Amazing Race: Umm, Speed Bump?

This week on The Amazing Race, the teams continue to race around St. Petersburg, where they encounter scary ass clowns, blood stained churches, and odd hybrid sports — everything BUT a speed bump for Team Tats.  Anyone else confused?

That bear sure isn’t.  That’s one mammal that has its priorities straight.

Jill and Notre Douche kick off the leg, learning that the teams will be traveling to a circus, and telling us that their major problem is that ND talks at Jill instead of to Jill.  Well, duh?  How else is a Notre Dame grad supposed to communicate with the common folk?  He insists that they work well together as long as she keeps her trap shut, and she tries to convince us that she has any self worth.  It’s charming, really.

Next off is Team HSN, with Brook nearly hyperventilating in excitement once she learns about the circus.  This woman really missed her calling as a clown, as she’s both manic and downright terrifying at times.  The circus isn’t open when Jill and Notre Douche arrive, which allows all the teams to catch up by the time the gate finally is unlocked.  They race to get the clue, which is a Detour with the choices of Circus Band or Circus Clown.  In Band, both members of the team have to learn to play a song on an accordion.  In Clown, the teams have to learn how to spin plates on sticks, and keep 10 spinning at the same time for at least 10 seconds.  With only that information, I think I’d pick Clown because that seems like a task that sounds harder than it looks.  At least I would hope there’s a trick, or how the hell could anyone complete that?

Everyone but Teams Hot Docs and Kentucky pick Clown, and they all rush into a chaotic circus tent to start spinning plates.  As ND and Mad Chad  begin screaming at their partners for sucking — despite the fact they both suck as well, of course — Nick gets the hang of it immediately.  As he should, seeing as though his grandmother had a CLOWN ROOM in her house.  JFC, is that some sort of old lady version of a Saw trap?  He tells us that she would make him and his brother sleep in there, and they’d wake up in the middle of the night with a clown face inches from their heads.  As a result, he says, they don’t like clowns much now as adults.  NO SHIT.  I’d be in a padded cell right now if I were him.  The summers I spent at my grandma’s, forced to play canasta and listen to her bitch and moan about how she felt gassy now seem downright glorious by comparison.

“Hello, little Nicky.  Did you remember to wash behind your ears like Grandma said?”
“NO TOUCHY!  NO TOUCHY!”

At Band, the Hot Docs show their nerd side when they try to come up with a numerical system to keep the notes straight while Kentucky goes for a more traditional approach.  That’s boring, so we immediately go back the Clown, where Team YouTube is doing well.  Jill is struggling, so ND snatches a plate out of her hand, and does even worse.  What, is this the ONE THING on the race that he hasn’t done before?  Ass.  Jill of course lets this whole thing slide without a comment or even an exasperated look to the camera, and ND declares that they should switch to Band since it’s right there outside.  True, the two options are in immediate proximity to one another, but way to throw a temper tantrum buddy.

Back inside the tent, there must be a requirement that each team member place a minimum number of the plates, as Nick is coaching Vicki instead of doing it all himself.  And by coaching, I mean he’s calling her a dumbass.  Somehow, I don’t think that’s the most effective strategy, although I can try it with the team I coach and get back to you guys with a first hand impression.  And so much for that growth and development Nick claimed to have experienced when he thought he was eliminated last week!

Despite her utter disappointment that the plates are completely clean without any bits of food to lick off of them, Claire helps Brook complete the Detour, putting them in first place.  Guess Brook’s past clown life helped after all!  Their next clue vaguely directs them to a bridge, and they set off after molesting a few of the clowns in excitement.  No kisses to add to Herpes Watch though from what I saw.  Team Hot Docs is right behind, their numerical system having worked out better than I would have expected.

“Uh, hello, I’m Asian!  The odds of you getting that to stay on my face are about the same of me being able to drive two blocks without striking fear in the heart of everyone I pass!”

Inside the tent, Mad Chad is just getting angrier and angrier, and his team switches to Band as Teams Tats and YouTube finish Clown and Team Kentucky finishes Band.  Now would be a great time for some Cold War relic bomb to go off, as Jill/ND and Mad Chad/Stephanie have been segregated from the rest of the teams.  As for the clowns… yeah, I don’t a shit.  Those assholes are like cockroaches.  They’ll survive.  But I hope the bear’s okay.  The bear is my kind of peo– erm, animal.

