Amazing Race: The Groan Heard Round the World…

This week on The Amazing Race, the teams travel to Oman, where they have to rappel off cliffs, deliver water to some guy’s cousin, and determine whether or not Ali Babba is indeed in a suit.  Oh yeah.  And then there’s a certain question…

Claire, stop eating the clu– oh, sorry, that’s a goat.  Nevermind!

The Hot Docs kick off the leg at 1:00 a.m., learning that they will be traveling to Muscat, Oman.  Once they land in Oman, they have to find a dude who will tell them what time they are allowed to climb to the top of a fort to receive their next clue.  Now that the Hot Docs are becoming serious contenders, the editors decide to remind us of Nat’s diabetes, which has thankfully not been played up too much thus far.  Not that I’m insensitive to her medical condition, but Nat’s awesome enough without us having to give her pity points for having to deal with diabetes as she’s racing.  So let’s leave that in the background, editors, mmkay?

Team HSN departs second, about 30 minutes behind the Hot Docs.  Claire tells us that she knows that her chunky ass can’t keep up with Brook’s Energizer Bunnyisms, but she just tries to keep Brook in sight as she gasps for air and cheeseburgers behind her.  Minutes behind them are Team Tats, with Nick noting that he doesn’t give a damn about making friends and doesn’t care how he’s portrayed on the show.  For his sake, you better hope that’s true, for he’s been portrayed as a huge dick.

As Team Kentucky, the father-daughter hillbilly team of no incestuous connotations by popular demand of the readers, departs at 1:46 a.m., the Hot Docs find a travel agent to determine the best way to reach Oman.  What the hell kind of travel agent is working at 2 in the morning?  The only justifiable reason to be up that late is if you’re boozing.  Or if you’re having explosive diarrhea.  I would get out of bed for that.

“You’re lucky, ladies, that I ate some very questionable sushi earlier tonight.”

Jill and Notre Douche are out of the gate before 2:00 a.m. as well, and all five teams meet up at that same 24 hour travel agency of hell.  As they mill around, they wonder where Mad Chad and Stephanie are.  The answer?  Passed out in their room, sleeping through their 2:45 a.m. departure time.  I’ve always wondered if the producers help rouse the teams to ensure they make their departure time.  I’m not sure if this definitively answers the question or just shows that they hate this particular team.

As MC snores away through the hotel room door, the Hot Docs and HSN get on a flight arriving in Oman at 8:55 p.m., and the other three teams present are forced to accept tickets for a flight arriving at 10:35 p.m.  MC and Stephanie finally wake up about two hours late for their departure time, shortly before 4:45 a.m., treating us to rare footage of a team inside its hotel room.  The thought of what they may have been doing in that hotel room that made them so tired really grosses me out!  Blargh, MC moobs.  We’re then shown a montage of MC treating Stephanie like shit, as they tell us that all their struggles on the race have been their own fault rather than other teams legitimately being better.  I’d say it’s more like a little bit of A, a little bit of B, and a huge load of MC is a jerkface.  They are super lucky in that their gigantic mistake doesn’t cost them, as they book a flight arriving at 10:45 p.m., and it arrives at the same time as the 10:35 p.m. flight.

It’s oppressively hot in Oman, and the teams all race to the fort and realize that they will have to camp overnight as the first fort-scaling time is 7:30 a.m.  Stupid equalizer!  The two female teams claim the two 7:00 a.m. slots, with the other teams staggered behind up to 8:00 a.m.  The next morning, at about 6:00 a.m., MC pulls Stephanie aside to take a walk, telling us that he’s going to propose.  Oh, yuck!  You know she’s going to say yes and I’m sure most of us would agree that she should not.  I know this race can bring out the worst in people due to stress and exhaustion, but I would NOT be okay with my boyfriend disrespecting me the way Mad Chad has disrespected Stephanie.  If I were her, I’d be considering dumping him, not marrying him.  His proposal is admittedly a lot sweeter than I would have expected (I was thinking it’d be more like, “I Chad.  You Stephanie.  You make me pot pies and bring me beer forever like good woman”), and she of course accepts.  <GROAN>  Groans aside, I must also admit that I got a little misty eyed when their team label changed from “Newly Dating” to “Engaged”, but that’s because I’m a huge sap underneath all this bitter sarcasm and proposals make me weepy, even coming from assholes like MC.

