Bonjour! Ciao! Hola! Hello everyone! bBitz here and I’m back to guide you through this AMAZING RACE around the world! I’m am very excited to be taking a break from the world of dance competitions and recap my favorite (emmy-winning!) reality show. And what luckier season to start off on than 13!? Clearly this means someone on the show will die. Or maybe they’ll just get stuck on a Jet Blue flight on the runway for 13 hours – which is just like dying once the toilets overflow and there’s no way out.
The season kicks off in LA with our dear Phil standing on top of a tall non-de-script building. Why?! Who knows – but Phil looks like he hasn’t eaten since season 10.
I hope he’s not on a hunger strike since he wasn’t nominated for an Emmy. Don’t be ashamed Phil! You could’ve looked like a total asshole onstage like the rest of them and you dodged that bullet! And really – Heidi will let you rip her clothes off any ol’ time.
Classic cars (we have no idea why) are bringing the teams to the starting line at the LA Coliseum – the only stadium on earth to host the Olympic games twice – who knew?! It’s probably because the traffic getting out of the first one forced them to stay around for the next one.
BTW – this is a shot of 2 statues in the Coliseum. Ummm can anyone say “morbid foreshadowing”?! If there’s a “Put Your Head In This Antique Guillotine” Detour I would totally have my partner do it.
Time for the team introductions. There’s only 11 this season. Is that right? I feel like there’s usually more! CBS is getting cheap. Less teams = fewer destinations = less money to produce. Bastards!
First up – TONI and DALLAS:
AKA Non-MILF and Italian Stallion
Toni is a single mom and Dallas is a mom-loving (awww) guy who wants to make his Mom proud. They’re a sweet team. They even have matching eye brows.
NICK and STARR:
AKA Cutie Gay and Kid Sister
I like this couple and I’m calling them the team to beat. Not just because of Cutie Gay – but because Starr has an extra “r” in her name that just has to come in handy at some point. Otherwise there’s no justice in the world.
KEN and TINA:
AKA Mr. Cheater and Trophy Wife
Oh wow. Not only are we gonna hear from Tina 1,000+ times that Ken cheated on her but these two are going to be the best source of drama on the show. You can tell by the above shot just how much they love each other.
AJA and TY:
AKA The Love-Line Couple
Is it just me or does it seem like these two are talking to different people? Ty’s laughing ad Aja looks PISSED. Apparently one of them is not getting their money’s worth out of the 1-900 number.
MARISA and BROOKE:
AKA Dumb Blondes 3.0
Ugh. These two again? Really? Haven’t we seen these two in slightly different forms for like several seasons now? The only difference with these two is they’ll actually get close enough to food to pose with it. Not that they’re actually going to eat it.
ANDREW and DAN:
AKA The Fat Frats
If these two win – I’ll get this photo tattooed on my ass. Aren’t Frat guys supposed to be hot?! Treachery! They claim they’re all about “Parties, girls and booze.” Well – one outta 3 isn’t bad fellas.
ANTHONY and STEPHANIE:
AKA Man-in-Charge and Anthony
Stephanie feels that by winning the money it will mean they can finally get married, have kids and lead a perfect life. If not – they’re OVER. Cool – nothing like going into the race with a 10 in 11 chance of your life going to shit!
ANITA and ARTHUR:
AKA Bumbling Bee-Keepers
I get a hairball looking at them but gosh darn it they’re sweet. Except their choice of wardrobe gives me vertigo. Luckily I’m pretty sure they won’t be lasting past this first episode.
KELLY and CHRISTY:
AKA Diva Divorcees
These two have both been through “dreadful marriages” so it’s gonna be a “bitter – party of two – right this way” time around the world. Although they seem to be looking on the upswing. Just look at Christy taking a boob shot with her cell phone. She’s totally sending it to Phil.
TERENCE and SARAH:
AKA Spirit Lahver and Deborah Downer
Debbie says Terence is a “free spirit” while she “slaves away at the office”. Awww. I predict a “come to Jesus” moment!
MARK and BILL:
AKA Virgin Eternal & Chubbers
First off – is there a reason that Bill has to stand like that – humping Mark’s leg? Did the producer make him stand like that? I’m pretty sure they could’ve zoomed out and given the guys some room. The believe they’ll use their gaming skills to win. Right – if only this was a race around middle earth and Mordor!
