Welcome to the Amazing Race Episode 3. We be Fran and Berry, once strong Amazing Race runners. Now, bitchy coach potatoes. Last week Team U-Turn (engaged couple Amanda & Kris) were Philiminated, but no fear 10 teams are still competing for a million dollars and their own self respect. Including:
Team Edward (Vyxsin & Kent)
The Globetrotters (Flight Time & Big Easy)
The Fake Trotters (Zev & Justin)
Caucasian Daddy Issues (Gary & Mallory)
Asian Daddy Issues (Christina & Ron)
Team ASL (Margie & Luke)
The Whites (Mike & Mel)
Team Peepants (Jen & Kisha)
The Redheads (Cara & Jaime)
Brokeback Brothers (Cord & Jet)
We now take you deep into the Australian Outback, for like one second. The teams immediately board an overnight train ride to Sydney, chug their last Fosters and get the hell out of the outback and Australia all together. In the morning they have to catch the first plane to Tokyo, Japan! Helllloooooo Kitty! (That was supposed to be an Animaniacs “Helllooooo Nurse” reference, Berry is shaking his head at me.)
Fake Trotters get going early! Brokeback and the Globetrotters make it onto the first airport train/shuttle before Peepants, ASL and The Whites.
Team Edward shows off Kent’s cowboy hat. They’re hoping to catch the eye of Brokeback. Literally, they need an eye for a potion.
We find out some gossip on this episode, apparently Christina is engaged to Azaria from season 12. Love was found on the Amazing Race! We had to look up who Azaria is, we found him, and still barely remember him. Congratulations? As long as he’s nothing like her dad they should be fine.
The Amazing Face
Fake Trotters obviously don’t know that we call them Fake Trotters because they chat about how everyone has a nickname but them. They think the best option is: The Special Kid and His Friend. Somebody tell Jev you can’t give yourself a nickname! That’s not how it works! Oh wait- it is entirely possible that Jev named himself Jev. I guess social rules don’t apply to the autistic. I suppose that’s what makes them….autistic.
All the teams are at the airport are deciding if they want to take a direct Qantas flight, or take a Cathay Pacific flight where they’ll have to catch a connecting flight, but it could get them in 15 min earlier. They are making a really, really big deal about those damn 15 minutes.
Fake Trotts/Team Special Kid and His Friend say last time they had a layover they got delayed, but “that won’t happen again.” Which means we can pretty much guarantee that it absolutely will happen again. We’re on to you Amazing Race editors! You can’t fool Franberry!
Mike White is all gung-ho about getting the Cathay flight for the potential 15 min head start, but Mike must have forgotten that his dad can’t even walk briskly, or step into curbs without hurting himself, so how is he gonna hustle to get on a 2nd plane? Mel sorta moans and groans. Can’t tell if he disagrees with Mike or if his body is shutting down.
The Whites and ASL won’t tell White Daddy Issues which flight they booked. They are being super sketchy! Doesn’t Cathay sound like if Jackee and Cathy had a baby? “Oooo….ACK!” Berry is shaking his head again. Shut up and bring me more cherry diet Dr. Pepper Berry!
The first flight (Cathay Pacific) leaves, onboard is: Team Edward, ASL, The Whites, and Redheads
Second flight (Qantas) is carrying everyone who didn’t think they were speedy enough to catch a connecting flight.
The Cathay flight is already in trouble with some engine problems. Mel was right! So were the editors that foreshadowed it! We knew it!
That’s her brain talking to her face.
Commercial break. Colonoscopy reminder! CBS cares?
Meanwhile, peaceful Tokyo Japan has no idea what is about to hit them! The planes land and screaming Americans flood the streets. “Teams must drive themselves to Kamakura and locate the Sudagakukamamama and then go to the Yahoo Dojo to find their next clue.” Phil must have had a lot of fun recording that one!
The teams have to get their cars out of a car vending machine. Everyone makes a snack/drink joke. But nobody goes all the way with it and tries to flatten out a dollar to put in the machine. Where’s your committment to the bit, people?!
Ron is bitching about………does anyone ever really know what Ron is bitching about?
“Why do they call it a “sand-wich?” It makes no sense! I wouldn’t eat sand! Would you!? I hate eating sand.” etc….
The Cathay flight arrived an hour and a half later than the other team. Due to engine trouble. Yes, that sucks, but never, ever, bitch about someone taking the time to fix “engine trouble” on a plane.
The last 4 teams are freaking out and trying to stay together for some reason, but also hate each other. It’s good television.
We think Ron has Asperger’s too. “We might be screwed because of her ineptitude!” Come on, can’t you just picture that written in one of those orange puzzle pieces?
The teams head to the Yasami Dojo where they have to ride a wooden horse and shoot their arrows, creating a glitter explosion. I guess they can’t ride a fairy every week. Asian Daddy Issues get there first and Christina gushes about how much she and Ron LOVE Japanese tradition and culture and stuff, but as soon as Ron suits up to do the task he’s all bitching about how Christina is better than him at seeing. If you can’t see you shouldn’t be shooting an arrow from a moving horse, Ron!
On the set of the Japanese rip-off of Toy Story. Pictured right to left: Phil, “Wooden”
Ron, Gary, and Jen are up to bat. Ron thinks the judges are too strict. Maybe it’s you that has the “ineptitude” Ron. Out front of the dojo Jev sees Mallory and acts like he hasn’t seen her since middle school. Jen is good at being detail oriented so SHE NAILED IT!!!!!! AWESOME!! Justin nailed it right away too!! He said how he used memory games to remember the order. Then Gary got it right after him. Just in time to get out of there before Flight Time, Luke, Mike, and Kent get up in there. By the way, was anyone else really disturbed by the sound that Ron made? It sounded like “YYEEEEAAAWWWWW.” Creepy.
