Amazing Race: Domo Arigato Mommie Roboto

On the last episode we learned never to trust a gaysian, always wear underwear in Russia and drunken locals + flight attendants = awesome. So get your bottle of vodka and the nearest babushka – it’s AMAZING RACE time!!!

Margie and Luke depart first and discover they’re all going to India! Jai ho! Once in India they need to find a sacred tree. Wow. Isn’t EVERYTHING sacred in India? Good luck finding the right tree. I’m guessing it’s the one Ghandi peed on.

But Margie and Luke are NOT happy about India…

Luke gives the sign for “Smelly India”. Wow – a whole country summed up to the international sign for “Who farted?”

Victor is THRILLED that they’re flying to the “pink city” in India! Holla guuuurrrrl!!!! He said he’s glad this race has afforded him the chance to be more “out there”. Honey – you’re so “out there” I’m surprised you don’t shit glitter.

The Cheerleaders head off and immediately start bitching about the cold weather in Russia. Can’t wait for them to fall in love with the heat and smell of India.

Mike and Mel are excited to head off to India – as are the Lil’ Guys. Oh Lil’ Guys. They’re not 1 minute into the race and Mark starts off in the wrong direction. They also add that the girls are stiff competition because they’re taller. And they don’t have webbed feet. They end with “India? Maybe we’ll get a dot on our forehead while we’re there.” YIKES. So far we’re 0 for 2 with India and the racers.

Kisha and Jen at the 6th to head out. Kisha tells us that she’s glad her and Jen aren’t fighting as much. What a delightful set-up to what I’m sure will be a huge blowout.

BTW – At first I thought her brain was bleeding and then I realized there’s probably some India head painting something or other. Or it’s satan’s mark. We shall see.

Meanwhile, everyone at the airport is freaking out about the airline name:

Relax everyone… it means “Delta Ticketing” in Russian.

Christie and Jodi are the last to leave the pitstop. Jodi tells us about her daughter and how much she misses her. Hmmm – no mention of a hubby? I wonder which layover the daughter’s named after.

Teams then arrive in Jaipur, India. Christie makes a comment about the car horns all over the city – but I touched up her subtitles a bit (the sound was bad) so it would make more sense:

‘Nuf said.

Lil’ guys get a cab and Luke & Margie try to sweep in on it but they get their fists of fury going and explain to Margie & Luke that…

It’s our cahb! I’ll fightcha far it!

Side Note: Notre Dame sucks. GO EAGLES!

Mike and Mel run into their first cabbie problem. The guy runs off to find directions of where they need to go – meanwhile Mike & Mel’s luggage is trapped in the trunk and they have to wait for him. I was really hoping Mike would just walk around and yell, “CAN ANYONE HELP ME GET MY JUNK OUT OF THIS GUY’S TRUNK?!!”

The cabbie finally gets back and swears he knows how to get there. Mel then says, “This race is certainly not important enough to dehumanize someone by yelling at them.” WHAT?! Where did they find this guy?! First time THAT’S ever been said on a reality show! I’ll die if 10 min later the cabbie gets lost and Mel just loses his shit on the guy.

Meanwhile Jodi wants to know why their cabbie doesn’t “have a hurry button.” THERE WE GO! There’s the dehumanizing we’re used to! Thanks Jodi!

While Jodi tries to hold her face together the rest of the teams are admiring India on their cab rides. Jaime yells “Look at the monkeys, Cara!” Those are children, Jaime. CHILDREN.

Margie and Luke notice a cow eating trash. Turns out it was Jodi eating a Zone Bar but either way it was very disturbing.

The Lil’ Guys refer to the area they’re going through as “Slumsville”. CBS? Yeah – you’re gonna want to pick up line 3 – it’s the National Tourism Board of India – they are NOT happy.

Jaime freaks when she realizes there’s no Whole Foods OR Mac store anywhere near here. No seriously – she cries because of India’s extreme poverty – which apparently is the best time for CBS to remind us “Cold Case” is on next. Oh America.

Luke isn’t handling seeing the poverty too well. He sees some kids eating trash and starts bawling. Listen, it’s all very sad, for sure, but I saw a little movie this past year that assures me that they all end up winning “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” AND several Oscars. So… they’ll all be just FINE.

Meanwhile Victor is waving out the window to all of the kids like a jolly asshole. “HELLOOOO!” I can’t imagine what this village will think of Americans after this leg of the race. They then arrive at the next stop – the sacred tree – where there’s a red phone under it. Victor picks it up, starts dialing and immediately engages nuclear war with Pakistan. I kid, I kid. They call “Baboo” the cabbie over to translate the message. It’s a good thing too because Jackass Victor thought the message said “Valet Parking” when it really said, “Gaura Parvarti Parking.” I’d die if when he gets there he just threw his keys at the nearest guy in a vest.