Phil welcomes everyone and explains that there will be 8 pit stops. Huh? That seems like very few – I wonder if there’ll be fewer “non-elimination” legs this time around.
First task – they have to run to their luggage at the top of the staircase in the Coliseum. I’d bet money that someone falls and hurts themselves on the way up – but NO ONE does. Looks like Phil forgot to dump the baby oil on them.
And I couldn’t tell who it was – but someone was breathing so hard into their mic on the way up the stairs I can guarantee that there’ll be a heart attack this season. My money’s on Chubbers.
Teams get their clues and they’re off to… San Salvador, Brazil! The teams immediately hop into their rent-a-cars and start yelling at each other in panic. And of course they start driving before even looking at a map. Always my favorite part. It’s not like they need to worry about traffic in LA.
Right before commercial, Toni and Dallas sing the “We’re Going to Brazil” song – they’re adorkable.
During the opening credits we get a shot of Anita and Arthur…
If this shot wasn’t followed by them plowing down their own house by accident I’d be very surprised. And how much you wanna bet that thing runs on hemp?
Terence is convinced that growing up in LA will help him navigate LA traffic. Apparently being a “free spirit” also gives your car wings. Meanwhile his wife just sits in the back and quietly resents him for not having a desk job.
The frat boys have Dan’s knowledge of flights since he was a “tourism” major and has experience working in the airline industry. And that explains why I took an immediate disliking to him. I swear I’ve heard his voice say “I understand that you’re upset that we changed your one way ticket to NY into a lay over in Cincinnati 2 days before Christmas – but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do.” I HATE airlines. I hope Dan gets booted off an overbooked flight every time.
Turns out there’s 2 flights – one gets to Brazil sooner. That is, of course, as long as something horrendous doesn’t happen to it – which is guaranteed to happen at least once a season. This show is definitely not a love-letter to air travel.
So far we are 8:19 minutes into the episode and Tina reminds us that Ken cheated on her. Ken says he’ll make sure no one passes them on the way to the airport. But what I really think he meant to say is that he plans on banging the 2 blondes.
The beekeepers are already off to a slow start. Makes sense since all they had to do was climb a set stairs. Although hair does cause wind-drag – so there you have it.
The first “Ew Gross” moment of the season comes when Terence tells Sarah, “I need love – give me love – I need you to touch me.” EW GROSS!!! Do these people realize there’s a camera recording this shit when they say it?!
Nick and Starr say that they’re hoping to be adopted by “Mom and Dad” – meaning Tina and Ken. That’s gonna suck to get adopted by parents on the cusp of divorce. However it’ll make for great TV. Especially when Nick catches Ken banging his sister. What?! Ok – maybe just one more of those?
Aja & Ty blast by Ken & Tina in the car pool lane and Ken says “That won’t happen again!” Hmmm – sound familiar Tina? By her “perma-pissy” look I’d say “yes”.
The teams start to arrive at the parking lot – ditch the cars and run for the check-in at American Airlines. Does anyone ever think about the poor SOB intern that has to go find those cars and return them all to Hertz?
There’s total chaos at the check-in desk since no one sees the little flag signaling what desk to check into. By some strange stroke of luck the two nerds, Bill & Mark, check in first. These two will probably bumble-fuck their way into the million dollars.
Everyone meets & greets each other at the counter – except Tina who gives a “I could give a fuck look.” I’m sure she’ll catch up with everyone later to tell them Ken cheated on her.
And then… our first fight starts! Dan – Mr. PhD in Airline travel, starts making comments that the first flight could be later than the second – to which Ty tells him to quit the “negativity.”
My favorite part is the look of terror/thrill/excitement on Nick’s face when the yelling starts. Somebody looooves drama!
After Dan exclaims “I know – I’ve worked in the Airline Industry!” Nick sarcastically replies, “He hasn’t worked in customer relations!” Oh Nick – he’s EXACTLY the kind of guy that works in airline customer relations! (BTW I love Nick – he’s my favorite so far – him and Astroidd.)
Ironically (there is a God) Dan and Andrew are the first team to be told the earlier flight has been sold out.
