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Welcome back. Fran and Berry here, we’ve got our snuggies snuggled and our cookies crumbed in our laps. Welcome to the second windiest place on Earth, Berry’s Butthole. I mean, Palm Springs. It’s The Amazing Race: The Loser’s Edition. Some of our favorite teams get another chance to win a million dollars. Well, “favorite” might be a relative term, but it’s still an honor. Few people can say that they’ve sucked bad enough to lose the Amazing Race twice! And here come the buggies!
The pairs meet Phil in the desert and we are reintroduced to everyone.
“Amaaaaazi-i-ing Race how sweet the sound, that saved a host like meeeeee!”
First up, the cowboys. The BFF Brokeback Brothers. Second up…Oh great, that deaf kid and his crazy mother. Team ASL. This team proves you can be deaf and still incredibly annoying. Next are Amanda and Kris, recently engaged. A couple defined by having been U-turned. Wow, can’t wait for my memory to be jogged by how annoying they probably are. And The Globetrotters!!!!!!!! Yay!! Thank God they are back. And thank God the Washington Generals aren’t racing against them!
“Get it? The Aristocrats!!”
Then it’s Mike White and his dad, Dad White. Full disclosure the Fran and Berry household are big fans of Mike White (not so much his dad). Dad White has aged a lot since the last race. He’s 70 now and looking every second of it, and they quit the race last time because he was too old. He knows he doesn’t age backwards right? Uh-oh, we smell a new Mike White movie! The Curious Case of my Old Dad in Asia.
Born to be moderately wild.
Next is the Goth Duo, Kent and Vyxsin, who will hereby be known as Team Edward. Team Edward says they are looking for Redemption. We assume that’s a tattoo parlor in Barcelona. Then we welcome back Gary and Mallory. Dad and daughter from last season. So many blasts from the pasts, we’re getting winded. Get it?? It’s a windy palms Springs joke. I bet Phil would laugh and laugh and laugh about that one. Moving on, we have Kisha and Jen, the BFF team that was eliminated because they had to pee. Hopefully they got colostomy bags put in. Anything to win the Amazing Race!
Then we have Zev and Justin, best friends who lost their passport. I think, from last time, one of them is autistic or something. They are also wearing Harlem Globetrotter shirts, hmm? Trotter envy? Or are they trying to confuse the competition? I bet they get confused with real Globetrotters all the time. Up next, Ron and Christina, father and daughter, apparently Christina has a lot more racing to do to prove to her dad that she’s worthy of him. And the red headed twinsies who are…well, just another set of friends I guess. Oh, and cheerleaders? If you say so, Phil. These are really our favorite teams? Was there a vote that we were not informed of? These teams are already pretty weak, they can’t even muster up the strength to “woooo” properly when Phil asks the rhetorical, “Are you ready to race around the world…again?!” By the way, does it sound rude if we say when the mom from Team ASL is translating she kinda looks like she’s trying to solve an imaginary Rubix cube. Because she does, good luck mom!
“Oh my God, it’s Liza Minnelli!”
The teams get “Philled in” about the Express Pass. The person who wins the first leg will get the pass and be able to skip one challenge anywhere on the race. (Express Pass sponsored by Hall Pass, the movie. Hall Pass, see it in theaters!) Phil tries to freak them out by telling the teams this race is very different from the other one they lost. They will be chased by ravenous tigers the entire way!! No, not really. The difference is that Phil has the 1st clue and you have to get it out of his hand by finding a special Phil treat buried in the desert. Craziness, huh? Barry can barely contain himself….from getting up and going to the fridge. The first bunch of teams that give Phil what he wants get on one plane, the 2nd group of teams get a ticket on the next plane that leaves 90 min later. And the last team gets U-Turned right out the gates. Damn, Amazing Race isn’t going easy on these losers! Phil keeps saying, “go into the desert and bring me what I want.” It’s starting to sound sexual, “bring me what I want!!!” No means no Phil!
