It’s back everyone! The show that can give us faith in humanity and then promptly rip it away! Sometimes it gives it back again, but mostly it just stops and takes a bathroom break at the worst possible moment. (I’ll never let that one go.) Ladies and gentlemen… it’s “THE AMAZING RACE“!!!
We begin in the beautifully congested city of Los Angeles as the official Amazing Race Bus transports teams to the start line…
This was totally going to be a stretch hummer until the recession hit. Damn you, recession!!!
English Reg 12 As the teams spryly jump off the bus we are introduced to who they are and why we should immediately love ‘em or hate ‘em. First up…
Brent and Caite: Team Such As
Oh boy. I’m sure you’ve all seen the youtube clip. Caite is known for being the Ms Teen USA contestant that answered with the horrendous “Like…such as…maps…South Africa…The Iraq” comment. It was also the first ever recorded instance of Mario Lopez being left speechless. She has nothing to worry about though. I’m sure the race will help people overlook that mistake and move on to the new horrifically stupid things she’ll be saying here. Oh – she’s also racing with this guy, Brent. He’s a model. Oy. He’s bland but I’m sure he smells good. Let’s just call him “Toast”.
Oh “Toast”. He’s just that edible.
Jet and Cord: Team Get ‘Er Done!
Jet and Cord are gay lovers and liberals from San Francisco— I kid, I kid. They’re , of course, cowboys and brothers from, of course, Oklahoma. After reading their bios they sound like the sweetest, most innocent team ever to run the race. Oh dear. I honestly get anxiety over when teams like this will self-destruct, curse God and push their team mate into a speeding bus.
Steve and Allison AKA Jon Voight and Shenae Grimes
Steve is a professional baseball coach and Allison is his daughter. He’s hoping to make up for being absent from her life 7 months a year for baseball.
I’m guessing a baseball to the face should do it. Thanks, Dad!
Dan and Jordan: Team Lover Brothers
Jordan’s gay and Dan’s just their to hold the collection of purses that come a flyin’ out of Jordan’s mouth. It seems as if Jordan will be the resident lovable drama queen / snarky bitch and Dan will be there to (hopefully) ground him. I got 10 to 1 odds that one of the Cowboys makes Jordan eat that bandana by season end.
Dana and Adrian: Team Cuteness
It’s teams like this that warm your heart and then break it in two when they lose. They say they have a good shot because they’ve learned from their mistakes, like how they poured all of their savings into a project of Dana’s that failed miserably. I might die laughing if the first challenge is to put together an investment portfolio.
Jeff and Jordan: Team 16th Minute
So apparently some people get a lil’ more than 15 minutes of fame in their lifetime. These two are from “Big Brother” (Jordan won) and go against my preference of a) Reality stars sticking to their own shows and b) Not having repeat names on the same show… JORDAN. Not to mention she’s the 2nd dumb blonde. How is it our country is an overflowing melting pot of people and yet we get the same thing every show? Hey Casting – think outside her box!
Fantastic. Team Trotters all over again. Next season should star Flavor Flav.
Jody & Shannon: Team Before and After
First of all, this was my favorite intro since you can watch Shannon’s dismay as she realizes her boobs are headed that far south one day. Jody seems like a lively spirit though and I’m sure we’ll all feel bad when she breaks a hip jumping on the mat at the finish. Although she HAS run several marathons. And even if they were all downhill, in the shade and in 1942, she’s still got it!
Louie and Michael: Team Private Dicks
Best friends and detectives. It’s like it should be its own reality show. These two are already bold enough to say they’re gonna win every leg of the race because they’re detectives. Ummm, you’re no last season’s “Team Master Race” and…
How hard can it be to bust down the door of a shack with a video camera pre-installed? I’m guessing they knew you were coming. It’s always a give away to the druggies when a “COPS” PA shows up and asks them to sign a waiver.
Monique and Shawne: Team Mom-preneurs
They actually referred to themselves as “Mom-preneurs” which is Mom and Entrepreneurs. In order to save time and space I’ll be shortening it to “Team Ma-neurs.” That works, right? Anyways, they seem cool and sassy. They’re definitely the shit. GET IT? Sorry ladies. Last time. Promise. Ma-neaur.
Joe and Heidi: Team Zzzzzz…
There’s one every season and I’m pegging them to be the boresville married couple. I hope I’m wrong. With any luck Joe is a raging asshole who’s addicted to meth as much as he seems to be addicted to face creams and lip gloss. Lil’ shine there, Joe. Lil’ shine.
Carol and Brandy: Team Lipstick
Apparently they’re both lipstick lesbians since they consistently mentioned they’re “princesses” and “love Louis Vuitton”. Fun fact: In their bios, Carol says that Brandy is a “biter”. Right before she says she is passionate about Equal rights. Perfect. Good luck explaining the term “biter” and why gays deserve to marry to middle-America.