Team HSN arrives at the bridge without incident, and receive their next clue which requires them to travel on foot to a tower.  It explicitly says that teams are not allowed to hire a cab to lead them to the tower.  They then must climb the tower and figure out that the waiting church figurine is a miniature of the real church they need to go to next.  Only two teams may be at the top of the tower at the same time.  Team HSN heads off on foot, closely followed by the Hot Docs and Team Tats.  And then it’s YouTube’s turn to pick up the clue.  Michael instructs Kevin to read the clue carefully… and then Super Son recruits a cab to lead them to the tower!  HAHA!  Now that my friends is karma.  Gotta love how Kevin’s been bitching and moaning for weeks now about how his dad is such a liability, and it’s HIS dumb ass who blatantly ignores a race requirement, which is sure to land them a hefty penalty at the mat.  As for Team Kentucky, they buck stereotypes by proving that they can read, and they correctly head off on foot after receiving the clue.

Back at Band, Stephanie suggests that she and MC come up with a system similar to the Hot Docs’ in order to learn the song, while Jill and Notre Douche struggle so much that they decide to go BACK to Clown.  As they head back inside and realize that every other team has finished the Detour by not being impatient assholes, MC and Stephanie finish Band, leaving us all with nightmares as MC compares part of his body to sausages.

“Come on, Thomas, try!  This isn’t too bad…”
“Well I’m SORRY that I went to COLLEGE where they don’t waste time teaching stupid shit like accordion playing!  Maybe that’s more of a COSMETOLOGY school thing.”

At the front of the pack, Team HSN finds a local who helps direct them to the tower and gets a kiss for his efforts.  The clowns got dissed, yo.  However, the girls manage to walk right past the marked doorway, and keep on going.  I’m guessing that Claire smells food ahead.  As the Hot Docs and Tats wander around, lost, Mallory whines pathetically while standing right in front of the tower and Super Son remains ignorant of his hopefully fatal mistake.  We’re lead to believe that Jill and ND have now finished the Clown Detour and are right back in the thick of things, but I would trust Charlie Sheen with my kids before I’d trust the Amazing Race editors.

The Hot Docs and Tats have now paired up, and they manage to find the marked doorway and make their way to the top of the tower.  As they scan the horizon, ignorant of the church figurine and its significance, YouTube arrives and has to wait for Kat and Nick to come down.  This allows HSN to finally find the doorway and show up at the tower.  Upon their arrival, Kevin snarkily comments on the fact both Brook and Claire are carrying their backpacks.  When Brook responds by saying that of course they have their bags since it’s not like they were allowed to take a cab or anything, we get this little gem:

“Umm…  umm… shit!  Okay, think.  Let’s see.  This is dad’s fault because… I have his genetics and therefore any stupid movie I make is actually because it’s his genetics directing me to make that stupid move, because he’s the actual stupid one!  Yes!  SAVED!”

Nick finally sees the church figurine on the ledge, and correctly convinces Kat that it’s their next destination.  He also convinces her to go along with his lie that the next destination is “DS13″ when the other teams ask.  Sure enough, as soon as they descend the ladder, Kevin is on them like white on rice.  Nick smoothly lies about DS13 while Kat uncomfortably smiles, and Kevin tells us that he doesn’t think Nick would lie because Nick’s such a swell guy.  However, Kevin still unfortunately goes up to the tower to look around himself, ruining what would have been the funniest thing ever had he blindly torn off for DS13.

Holy shit, I guess Charlie Sheen will be babysitting my fictitious kids during his next coke-fueled temper tantrum with a hooker/porn star, as Jill and ND have caught up with Kentucky and they are now working together as MC/Steph are off on their own.  At the tower, Kevin and Claire notice the church figurine and Kevin is forced to admit that his tattooed idol was lying about DS13.  With their next destination in mind, both teams head out for the church — in cabs.  Which is still not allowed.  Nooo, HSN!  You’re absorbing YouTube’s dumb!

“No, seriously, watermelon girl, this isn’t candy.  You can’t eat it.  It’s our clue.”
“But it looks so YUMMY!  Claire want!  Claire want!”

Jill/ND and Kentucky arrive at the tower shortly thereafter, and ND is once again wrong when he announces that he thinks they’re looking for something marked with a race flag.  It’s a logical assumption, but he delivers it in his usual condescending tone, so I have to hate on it.  ND sees the figurine first and surprises me by tipping off Mallory, and both teams head off on foot for the church, spotting MC/Stephanie on the street as they pass.  Meanwhile, Hot Docs and Tats arrive at the church — which is insanely beautiful I might add — and get their next clue, which directs them to where Peter the Great is buried.  They wander around for a few minutes, asking clueless locals where to go, and are treated with the sight of YouTube and HSN rolling up in illegal cabs.  Kevin pissily accuses Nick of being a liar, which Nick shrugs off with a laugh, as he should.  Sorry Kevin, but your dumbass question put Nick in the spot of either ignoring you, lying to you, or screwing up his entire game.  What did you expect him to do?  While Kevin and Brook moan about what a meanie Nick is, the Hot Docs brilliantly ask the tour guide on one of those double-decker buses where Peter the Great is buried, and they receive the correct answer.  Team Tats looks for a cab (now allowed) and the Hot Docs backtrack to their earlier cab (that has their bags in it), both on their way to the next clue.

