Amazing Race: Angkor WHAT?!

Happy Election Day everyone! A little treat to take everyone’s mind off the hectic election day – last week’s AMAZING RACE recap! This past Sunday’s will be up soon. I know – i know – I’m awesome. Hee hee. bBitz in ’12! My campaign slogan for my second term would be “Because I didn’t have enough time to do shit the first time around.”

In the previous episode, teams raced around Bolivia with Ken & Tina coming in first (even after Ken tried to chuck her from atop New Zealand’s highest tower) and the poor, sweet blondes came in last. But most importantly, they came in first in Phil’s Dad’s book.

Teams are off to Cambodia! Ken & Tina still say they’re getting along well (as long as they’re winning)…

And Ken almost ruins the good will when he calls himself and Tina, “an old man and an old woman.” I love the look on Tina’s face. It’s old.

Kelly & Christy declare they’re actually really smart but they’ve gotten “caught up” in things. Yeah – I hate it when other things happen. How are you suppose to “read directions” when there are other things happening. Why can’t everyone just be quiet while they form words aloud! It’s just not fair!

Prayer becomes a big player again. Tina “prays” that Terence and Sarah don’t make the first flight and what happens?!

Terence gets pulled over! Surprisingly only for speeding – apparently douchbaggery is still legal in New Zealand.

Dallas and Toni are off now too. Dallas admits he doesn’t know where Cambodia is. Has anyone else noticed that this guy never knows where ANY country is?! I’m almost afraid he’ll make it to the end of the race, only to scream, “Usah?!?! Where the fuck is Usah?!”

Terence and Sarah make a mad dash to catch up to Ken and Tina. You can just see the glee pour over Sarah’s face when she says she can’t wait to see Tina’s face when they make it onto the plane. I’m sure Sarah will feel otherwise when she turns to stone.

Best part – they make a run for the plane and…

Terence can whine faster than he can run. This guy is a running trainer folks! I assume lesson #1 is: “When the race starts, start off at slow pace and yell to the people ahead of you, ‘Hey guys! Wait up!’ Works every time.”

Meanwhile, Starr’s arm is doing better and isn’t nearly as painful as Dan’s personality. Dan gets all snooty with Andrew about not knowing where Cambodia is and Andrew fires back “Well I didn’t go to a fancy private school.” YEAH! This would’ve played out much better if Dan said this to Dallas and Dallas made Dan eat his own teeth.

Back at Flight Centre, the Divorcees and Toni/Dallas are booking flights at the same time.

And the Divorcees like totally get all “Mean Girl” on him! An 80′s movie reference?!? OUCH! BUURRRRNNN!!! They’re like the love-child of the Olsen twins and Lindsay Lohan.

Dallas calls them out and says “They think they’re God’s gift – I wonder what they look like when they don’t paint their faces in the morning.” OH SNAP! Now there’s a zinger! Dallas – 1, Divorcees – 0! I love how Toni looks the proudest while he comes out with that!

Meanwhile, Aja and Ty are getting along again. Ty even says he’s choose Aja over a Porsche. Wow. Now THERE’S a game show I’d like to watch. They’d just keep offering the guy shit until he yells the catchphrase, “DUMP THE BITCH!” I’m SO today’s Merv Griffin!

Dan and Andrew don’t make it in time to the flight center but are actually smart enough to run to the gate and get on the flight with everyone else. Unfortunately Ty should have traded Aja in for the Porsche – they might’ve made it fast enough to get on the plane.

All teams (except Aja and Ty) make it to Cambodia and immediately scramble for taxis. And of course once they all make it to the taxis they all berate the taxi drivers. Ahhh – Amazing Race providing American ambassadors to the world. I swear by season 15 of this show there’ll be a world-wide taxi union that will refuse to cart any AR contestants around.

Don’t worry though – the drivers get even by dropping people off at the wrong location.

And apparently the Divorcees get dropped off in the middle of an outbreak. Suckers. Either that or their perfume is as nauseating as I would guess.

The teams must now fill a truck with a tank of gas by using a hand pump. I wonder if this would cut down on gas costs in the US if we pumped by hand. I’d just love to see asshole’s with Hummers standing there for an hour furiously pumping away.

Nick and Starr finish first and must ride in the back of the truck to Siem Reap Harbor – on Cambodia’s largest lake. They must then take a boat to a floating restaurant! Oooh!!! Something tells me they won’t be eating surf n’ turf.

Side note: Nick and Starr ask the guy if he knows where he’s going. Good idea. BUT WOULDN’T IT HAVE BEEN MORE IMPORTANT TO ASK, “SHOULD I BE WEARING ONE OF THOSE HELMETS AS WELL?!?!” Nope – they just hope right in. Off to Skullscrackville please!

Other teams arrive to the gas station right behind them. Dallas and Toni finish first while Tina breathes down Ken’s neck and the Fat Frats say something like “WAAAAAHHH!!! WHY’S EVERYTHING SO HAAAAARD!!!”

The Fat Frats go to Ken for help and he says “It’s just like pullin’ the zipper down and lettin’ her flow boys!” WOW. If the Fat Frats just go back to their pump and just take a leak on it I’ll friggin die laughing.

Meanwhile everyone, including the Divorcees, figure it out just fine. Soon the Fat Frats figure out what they were doing wrong. Turns out they had to pump FAST. Yup. That’s it. Sadly for them some of these roadblock’s require more energy than a game of Wii.

