This week on The Amazing Race, the challenges slowly improve as one team tackles a disgusting Fast Forward, Thomas takes the lead in the side race for worst boyfriend and Mallory continues to erroneously think she’s as cute as a little African baby.
“WHEEEE! We’re marching y’all! THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!!! HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA!
“Arrrgh. First my son, now this twat. Why didn’t you leave me to die in Ghana?”
The Hot Docs are off first, and they learn that they have to drive to Narvik, Norway, and find a gondola station to ride to the top of the mountain. They’re followed by Teams Kentucky and HSN, with Brook telling us that she tends to be a bit excitable at times. Really, you don’t say? I actually like Brook a lot — she’s annoying as hell but she and Claire always seem to be actually enjoying themselves out there and have a good sense of humor about things. Which I guess means that I SHOULD like Mallory as well, but I don’t. I just want to smack her. Although by the way she slurs out the name of their destination, it sounds like someone might have already beaten me to the punch. Pun intended.
Team YouTube is off next, with Kevin telling us that he’s going to move out from home soon, and Michael making a face in response that he should never, ever, make again. That’s something reserved only for people with advanced dementia. Which Michael may have, due to the oxygenation issues during that Ghana challenge.
A face only a son could love. Well, if your son was someone other than Kevin.
They think they lost their clue for a moment, which would be sadly impressive given that they just started the leg a minute ago, but Michael finally finds it in his fanny pack, earning more disrespectful frustration from Kevin. Perhaps I should excuse the aforementioned facial issues because I think I’d start looking insane if I peed together with Kevin, too.
Next off are Thomas and Jill, with Thomas increasing his douchetastic assholeishness by telling us that as a Notre Dame man, he always envisioned himself with someone who went to college. He’s clearly brainwashed Jill, as she chimes in by telling us that it’s intimidating to be with someone who went “to such a great school, like, Notre Dame!” Okay, I went to a higher ranked school than ND, and I cannot even begin to fathom being this much of a blowhard about the name of the school on my degree. All it means is that he and I both got a good score one day on one standardized test. Holy fucking shit, we’re like deities. Why aren’t you people kissing the hem of my skirt right now? Peasants, I’m talking to you. Especially you, Jill. Gross. I hate this kid.
Team Tats is next out the gate, about an hour behind the first team, with Mad Chad and Stephanie and the VolleyBarbies another hour behind after that. Meanwhile, the Hot Docs have arrived at the destination without issue, and tell us that they’re worried about what awaits them at the top of the mountain. And perhaps they should be worried, as the VolleyBarbies cattily comment that Nat is afraid of heights and they hope it’ll screw them up big time. Nat IS afraid of heights, as she silently cries a bit during the gondola ride, but she didn’t hesitate to get in the thing, so it’s fine so far. After a gorgeous journey to the top of the mountain, they see that the next clue is a Fast Forward — which requires the team to eat a sheep’s head. EWWWWWW oh god, I do NOT handle food challenges well! This makes me gag more than when Snooki compared having sex with Vinny to putting a watermelon in a pinhole. Blaaaaargh.
Which one is worse? You be the judge.
The Hot Docs decide to go for the FastForward, only knowing that it involves eating a Christmas delicacy. As they make their way back down for <gag> dinner, Teams HSN, Kentucky and YouTube get their next clue, directing them to a bridge. Hahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Sorry, just channeling Mallory for a minute there, folks. Stop the goddamn giggling! They all decide not to try for the FF, with only Mallory really protesting because it’s about CHRISTMAS, Y’ALL! Maybe Santa will be there! Hot diggigity! Hahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahaha. Someone please slap me.
As she drives to the FF, Katastophe reveals that she’s been a vegetarian for 22 years and she reeeeally hopes that the FF doesn’t involve eating meat. She should expect this — the application asks you to reveal your biggest fears/challenges, and then they use that information against you. If I ever apply, I’m claiming to be scared of puppies. They arrive and see what the challenge is, and Katastrophe’s face goes completely blank, the same way mine does whenever someone asks what happened to rest of the booze. “Hmm, what now? I don’t know. Wasn’t me. Weird. <hiccup>” They both begin peeling all the flesh off the skull, in hopes that they can trick themselves into not realizing what they’re eating when the bones are removed. Anything’s gotta be better than peeling a leathery cheek of a bone like it’s Donatella Versace in face lift number 36. Still, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I didn’t shriek “OH GOD!” and flail on my couch while watching this segment. Twice.