“I love you, Stephanie.  Never in my moobiest dreams did I ever think I’d find a woman this hot to put up with my shit.  Will you please settl– erm, marry me?”

After the teams congratulate the newest future divorce statistic, Hot Docs and HSN take off for the fort summit at 7:30 a.m.  The clue directs them to drive to the highest mountain in Oman, where a safety driver will take them to their next clue (the roads being too treacherous for the teams to navigate themselves).  In groups of two, the teams collect the clue and begin trying to navigate their way to the mountain.  Jill suggests to Notre Douche that they stop and ask someone, and shocks me when she snaps at him for being an asshole when he mocks her for stating the obvious.  Maybe she’s just pissed off that she didn’t get his mother’s ugly old ring put on her finger this morning.  After all, she’s JUST a cosmetologist.  She can’t let a catch as good as a Notre Dame man go!  I mean, what could be better?  Besides anyone other than ND, that is…

Teams Tats and HSN pull into the same gas station for directions, and Vicki shares the information she receives from a local with Brook.  This, of course, makes Nick go ballistic, as he tells Vicki repeatedly to shut up, that she has no common sense and that he will go home the next time she helps someone.  Which makes SO much sense, seeing as though the whole reason he’s mad that she’s helping Brook is because it could hurt their position in the race. I’m starting to think that Nick’s grandma’s clown torture has permanently trapped him into an eight year old’s mentality.  He is such a brat.  It IS pretty funny though when he bitches that the HSN girls are probably laughing their asses off at Vicki’s stupidity right now — and we cut to HSN doing exactly that.  Okay, so he’s a correct brat.

Mallory insists that she can read the map that everyone else has rejected in favor of asking the very nice and helpful locals, which results in getting her team lost.  She then lets her perky mask slip a bit and unattractively snaps at her adorable father, who is weakly trying to insist that he doesn’t think they’re going the right way.  Come on, Gary!  Tell Magellan to shut her trap and go back to smearing Vaseline on her teeth.

Clearly, a girl who thinks that doing her hair up like a Polish cleaning lady is a good idea is lacking a bit in the judgment department.

MC and Stephanie arrive at the mountain first, and see that the clue is a Road Block.  It’s another fun one, as the team member has to rappel 500 feet straight down the side of mountain, and then search through hundreds of magic lamps to find one that contains a ring.  When the team member delivers the ring to the nearby dude, the team will get its next clue.  MC takes it for his team, and Jill takes it for hers when she and Notre Douche arrive shortly thereafter. Jill whimpers in fear a bit as she descends, but otherwise does a great job on what I’m sure is an awesomely scary task.

As Mad Chad and Jill find rings and drive off with their teammates for their next clue, Teams Tats and HSN arrive at the Road Block.  Nicky Wicky is scared of heights, so Vicki takes it for her team and Claire puts her prior rappelling experience from the bridge a few episodes ago to good use when she volunteers to take it for HSN.  Meanwhile, the Hot Docs realize that they are lost and Gary tries to more firmly tell his daughter that her trusty map ain’t doing them shit.  Both teams finally stop for directions, which allows Mallory the opportunity to climb one entry higher on my shit list when she begins saying Hail Marys while Gary talks to the locals.  God does not care that your ass cannot read a map, sweetie.  So please STFU and let Him get back to working on more important things, like the Bears’ offensive line curing AIDS.

