Amazing Race: Adultery: It Does a Relationship Good

Welcome back everyone! Last week was quite a doozie – violent body painting, double crossing, and most importantly, the Divorcees were divorced once again by… the AMAZING RACE! I can only hope it keeps gettin’ better – which it must because sometimes Tina’s a super bitch. (Anyone? Xtina? Anyone?)

Last week, Nick and Starr came in first… again. Phil asks, “Can anyone stop them?!” Yes. Two words: Tina and Shotgun.

Teams are now off to Almaty, Kazakhstan – marking the first AR trip to this country. Their first stop is a chicken factory where they will search for their next clue. Perfect – another chance for Terence to get Sarah bird flu.

Next to leave are Dallas and Toni. Dallas notes…

Fantastic. They’re in serious trouble if the next stop is France and he’s seen “Euro Trip”.

Meanwhile, the wonder twins and Ma & Hottie meet up to book their trip. Nick and Toni do all the work while Dallas & Starr play footsie in the background.

Toni: “Sigh… I guess this means my grandkids are going to be part hottie, part never-to-be-trusted.”

Starr yells at Dallas for not making eye contact. Wow – she’s smooth – berate the guy for not hitting on her within the first 5 minutes.

Back at the pit stop, Terence and Sarah are excited to find out their next destination. Wouldn’t be great if they read it and yelled, “Yeah! We’re going to…kazah…kazar…cazahari…ummm…the Middle East! Yeah!!!” They’re not in the car for 3 minutes when Terence starts stressing her out already. If this girls stays with this moron – I dare to say – she deserves him.

Ken & Tina and Andrew & Dad are close behind. They soon arrive at the airport and Nick bitches about it to Toni and Dallas. Toni replies, “Ok – well good for them if they figured it out. Come on.” WHAT?! That’s it – she’s totally won me over! They are officially my fav!

Ken and Tina get on the first flight with the first groups but Terence & Sarah and the Fat Frats get shafted into later flights.

The first 3 teams arrive at the chicken factory to find it doesn’t open until morning – soon Terence & Sarah catch up but by morning – still no Fat Frats. They’re just arriving at the airport. However their luck doesn’t change once they get in the cab…

You just know Dan was thinking “asian” when he said “clueless”.

Soon the gates to the chicken factory open and it’s mad dash to the clue box. And… WTF?! Fat Frat Dan beats Nick in a foot race!!! WHAT?!?! Shame Nick! Luckily for Nick he wins in the end by ripping the first clue out of Dan’s hands. YOINK! I’d love to see Nick do that to Tina. She’d take the clue right back along with half of his arm.

In this Road Block – teams must search through a shed of 3,000 chickens to find one of 7 golden eggs. This could only be better if they had to fight off Veruca Salt for a golden egg and/or an Oompa Loompa.

I’m going to have a special t-shirt made for Sarah, “Loveless“.

While Terence & Sarah and Nick & Starr race to the Fast Forward, Dan & Andrew decide that because it’s too hard to beat them – they’ll just do the regular challenge. That’s it boys – if you can beat ‘em – then… let them beat you?

Andrew, Mama Toni and Tina all go golden egg hunting. Toni really seems to enjoy it since she’s clucking away like… a mother hen. HEY OH! And Tina likes it because she can finally feast on live chickens without roaming through farms in the dead of night.

Toni finds an egg first and her and Dallas get their next clue – travel by crane truck to the Koktobe Arch where they’ll meet a Mongol Warrior. I don’t know if they’re spacing it out for TV or what – but before the other teams even GET to the fast forward – these teams have all found their golden eggs. Uh oh.

At the Fast Forward teams must eat a whole bowl of ass fat from a sheep. I would’ve gotten there and been like “Oh. Well good luck to you all – let’s get the fuck back in the car and find a golden egg.”

So… this is a sheep head. And honestly, I thought it was disgusting too. But THEN… THEN I noticed the leaf of lettuce underneath it. Ooohh – it’s all about presentation. That’s either the world’s worst garnish or the world’s worst salad.

Even though Terence starts whining about being a vegetarian, he finally buckles in and starts eating some ass. Wow – he’s really good at it too. (What? WHAT?!!)

Ummm… have you MET your boyfrend?! You’re either severely delusional or there’s a mouse in your pocket called “Babe”.