Dan responds by attempting to pull off his face to reveal he’s really Gorlock – leader of CSR Rejects of America.
Toni and Dallas get screwed too. Although I think they’re better off because Dallas should be able to take his shirt off and convince the booking agents there’s room on the plane.
While they wait for their plane, Nick and Starr approach Tina and Ken about forming an alliance. This will work because Nick & Starr are young and athletic…
And Tina can level buildings with one glare.
The teams are on their way to San Salvador where they’ll get there next clue from a sandwich shop called “O Rei Do Pernil”. Chubbers and the Frat Boys should be able to find it – no problem.
The teams on the first flight get delayed at their layover in Rio. Ew – Dan’s curse came true. Ty’s gonna beat the frat out of him when they meet up.
The first batch get into San Salvador and hop into cabs. Tina and Ken try to talk to the cab driver and Tina tells Ken, “I thought your were going to learn to say “Drive the fastest way there!” To which Ken looks down at his feet. HAHAHAHA! These two are gonna be the best entertainment. She’s gonna tear his balls off half way around the world.
Teams start arriving at the sandwich spot and start their “Barista” challenge. I thought for sure this meant “Pumpkin Spice Lattes” all around – but no. They have to push teeter-tottering vending carts around the city to get to their next clue.
They have to cart giant boxes of “Blong” around. If these items are part “Blow Pop”, part “Bong” – I’m moving to Brazil.
The Divorcees say that they will pull out of whatever bad situation they’re faced with. They say this as they’re too afraid to tell the Taxi Driver which way to go. Love it!
Terence gets frustrated with the shit falling off of the cart and says “Babe – I love you… but if you don’t help me…” What?! Finish that sentence! I hope it ended with “I won’t pay for your perms any longer.” Oh god! He just did it again, “I love you dearly… but I can’t understand you!” Did she put this guy through shock therapy before all if this?!
The teams then get to a elevator type thingy which the Nerds call a “funicular”. I googled it. Can you believe they actually are RIGHT and therefore are NERDS in the truest sense?!
Meanwhile Tina continues to berate Ken that he’s not moving fast enough. Cut to the interview where Ken says he cheated on Tina. Oy. I’m pretty sure that he just pissed Tina off because he stole her thunder.
Apparently love can save the day – Terence and Sarah arrive at the next clue-stop first. They find out the next stop is a military base where they’ll spend the night. Under a tent. Under mosquito nets.
Oh FUCK that. I’d be pissed. These are not amazing accommodations at all.
Ok – and Terence and Sarah are officially the weirdest friggin’ couple. They do this thing where they bump fists and then rub the grooves of their fingers together while exclaiming…
“Get in the groove!” Madonna just filed a lawsuit for copyright infringement and infractions of extreme creepiness. And what is in those grooves? Gross.
Nick and Starr take the lead over Ken and Tina and make it to the “funicular” first. Tina then makes it her duty to take the “fun” out of “funicular” for Ken. Nick then makes the alliance-worthy comment of “Hate to say it – but glad we’re in front of Ken and Tina!” Treachery!
The teams start checking in to the military base – Terence and Sarah are first while Nick and Starr follow right behind them.
Meanwhile the Divorcees get lost and ask every sandwich shop in the city if they’re the sandwich shop they’re looking for. Always a good game plan. And Anita complains that “Bees are much calmer than all of this!” putting to rest the debate over whether or not bees are, in fact, really “busy”.
The blondes say it’s hard being in another airport – in another country. Oh blondes. Never ending source of brilliance. Maybe they think they signed up for “Kind of Amazing but Not Really Oh Fuck It We’ll Just Keep it in the US Race“.
The divorcees, fat frats, hot son & mom, and beekeepers finally make it to the sandwich shop. They all complete the task and hop into cabs to desperately try and catch up. Here’s where the Divorcees get to try yelling in another language to the Tax Drivers. Works like a charm. I wish I could’ve been there to teach the poor cabbie how to say “I know why your husbands left you.”
As the teams arrive at the base they find out that there are 3 separate departure times for the next day. The Frat Boys rejoice that they are the first group to arrive at the base from the “second plane” group. Well – at least they have blind optimism going for them.
