Fran and Berry here. Finally back with Phil and the gang! When they skip a week it sure feels like a long time, especially for us. Since the last episode we got kicked out of our assisted living center and we’re crashing on Flipit’s couch. It’s all for the best. We HATED getting our mandatory butt wipes.
Do you guys ever watch the opening sequence? Everyone has the weirdest smiles.
“I need that million dollars for my shell-plasty!”
-White Daddy Issues (Gary & Mallory)
-Asian Daddy Issues (Ron & Christina)
-Fake Globetrotts (Zev & Justin)
-Team Peepants (Kisha & Jen)
Last week White Daddy Issues came in first, for their reward they got to enjoy Snapple in a weird dark hotel room where they were forced to show the Snapple label to the camera a ton. Yum curry tandori diet Snapple!
“This week teams must to go to the religious heart of India, Varanasi,” Phil says non-chalantly. “There they have to find a Tonga stand for their next clue.” Oh yeah, a Tonga stand, EVERYONE totally knows what that is. Heck, I go to my local Tonga stand every morning and say hi to the Tonga man. I call him Tongs. “Let me see that to-o-ong! That Tong ta-tong tong tong!”
Gary and Mallory are first to leave. They hop in their cab and say that they think they can be the first parent/child team to win the Amazing Race. Oh boy. You blew it editors! Now we know they win. Last season when Kat & Rat kept saying they were going to be the first all women team to win, they fufilled their prophecy. So Gary and Mallory will defineitely win, unless Jet and Cord start saying how they could be the first “sexually charged cowboy couple” to win the Amazing Race…..in Amazing Race history! …….(in bed.)
Beware phantom hitchhikers…..
India is too much for Zev. “Kolkata, more like Kol-crowded,” Zev jests. BOO!!! We might have been into that joke if it was delivered in futuristic silk pajamas, however this week Zev is just wearing a boring t-shirt.
Team Edward is off and running. Kent asks the taxi driver if “you can buy airline tickets at the airport?” How many legs have they done? Team Edward remembers their “moment of sadness” when they were eliminated in India. Vyxsin is very chipper this leg, also she had to have dyed her hair since last time, or she found an Indian neon wig shop.
At the airport, everyone seems to be getting on the King Fisher flight that arrives in Varanasi at 10:45 am. Except Brokeback! They get on the fiight that arrives at 11:45. They just asked for the first flight and didn’t ask if there was an earlier one. Cord says, “The way I was raised, when someone looks me straight in the eye and tells me something I’m gonna take their word for it. That’s how I know oceans don’t exist.”
Ron is hungry. He admits that he’s a happy camper when he’s got a full belly. So, Asian Daddy Issues stop for a meal. A sit down meal at a restaurant. Ron says something about how Christina’s getting married next year so he won’t be able to dine with her ever again.
“Don’t even get Daddy started on the emergency exit FAQ.”
Globetrotts are on the move. They are on the 10:45 flight. Brokeback is so screwed. White Daddy Issues are doing some online research on Varanasi, perhaps they will be prepared for a task to come? Or perhaps that moment was sponsored by Bing.
Brokeback realizes that they are in last place. They know they are screwed and remember the last time they raced when they got screwed. They can fight back! “Saddle up partner! “
Flashback Phil is so dreamy!
Later in Varanasi, teams frantically get in cabs. Kent slammed his head into the trunk door. He’s surprised that he’s not bleeding, because he could really go for some blood right now. It’s hard to get your full on devil worshipin’ rituals on during the pitstop. The cabs take off and it’s the Indian Italian Job.
Fake Trotters, Zev & Justin have to stop for gas. As the cabs race by, we take in the local sights of Varanasi, like a muddy pig and an elephant. Is it just Berry’s sleep screams, or does Jen looks like a black Kiera Knightly? The taxi race is still going on. Globetrotters are pulling ahead. Mallory is surprisingly low energy during this race.
ROADBLOCK! Who is ready to search for the meaning of life? Holy men who have given their lives over to prayer and meditation, will now throw it all away to hand out a clue on the Amazing Race. Teams will have to find 6 sadhus who will each hand them a word or phrase. Then they must assemble the word scramble which is the meaning of life, and give it to the final sadhu to recieve their next clue. Wow, Amazing Race is getting pretty bold if you have to figure out the meaning of life for a roadblock?! What’s the detour? Reincarnate into a mighty tiger?
“The meaning of life? Lookin’ this fly all the time.”
Who is ready to search for the meaning of life? Someone who’s afraid to find out the truth, that oceans DO exist! Kent finds the final sadhu first, so he knows where to go at the end. Jen & Big Easy work together for a minute. So, 10 seconds on screen. Ron is ready to take on this task. He wanders the streets and demands, “WHERE ARE THESE HOLY MEN!?” Justin thinks highly of the sadhus, “they look like annorexic Santa Clause.” Wait, BOTH members of the Fake Trotters are sassy!?! We DO have some unfinished business!
Gary and Kent are sorta working together. Kent said that after they find all the clues he’ll take Gary to the final sadhu. He even goes out of his way to say, “I promise you.” And, “I’m not gonna screw you.” Brokeback is comin’ round the mountain when they come! They approach the Tonga stand and figure they gotta bust ass to catch up.