And now it’s finally time for “THE AMAZING RACE“!!!!
Good ol’ Phrozen-in-time-Phil welcomes us to the race and announces that the teams’ first task is to take PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION to LAX!!! HAHAHAHAHA… If I was in the race I would’ve been like, “Fuck this.” and gotten back on the “Amazing Race” bus.
Phil raises his hand and then sends everyone out to begin! Team Lipstick immediately starts bitching that they’re used to valet. Great – the race hasn’t even started and they’re already wanting to park it somewhere. Meanwhile the Cowboys tell us that the only light in their hometown is a blinking yellow. I’d hate to be a homo crossing the street in their hometown.
Most teams end up figuring out the quickest way (something called the FlyAway) but Team Ma-neur stops to ask some black people they see in a car.
Ironically, this is the same thing the people in the car said.
I’m amazed that everyone they ask KNOWS how to get there! If I was downtown and someone asked me how to get to LAX I’d been like, “Uhhh take a taxi? Walk? Get on a bus and tell them it’ll explode if they go under 60mph and don’t head to LAX?”
Team Granny makes quick friends with Team Private Dicks and she even promises a homemade meal. They actually flirt a bit. Oh dear. I have a feeling he’ll be enjoying some of Granny’s homemade muffin.
Meanwhile Team Brother Lovers is ecstatic that Ms. Teen is on the race. Jordan, of course, gays out an impression of her flub.
Some of the teams take the metro while others take the FlyAway bus. It appears as if the bus people may be in the lead. I’ve lived here for 8 years and couldn’t even tell you where either of these routes are. Honestly, I think they lead to the second star to the right or something.
Already the Big Brother couple’s making friends. How sweet.
No worries though – Team Lipstick threatens they’ll break someone’s leg. Now there’s that American mentality everyone’s excited to share with the world! Go Yankees!
The bus arrives to LAX first and teams rush in to purchase tickets to…
Uhhh… actually China. So let’s go ahead and add “Countries” to “Time” under weaknesses for Team Big Brother. I’m sure these won’t affect anything. It’s just a RACE around the WORLD.
The metro people arrive shortly later and all get tickets on the second flight along with Team Lipstick. Jordan takes advantage of the downtime by reminding everyone of Ms. Teen’s follie. He’s a great guy. Hopefully the position of Satan’s publicist will be open for him after the race.
The Cowboys use their free time to exchange money. Great idea! So they go get BRAZILIAN money for their trip to CHILE. Oh fuck me. It’s gonna be a LONG SEASON.
Team Dicks, unexpected gossip-mongers, take the time to tell Miss Teen that the lesbians were making fun of her. That’s unfair. EVERYONE has made fun of her. The lesbians were just trying to fit in. And it’s like in 3rd grade when you’d make fun of the kid you had a crush on.
Team Lipstick also mentions that they’d love to see the first flight have a “MAJOR mechanical failure”. WOW. That’d be awesome if this was like “Final Destination” and the plane exploded right then and a turbine took her out.
Ironically enough, there IS a mechanical failure on the first flight and it’s delayed! You KNOW that lesbian was out there with her tool belt whacking away at it!
Teams scramble to find an alternate flight and end up on the same one as the others. I wonder how much the producers paid to have the first flight delayed. Ahhh forced suspense!
“Just Ms. Teen and Jordan, respectively.”
All teams finally arrive in Santiago, Chile where they must head towards Valparaiso and its famous funiculars for their next clue.
Teams run from the airport and dash for the bus to Valparaiso. Everyone hops on except for the Cowboys who try to pay with BRAZILIAN money.
“Ok… but do you take Diner’s Club? Japanese Credit Bureau? Costo Card? How about a partially used tin of dip?”
Team Big Bro and Team Models (Such As) take taxis and arrive at the first ROAD BLOCK!
“Great. And where do I pick up my nutsack and other groin organs if I slip?”
They have to walk the length of a football field (or 4 runways for Ms Teen/Jordan) on the wires. Ms. Teen actually does a good job of shimmying across first. Luckily it didn’t require a map. Meanwhile Girl Jordan is right behind her. Wow. Who would’ve thought the blondes would be in the lead?
Following right behind them, Dan (Team Bro Lover) and Brandy (LEZ Miserable) join in on the fun. Speaking of fun, Brent’s excited to take a ride in one of the “funiculars”.
Dan slips and just about loses a nut while bro Jordan yells for him to “Zshusz up a little!” Apparently Jordan’s a 90 year old Jewish grandma.