Back at camp everyone’s settling down for the night but Starr has other things on her mind…
“Sooo…. the soup looks…ummm…tastey. Love soup. Looooove soup. Mmmm mmm good.”
Terence then has a total fucking meltdown that Sarah was getting to know the other teams at camp. In his words, “I want you to hold me! I want you to connect with me!” WHAT?!?! Is this guy for real?!
FYI – This is the face one makes when they realize their husband’s a lame-o with Cindy-Lou Who’s hairdo.
Morning breaks and the teams learn their next stop is “Pelourinho”. Terence & Sarah go after a cab but Nick & Starr snatch one first. And that pretty much sets Terence and Sarah hating those two FOREVER.
Terence goes on and on about Sarah’s need to make friends (a la Nick & Starr) but how it’ll only screw them. Ahhh – the feel-good factor of this show is startin’ out real high!
And then comes my favorite part of the episode… Terence whines:
Are you kidding me?! The guy is a RUNNING COACH!!! WTF?! Get in the groove Terence!
Everyone starts arriving at the church clue-stop and finds that there is a “Detour”! The options are “Hard Way Up” or “Soft Way Down”. Apparently the clues are being written by teenage boys or porn writers.
“Hard Way Up” means they’ll have to crawl a giant staircase on their knees and then answer a question. “Soft Way Down” means they’ll climb down a net that looks like it’s 3 friggin’ miles up the side of a building. Turns out it’s 240 feet – same dif.
Most of the teams choose the “Soft Way Down”. Terrence and Sarah take off quickly because they don’t want Nick and Starr to catch up with them – because, Sarah says, “I hate them so much right now.” REALLY?! All they did was get a cab before you. I can see hating them for being prettier. Or even because your husband is gayer than Nick is. But just over a cab?! Ludicrous!
In the process of trying to lose Nick and Starr – Terence and Sarah miss the entrance to the tower where the next is and Nick and Starr take the lead. I’m guessing this will be grounds for Sarah to murder them in their sleep.
FYI – This is the tower they’re climbing down. Oh helllls no! If I had to climb down that there better be a million dollars waiting for me. And Race over. Check please.
Ken and Tina follow and of course Tina berates him for all 240 feet. And I love when Terence and Sarah finally show up and angrily scream at each other, “We can’t let this get to us!” and “We need to regroup!”
Phil finally gives us a glimpse of the pit stop- Forte Sao Marcelo. Nick and Starr get done climbing with Ken and Tina right behind them. Ken and Tina take off in a cab for the Fort first but wait – wah wah waaaahhhh – the Fort is walking distance! Too late – Nick and Starr have already ran over and grabbed the first boat over to the Fort.
Terence and Sarah insaneness continues as Terence yells at Sarah that she can’t climb and talk at the same time. So he then tells the other teams what she would be saying. That should surely be an incentive for the other teams to climb faster – away from the psycho.
Meanwhile… Nick and Star make a run for the pit stop – Phil’s there to greet – and… they’re FIRST! They win a trip to Belize. Belize?! That’s where my college sent volunteers to build houses. I hope Nick and Starr aren’t greeted at the Belize airport with hammers and a layout plan for a Hacienda. Ken and Tina come in second.
The ONLY team to do the stairs is the fat Frats. They waddle their fat asses all the way to the top to answer the question – which is (AND I SWEAR I CALLED THIS 3 MINUTES BEFORE!) “How many stairs did you climb?” Suckers. They have to go all the way back down and climb them again. Once they do – they get it right. Damn it.
The bee-keepers finally make it to the top of the building and start to climb down. So sweet. They even stop to kiss while climbing. Ack! Gross but sweet.
More and more teams cross the finish line:
How many hours do you think this poor kid had to juggle? Bet it didn’t take him long to stop giving a shit about being on TV!
The blondes are the 10th team to check in – sadly this means the Bee-Keepers are the last…
Look at it this way – there’s plenty of sheep farmers in Brazil that’ll pay big bucks to shave you down.
They are, of course, really positive about it and say it was a privilege to race. Awww. I’m sad too. I had so many more hair jokes.
So what did everyone think?! I think it’s gonna be a great season! I love Nick and Starr and I am gonna LOOOVE loathing Terence and Sarah! Give me your thoughts and predications! DISH IT!