I have to admit – the shit they’re eating is disgusting. It’s one thing to eat something that you can at least think “Well, it’s nourishing” but it’s another to think “Not only is this not healthy for me – it’s going to give ME ass fat.” Why can’t it ever be a challenge of “Eat 30 pints of Haagen Dazs”? I’d love that. I swear I’d be there arguing over who got to eat the last pint.

Back on the mountain top, Dallas and Toni finally find the Mongol warriors (after Dallas carries his Mom’s bag up the hill…awwww!).

And ummm – that does not look like a Mongol warrior. Wait… is that Jeff Probst?! Survivor’s doing that bad, huh?

And then a giant eagle swoops up to deliver the clue! Best part – you hear it make those classic screeching noises at the same time as its mouth is completely closed. Oh post-production – you and your trickery.

Hopefully Terence will have to come back to do this. I’d pay money to see this thing pick him up by his nappy hair and drag him off.

The next clue: DETOUR: Play Like Mad or Act Like Fools! In Play Like Mad, teams learn how to play a Kazakh tune on 2 instruments and run to the park to play for tips. In Act Like Fools… Terence wins. Sorry – ok in Act Like Fools, teams have to dress up in a cow costume and find a glass of milk and then a butcher shop. Hilarity will ensue when the half-blind butcher mistakes the team for a real cow.

Toni and Dallas jump on the chance to be the cow and Ken and Tina are close behind. The Fat Frats are (of course) in the process of getting lost. If these two pull ahead I’ll be supremely impressed.

Back at the Cafe du Ass Fat, Starr is scarfing down her bowl while Terence is gagging away. Sarah tries to encourage him but with Terence there is no will and there is no way. Terence and Sarah give up and make a run for it while Nick and Starr celebrate the fact that they’ll be cramping and shitting their brains out for the next 4 days.

Terence and Sarah’s cab ride back to the chicken factory is aaaawkward! I love that Terence says “We messed up – well – I messed up.” Damn skippy! And Sarah just sits there. UGH! Come on Sarah! That was your one chance to scream, kick, punch and push him out of a moving car! Beat the ass fat out of him!

Back at the restaurant, although Nick and Starr are about to blow, they finish the ass fat, hop in a taxi and head off to the pit stop.

I love the look the cabbie gives them, “Oh hell no – if you two blow ass fat all over this cab, I will not only pull over, I will set fire to it and leave you for dead. That shit does not come out of cloth interiors.”

Meanwhile the Fat Frats are STILL lost and driving the crane truck around. WTF is the deal with the crane trucks anyways? How do they fit in?! Dan gets angry and immediately starts yelling and whining about everything while Andrew just chuckles at him. Dan replies, “This is no laughing situation!” And then Andrew missed his chance to push someone out of a moving vehicle. Does Dan remind anyone else of a spoiled, angry, little Napoleon?

Dan then looks down from the truck and asks people on the street for directions…

“Helloooo! You stoopeed Kazakians! You are such hoorrribeel peepul!”

The best part is that he really does call them “horrible people”.

Back at the chicken factory, Sarah is trying to find a golden egg while Terence uselessly yells from the sidelines. IF they did win this race I hope they split it 90/10. Sarah takes the time to politely ask each chicken to move. It’s almost as if she’s a pro dealing with brainless and dumb animals.

Luckily Dan and Andrew finally find a woman to help them…

Once the driver explains what he’s looking for, the lady then tells him where he can dump 2 dead bodies that will never be found again.

Back at the pit stop, Nick and Starr check in first… AGAIN. Damn it! It’s not that I hate them – but just ONCE I’d love for Toni and Dallas to win something – ANYTHING. Like a nice new blouse for mom and… I don’t know… maybe ummm… speedos and body oil for Dallas… or a hat. Or something.

At the Children’s Puppet Theatre, Dallas and Toni put on the cow costume (Mom’s the ass!) and head out while Ken and Tina arrive right behind them. Tina declares herself the “navigator” and that she can “generally see things better”. That’s Tina’s way of saying, “I’m a total fucking control freak.” Once they have it on, Ken tries to have some fun and “Moo’s” while Tina yells “If you don’t calm down we’ll never get this done!” This bull has been neutered.

Meanwhile Toni and Dallas are having a jolly old time – mooing and dancing as they go. And then Dallas encourages his Mom, “Be a good ass!” Wow. Alright Oedipus, take it down a notch. You’re mother could be watching this.

On the other hand, Ken and Tina…

“Which way do we go?!” “Kenny stop it!” “Don’t Push!” “Stop cheating on me!” “Waaaah!”

