Amazing Race FINALE: It Puts the Magic in the Hole!

This is it – THE FINALE! We’ve seen many teams – great and awful – fall to the gods of fate and stupidity, now it is time to see which teams takes the prize. Will it be the incompetent Fat Frats, the separated she-devil and castrated hubby, or the Machiavellian siblings? It doesn’t really matter because Dallas and Toni are out and I’m bitter about it. (I know, I know – way to get off on a good foot.) Ladies and gents – for the last time – it’s AMAZING RACE!

The episode starts off with a nice montage of the top 3 teams: Andrew & Dan, Ken & Tina and Nick & Starr. I just want to add that I called Nick and Starr the “team to beat” in the very first recap and now it looks like they have the best shot at winning. I also wanted to add that clearly because of this – I fucking rock. So… good for me.

However I NEVER EVER would have called the Fat Frats getting into the final three. WTF?! They have to be the furthest advancing “worst team” on Amazing Race ever, right?! Thoughts?

Here we are in Moscow, Russia about to start the last leg of the race. And teams are starting off from a park that commemorates Socialism. I think we should start out with a detour that’s called: “Write Communist Propaganda” or “Blacklist Your Partner”. Ouch. Too soon? I’m sure Tina would have been like “Oh – I already blacklisted Kenny! Next clue!”

Nick and Starr are the first to leave and find out that their final destination is “Portland, Oregon”! Which sounds so exotic and exciting compared to all of their previous check points. Once at the airport they look up flights and for the first time I realize some of the prices they’re paying for plane tickets!

Holy crappers! I hope CBS gets frequent flier miles out of this! Although, since these last 3 teams made it to the end – don’t you think CBS could have sprung for first class flights? Then again if this was on FOX they’d be riding on inner tubes across the Pacific.

The Fat Frats start off next (incredibly so) and read that they’re off to “Oregone“. Nice job on the pronunciation Dan – or should I say, DON. Dan goes on to say that him and Andrew “deserve” to be in the final 3. WHAT? He then goes on to say, “People that think we’re going to be chicken feed for the other teams are severely mistaken.” OH HELL NO. I can’t wait until he watches this shit on TV. If they even make it out of Russia before one of the other two cross the finish line I’ll be impressed.

And last off, 4.5 hours after Nick and Starr, Ken and Tina are on their way. Tina’s attitude is: “I don’t care who we’re up against – I’m not leaving without the prize.” Something tells me the finale will include shots fired and Tina ripping the prize out of Nick’s cold, dead, well-manicured hands. She will then eat Starr.

Nick and Starr are smart enough to start researching their destination and find that it’s an outdoor adventure park. They’re very confident they’ll kick ass at this. I bet they’re gonna get there and find it’s a beer chugging contest followed by a “insult your partner 100 ways in 3 minutes” contest. They’ll get their asses kicked by the other teams.

At the ticket counter the friendly Russian lady tells Ken and Tina she has a good connection for them through Frankfurt (like the other teams) to which Tina replies: “I’m about to lose it.” Ken coddles her and tells her everything will be OK. But something tells me Ken’s gonna get the final nail in the coffin during this episode. Tina says she can see in Ken’s eyes that he’s changed. Yes. There’s no longer a sprit behind those eyes. It’s been BROKEN.

Everyone boards the same plane together and they’re off!

Can we just discuss how cute Nick is? Seriously. I want to punch him he’s so cute.

Tina comments that they’re not helping anyone but themselves from here on out. WOW. I guess we’re officially done with hearing, “YOU OWE ME!” from Tina! That’s a finale all on its own!

After what I believe is roughly a 20 hour flight (Can you imagine?! They could have watched 10 in-flight movies OR what felt like one showing of “No Country for Old Men”) they emerge from the airplane and run for the taxis.

While the other teams get into their cabs and take off – the Fat Frats have a nice “Coffee Talk” with their oblivious cabbie:

“Just go fast!” “Go to Newberg.” “Can you please drive?!” “Go to Newberg!” “Go now!” “JUST GO TO NEWBERG!!!” Would’ve been great if the cabbie turned around and went “Que?”

Nick and Starr take the lead while Ken curses that they “must have a horseshoe stuck up their rear end.” Odd that Ken says this while Tina’s sitting there with what must be an entire horse stuck up her rear end.

Nick & Starr get a bit lost so Ken & Tina arrive at the challenge course first and find the detour: “High & Dry” OR “Low & Wet”. In High & Dry teams must climb up trees and walk a plank to grab a clue. In Low & Wet, teams must film a porno in the mud. I kid, I kid. Teams must run across floating logs in the water, get a concussion and grab the clue on the other side.

Ken & Tina wisely choose High & Dry – as do Nick and Starr who, after finding their way, are close behind. And the Fat Frat’s…

Couldn’t have said it better myself, boys.