Vicki rappels down as if she spends her free time practicing mountain climbing instead of hiding her beauty with buckets of ink, and she begins looking for a ring as MC/Stephanie and Jill/ND arrive at the next clue box.  It’s the Detour, and the choice is Water Table or Wedding Table.  In Water, the teams pump water from a deep well using a motor-powered machine, and then deliver the water to a house after navigating the streets of Muskat.  In Wedding, the teams must purchase ingredients for a traditional wedding soup and then prepare the dish and deliver it to the bride and groom.  I would pick Water and pray I could find a local to help me navigate the streets for the delivery.  Both teams pick Water, and I find it slightly amusing that the newly engaged couple walks away from a wedding-themed task.  Also amusing is ND’s insistence that he and Jill try to hide behind the clue box so MC/Stephanie don’t see them.  Umm, you two are both in good shape and all, but I’m pretty sure you’re wider than that post.  You’re making my cat, who is convinced that as long as I can’t see his eyes, I won’t notice his giant orange ass sticking out, look smart.  That’s a pretty significant accomplishment.  This cat’s pretty damn dumb.

“Sorry, babe, but I can’t let anyone see me associating with someone who didn’t go to COLLEGE.”

At the Road Block, Claire has now descended successfully and joins Vicki in searching for rings.  They find the rings within seconds of one another, but when the two teams return to their safety drivers, Team Tats sees that their van’s back tire is significantly leaking and on its way to becoming flat.  Cue Nick telling the tire that it’s a dumbass and has the mentality of a third grader.  As he changes the tire, Mallory looks near tears as she and Gary still try to find the Road Block, and the other two enchanting couples at the head of the pack arrive at Water.  They both fill their water tanks without issue, and hop in the water trucks to find their designated drop off spots, which are different from one another’s.  Both teams have a driver who is not allowed to help them, so they begin looking for different locals to provide directions.

Team HSN arrives as the Detour clue box, and they pick Water after unnecessarily telling us that they cannot cook.  This is hardly surprising.  I can’t imagine Brook staying still long enough to cook, and Claire being able to resist eating her ingredients before she’s even done with the prep work.  Meanwhile, the Hot Docs have finally found the Road Block, which Kat takes after we’re reminded that Nat is scared of heights.  On her way to be harnessed up, Kat spies a mountain goat and comments that it looks like a mountain goat.  Now those are the analytical skills I look for in a physician!   As for Kentucky, they’re still lost and now Mallory is officially crying.  I know I’m hard on the girl usually, but I would be upset too if I were in her shoes.  I think the absolute worst way to go out of this game is due to navigational difficulties.

Back at the Detour, Jill/ND find a local willing to lead them, as I was expecting/counting on had I been running the race and not sitting here, eating a Lean Cuisine and wondering at what age I should throw in the towel and take my ass to the sperm bank.  Team Tats gets the Detour clue, and they too pick Water.  As they start driving to the Water location, Nick spots a water truck on the road and begins following it like an idiot.  Just because it’s a water truck does not mean it’s going to Water!  That’s like being on your way to a certain hospital and randomly starting to follow any ambulance you spy on the road along the way.  Except, you know, that could kill your passenger.  Although Vicki looks a bit like she wants to kill herself, so maybe the analogy isn’t too far off.

Before you need to ask for the millionth time, yes, you ARE that dumb, Team Tats.

Kat descends the mountain at the Road Block and begins hunting for a ring as Jill/ND are led by their local to the correct house — which turns out to be the local’s cousin’s house.  What are the chances that Jill/ND were directed to the house of one of his family members?!  It’s either a huge coincidence, or it might be hard to breed in that town without producing a gorked kid.  MC and Stephanie find a local to help them as well, but Jill/ND finish the Detour and get their next clue before MC/Steph arrive at their house.  Instead of a Pit Stop, the next clue directs Jill/ND to a market, where they must pick up frankincense and deliver it to “Ali Babba in the souq” to receive their next clue.

As MC/Stephanie finish up the Detour as well, Team Tats lucks out as it turns out the water truck they’re following actually IS going to Water.  Well, that’s disappointing from an entertainment value perspective.  They begin working on the task, and HSN shows up 5-10 minutes behind them.  As Brook sprays the camera guy in the face with water, Kentucky finnnnnnally finds the Road Block after nine hours of driving, if we’re to take Mallory’s comment literally.  Kat(astrophe if you’re not careful, young lady) finds her ring in the nick of time after what seems like a very long time searching, and the teams pass each other on their way up/down the mountain with their safety drivers.  Seeing another team pumps up Kentucky, but they will have to be extremely luck to pull this thing off at this point.  Gooooo Hot Docs!

