Amazing Race: Snow White and the Seven Gnomes

Previously on the Amazing Race: Osama Bin Laden was eliminated.

Still in the game is:

White Daddy Issues

Globetrotters

Fake Trotters

Team Edward

Team Peepants

The episode begins with Phil in front of a restaurant, telling us nothing. Zev & Justin leave first. Into the unknown. They have to sign in to get to the unknown. Then they have to wait in the cold for three hours until the helicopters open. Peepants is second to leave. They point out that for this leg of the race they were given one dollar. They think it’s hilarious!! Hahahaha!!! They say how they are having more fun this time around because the first time they ran the race they were rushing to race. Yeah, take your time Peepants, no worries. It’s not like it’s for A MILLION DOLARS!

Jen is excited to ride a helicopter, and Kisha is not, because of the snow. They read that he first helicopter leaves at 9:15am WEATHER PERMITTING!! And it’s dumping snow, so they might be there for a while.

Team Edward is leaving at 8am. Kent says that they are starting the leg happier. Vyx says that they put on extra glitter today to match the snow. They run into the snow, Kent wants Vyx to help him with his hood because he can’t reach it. Oh my God! By the way, have you noticed that each leg the Goths get more and more psychotic. And the fact that they are “acting happier” makes them seems very serial-killery. Barry and I are now legitimately scared of the Goths.

White Daddy Issues leaves next and somehow bypasses Team Edward pretty quickly. Probably because the Team Edward were trying to catch and skin a squirrel or something. As Team Edward gets passed by Gary and Mal-Mal Kent gets all creepy and without any emotion says how everything just makes him want to kick Gary and Mallory’s ass even more. Kent is being a stanky diaper this leg. Vyx is embarrassed. They finally get a cab.

“See that snowflake over there? NO, not that one, the one next to it. That snowflake makes me sooo angry.”

Big Easy is making some sports metaphors about the final quarter, but he plays in a game that’s rigged so we’re not sure what he’s getting at.

Everyone is talking about how they are totally afraid of the helicopters. How can you have been on the Amazing Race for the second time and still have never ridden in a helicopter?!?!?! I feel like every season is chocked full of teams looking down from helicopters saying how beautiful whatever sh*t below them is. I’m not afraid of helicopters, but Barry is. But then again Barry is also afraid of chunky peanut butter, flip-flops and Piglet from Winnie the Pooh so I don’t really take him seriously anymore.

So we have arrived, time for the teams to go into…the unknown. (Which is what Barry and I call our jacuzzi, mainly because we don’t clean it out enough.) We cut to Phil introducing us to….The Matterhorn. It’s huge and dangerous and people are dying in avalanches as we speak! No Phil, don’t make us climb it! We’re sorry we mocked your necklace and your half-accent. Let us get back in our jacuzzi!!

The Matterhorn: The finger up your butt of mountain ranges.

Damn, with the psychotic goths, the deadly helicopters and the unpredictable murdering Matterhorn, this is one scary episode of Amazing Race! Buckle up people, let’s get to this detour and get this thing over with!

DETOUR: Search or Rescue. Clever. In “Search” teams must use a GPS to find a dummy burried in the snow then dig it’s ass out. In “Rescue”, someone has to repel into a crevace and find a real live person then get pulled up by their partner. I’d chose the one where the St. Bernard brings you hot cocoa. The Fake Trotts pick “Search” and they find the coordinates of the dummy with their GPS immediately. Now they just have to dig! Peepants chooses “Rescue” and are having fun repelling. Dang Kisha laughs weird. I mean, really weird. I’m scared again Barry, hold me! Gary and Mallory arrive on the “Search” scene and find their place to dig.

Meanwhile, Zev and Justin? Still digging!

Kent and Vyx choose “Rescue” so they travel deep into the chasm…of their own disturbed minds!!!! Kent and Vyxin are particularly insanly dressed in their testimonials this week. I think their new strategy is to make the other team’s minds melt. It’s working in our home!

Um, ma’am, I think a Shih Tzu has climbed upon your head. And died.

Kent is repelling down into the unknown abyss, not dissimilar to the one time these two tried to have sex. His helmet cam is horribly positioned. He screams at Vyx to stop lowering him because he’s going too far, oh brother. If there’s a problem, Kent will find it and squeal about it. He just wont stop screaming and the camera is right in his face! I’ve never know the feeling of being annoyed and scared at the same time, but Kent is a master of creation that way. From now on, I’m going to call this combo of fear and annoyance, feeling “Kenty.”

Oh yeah, I’m feeling super Kenty right now.