Brandy is FREAKING out but hangs in there while Shawne keeps praying “God is with me!” Girl, you better hope God doesn’t get too close or it means you brained yourself on the streets below.
Out of all the racers, Dana, hubby of Adrian, is swinging the lowest. Poor guy. He’s making the wire look like a smiley face.
The Models finish but misread their clue and walk down instead of taking the “funicular” that they’ve about the whole time. Do you think they hand out pot brownies laced with Vicodin every morning to the teams?
Soon they reach their next challenge…
Sponsored by the Chilean Government it’s called, “Be our Bitches!”
Teams must paint the famous colored houses in the area. While the pretty people argue about which houses to paint, the other teams begin to complete the wire challenge and catch up. Brandy passes and is huffing and puffing like she just finished resurfacing an antique table for a weekend home. Which I’m sure she’s NEVER done before.
She comment’s “You can’t believe how hard that was!” That’s what she said!!! Oh… wait a minute. No it’s not. Damn it.
Teams then try to find the right houses to paint. The BEST part about this is they’re totally gonna start painting the wrong shit. I hope the Chilean version of “COPS” is rushing to the scene now. They’re gonna get great footage of Jordan taking a paint brush up the pooper by some irate Chilean guy with a freshly painted magenta-colored house.
One by one teams find their houses and start slopping the paint on. They only have to do a small square though! WTF?! Lame! It should’ve been a whole wall of paint-by-number Monet.
Once teams complete their paint job, they must proceed to the race’s first pit stop! It’s an old chalet and home to Chile’s oldest and largest sea bass. (Just a guess but I mean, they’re big there, so probably true.)
To my TOTAL shock, Team Models and Team Big Brother are the lead and head towards the check point. Well, with any luck, the Wizard will be there with Phil to greet them all with a brain.
Back on the wire, Big Louie and Big Dana are still waddling across. Hopefully they’ll just pull the two side’s closer together. I have an odd feeling Phil is going to be climbing up to the wires to say, “We gotta go… so uhhh… can we have your fanny pack and uhhh… best of luck. Byeeee”
Up ahead at the mat… would you believe it?! Team Big Brother finishes FIRST?!!? UGH! Ridic. They win a trip to Vancouver too! I hope they’re there now so they’re buried in a bunch of tourists who don’t know who they care. Except for the Germans. They love shit like this. Das GOOD!
Team Models check in 2nd but because they failed to take the funicular, they need to take the 30 minutes. Which is perfect because Ms Teen needs to run through her alphabet once…
“I just know I packed a dictionary!” “FML.”
Meanwhile, the Ma-neurs are making more fun comparisons to the lord Jesus Christ. They have to carry a ladder up some stairs. Apparently this is ALMOST the same thing as carrying a big cross and getting nailed it. You gotta love their perspective!
Up at the painting challenge, Steve and Allie are on the verge of getting arrested. They’re TOTALLY painting the wrong house!
Extreme Home Make Over: Murder Edition
Team Ma-neurs find their house and paint away while the Cowboys finally finish the wire-walking. Team Ma-neurs actually checks in 2nd, ahead of Team Model Face!
Meanwhile, Team Brother Lovers is panic-shitting because Dan lost one of the brushes and Jordan is NOT happy…
“YOU lost the brushes and I STILL have to put on 3 cans of liquid foundation! Now we’ll NEVER get there!”
Team Granny finishes the wire challenge, leaving Dana behind. It doesn’t look good for those two. You gotta give Adrian credit for not screaming obscenities at him and setting one end of the rope on fire.
Team Dicks (shocker) paint the wrong wall and then keep looking. Although the Cowboys were way behind, they’re able to catch up and check in. Team Brother Lovers check in but receive a 15 minute penalty for losing a brush! That seems a little harsh. Yikes. I guess the budget’s gotten a little tight. CBS is really cracking down on shit. Keep an eye out for Phil wearing the same outfit at every pit stop.
Next up, Allie & Steve and Joe & Heidi all check in. Team Lipstick checks in right behind them and FINALLY Team Models is able to check in as team #7 and Team Brother Lovers finally gets to check in right after them. And then, the smell of earl grey tea and mothballs fill the air as Granny checks in with her daughter.
And that leaves…
There’s no time for high kicks Dana! Pull it together!
Yup – you guessed it. For the first time that I can remember in a first episode, Phil shows up where the final contestants are to break the good news to them… “You don’t have to try anymore! Yeah! You’re cut. Pack your shit…. Yeah!!!”
Adrian is really sweet to her husband and says that she loves him no matter what. Clearly no one’s mentioned the prize money to her.
SO that’s it! This recap too me FOREVER because of all the intro. Hope you all liked it! Leave a comment down below!