The editing is starting to speed up and making things confusing, but basically the teams are divided into three sets of two — the couples in the front at the market with the frankincense and trying to find the proper merchant, Tats/HSN at Water recruiting locals to help them find their houses, and Hot Docs/Kentucky battling for second to last place, with Mallory doing the Road Block and the Hot Docs getting the Detour clue and picking Water.

I thought Claire only got this excited when the “Hot Now” Krispy Kreme light turns on.

Jill/ND and MC/Stephanie both find the merchant within minutes of each other, and both teams begin racing for the Pit Stop.  On their way, Notre Douche stops a cab and offers to pay the cabbie to lead them to the Pit Stop — which is strictly against the rules!  Hahaha, how’s that college degree helping out with your literacy?  Ass.  You’d think seeing two teams get penalized last week for this same exact reason would have taught him something, but no.  He went to ND.  He’s already learned everything he needs to know!

Sure enough, when he and Jill arrive at the Pit Stop in first place, they incur a 30 minute penalty.  So much for that vow not to make any more mistakes!  This isn’t enough to get them eliminated of course, but it does cost them first place to MC/Stephanie, who win a trip for two to Belize as the prize, while Jill/ND are forced to sit and watch from the sidelines.  Hahaha, I love it.  As Jill tells Notre Douche how she’s sad they didn’t get the trip because she really wants to go back to Africa and ND’s head explodes, Stephanie gushes about her engagement to the mooby wonder.  Hey, to each their own.  I like guys who are attractive and respectful, and she… doesn’t.  Phil then checks in Jill/ND as team two.

Team HSN is creating blocks-long traffic jams on their way to the market, and Team Tats beats them there and finds a local willing to help them complete the errand, and kind enough not to embarrass them by correcting their confusion of the word “souq” with the word “suit.”  Team HSN arrives quickly thereafter and both teams complete the delivery and race off to the mat, with Tats checking in third and HSN checking in fourth.  Both teams clearly thought they were racing to avoid elimination, as most clearly demonstrated by Claire, who leaps on Phil as if he’s one of those racing hot dogs at a baseball stadium.

“That’s some weird-ass suit you’re wearing, Mister!”

That leaves us with the last two teams, with the Hot Docs CLEARLY far in the lead and safe, as long as they don’t commit a penalty.  I mean, come on, editors:

Hmm, I think the sky MIGHT look a bit different in these two pics…

In the last few minutes, the teams spot each other out and about, but I’m sure it’s due to Hot Docs leaving one location as Kentucky is arriving at it, rather than the two teams being that close.  As expected, the Hot Docs are able to leisurely job up to the Pit Stop, whereas you’d expect them to be running like a process server is after them if it were really that close with Kentucky.  “You’ve been served!  I’d recommend the Water Detour by the way, Doctor…”  The Hot Docs are somber as they check in as team five, clearly disappointed by their showing on this leg, and Kentucky therefore is eliminated when it arrives.  Mallory and Gary say some sweet things about how important the race was to them, and it’s sad to seem them go, as they were both genuinely nice people, especially Gary, whom I had a bit of an old-man crush on.  That being said, I won’t miss them, as they were a fairly boring team that never really stood out as a true contender for the finals.

Well, now it’s down to the couples’ trifecta of dickheads and two strong all-female teams.  I’m definitely rooting for one of the female teams to win, not just because I am a woman and not just because an all-female team has never won, but because the three guys are all pretty wretched.  I’d much rather seen HSN or Hot Docs take home the million over any of those guys.  The ladies just need to get a good start to the next leg, and they’ll be right back in it.  What about you?  With five teams left, who are you rooting for?  Are you sad to see Kentucky go, or were they a bit meh to you as well?  And what did you think about Mad Chad’s big proposal?  See you next time!