The other teams finally arrive at the tree – to which Jaime says, “Doesn’t anyone see a damn tree?” About the sacred tree. Bitch is on a roll tonight. Next she’ll ask where the “fucking cows” are so she can slaughter and eat one.

They all finally find the tree but NO ONE sees the red phone! THANK GOD Kris wasn’t there. You just know he would’ve started to chop the tree down to look for it. All while Amanda screamed “Faster! I’m bored!”

Kisha is the first one to spot the phones and then… all hell breaks loose. Everyone takes about 2 seconds to listen to the message, promptly forget what it says exactly and then they run off to regurgitate to their cabbie where it said to go. Serious clusterfuck. Lil’ guys are the only ones who actually listen to it well…

I was about to say “That phone is HUGE!” and then I realized everything is in proportion.

The Flight Attendants are the last to find the tree but quickly find the phone.

Jodi immediately starts to spiel and ask everyone to remain seated with their seatbelts fastened.

Tammy and Victor arrive at Amber Fort where they discover a Road Block! In this Road Block: one team member must bring a certain amount of food and water to a herd of camels.

Side Note: There was a fucking twig sticking in the left nostril of this camel. Did anyone else see that?!

Victor decides to do it and grabs the tiny water pail and immediately starts filling it with the straw. Ugh. Really? No worries though…

He switches to the basket and then dumps the food all over himself. DOES ANYONE ON THIS RACE HAVE HALF A BRAIN?!!?

Meanwhile the other teams are tearing up the streets of India trying to beat each other to the challenge. Jen compares it to the Indy 500 and she’s not far off. Just trade hicks for camels and it works.

The teams arrive at the challenge and scatter every which way. I love how when there’s more than one team present in any location it triples the stress and chaos. They can NOT be around each other without panicking!

I just loved this shot and wanted to post it. RUN LIL GUY RUN!

Finally they all figure it out and start camel care-taking. Jaime, however, decides to berate the Indian gentlemen there by yelling at them to speak English and then yells, “YOU’RE ANNOYING ME!” OHHHH MYYYYY GOD. DONE. She officially just made my SHIT LIST. I hope a camel bites her face.

Meanwhile Mel is about to blow his hernia carrying buckets of water and Margie’s busting her ass as well. Luke calls her the “Bionic Mom”.

Yeah… I can see that.

Finally the FA’s arrive – way behind everyone else but they’re roughly 120 years younger than Mel and Margie so they could catch up.

Meanwhile one of the handlers gets the worst kind of camel toe. (BTW – Love that when the guy falls he grabs onto the camel’s balls – THAT won’t piss it off!)

Victor finishes and gets the clue for the next stop – a creepy puppet shop. They’re well in the lead. Especially with poor Mel who is desperately trying to finish. That guy is totally gonna croak. Mike says it’s hard for him to watch, and yet…

He’s smiling? SMILING. Mel outta walk over there and smack it off his face with the pail and/or his dislocated hip.

Mel keeps grunting like he’s gonna split up the middle. On the other hand, Margie and Kisha skip the hay baskets (morons)…

LADIES! Now is NOT the time to stuff your bras.

Ironically, Mel, on the brink of death, uses his BRAIN and uses the hay baskets.

Victor and Tammy arrive at the next Detour: Movers and Shakers. In movers they must transport giant drums of hay, via bicycle, then tear through them and find a tiny charm thingy. Uhhh NO. Next? Dress up in a funny Indian-style costume, put make-up on and parade around for tips. Honey – put me in!

AND OF COURSE Victor chooses to shake it.

You know he’s already got foundation on. Just a little powder, sir. Just a little blush.

Victor says he’s breaking the stereotypes of lawyers right now – yup – and jumping right into another one. Enjoy your Indian Pride Parade. He then goes on to say he felt no shame in begging for money. Duh. YOU’RE A LAWYER.

Back at the camel challenge, Mark is telling himself “Think smart, Mark!” while he piles the hay with the water bucket. DIDN’T ANYONE SEE MEL USE THE BASKETS?! For Christ’s sake – it’s not like Mel is STEALTH-LIKE!!!

How’s the street performance going you ask?

I hope there aren’t any objects around that are heavy enough to hurt and light enough to be thrown.

Kisha and Margie finally start using the baskets thanks to MEL. Airheads. Mel finishes first, collapses and dies in celebration. WHAT? Nope – still kickin’.

Everyone else finishes behind him and they all head off to the detour at the bazaar. In the cab, Jaime tells us that she has hay on her “boobies” from the challenge…

You say it’s “hay” I say it looks like eczema. Evil can really dry one’s skin out.

Lil Guy, Mark, finishes the camel-challenge with the FA’s close behind.

Victor and Tammy finally shake it enough to earn 100 rupees. Which after the current exchange rate is about $8,000 US dollars probably. Something like that. Their next clue is to go to the pit stop! Jaigarh Fort!