As they chew and I gag, the frontrunners arrive at the Road Block, which requires them to rappel off a bridge to the water below. At the bottom, a boat will give them their next clue, and then they have to use ascenders to climb back up the rope. This looks AWESOME and is totally the type of task I’d want to do. Kevin immediately volunteers for his team — no offense dad, you slow pathetic waste of a teammate — and Gary surprises me by taking it over Mallory. Probably worried she’d get too winded from the incessant giggling. Brook passes it off to Claire, who isn’t exactly thrilled and calls Brook “such a little —” before the shot cuts away. Haha. Claire tells the Norwegian assistant that the harness is giving her a wedgie, inspiring a little international slang lesson. Ah, and THAT kind of bonding is what this race is all about. Between Claire and the Norwegian, I mean. Not Claire’s ass and her underwear.
“Ohh, okay, I know all about Americans and things going up the butt.”
Gary and Kevin make quick work of the descent while the Hot Docs finish the FF, with Katastrophe surprisingly keeping her share of the sheep head (VOM) down. I must admit that they both did a really great job with that. I would eat red meat every day if it wouldn’t kill me, and I don’t think I could have done that one. They head off for the Pit Stop as Jill/Thomas start the Road Block and Team Tats receives its clue at the gondola ride and idiotically decides to go after the FF. Umm, hello, you’re in sixth place and left an hour after the first team. WTF are you thinking?!
As one of the VolleyBarbies tries to convince the other one that it’s less stressful to be in last place rather than first place, Gary and Kevin receive their clues via boat and begin ascending their ropes. Claire’s good at going down — make of that what you will — but struggles to make any progress on the ascension. Come on, Claire! Claire! CLAAAAAAIRE!
Team Tats arrives at the FF and sees the “Fast Forward Taken” sign on the door of the building. You’d think that’d be enough information, but this is Team Tats we’re talking about. So they wander around and stare blankly, debating what that mysterious and complex message could possibly mean. They thankfully give up on solving that riddle and eventually get back in their car and leave as the Hot Docs arrive at the Pit Stop and check in as the first team, winning a trip for two to Costa Rica. Sweet!
“Babe, the man in here says that another team already came and completed the Fast Forward and that we should go back to the gondolas and get the next clue. What do you think he means by that?”
“How the hell am I supposed to decipher a crazy message like that?!”
Mad Chad and Stephanie and the VolleyBarbies get their gondola clue as Kevin and Gary finish the Road Block. Notre Douche has now passed Claire, the latter of whom earns a whole lotta more respect from all of us when she tells Brook to finally STFU with all the screaming of her name. After Kevin shits on his father’s manhood again, they get their next clue, directing them to a remote field. Teams Kentucky and Jill/Notre Douche take off shortly behind them, leaving Claire crying and dangling from her rope while Brook shrieks encouragement in her annoying yet endearing way.
Claire finally finishes, saying that this is the hardest thing she’s ever done. Really, worse than that watermelon to the face? Maybe we need to fling another one at her so she can make an up-to-date comparison. If we let her eat it afterwards, she probably won’t mind too much. Team HSN touchingly interviews about how Claire’s grandmother was the inspiration, but I can’t stop staring at the surgical tape that has now magically appeared above Brook’s eye. Is it too much to hope that Claire decks her?
Despite the FF delay, Team Tats still arrives at the bridge in sixth place, and Vicky eagerly takes the task for the team. Mad Chad and Stephanie arrive and she wisely lets him take the task before he starts stomping his feet and crying that it’s not fair. At the front of the pack, Team YouTube gets its next clue, which is the Detour. The choice is Bike or Boat. In Bike, the team picks a pair of bikes with a colored bicycle lock, and ride the bikes until they reach a sign. The sign has the combination for each lock, and the teams need to memorize the combination for their lock before returning to the start and opening their lock and retrieving their clue. In Boat, the teams go to a fishing trawler and direct the captain to a point on a map. Once on land, they have to deliver two large cod and a chainsaw (any one else grossed out by the implication of that combination?) to a cabin to get their next clue. YouTube picks Boat, and Kevin Kevins all over the place for the millionth time about his dad preventing them from doing Bike. As for Teams Kentucky and Jill/Notre Douche, they pick Bike, which proves to be a steep climb and ends in a slippery patch of rocks. Mallory falls, but sadly does not going flying off the mountain like the sleds from last week.
Leave her, Gary! LEAVE HER!