And Zev and Justin? More digging! Those poor guys, I really thought they had this in the bag. What happened? Will digging really be their downfall? Gary will show them how it’s done. And boy does he! I’ve haven’t heard this much grunting since I made Barry go on the elliptical last summer. What a mistake! He sweat for days. But Gary is a real man! He’s not complaining at all, just grunting and digging his heart out for his daughter. Even after she continuiously throws snow right in his face. And with one big heave…up comes the mannequin’s body. Unfortunately, the legs were still buried. Just like the movie, “Mannequin 3: NOT on the Move Because It’s Just A Torso.”

After everyone (except Zev and Justin, who are still digging) finish the detour the teams take a helicopter to a train station to go back to Zermatt. I wonder if anyone tried to pay off the helicopter pilot to take them the whole way. He’d do it for one dollar right? Team Peepants are in the lead, until they get to the train station, then everyoe (except Dig-Duggers Zev and Justin).

“Teams must now have sexual innuendo dreams about me, Phil.”

With every other team enjoying a comfortable leisurely train ride to Le Petit Cervin, Zev and Justin contemplate the fact that they may be there, digging, forever. You know who else is probably contemplaying that? The cameraman. At least get out of there for him! And didn’t you hear Phil, “constant avalanches!”

Justin takes another break to do his incredible Scarface impression.

As we go to commercial break Zev and Justin assume they were be there forever. They had started hole hunting and even put down a deposit on a beautiful cravasse near their detour. Yup, this is the end……….And we’re back…and they’re getting it! Ahh, the magic of cliffhangers and editing. What would Amazing Race be without them? First they pull up the legs and then work on the torso, doing a switcheroo on Gary and Mallory’s old routine.

The rest of the teams are getting off the train and reading their roadblock, “Who wants to make a new friend.” Phil tells us that every year Switzerland exports more than 250 metric tons of chocolate to the world. To put that into perspective, one metric ton is a sh*tload of chocolate. So 250 tons would be almost three Easter’s worth of candy for Barry and I.

For the roadblock the teams have to create a Travelocity Roaming Gnome made entirely out of chocolate. They must use the exact Swiss methods, which include using snow as a cooling agent and letting Nazi’s hide their money inside. When they get the approval of the chocolatier the teams will get thier clue.

Vyxin, Mallory, Flight Time and Jen take on the task and immediately get to work. While their teammates get to work, pounding free chocolate while yelling at their other halfs to work faster. Zev and Justin have finally made it out of Cravasse City, got onto the helicopter and are waiting for the train to Chocolate Town. Come on guys, catch up! We don’t hate you the most!

“Me and my husband will judge your work.”

While the teams work, Kent and Vyxkin work their strategy of trying to annoy the other teams so badly that they quit. Kent keeps calling the freezer the oven, peeking in between the metal shelves and being crazy passive aggressive about everything. Even Mallory says he sounds like a broken record and how she wouldn’t be able to take that. Yes, Mallory, slap him! We’re not there, and this is all in the past, you have to do it for us! be our conduit and smack the crap out of Kent. Please!

Stop being so Kenty ALL THE TIME!

The teams are painting the shell of the gnomes when Zev and Justin show up. They jump right in without missing a beat. Good for you, guys! Each team puts their shell on a rack in the freezer (or “oven” to Kent) to let it cool (or “heat up and melt” to Kent), with Vyxsin running crazy behind. You’d think she’d be a great painter with having practiced on her face for so long. Then the drama begins! Flight Time goes to the freezer and says somebody took his shell. Who put which shell on which rack? OH GOD!!! Then I’m pretty sure he takes Vyxkin’s shell and Big easy keeps yelling, “Somebody got his bottom,” and “Now he gotta do another bottom?” and “He got two bottoms!” which is all making Berry giggle like a school girl. Every other team does their best Swiss impression and ignores everything, not getting involved with anyone’s problem. Flight Time takes another shell and says it’s not his, but he’s gonna work with it….then the drama stops. What? Seems like that’s where things should go crazy, with people flipping out and getting penalities. I mean, Vyxsin does cry, but I think she would have done that anyway. But they decide not to talk about it and they move on and apparently there is no probem after that. Odd. I want to know who the bad guy (or girl, or girl with so much goth make-up on I can’t tell what gender it is) is!

Wait a minute, the Swiss don’t use raisins in their chocolates! Eeewwwwww!!!

The tension from the bottom fiasco is broken by making fun of Kisha’s laugh. Damn, she does have a weird laugh. Then Big easy starts ticking her. No stop, her laugh is creeping us all out! The Trotters have moved on to filling their gnome with chocolate. The chocolatier tells him to rotate the gnome and Flight Time starts gyrating his hips while they play some royalty free techno/funk music. He is really getting down. Go Flight Time! Go Flight Time!

Both these ladies are gonna taste a piece of his chocolate, if you know what I mean.
Awwww yeah.