At the detour – Mike and Mel decide to “shake it”.

I hope that’s tanning powder. Ugh. Oh fuck it – just use cornstarch to blend his skin.

They quickly start to make money. Which is no surprise. That’s how all gays make money – dancing in the bars and on the streets. Am I right or am I right, MidWest??!!

So let me get this straight. They focused on India’s poverty this episode and what did they then teach them to do? BEG FOR MONEY FROM PEOPLE THAT NEED IT! TV is so down-to-earth. Thanks TV. You’re my fucking hero.

But wait! I just heard Mel say it’s for the Red Cross! So either he’s severely mislead OR there’s hope for humanity after all!!! Unfortunately I’m sure we’ll find out that it’s partly true – it’s for CBS’ new hit medical drama: “Red Cross“.

Jen says she has no problems dancing in the street with a horse. OMG. JEN! (She’s sitting RIGHT next to you… RUDE!!!)

They then do a PSA for Luke on why he “can’t dance” and was hiding behind Mom. It’s because he can’t hear the music. BULLSHIT! He was embarrassed and was letting her do all the work! I know PLENTY of deaf people that can dance!!! It’s blind people that can’t dance for shit.

Case in point. Someone please keep him behind the piano.

Side note: And can someone PLEASE give this kid some sunglasses a la Stevie Wonder?! I swear those eyes follow me wherever I am in the room.

The Cheerleaders have no problem raising money. But COME ON – like they’ve never danced for money before. They even get to do it with clothes this time. GEEZ.

Lil’ Guys decide to ride the bikes instead. That makes sense – do the most physical challenge. I hope those bikes have training wheels.

Christie and Jodi suddenly find their “Speed Bump” (their penalty for coming in last on the previous leg)!

How FANTASTIC would it have been if it read, “Lay down in the middle of this street. You are a SPEED BUMP.”

Instead they have to go to a temple and paint an elephant for an upcoming festival. OH! Totally easy for them. Did you see the make-up they apply to themselves everyday?! And it’s almost less surface area to cover too.

I should be kind – the FA’s are actually really sweet to the elephants. And I love elephants. I’m going to try and direct my rage towards the cheerleaders from here on out.

Up ahead at the pit stop – Victor and Tammy check in as TEAM ONE!

Wow. I really hope he doesn’t share that instrument with anyone. Gross. I kind of wonder if Phil dared him to stick them in his nose right before they filmed. Oh Phil.

They both win kayaks as their first place prize and exclaim, “They’re so useful in LA and San Franciso!” Am I missing the part where there’s a waterway lane on the freeway?

Cause if there was one in LA you know it’d look like this.

Mel and Mike finish dancing and head off while Margie is still shakin’ it with lipstick all over her teeth. Good lord. She really is such a mom.

For some reason Jodi starts thinking about and crying about her daughter while she’s painting the elephant. Jesus – what’s her daughter look like?

Oh. Ok. That makes sense then. I’m sure she’s got a great personality.

Kisha & Jen and the Cheerleaders finish dancing and run for their cabs. But the Cheerleaders can’t find their cabbie. To which Jaime screams, “WHERE DID HE GO?!!? SIGHTSEEING?!!?”

AND THE HELL SPLITS OPEN, THERE’S AN AWFUL PUTRID SMELL AND JAIME LOSES HER SHIT.

Hell hath no fury like a Cheerleader scorned.

Suddenly the cabbie appears and Jaime and Cara FREAK OUT on him and… wait for it…

Jaime HITS HIM on his back TWICE!!! WHAT A BITCH! I hope the cabbie drops them off in a shit area – preferably at the corner of “BEATDOWN” and “MUGME”.

Lil Guys make their way through on the bikes and start looking for the charm. They should be PROS at this…

Cause they’re always after their lucky charms! Go Lil Guys!

This was clearly the wrong challenge to do. Good luck finding that flippin’ charm. It’s getting close between them and the FA’s for last. The suspense!!!

Meanwhile Mel & Mike check in – Mel survived another leg! HE’S the Bionic Mom!!!

Everyone else checks in at the mat – Kisha & Jen, Margie & Luke and then the Cheerleaders. It’s a hot race between the Lil’ Guys and the FA’s!!!

AND it’s the LIL GUYS!!!! Team #6 by a leg!! A very short leg. Christie and Jodi come in right behind them and are ELIMINATED.

Phil asks what they came into this race to get. Uhhh… how about a million fucking dollars, Phil?!?! Oh… actually Jen says it was to help feel fulfilled and Jodi says it was to teach her daughter not to give up…

And not to get a checmical peel while in India. Sheesh.

And that’s it!!! Holy shit. SO much happened! Let me hear it folks! Thoughts?! Comments?! Love letters?! Hate mail?! DISH IT!!!