Team HSN arrives shortly thereafter and picks Boat, with Brook slaughtering grammar Boobs from Big Brother style by saying that these athletic challenges were a big change of pace “for Claire and I.” Agggh. Meanwhile, Vicky has redeemed herself slightly from the FF snafu by kicking ass with the ascenders and her team finishes a few minutes before Mad Chad and Stephanie, while the three frontrunner teams all finish their Detours and head off for the Pit Stop.
Team HSN arrives on land and Brook shoulders the fish, laughing as their tails smack her on the butt with every step, as Claire drags ass behind and prays that they can eat the fish once they reach the cabin. As they finish up the Detour, we rejoin Jill/ND, who are lost and bickering because Jill’s cosmetologist brain was so STUPID to possibly think that a passing bridge is the same one from the site of the Road Block. If she had a college degree, she’d totally be able to keep her Norwegian bridges straight, GOD. YouTube is also lost, but is much more calm about it because Michael’s pretty chill and Kevin knows there’s not much point in getting stressed out because his worthless father will cost them the race at some point. Team Kentucky is the only one without navigational difficulty of the frontrunners, and they check in as the second team with Browsie, demonstrating that Phil was given rare clearance to show a personality during this leg.
“Betcha can’t do THIS, Probst!”
Team Tats arrives at the Detour and picks Bike as Mad Chad and Stephanie arrive and pick Boat. HSN delivers the fish and chainsaw combo, with Claire first demanding why the guy would live all isolated in a cabin on a steep hill (“Yeah! It’s a bit silly!” wheezes Brook), and then both of them abruptly flashing back to their perky herpes quest by smooching the guy on the cheek and heartily thanking him for such a lovely time. You delivered him a Leatherface practice kit, you didn’t join him for a light dinner accompanied by a nice Shiraz, ladies. As they head for the Pit Stop, complaining about how Brook smells fishy, Jill/ND are still looking for the Pit Stop, driving over the bridge where the VolleyBarbies are still completing the rappel Road Block. As the VolleyBarbies incorrectly celebrate that another team is behind them, Jill/ND continue fighting and pull out directly in front of YouTube as both teams try to find the Pit Stop.
Despite bragging about doing BMX and being SO good with Bikes, Nick is struggling and even has to get off his bike and walk it for a portion of the course while Vicky is totally fine. All he needs is for that bike to have a pink basket and streamers and he’d be all set. Vicky is clearly the stronger member of this team, which I suppose is like me saying that I’m so much cooler than this other chick because I only have four cats while she has five. Okay, I really only have two so far but if I’m still single when I hit 35, all bets are off. They get to the combination sign as the VolleyBarbies arrive and surprise me by picking Boat. Shouldn’t these two be trying to (futilely) make up lost ground with the more physical Bike option? As Jill/ND check in third and YouTube checks in fourth, Team Tats finishes the Detour and Brook — hits herself in the face with the car door at the Pit Stop! Hahaha. That’s called karma for laughing her ass off when Claire took that watermelon to the noggin. They check in as the fifth team, as Phil takes full advantage of the personality license by gushing about how “insane” it is that Brook seems unfazed by the bleeding. It’s not like her eye is hanging out by a ligament or something, dude. It’s a small gash with a little blood. Someone pass Phil the smelling salts. He might faint from all the excitement.
“WOW! Look at that! You’re bleeding! The Amazing Race just got real, yo!”
Producer: “Okay, whomever told Phil that he can go off script is fired.”
Mad Chad and Stephanie finish the Detour, passing the VolleyBarbies on the water, as Team Tats finishes in sixth. We’re supposed to believe that the VolleyBarbies still have a chance, especially when we see that the local MC/Stephanie ask for directions has a stutter. Poor guy! Then again, he signed the release to be on camera, so screw him. Despite the efforts to fool us, we all know the VolleyBarbies don’t have a chance. Sure enough, MC/Stephanie arrive at the Pit Stop and check in seventh, leaving the VolleyBarbies in last and eliminated. Adios, chicas.
So what did you think? Are you glad that the VolleyBarbies were eliminated? I am. They were unpleasantly catty at times, but otherwise were so bland that I never even learned how to tell them apart. Are you surprised that Katastrophe ate that disgusting sheep’s head despite being a vegetarian? Could you have done that FF, vegetarianism or not? Can the Hot Docs stay ahead, or is their lead only temporary? And does next week’s episode look awesome or what?