Kent: “Gary will you be my dad?” Well, more like, “When in doubt follow Gary!” Kent is literally following Gary around like a lost transvestite puppy. Zev has a moment where the traffic is too loud for him, oh yeah, we remember how exciting this was supposed to be from the sneak peak! Mallory gave Zev her ear plugs and he took some deep breaths and everything was okay. REALLY!?! I was promised that Zev would reach his breaking point!!!! LAME AMAZING RACE!! I wanted to see him go all crazy and riot or something. Or at least try and punch out a truck or something. Lame.
Jen got the meaning of life! “Once you’re over the hill, you pick up speed.” That’s what happened to Berry. After he hit forty he got into amphetamines really hard. Jen & Kisha are in first place. Now they must head to the river-side wrestle pit for their next clue.
“Check out my giant ball. No, up here!”
Real and Fake Trotts are on their way to the wrestle-pit. Brokeback is on the hunt for the meaning of life. Vyxsin is nervous. Cowboys make her shake in her oversized Doc Marten boots. But I guess she has a reason to fear because Cord is moving pretty quickly.
“Don’t you guys just love a good meal in your stomachs?”
Kent and Gary get the final word and Kent bolts! He says he didn’t feel bad about leaving Gary in the dust like a used voo-doo doll because at that point “their co-dependency was over.” Damn Kent! You are getting pretty down and dirty. In a nasty way. A bad nasty way. Mallory asks Kent where her dad is because she knew they were working together and Kent lies to her! He says that Gary is right behind him. What a little weasel! Peepants’ taxi hits a cow’s butt.
DETOUR! Feed the Fire or Feed the Buffalo! In feed the fire they have to mash up buffalo poop and seal a wall, then make a fire to heat up milk for kids. In Feed the Buffalo they have to get on a boat, go pick up hay, then deliver the hay. So as usual it comes down to navigation vs. labor. Globe & Fake Trotters pick navigation. They go get their hay no prob. Peepants picks Feed the Fire, which they’ve dubbed, “Feed the Children!” Well, they are our future, right Berry? Ah hell, he’s sleeping. Drooling all over Flipit’s couch.
Cord is done already. Damn! He blew Ron out of the water! Speaking of which, where is Ron? He’s still wandering calling out for holy men. He thought maybe they want to go for a refreshing swim so they might have taken their garb off. Ron, you weird!
Peepants are having a really hard time with making the cow pies. They are dry heaving, much to the delight of the local children who are laughing their asses off at them. White Daddy Issues take a water taxi to the wrestle pit. Gary points out that a cremation that is taking place. It really affects Mallory. She has a moment where she considers how this place is so different and so holy. As she does this we see a crowd shot where a man stands nude and his junk is blurred out. Really makes you think.
Whoa, check out Zev’s bush!
Ron FINALLY gets to move on. He runs back to Christina moaning. Maybe he’s practicing for when he’s a ghost. Globe and Fake Trotts navigate the Indian alleys together and sing their work song, “Running with hay, in the middle of India.” Zev tries to sing along but he probably lacks rhythm or soul or something.
Peepants lose their cool. They start to get catty and fighty. All over the size of a poop sandwich. Globe and Fake Trotts delivered their hay and they’re off to see Phil!
Brokeback gets going to Feed the Buffalo. They think it’s so funny that they came all around the world to bail hay. You have to admit, that is pretty funny! It’s like if last season Kat & Rat had to anesthetize someone for a detour. Now that would have been entertainment! When is their spin off show coming on? I want to watch them do their doctor thang!
Team Edward is like, “Poop please!” They do the Feed the Fire. Followed closely by White Daddy Issues. Mallory feels blessed that this is the second cow manure related task she’s had to do on the Amazing Race. The first being from the previous season she was on, in Russia.
Globetrotts come in first!! They won a trip to Hawaii. Where they can go down a water slide over and over and over again. Big Easy still has that Ganesha paint on his head. Oh no, it’s bandaids. Aw, he still has a soft spot. Fake Trotts are hot on their tail, in 2nd.
“Oh thank God we didn’t win Snapple!”
Team Edward & White Daddy Issues complete their poop patties and they are heading towards Phil. Team Edward tries to take a water taxi, who is too slow for them. Vyx flips out and jumps in the water. Kent, “Don’t go in the water! Are you INSANE?! You know it will melt you!!”
WWSMD (What would Stephenie Meyer do?)
And the pitstop results are: Peepants is in 3rd, White Daddy Issues 4th, Brokeback 5th. Now race to the stay in the race! Starring: Asian Daddy Issues and Team Edward. Never thought we’d be rooting for Ron & Christina. Never, never, never in a million years would we think that we’d want Ron & Christina to stay on this show for one more week. That’s how much Team Edward is pissing us off.
“I’m gonna jump! Nobody try and stop me.”
Asian Daddy Issues take a water taxi (that they don’t feel the need to jump out of) and they are hoping that the water taxi is the fastest way to get there. Meanwhile, Team Edward flags down a cab and throws out the passenger and forces the cab to take them to the sweet scent of Brute, aka Phil! Team Edward checks in first so Asian Daddy is out. They take it well. Ron was glad that he got to spend this time with his daughter before she got married and will never see her again ever. He says that they will enjoy a lot of good memories. Mainly food memories. Pork buns, sesame seed candy, fried fish, indian food, Snapple, it’s been a good run Ron!
“Okay, bu-bye now…”
Next week on The Amazing Race: Team Edward keeps being dicks! Great. We can’t wait. xo Franberry!