My favorite part is when they fly by a sign that says “Newberg 3 miles” and it’s pointing in the direction that they came from. If these two win the race, I will eat every single key off of this computer in front of me. Seriously. Even the space bar.

Ken & Tina start putting on their climbing gear while Tina immediately starts bitching that she’s scared of heights. (She’s MUCH better at Low & Wet.) I half think that Ken chose this one in the hopes that there’d be a “horrible” mishap where Tina plummeted to her timely death.

Tina then starts yelling “GO GO GO!” to Ken as he’s climbing. How well do you think THAT would go over if the situation was reversed?!?

Nick is close behind and climbs the tree like a lil’ monkey. Ken jumps for the clue and snatches it while Tina actually yells, “Good job Kenny!” Wow. Glad they got that on tape for him.

Now it’s Tina’s turn – this should be good! And it’s at this point Tina whipped around and GLARED AT ME…

I’m sorry! I take it all back! You’re a princess! A pretty, pretty princess! Ack! I’m turning to stone! Heeeellllp meeeee!!!!

The Fat Frats are still lost but beginning to find their way thanks to Andrew making calls. Meanwhile Dan just sits there and whines and wets himself.

Nick comes to the end of the log and just makes a jump for the clue…

Wow! I’m pretty sure he just imagined it was an issue of “Details” magazine hanging there.

It’s now Tina’s turn for the climb but her helmet keeps falling off. To which Ken yells, “Come on honey – don’t even worry about that (the helmet falling off)!” Wow – he’s really setting her up! “Don’t worry about the helmet honey! It’ll only save your head if you fall – and we don’t want that to happen now do we?! We want your angry little brains everywhere, sweetheart!”

Starr’s on her way up and close behind Tina. Tina’s hat keeps falling off and she keeps trying to put it back on. Ken is giddy with excitement as he yells, “Just forget about the hat!” Tina screams backs, “It’s choking me – that’s why I’m putting it back on!” To which you KNOW Ken wants to yell, “DEAR GOD THAT’S EVEN BETTER! LEAVE IT OFF!”

Back in the cab (yes – they’re still lost) the Fat Frats declare that, “If we win today, it’ll be the biggest win in the history of Amazing Race.” And for the first time all season – they’re completely right – and completely pipe-dreaming.

Starr takes a leap, grabs the clue and her and Nick are off to the next clue: The Bridge of the Gods. Once there, they have to take a zip line over the river for 2,000 feet to a small island. FUN! Ok – let’s take bets – will Tina a) Spew green vomit when she sees this task OR b) Berate Kenny and blame it on him OR c) Both. My money’s on C!

Back up in the trees, Tina’s still yelling, “This thing’s (the helmet strap) choking the hell out of me!” I so wanted to see the camera pan back to see Ken giddy with expectation:

“OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE!!!”

Tina finally reaches the jumping part. I really thought Ken would add, “Ok now just undo your harness before you jump – yeah it’s fine – you don’t need it – trust me… JUST DO IT AND JUMP!”

She finally jumps and… grabs the clue! She’s then lowered to safety before Ken has enough time to cut through the safety ropes. Poor guy. And then they’re off to the bridge. Just at the same time as the Fat Frats FINALLY arrive to perform High and Dry. High and Dry is a perfect way to describe those two at this point.

Ken & Tina arrive at the bridge first thanks to Nick & Starr getting another clueless cabbie. Tina: “I’m scared of heights! My heart is pounding!” Ken: “Like really pounding? Like “heart attack” pounding?! Because we can always run faster if that’ll help.”

Ken gets her all strapped into the zipline and gives her a good push and away she goes!

What’s most amazing is that she did this without her broom.

And although I’m sure Ken was desperately trying to cut the line, it appears the crew held him off so Tina could land safely. I’m surprised Ken didn’t make a deal with the crew to split the prize if they’d carpet-bomb the island.

Nick & Starr catch up just as Ken heads off on the zip line. On the island, Ken and Tina start a route info challenge. There are 10 questions and each has a symbol which coincides with something they did while on the race. They have to then run and look through 150 clue boxes to find the photo that matches the correct symbol. They better bust-a-move because I’m guessing Nick and Starr are gonna be better with “memory” than “Mom and Dad”.

Nick is now flying across the water. Starr shouts “You look like Peter Pan!” (Hence the title of this episode) It’s cool to see Nick flying like this…

But it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.

Starr then goes flying through the air and decides to do some weird upside down move:

At least we have a good idea of what Dallas will be seeing in his future.