Now the teams have to to find a statue for their next clue. Cara and the other one, Team Redhead side swipe a guy’s car and hit his side view mirror. They think that they are screwed now. He called the cops instead of just swapping insurance. They are pissed they can’t just give him some money for it, or like they do in the states, flirt and run. Peepants asks for directions at a funeral and White Daddy Issues sees the statues and tell Fake Trotters/Special Friends.
Detour! Purity or Frog of Luck. For Purity they have to suit up Karate kid style and learn a prayer with motions, then they have to stand under a frozen waterfall for 1 min. Um, running out of challenge ideas are we, Amazing Race? For Frog of Luck you take your clothes off and find a toy frog in the mud. Yes, they are definitely running out of ideas.
A most honorable Golden Shower.
Back at the dojo Kent got really into it and shot the hell out of that arrow. Mike could barely pull back the string on the bow. Like father like son.
Fake Trotters and White Daddy Issues get in diapers to get wet and wild in some mud. What they didn’t realize is that while they search for the frog toy, Japanese boys will be hurling mud at them. Sounds like a typical night at Fran and Berry’s! Holla! How YOU doin’?!?
“Those stupid Americans got into our manure fields again!”
Berry thinks Japan looks a lot like Milwaukee. The forests look exactly the same. Next time we go there to visit my family we’ll wear kimono’s and save ourselves a trip across the globe.
The Trotters are really into the prayin’ and movin’! If we didn’t know they were doing exactly what the Japanese man was doing, it’d look like the most racist thing in the world! But man they are getting into it and bringing it!
The Redheads are currently in last place thanks to their terrible driving and bitchy attitudes.
Fake Trotters find the frog and chest bump the clue giver. In fact, everyone feels the need to run mud all over the cluegiver. It must be a gift he has.
Now they’re on their way to the pit stop, a statue commemorating Commodore Matthew Perry. Those Japanese really like Mr. Sunshine over there! Or at least sarcasm.
Could Japan BE any more into Commodore Matthew Perry?
Zev and his friend get to Phil, who is SOOOO happy to see them. Do you think that at the end of the season when they win, Phil will present them with the million dollars and also reveal to them that he is their father? White Daddy Issues (who we are hating less and less) gets 2nd place! And here come Peepants!
Team Edward and The Whites are heading to Frog of Luck. Mike White makes a comment about how it will be satisfying to beat the Redheads which makes us think that The Whites will be out. You’re gettin’ sloppy editors!
The Globetrotters accidentally grab Christina’s bag and then ditch it in the men’s changing room so Asian Daddy Issues are freaked and pissed, all of that soul cleansing they just did was for nothing.
Brokeback knows how to catch frogs. Real or fake. They get in and out before Mel can even figure out what goggles are.
Margie found a frog too, but Luke can’t read lips that are covered in mud.
Mel and Mike get into some serious drama. Mike can’t stand to see his father so cold and old that he gives up for him. Just one problem, his dad doesn’t give up. While Mike stands off to the side giving a confessional about how this is too hard for his dad and they have to quit, Mel is on his hands and knees in the mud still looking for that damn frog. Eventually Mel gives in to Mike and quits, they hop in a hospital van and get wrapped in a bunch of white sheets and receive NO hot cocoa. Berry and I are both shaking our heads at that travesty.
No, no, you’re not.
In the hospital van, Mel says this is the hardest day of his life. Really? Flying on a plane, sitting on the tarmac, waiting outside a dojo and being cold in the mud is the worst day of his life? This is a guy who actually ghostwrote sermons for televangelists like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson for twenty years, eventually came out as gay to them, and was immediately fired, denounced and told he was going to burn in hell. And THIS is the worst day of his life? Oookay.
When Ron and Christina get to Phil and his Asian mistresses they bitch about the Globetrotters moving their fanny pack. So, Phil gives the Globetrotters a back penalty of 30 min, but doesn’t tell them. We call bullshit on these Amazing Race rules. You can’t penalize someone because someone tattles about a fanny pack! A race is a race, let karma figure it out. So, Ron and Christina, Team Tattletale are team number four.
The Redheads show up last, or so they think. They are actually team number 9. They thought for sure that they were gone. One red head says that the big pile of mud on her head is Panda poop, and since when a bird poops on you it’s good luck, this must be the great luck that kept them in the race! Two things. 1. A bird pooping on you is NOT good luck. It’s something people who’ve had a bird shit on them say to feel better about themselves. 2. If a bird poops on your hair, it’s because it flew over you and can’t help it. If you have panda poop in your hair it’s because you walked up to it on the ground and dipped your head in, so you’re an idiot.
“OMG, does my hair look like THAT?!”
The Whites are out! They pretty much gave up. We don’t feel so bad for them, but we are glad that Mel will live. He is a pretty amazing guy. Of course now the show can save money since they won’t need a hospital van to follow him around. At their Phillimination Mel says “At 80 I’ll be back on my walker!” Mel, please don’t. Our hearts can’t take your heart not taking it.
Next week on The Amazing Race, Zev gets hung up in China. Ron comes unglued (more so). And Kent and Vyxsin go off course, presumably ending up in Forks, Washington.
“And there’s no witches in a sandwich either! It’s just bread and lunch meat! No sand, no witches, I mean what the heck, right?!” etc……………..