Apparently, it’s not some perverted sexual act that Phil wants, it’s a paper airplane with the word Qantas on it. Although oddly enough, I think that’s also Phil’s safe-word with Mrs. Phil. The teams run off looking for “Queensland and Northern Territory Carriers,” AKA Qantas. Phil looks pissed standing out in the wind, throwing the incorrect planes on the ground. It sorta looks like they couldn’t hire an extra person to give away the clue, so Phil had to take on extra responsibilities.
The Cowboys, Fake Trotters, The Whites, Ron & Christina, Team Edward, The Globetrotters, The Redheads, Team ASL, are on the first plane. The stupid teams are on flight 2. They all hop into their Ford Focus’ (Amazing Race, sponsored by Ford Focus, among shitloads of other companies. We’re amazed this show even has to have commercial breaks at all anymore) and drive from Palm Springs to LAX., which is a two hour and four minute drive. I Google Mapped it. Thank God for editing!! (This joke brought to you by Google Maps! Now where’s our money?!)
Ron and Chistina think they are the shit and that they are going to be the first parent/child team to win the race. Blah blah blah, breaking familial barriers? Now that a two woman team has won the race they are really stretching to find that next “first.”
Amanda and Kris (Kris? for a boy?) are U-Turned. Again. Back to their old tricks. We’re calling it now, they’re done. The teams are all tucked in on their airplanes and everything is going smoothly, for about two seconds. Flight number one has to make an emergency landing in Hawaii because there was a man having a heart attack.
Affirmations by Mike White.
The Fake Trotters were bummed because now they’re going to arrive after the 2nd plane. The Real Trotters were just happy the man who had the heart attack was okay. Wow, they made it pretty clear who the good Trotters and who the bad Trotters are. Good luck with that Team Evil Bizarro White Trotters!
“Welcome to Sydney, Australia,” says a creepy old grandpa from the olden days.
“We’re a country of criminals!”
The teams are now headed to Ocean World in Manly. That’s Phil’s birthplace, Manly. Can’t you smell it on him? The suck teams find out that the good teams are delayed so they are really stoked. Although, Team PeePants doesn’t believe Team Caucasian Daddy Daughter that it’s true at first. Until Team Caucasian Daddy Daughter remind them that people from Kentucky don’t lie. WHAT?! The first teams all get on the fairy that will take them to Ocean World. The 2nd (1st) plane has landed, now Brokeback Brothers, Team White and Team Asian Daddy Daughter are in the rear. DRAMA!!!
The first team finds the cluebox. “Who’s ready to get tanked?” Are people going to have to drink Foster’s until they die? Nope, they have to sleep on a sting ray and then read a boat, or something like that. It’s hard to pay attention with all this snuggling going on. Go Team Fran and Berry! If we were on this season Berry would have to do the SCUBA diving, I’m scared of sharks. And socks that have toes on them. More toe socks than sharks though. Thank God sharks don’t have toes.
“I found Nemo y’all!”
Gary is pretty excited that his daughter is hanging out with Sharks. Kisha and Amanda are also in the tank. Damn, those girls are braver than me! Meanwhile, Jamie and Cara (Team Redhead) are on the fairy and they think it’s pretty beautiful in Sydney. But when they say it you can tell they don’t think it’s as pretty as them. On the flip side, Team White looks pretty rough already. Yeesh! This is NOT going to end well for them. Barry is calling it, Team White is out!
“I play harmonica for you, yes?”
Mallory, doesn’t know what to do. Moving on!
“It was a visual delight” for Boy Team Edward to see Girl Team Edward in the water. She was like a pink mermaid. Aw!! That’s so goth-darn sweet. All the teams assume their partners are great at word puzzles, which we highly doubt, but incredibly, Mallory seems to have figured out the boat code first. They have to match flags and letters or something which sounds pretty easy, unless you have to do it. And there’s a camera in your face. And you’re surrounded by cowboys and Globetrotters and evil white Globetrotters. Back at the aquarium, “You can’t put me in there with those monsters,” said the father from Team Asian Daddy Daughter about the shark tank his daughter is swimming in. We will not make a Godzilla/Mothra joke here.