As YouTube figures out the riddle and finds in a cab, Kevin entertains us some more by telling the cameras that his team is in a race for first and that he wants to beat Team Tats to show them that liars never win.  Well guess what?  Neither do disrespectful morons who don’t bother to read their clues.  Twice!

MC and Stephanie finally find the tower and Stephanie climbs to the top, with MC telling us that he’s trying to let her take the lead more and more.  Poll:  is he letting her climb to the top because of that or because hes a mooby blob of lazy?  You can guess my opinion.  As Stephanie looks in vain for a race flag, Team Tats is still trying to find a cab.  This, of course, quickly becomes Vicki’s fault, as Nick bitches about how another “Vicki idea” has lead them onto a side street without any cabs.  Everytime I start warming up to this guy, he lets his inner asshole poke out like a particularly nasty hernia.

“Hi, can you take us to–”
“Vicki!  Ask him if he can take us to the Arctic Circle!  I still think that other guy was lying.  Moron.”

HSN is now also in a cab on their way to Peter’s burial place, and Claire proves to have more use than to just serve as my punching bag when she rereads the clue and realizes they took a cab illegally.  She and Brook immediately direct their cabbie to return them to the tower, so that they can travel to the church on foot, and thus eliminate the penalty they will surely face at the mat.  Instead of freaking out and yelling like so many teammates would at this news, Brook stays calm and praises Claire repeatedly for catching their mistake.  See, this is why I like Brook.  She’s upbeat and energetic, and is a really supportive, caring and motivational teammate to Claire — even if she demonstrates that last bit by screaming CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAIRE all over the globe.  YouTube sees the girls veer off, but despite that major clue that something is wrong, keep going forward to elimination land.

At the tower, Stephanie throws in the towel and makes Chad get off his ass and climb the tower to look around.  He quickly sees the figurine and shouts down at Stephanie that it was “right in front of her frickin’ face!”  Stephanie shows a — what’s this? — ounce of awareness of MC’s awfulness as she says quietly to the camera that she loves it when he rubs things in.  After he comes down from the tower, he continues to rub it in — as they get in a CAB.  Agggh.  I’m torn between laughter at the irony of him mocking her for being stupid as he flagrantly violates the clue and disappointment that YouTube may survive the leg due to this mistake of MC/Steph.

The Hot Docs arrive at the next clue first, which is a Roadblock .  One team member must play Gorodki, which is a Russian sport where you throw a bat to knock over a stack of blocks.  The team member has to knock over three separate stacks, with two attempts per stack.  Thankfully for the teams, Phil won’t be standing on top of the stacks as they play.

“Not my eyebrows!”

Kat decides to take the Roadblock for her team, and she rocks the first formation, clearing it with her allotted two attempts.  Meanwhile, Team Tats finally gets a cab — Nick acting like a third grader as he tells Vicki that she made a third grader mistake — and Kentucky and Jill/ND reach the church on foot.  Mallory opens the clue and reads aloud that “Peter the Great is inside me”, which must be a nice relief for her from her dad.  As those teams ask Russian trannies for the burial location, Team HSN jogs up to tag in at the church, before hoping in a cab and proceeding to the Roadblock, violation corrected.

At the Roadblock, Kat knocks down the second formation as YouTube arrives and Michael starts the task.  Michael’s not very good, and Kevin bitches to us that he should have done it instead, as his father is a pathetic sack of waste who can’t even complete a simple task.  Michael must be a saint, as he’s standing there with a BAT in his hand and does nothing.  As HSN arrives and Brook starts the task, Kat knocks down the final formation and the girls receive the clue directing them to the Pit Stop.

In last place — and like YouTube, oblivious of their rules violation — Mad Chad and Stephanie arrive at the church and quickly figure out their next destination.  They get in a cab just as Kentucky and Jill/ND find their old cabs with their bags and begin heading to the Roadblock as well.  At the Pit Stop, the Hot Docs come in first again, finally convincing me that their previous successes have not been flukes and that they might be able to become the first all-female winners.  Go Hot Docs!

Nat going into a diabetic coma is the only excuse for that face.

Back at the Detour, Kevin tells us that his dad is taking a really long time, but he’ll get it eventually.  There’s a backhanded compliment, pops!  Brook knocks down her first formation and does a booty dance for a bunch of local teenagers, ensuring that the bats aren’t the only wood around.  She quickly knocks down the second and the third formation as well, while Kevin groans, sighs, and flops around in the grass melodramatically, like the little bitch that he is.  When you make me prefer the Dick Trifecta of Nick, MC, and ND over you, you should just shoot yourself in the face.