After all that sexyness, Flight Time has to cram his chocolate gnome in the snow. Meanwhile Jen, Mallory, and Vyx are burying their Travelocity gnomes outside. Booya!

Okay, Kent has truly gone insane. He’s the crazy guy on the bus who is mumbling to himself, which occasionally turns into screaming to himself. I don’t even know what he’s bitching about. He’s also trying out a lot of “street talk” that does NOT fit him at all. Little advice, Kent. Never ever end a sentance with “Word.”

Full-on Kenty.

Zev finishes up his gnome and as the chocolatier fills his gnome with choclate she tells him she is filing his gnome with chocolate. And Zev says, “Thanks Captain Obvious.” Whoa! I mean, we were all thinking it, but you don’t have to say it! But it was funny.

Now teams must make their way to an abandoned shack to meet Jacob.

Jacob told me Phil would be here. And that John Locke LOVES his new Ford Focus!

Team Edward, Trotts, Daddy Issues, and Peepants all run to the pitstop. Well, except Team Edward who put their blinders on and took a cab. Yes! They were in first place somehow, but they didn’t read the clue! Please be out, please be out, please be out! Fake Trotters are bringing their gnome inside to be checked out and Justin is being super sweet saying “Good job, Zevy.” Awwwww….

The teams are on their way to the Hotel Holiday at Murini. Kent and Vyxsin bitch about not trying to catch a cab, and even screech to each other about how far away it is. Uum, the clue says “Make your way on foot,” so not that far, but of course, you didn’t read that. Oh wait, yes they did. As they were getting into the cab they lookd at it again for the name of the cabin. You fools! Vyxsin even worries about how she doesn’t think this is right. Kent says he has his blinders on and doesn’t even care. Please be out, please be out! The rest of the teams hoof it to the pitstop (on foot) and Zev and Justin join the race.

And the first to the pitstop is the Trotters! And there’s my St. Bernard!!!! Give me my hot cocoa!! Now, bitch!

“I now pronounce you, husband and dog! You may kiss the Trotter.”

The Globe Trotters made it, “from worst to first” and win a prize from guess who? Travelocity! They say they redeemed themselves and are going to try to get a “slam dunk for the victory on the championship.” There they go with their weird sports metaphors again. I don’t know a lot about basketball, but I don’t think getting a slam drunk wins you the game. Maybe if you break the backboard, because then nobody can keep playing!

Snapple and Ford Focus forgot to remind Travelocity it was his week to work.

Kisha & Jen are a respectable 2nd and Team Edward are 3rd. Nooooo!!!!! BUT they will incur a penalty! Only 30 minutes? Oh please be out, please be out, please be out! Kent blames Vyxsin because she read the clue first. Because you know the old saying on the Amazing Race, “Read a clue once then never look at it closely again.”

He hasn’t stopped grunting since the roadblock.

Gary & Mallory come in 3rd, officially! Yes! Zev and Justin are bringing up the rear. Zev wants to jump a fence and go up the back way. Justin asks him “what happens if we’re wrong.” Zev says, “Well, then we’ll lose.” I gotta be honest, I kinda like this new blunt Zev. Tell it like it is! I can’t wait for his stand-up.

So it’s neck and neck, Fake Trotts running to the big dog, AKA Phil, with Team Edward (Please be out, please be out, please be out!) waiting out a penalty up top. Vyxsin is convinced they are going home today and Kent tells her that with that attitide he hopes they are. Then we’re in agreement. Quit! Zev and Justin climb up and down like a real life game of Q-Bert and just to mess with us Kent and Vyx get bitchier and bitchier.

And the not last place winner is….ZEV AND JUSTIN!!! YEEAAHHHH!!!! Thank God for taxi penalties! They say they are humbled and appreciative showing exactly why we are happy they are still in the race.

Said Kent in the most bitchy, passive aggresive tone he could muster.

So Kent and Vyx are going home to Forks, Washington with make-up running down their cheks ruining their clothes and the people’s clothes around them. Ahh, karma feels so good you guys. Phil reminds them that this is not how they wanted to go home. Yeah, rub the salt in that wound! In their confessional I was hoping to hear how they are obviously going to break up, never speak again and go back to surrounding themselves with normal, muted colors. But no! Vyxin says they are still best friends and are going to cuddle and that at the end of the day she’s taking the best teammate with her. Sorry to burst your bubble, but Gary is NOT going home with you. Wait, she means Kent? WHAT?!?!

And stay off my TV for good this time!

Coming up, the big two hour finale!! Can you feel the excitement! We can, because the Dating Goths are gone! For the first time ever we will be happy for whoever wins! Go TEAMS! Next week, the teams head to Brazil, get waxed, do some dancing and ride a trolley!

Wait, where are they pulling her hair from?! AHHH FINALE CLIFFHANGER!