Mallory and Gary are in first place and now they’re gonna race a skiff in Manly Bay. And there’s a seamen’s gun! The seamen has a gun? I thought the seamen came out of the gun? Just goes to show you why we didn’t win the race when we were in it. The Fertility Race. The Redheads remind us that they work well with Team ASL by giving them the answer to the clue: “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea,” which is a song/poem Phil wrote during his childhood deep in the heart of Manly. Heard best accompanied by acoustic guitar and Phil’s tears.
“Ummmmm….Mom? That plan doesn’t really work for me.”
So the teams have moved on to skiffing. Skiffing looks way more fun than shark diving! Amanda and Kris are frickin’ happy because they have not been U-Turned on the skiff yet. The first few teams are already moving towards Phil. We get our first Season 18 shot of Phil on his Victory Mat, pointing into the distance. Damn, Phil is one good pointer. You can practically see his finger saying, “Look friend, here they come!” Due to budget cuts Phil is also taking on the duty of “Phil’s stylist.”
Stylist Phil: Try this classic Australian hat on, Phil.
Phil: I’d love to!
Stylist Phil: Nice hat, Phil! Lookin’ good!
Phil: Thanks Phil!
Meanwhile, Team Edward is having some SCUBA trouble. Berry is calling it, Team Edward is out. Vyxsin was struggling to get out of the water, AKA “swim up.” Then she thought about Kent ‘s dead dad and then she got out of the tank. Weird.
Back on the beach Phil waits with his shirtless Australian surf boy. Gary and Mallory check in first! Wow! They won the express pass. Buuuuuuttt…they are still racing, Phil tells Mallory to stop talking and get moving. Seriously, she won’t shut the hell up and Phil has to yell at her to just go! Wow, for a minute Phil turned real “Jordan from Tool Academy” on us there.
“Do you mind if I rub sunscreen on your back until the next team arrives?”
“I can’t wait until we get to point together.”
The Evil Bizzaro Trotters help the Real Trotters and give them the clue. But not without warning! One favor they now owe to the Evil Pale Colored Trotters!! MWAHAHAHAA!! The Redheads are confused why the Evil Trotters won’t help them out. Why would some guys want to help out a couple of sexy readheads when they could be chasing some sweet Globetrotter ass?! Team Evil Trotters are excited about the skiffing. They say they go sailing every Thursday morning at 6am. Right after Judge Wapner, we assume. The Globetrotters are showin’ off their moves on the skiff. Skifftrotters! A handful of teams were all behind trying to figure out the flag reading, but then Team White gave them ALL the answer. Nice “strategy.”
Now just Kent and Vzxzyaczxsn are lagging behind with Team Brokeback.
The Redheads are just starting to skiff and immediately their boat tips over. Probably cuz of their jugs. Berry’s bummed, there’s not one totally attractive team. Sure, some of the teams are half hot. But none are at 100% hotness.
Most of the teams have made it past Phil’s fake pitstop and are continuing on to “The Back and Beyond,” which is what they call the employee break room at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Uh-oh, on Kent’s way off he slapped Phil’s cabana boy’s ass! Aw hell no! That’s only for Phil to slap! Bad form, Kent. Always let the host sexually harass the help first.
Okay, so the Cowboys are in last place and…..TO BE CONTINUED!! No!!! Will the Cowboys crack the code? The Cowboy Code? Berry and Dan Brown say NO! Stay tuned for next week on the Amazing Race where Bertram Van Munster and Elise Doganieri!! Or maybe that’s just the credits. Either way, exciting stuff!!
“I now pronounce you…..cowboys?”