MC/Stephanie have done an awesome job catching up, as they show up at the same time as Team Tats at the Detour.  Stephanie and Nick choose to participate, and Nick immediately knocks down all three formations in a row while Stephanie struggles and rubs her wrist, excuses for her suckitude already forming in her mind.  Also sucky is Kevin, who continues shit talking his father and offering encouraging words like, “Here come the other teams.  I’m BEGGING you to finish this” and “We’re going to get last place because of this!”  Seriously, if I were on the race, I would be in a Russian jail cell by now, but it would be SO WORTH IT.

At the Pit Stop, HSN checks in as the second place team (which is super impressive given that they had to double back to fix their rules violation), and Team Tats is seconds behind, checking in as the third team.  Wait a second– wasn’t Team Tats supposed to do a speed bump?!  What the hell happened with that?  So there was NO penalty from being saved from elimination last week?!?  Or was it even more boring than watching YouTube sit on ice blocks, and thus edited out?  I shudder to think of what could have been worse than that to end up on the cutting room floor.

Although dating this guy may be punishment enough for Vicki.

The last two teams arrive, and Notre Douche and Gary decide to participate.  They both excel right away, and Michael FINALLY knocks down the first formation.  Poor old guy’s probably about to keel over from all this exertion.  Stephanie also gets her first formation, but she’s moving way too slow as ND and Gary both get their third formations and both teams start making their way to the Pit Stop.  Kentucky checks in as team four, at least that’s what I think I hear in between all of Mallory’s hootin’ n’ hollerin’ in excitement.

This leaves us which quite the amusing bottom two teams — the choice between awful MC and the even more wretched Kevin — both of which have accumulated penalties, and both of which have NO idea that they’ve accumulated penalties.  Michael shocks everyone when he manages to knock down his second and third formations back to back, and YouTube runs off while MC cranks up his rage to a simmering boil.  Meanwhile, Jill and ND have still not checked in because they don’t have enough money to pay their cab driver — who reacts by trying to rip Jill’s backpack off her shoulders.  What he needs with a bag full of  hair extensions and low self esteem, I’ll never know.

But wait — another cabbie evidently needs a bag full of back issues of Juggs (you know it’s true) and flabbergasting parental disrespect, as Kevin’s driver tries to steal his bag as well.  Jill/ND throw their driver American money and finally check in as the fifth place team.  YouTube does the same, and begins running to the Pit Stop as Stephanie knocks down the third formation and her team decides to go to the Pit Stop, sans bags, in an attempt to avoid elimination.  Bwahahaha, are you guys in for a rude awakening.

“Noooo!  Not my boobie mags!  God, you’re worse than my DAD!”

OMG, this is even better than I’ve been gleefully waiting for.  So MC and Stephanie make it to the Pit Stop first, which isn’t that impressive seeing as though an infant can crawl faster than Michael can run.  I expect Phil to start in about their rule violation, but, wait — they’ve also violated ANOTHER rule by failing to pay their cabbie before trying to check in.  Thus, Phil sends them back out to the streets to pay and get their bags.  MC tries to stay positive, saying that there’s a chance they may not be eliminated, still with no CLUE what awaits them when they return.  Meanwhile, YouTube tries to check in as the sixth team, and Phil slaps them with not one, but two rules violations for the two illegal uses of a cab, and hands them 2 30 minute penalties!  Hahaha, suck it Kevin.  (Sorry Michael)

MC and Stephanie return, thinking that they can now check in, but as we all know, they definitely cannot.  Phil points out that they too violated a cab rule, but as they were only dumb enough to do it once, they only incur 1 30 minute penalty — which will elapse sooner than YouTube’s two penalties — thus making them the sixth place team.

And this gives us the glorious news that Team YouTube is eliminated!  YAAAAAY!  I have not been so happy to see someone eliminated on a reality TV show in a long, long time.  Maybe dating back to Ratalie on BB last summer.  She gives Kevin a run for his money in the awful department.  In their goodbye montage, Michael tells us that he’s learned a lot about his son, kindly leaving out that all of it has been negative.  He tells us that before the race, his son was like a stranger to him.  Poor Michael.  This race cost him that privilege.

“This race was important, for I love my son and it brought us closer together.”
“Ugh, are you done talking yet, Gramps?  I got better shit to be doing that sitting here listening to you run your trap.”

So what did you think?  Are you glad that YouTube is eliminated?  Are you rooting for the Hot Docs as much as I am?  And are you as confused by the lack of speed bump too?  See you next week!