My favorite quote so far: Nick: I wish we could pull down some trees behind us to slow down the other trucks. Nick – 1, His Soul – 0.

The teams are all racing to the lake in the trucks now. This pretty much seems like one of the most unsafe things I’ve seen on this show. The trucks are flying by each other while the teams just teeter on the back of them.

Terence and Sarah manage to take the lead since Sarah inexplicably knows the word for “FAST!” in Cambodian. Now she just needs to learn, “Please bury my boyfriend in that forest over there. I give you 2 kisses now. Thank you.”

Back at the gas station – Dan reaches levels of annoyance not yet seen by modern times. And Aja and Ty still haven’t arrived. They’re screwed.

Teams arrive at the lake and hop into the boats. Tina’s head splits open as she screams at Ken to make the boat driver go faster. Ken’s too busy explaining Tina’s cement shoe-size to the guy to hear her. Then Nick and Starr blow by them and yell “BYE MOM AND DAD!” Ken looks like he’s going to start cutting himself.

As the Divorcees speed through the Cambodian waterway – they notice the poverty around them. And quickly blow by little kids floating in the water in large saucers:

I hope these are the woks the teams will be eating out of at the restaurant.

Meanwhile, Terence and Sarah lose their lead when their boat BREAKS DOWN! And Terence struggles to paddle the rest of the way – awesome!

“When the moon hits your eye – spend time with me – you’ll wanna die – that’s amore!”

When the other teams arrive at the restaurant they find a DETOUR! VILLAGE LIFE – Teams use their boats to pick up 3 items. (boring) VILLAGE WORKER – They have to go IN the water to retrieve fish baskets and turn them in. Oh. FUUUUUUCK THAT. I can’t wait to see who’s brave enough to do that one.

RYAN AND STARR DO IT!? DALLAS AND TONI?! Are these people NUTS?!

As the Divorcees blow by yet another group of children they exclaim:

Meanwhile the kids are saying “I can’t believe they let stupid Americans out here. 10 bucks says they break their boat and get malaria.”

Once Nick/Starr and Dallas/Toni jump in the water for the fish, they all start freaking out and bitching – EXCEPT MOM!

And this is why Toni wins player of the day! Toni for VP in 2012!

Ken and Tina scramble to do “Village Life”. bBitz Trivia Time! How many times did I want Tina crack her head on this beam?!

The answer?! Exponential! I’m still watching and STILL laughing my ass off.

Something must be wrong with me because I actually start to feel bad for Terence and Sarah because their boat still won’t work. All I need is Terence to ask Sarah to touch him so I can go back to hating them.

By the way – high point of this episode:

I’m just saying.

Ken and Tina steam ahead and get through “village life”. While the Divorcees totally fuck up, miss the clue box and start “Village Life”. At what point do you think these two will READ THE FUCKING DIRECTIONS ON ANYTHING?

Nick and Starr get done first and are off in tut-tut’s to Angkor Wat! Cool! I was hoping they’d go there. I thought for sure it’d be the pit stop though.

Aja and Ty are WAY behind. It’s pretty obvious they’re gonna get eliminated.

The Divorcees arrive at one of their “Village Life” stops to pick up “teeth” and for a second think that it’s this woman’s:

“OHHHH MYYYYY GOD… They’re not even whitening them.”

Luckily for this woman the girls spot the fake teeth they’re supposed to get.

ROAD BLOCK! Once teams arrive at Angkor Wat they need to find a hidden room, make a thumping sound that echos and then they get their next clue.

Nick takes the challenge and Ken passes it over to Tina (wisely so – you know she’d be ripping his balls off if he f-ed this one up). Soon Terence/Sarah and Dallas/Toni arrive and follow. Nick speeds through and is the first out.

Meanwhile – the Divorcees are on their way and bitch about how people need to be “scared” of them and people need to “recognize”. They say this as they’re in 5th place. Awesome.

Tina’s having a hard time finding anything in the temple and just wanders around thumping her empty chest.

She’s also furious to learn there’s no concierge OR day spa! WTF?!

Back at base Ken is freaking out that he let Tina do this one on her own. I don’t know why – she’s doing a great job of getting lost and crying about it. Finally she gets it though.

Nick and Starr come in FIRST and win a bunch of shit! Yeah!

Back at Angkor Wat, the Fat Frats declare…

It is! And ironically – both places contain the same amount of hot girls that would want to sleep with you.

Terenece/Sarah and Dallas/Toni check in. I’m still rooting for Dallas/Toni to win one of these legs!

The Fat Frats finally complete the road block but have little to worry about. I’m pretty sure Ty and Aja are roughly 5-6 days behind. Best reaction – the Divorcees SHIT BRICKS to find out they’re FIFTH. HAHAHAHA!!! Love it. I thought they were gonna gut Phil right there.

And then… came… Aja and Ty. Last place – eliminated – but they declare their love to each other and all is well. Except for losing a chance at a million dollars. That parts gotta blow.

Before the episode closes we get a side note: because Terence and Sarah got a speeding ticket, they’ll get penalized 30 minutes in the next leg. Hmmm… funny how that got brought up LATER. I bet they tried to keep THAT a secret! Treachery!

That’s it folks! What’d you think?! It’s gettin’ good! I’ll have the next episode up in the next 24 hours! until then… DISH IT!!!