Amazing Race: Say Cheese!

Final 6! For reals people! And they are:
Globetrotters (Flight Time & Big Easy)
Fake Trotters (Zev & Justin)
Daddy Issues (formerly “white daddy issues”) (Gary & Mal-Mal)
Team Edward (Kent & Vyxsin)
Team Peepants (Kisha & Jen)
Team Brokeback (Jet & Cord)

We’re reading the DirecTv description and we see that there is a W-Turn in this episode. Berry just screamed out, “Oh no! A W-Turn?! People f*ckin’ sh*t themselves over those for some reason.” He’s so insightful. We also see in the description that “a team has a hard time consuming a Swiss delicacy.” So they’re either gonna have to eat chocolate or watches. Let’s see shall we?!?!

We begin this week in…..Austria. (You so crazy, Austria!) Salzburg, Austria to be precise. You might remeber Salzburg from such films as The Sound of Music, and that’s it.

Fake Trotters (or should we say brand new Ford Focus Owners) leave first. They have to get their asses to Liechtenstein. Phil says that the entire country is only 1/5th of the size of New York City. What a weird comparison. Couldn’t they just say it’s the size of Brooklyn? Or Berry’s mom’s ass? Hahaha! Sorry Berry, but you gotta admit, your mom’s ass is huge! Fake Trotts suspect that Lichtenstein isn’t a real country. Zev says that he has to start carrying his weight on their team, or at least that’s what Justin whispers in his ear at night.

They just found out that they have to pay for their Focus’s to be shipped back to the USA.

Trotts leave second. They brag about how they share information, good thing they are not spies. Big Easy is still sporting his head band-aid. Team Edward takes off next. Ugh, Kent should go mute for the rest of the race. His wining is not going over well in this household this week. He calls out that they’ve been behaving like bratty little kids. They resolve to be more positive this leg. We’ll see.

“We painted on our happy faces!”

Team Peepants is next to leave. They are not so happy to hear about the W-Turn. Kisha says that she’d run just as hard if she was 100% healthy. Did we miss the part where she said she has cancer or something? Because if she does have some illness they should be playing is up way more. Brokeback leaves next. They like to think of themselves as outcasts. They say they have to pick up their pace if they don’t want to get U-Turned. And even though they didn’t say it, I’m assuming they don’t want to get U-Turned. Daddy Issues is last to take off. Mal-Mal is probably thinking this is their last leg and she’s gonna go out with a bang because she’s got her best Miss Piggy curled hair and makeup going on.

Mallory thinks the “speed bump” will be some sort of sex act with the cab driver.

On the train, Peepants is insinuating that they have a special relationship with the Globetrotters. But the Trotts don’t seem to be reciprocating. Actually, they seemed kinda put out with them. Mal-Mal’s prom makeup/hair-do didn’t stay very fresh on that overnight train. She says that she and her dad stayed up all night to watch the scenery because it’s so beautiful.  Romantic?

When the train arrives teams haul ass to taxis. Brokeback is away first! The first Brokeback is away! Daddy Issues gets in a cab right away but they can’t communicate with the driver, or the driver doesn’t know how to get there or something. Fake Trotts’ cab flew and they get there first.

ROADBLOCK!

“I’ve never felt so alive! And I’ve fought a shark!”

Teams need to measure the entire length of Liechtenstein by motor-biking across the country. That sounds easy and lazy enough for me and Berry to do. NOT! Zev immediately tries to pawn the task off on Justin. Good pulling your weight, Zev! They have to ride their motorized bikes 22 kilometers to six time olympic ski racer, Marco Buchel. Good to see Marco Buchel is cashing in on some of that Ford Focus cash. If they don’t measure 22 km correctly, they have to go all the way back and do it again. All the contestants get on their bikes and do some sort of joke about it. None of them are good so we’ll spare you.

The last thing E.T. ever saw.

SPEED BUMP! Gary & Mal have to complete a Speed Bump as their reward for staying in the race when they should have been Philiminated. They have to do some basic math to figure out how to fuel their scooter bike. Jet and Flight Time (sounds like they should have been partners) go the wrong way. Then Jen drops her map. Gary figured out the math and is on his way! Now we’re racin’ with gas! Gary says he’ll do it and Mal says, “yeah, you’re good at motorcycles dad!” The map doesn’t make sense to Vyxsin, surprise surprise. Justin lets Jen see his map. They get to Marco, and get it right. Marco is really playing this thing up. He must be related to Phil. “I’m sorry to tell you…..I’ve eaten the last of the pot roast.” Jet and Gary seem to be working together for a minute, then Jet bolts. Gary crosses paths with Vyxsin, they team up for a minute. Jet gets to Marco and he has the wrong number so he’s gotta go all the way back to the beginning! Shucks for him.

The other team members are being held prisoner at Gutenberg Castle. (Hey, it’s either Steve Gutenburg or the Bible. And we’re going with Steve.)

This is the castle that Police Academy built!

Justin rescues Zev and Jen rescues Kisha. Now they must travel by bus and train to Zermatt, Switzerland. They have to search the train station for their next clue. Flight Time swings by the Gutenberg Castle to get the correct answer from the peeps who passed. Flight Time quickly tells Gary. They check in with Marco, followed closely by Vyxsin. Meanwhile, Jet is on the other side of the country talking about strategy.

Easy Rider II: Fist Bump Forever

Fake Trotts and Peepants sit together on the first train to Switzerland. Trotts, Daddy Issues, and Team Edward get on the second train. Cord is the last one waiting, he says he’s “a lone ranger. ” Just how he likes it. Gives him more time to fantasize about Tonto. Jet gets it and they’re headed to the third train.