The Fat Frats are back at the mountain and are still trying to find the Mongols. Dan tries to run ahead but Andrew is a lil’ tubbier and a lil’ slower. Andrew asks Dan to walk with him “as a team” and Napoleon responds, “Well if you’d work harder maybe you could do it” and “There’s no excuse for you not to be quicker!” How Andrew didn’t then crush Dan’s skull with his bare hands is beyond me. I hope Andrew is the ass of the cow so he can push the front end in front of a bus.

Toni and Dallas bypass the milk stand while Ken and Tina get to it first:

I’d like to call this a “Make Your Own Caption!” Write in the comments below what you think the caption of this photo should be! This works better than getting fired for what I would’ve written.

My favorite moment so far – Tina sees Dallas and Toni coming towards them in the cow costume and says, “There’s another team. Isn’t that a team?” NO TINA. EVERYONE IN KAZAKHSTAN DRESSES UP LIKE A FUCKING COW AND WANDERS THE STREETS.

And apparently she’s dumb enough to miss the clue on the bottom of the glass since they then walk off after not finding the clue. On the other hand, Dallas and Toni drink, get the clue and are off. Tina finally figures it out and before Ken has a chance to say “GOOD THING YOU WERE THE FUCKING NAVIGATOR TINA!” he fucks up royally by saying, “OK – Back to the costume department.” NOOOOOO!!! (They’re suppose to go straight to the butcher.)

Andrew and Dad finally find the Mongols and although the eagle doesn’t take Dan off to feed its young with him – I know it was thinking about it. Too much ass fat for baby birds though. In the car on the way to “Act like Fools” (No one chose “Play Like Mad” – booo – those poor music teachers are still standing there waiting for them), the Fat Frats fight over who will be the ass of the cow. Dan insists the “bigger guy” should be in the back because of “weight distribution”. WHAT?! This is a cow costume you douche-nozzle – not a fucking flume ride at Disneyland.

And did anyone else notice that Dallas and Toni had the only visible udder? Either that or Mom’s hemorrhoids are acting up again. Yikes.

Toni and Dallas get the clue and head off but not before running into Tina and Ken and telling them they need to be wearing the cow outfit! Such good samaritans! Toni: “Dallas, we shouldn’t have told them! We’re idiots!” Ahh yes. But the sweetest, kindest idiots on this show.

Terence and Sarah, still way behind, finally reach the mountain and get the clue. They might have a chance though as everyone in front of them keeps fucking up.

Dallas and Toni check in and are Team #2! Back at the meat market, Tina and Ken finally get the clue and head for the park. Thanks to KEN, who READS THE CLUE, they walk on foot – not by taxi – to the park and find themselves checking in as Team #3.

The Fat Frats finally get someone to help them find the milk cart and butcher store while in the cow costume. This is only after Dan screams at everyone they meet. Obama should really look at him for Secretary of State. Thanks to their helper they make it all the way to the butcher stop and then take a cab to the pit stop. I SERIOUSLY DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE FUCKING PEOPLE DON’T READ THEIR CLUES!!!! They make it to the pit stop and Phil makes them go alllll the way back.

And of course Fat Frat Napoleon throws a temper tantrum. This guy is priceless. I half think he expects Phil to say, “Alright fine – but just this once – and no dessert for dinner – ok – just a little.”

So the Fat Frats jump back into the taxi, to go back to the butcher, to walk back. HAHAHAHA. That’s great.

Terence and Sarah finally make it to the butcher and I’m severely disappointed that the butcher didn’t switch out for this guy:

There we go Terence – put your forehead right there – yup all the cows do it – just hold on one sec and.. BWAM!

It’s now a race between the Fat Frats and Terence and Sarah. Who will suck the least? Who can out fuck-up each other in these final moments?!? The Fat Frats do a great job by wasting time to bicker about who has more patience with the other while Terence and Sarah get lost for the 53rd time that day.

And it’s…. the fat frats!!! Team #4! Baby got his way! Terence and Sarah check in right after them and are… (Phil takes a 5 minute pause) ELIMINATED! Booo! My favorite team to bash is finally gone. All because Terence wouldn’t eat some fucking meat.

Sarah says she only hopes that Terence will be able to forgive himself and let losing go. That’s sweet of you to hope for that Sarah but… RUN!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AND RUN!!!! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?!?! RUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!!

And that’s it! Not as good as last week but still a fun episode. Come on everyone and DISH IT!