jill is just mentally capable enough of hauling a coffin around, so they’ll be doing Check Out.  As for Tune In, well, a Notre Dame degree would be required for something of that complexity.

I don’t know about you guys, but the first thing I think of when I look at these girls is muffin top intelligence.

Teams HSN and VolleyBarbie arrive at the Pit Stop and the Phil Search is on, which involves knocking over locals and screaming “EXCUSE ME!” shrilly and repeatedly.  Team HSN makes it to the mat first, winning a 10 day trip for two to Hawaii.  That sounds awesome to me, but I imagine the last thing these people want to do after the race is travel more.  The idea of getting on an airplane probably has them curling into the fetal position as if they’re Jonathan and someone asked to touch his weiner.

The VolleyBarbies check in in second place, and we meet back up with Team Gleek, which has successfully installed the antenna and is now just trying to get decent reception.  However, after only a few moments of violently adjusting the antenna, which shockingly does not allow them to finesse a clear reception, they decide to give up and switch to Check Out.  God, these guys are the WORST players of this game.  It’s not that they’re weak (they are) and socially inept (yup), it’s that they have terrible strategy.  It’s embarrassing, really.  Also embarrassing — nearly knocking out the window of a passing car with a giant fish coffin.

Team YouTube and Mad Chad/Stephanie check in for third and forth place respectively, and Jill and Thomas deliver their coffin and begin making their way to the Pit Stop as well.  Meanwhile, our lagging three teams are Hot Docs, Kentucky and Adoption.  They all arrive at the Detour, with Kentucky picking the antennas and the other two picking the coffins.  In the middle of the pack, Jill and Thomas check in as team five as Team Tats and Gleek finish their detours and goes to find Phil.

Pretty sure mine would be shaped like a giant screw-top bottle of Pinot Grigio.

As they make their way down the street with their coffin, Nat rams Kat into a sign on the sidewalk, perhaps taking subtle revenge for Kat taking forever on the sunglasses Road Block and landing them in last place.  According to the editing, each of the bottom three teams finishes its Detour at the same time, making this a race to the mat.  Yeah right.  My favorite is when they try to pull this trick on us and it’s clearly nighttime by the time the last team checks in.  It was thisclose, everyone!  Really!

Traffic is a goddamn nightmare, but the Hot Docs convince their driver to risk everyone’s life by driving illegally down the middle of the road, between the two-way traffic.  This bumps them up to sixth place, and gives the other cab drivers the same idea.  The cabs of the bottom five teams (Tats, Gleek, Hot Docs, Kentucky and Adoption) are now even and swerving suicidally through traffic, as their occupants alternate between cheering them to go faster and praying not to die.  Or in the Gleek’s case, also trying to ignore the smell that comes from soiling oneself.

At the market, Team Gleek checks in first of this group, for a sixth place finish, followed closely behind by the Hot Docs in seventh and Team Tats in eighth.  Teams Kentucky and Adoption are still in their cabs, both praying that they’re not in last place.  I will guess that Team Adoption will be last because earlier Andie told us how much she wants to stay in the race to the end.  Also, they kinda suck and are super boring, so I slightly prefer Mallory’s spazzing over them.

“I’m so excited!  Africa is now my favorite country!”

And surviving this week is… Team Kentucky, as predicted.  As Phil makes them sweat it out for a few moments before revealing that they’re safe, Mallory babbles that he needs to tell her what’s going on before she dies of a heart attack because it’s happened before.  What?  I knew she was Kentucky dumb, but I didn’t think she was that dumb.  Once Phil gives them the good news, Mallory loses her shit, screaming and hooting and hollering like she just shot herself some squirrel for dinner.

Uh, can I take back what I said about preferring her to Team Adoption?

Team Adoption makes its way to the mat and is eliminated.  Lots of crying ensues, and talk about how Andie is so glad that Jenna’s adoptive parents were able to to give her everything that she couldn’t.  Blah blah blah.  Let’s join Jenna’s birth parents in popping the cork off some champagne and celebrate these two getting off our TVs, shall we?

That’s episode two, everyone!  What did you think of it?  I thought it was a bit boring, myself.  Will you miss Team Adoption?  How much would you freak out if some man was groping in your car, begging for money?  And what would your specialty coffin look like?