DETOUR Cheese vs. Wheeze

Eat a sh*tload of fondue. Or deliver a sh*tload of luggage to hotels.

“In this detour teams must choose between complimenting me on my unique cookware, or my fancy sweater.”

Peepants and Fake Trotts are like, “isn’t this what we did the last leg?” It is. And last week they thought they could do the eating one, but couldn’t. This week is the same! They both head to the cheese station. Peepants gives up pretty quick and they go to deliver luggage. Jen looks adorable in the bellboy cap, which cannot stay on her head for some hilarious reason.

Zev is getting drunk off of the cheese. And he’s burping a lot. Burping and moaning. There is curdling involved too. Romantic? Globetrotts, Daddy Issues and Team Edward arrive on the scene. They all immediately choose to be bellboys. Oh my god, Team Edward is hauling. Kent is already crying about his backpack or something. He looks like a gay nazi.

Zev & Justin are the only ones eating. I guess it would be hard to scarf rich fondue while there is traditional Swiss music blaring. But they are eating a lot of bread, can’t they just eat the cheese part? There is a puke scare. Oh wait, no it’s not a scare! Justin over-dramatically pukes over a railing. Zev stares into the camera like he’s in a horror movie and we just found out that he’s the devil. They both look pretty rough, like Morgan Spurlock at the end of Supersize Me.

The breathtaking sights of Switzerland……

The other teams are hustling and bustling. Daddy Issues can’t even load all of their bags. If they were a computer the multicolored pinwheel would be-a-spinnin’!

Cowboys are in the picture. They’re gonna deliver some luggage pardner! Screamin’ and yippin’ and yappin’ running through the streets of Switzerland. Americans sure know how to party don’t they? Yes, they do.

It took them 51 minutes of bitching and a few minutes of eating, but Fake Trotts did it. They ate a whole fondue pot of bubbly cheese. Zev is very proud of himself because he really stepped up and pushed his teammate to get through eating cheese. “Today was my turn to be the leader. ” Good job, Zev! Now they are on their way to the W-Turn located at the fountain at Inderbinen Brunnen. Oh here we go! W-Turn DRAMA BEGINS! Peepants are on their way there too!

Fake Trotts find the fountain and Zev is so distracted by the goats they decide to not U-Turn anyone. Except Zev really wants to U-turn the goats. Can’t tell if he’s joking or not. Peepants doesn’t U-Turn anyone either. They are both on their way to Phil by electric car.

“Zev, look deep into my eyes……give me your ford focus…..”

Kent screams at Vyxsin. It’s like the worst kind of nails scratching the worst kind of chalkboard in hell. Ahhh!! We’re gonna have to start muting the tv when they show Team Edward.

The best part of running the race is knowing that you’re about to see Phil. I know first hand (job). Fake Trotters hit the mat first. They win a trip for two to the Caribbean to swim with dolphins. It’s their 4th time getting 1st place. Peepants are second. The remaining teams are hustling around delivering luggage.

“We want to be the first half-human half-snork team to win the Amazing Race.”

Kent is bitching that he can’t run anymore. So Vyx is pulls him around like a crippled dog in their luggage cart. It’s true, if Kent was a dog, he’d be the kind with one of those janky wheelchair back legs. They finish next. They are heading to the W-Turn and they’re bummed because they already used up their U-Turn on the sexy redheads. Daddy Issues finishes.

A picture can say WAY TOO MANY words.

Globetrotters finish but Flight Time lost 2 luggage tags! “You’ve gotta be kidding me!” No Flight Time!!! Now they have to deliver two more! Team Edward gets to the W-Turn, Kent is also taken with the beautiful goats. Vyx is surprised that no one has been U-Turned. They are Team 3.

And now my Amazing Race erotica fan fiction: Gary and Mallory approach the mat. The sight of Mallory makes him yearn, “You just make me laugh.” Mallory opens her mouth wide, “You make me laugh too.” His eyes twitch with anticipation. He whispers, “I don’t know what it is, but if your father wasn’t standing beside you I’d take you into my shark tooth necklace boosom and make you mine.” He clears his throat, “Gary and Mallory, you are team number 4, congratulations!”

“Where’s the cheese at? I’m hungry!”

Brokeback and Globetrotts are both done with their deliveries. Foot race to the end! Globetrotts inch ahead and U-Turn Brokeback. Wha-oh Texas is gonna be PISSED!!!!! But in the words of Donald Trump “that’s fair, isn’t it?” I think they needed to U-Turn them for their own survival. I would have had a problem with it if they had made a no-u-turn pact earlier in the episode.

Brokeback sees that they were U-Turned and they are p.o.’d but they keep their cool. They head off to the cheese. Cue the accordian blasting. Brokeback finished eating the cheese and Phil told them the bad news. They’re out.

“No, I don’t think things will change between us………………in bed.”

Cord made all the AR producers weep, “They hit the nail on the head when they called this race AMAZING.” Jet says that there’s no one else he’d rather travel around the country with, uh, which country? Have you not heard any of the times Phil’s said, “Race around the WORLD?” Well, it was a good run Brokeback! Hope you finished some business. The credits roll to the theme from City Slickers.

Next week on the Amazing Race teams brave the cold. More screaming from Kent, but this week it’s filmed Blair Witch Project style. Plus it looks like Big Easy tries to fight Kent! Can’t wait to see how that plays out! ‘Til then! xoxofranberry