Nick & Starr join Ken & Tina just as they get the first question on the board right. EEK! Suddenly I’m freaking out and really want Nick & Starr to win! Tina is such a bitch to Ken and I really can’t handle her winning and then taking it all in a divorce settlement. I say this just as Ken says, “Let’s move together – don’t get crazy!” TOO LATE KEN. TOO… LATE.

Now there’s a frantic mess of back and forth shots between the two teams as they try and remember the clues. Nick is clearly the strong one as he remembers random names of places that I don’t even remember. I hope Starr gives him a 40/60 cut.

This little segment is definitely the most suspenseful/stressful part of the season so far! AAAGHHH! Who’s gonna take the lead?! After thousands and thousands of miles they’re neck and neck at a game of memory. And then Nick and Starr get their first one wrong! NOOO!

Back with the Fat Frats – they’ve finally completed High and Dry and are now on the way to the bridge. I’m guessing we’re going to see maybe 3 minutes (tops) of footage of them for the rest of the episode. What a waste of a 3rd spot – should’ve been Dallas and Toni!

Side note: I love the insert shots used during this challenge. Whenever they pull a photo out of one of the clue boxes – it’s clearly an insert shot of some PA’s hand:

These two clips are right next to each other. So either inserts are being used, or Tina has bigger man hands than Janet Reno.

The “happy couple” continues to yell “Stop yelling at me!” and “You’re telling them (Nick & Starr) the answers!” Ahhh teamwork. If they win I hope they spend either a million dollars on counseling or really good lawyers. (I’m guessing it’ll be the latter.)

Teams are really close – except for the Fat Frats. Andrew is panicking in the cab – looking for directions. Meanwhile Dan has changed a bit:

Reading the body language – can you tell which one has completely given up?

I think after freaking out the entire race, Dan has chosen a fine time to stop caring about everything.

Back at the “memory game”, Nick and Starr take the lead because of Tina. Ken suggests the right answer to a clue and Tina shoots him down with “NO – THAT’S NOT IT.” I think we should all chip in to buy Ken a flat screen TV with that clip on a loop to mount in their house.

Nick keeps pulling ahead of Starr (has her ass gotten bigger since the beginning of this race or has she always been slower?!) and he keeps baiting her with “Million dollars! Million dollars!” Geez – it’s like he’s only in this race for the money. Wait a minute…

Did he mean, “Let’s do this together!” OR “Give me your hand because I will fucking drag your fat ass to that prize!” OR “Hold my hand a million dollars – I love you a million dollars!” You be the judge.

And just like that – Starr and Nick complete the challenge! Ahh! RUN! They get to the next clue: Travel to the Portland Building and find the green dinosaur. As they hop into the cab, Ken and Tina are directly behind them. Damn it! Both teams grab their cabbie’s cell phones to find out any information about the next stop – THIS is why these two teams made it into the final two – you should never sit on your ass doing nothing at any point. Take note future Amazing Racers!

Speaking of – the Fat Frats finally have made it to the memory challenge. Dan comments, “Obviously these (clue boxes) are set up in a certain way – it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out.” Apparently it takes someone smarter than Dan though – since they are not set up in a certain way. Tool…box.

On the way to the building, teams get into a cab race with each other. It’s Nick/Starr in the lead, coming around the bend and passing is Ken/Tina… but wait, Starr offers her cabbie a chance to “slap this booty” and it’s… Nick/Starr by a nose!

Cabs then split ways – Nick/Starr end up with the better route and reach the building as Ken/Tina hit traffic. It’s at this moment that I notice something odd. Have you ever noticed that you rarely hear any words bleeped out on this show? If it was me – at this point – I would be one whole long string of “Oh ****! Oh my god! ****! Get out of the ****ing way! Oh **** oh ***** oh ****!”

Nick and Starr arrive and spot the green dinosaur in the window immediately. Wow – that’s pretty friggin’ lucky! It’s not that big or obvious. As they get the clue from it, Nick wisely advises to get the hell out of the window so Ken and Tina don’t see them. He’s getting trickier and trickier as they get closer. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulls the fire alarm on the way out of the building. I‘m just saying – I would have.

The dinosaur clue says they must run to Alder Street and find the Russian Food “Pod”. I hope once there they have to share an entire bottle of vodka. That’d be the best ending of Amazing Race EVER.

Ken and Tina arrive and as Tina cries, “I don’t even see the Portland Building!” Ken yells, “It’s RIGHT THERE! (points to giant sign) READ IT! PORTLAND…BUILDING!” I feel like this is where Ken will begin to unravel. They completely miss the Standard Building (where the dino is) and head for City Hall to ask for help. Where they find:

This security guard to help. It’s nice to know Boss Hog found a cushy day job once “Dukes of Hazzard” was canned. (Does anyone ever wonder why guys like this insist on making their tie shorter only to make their belly look worse?!) They should definitely run back to this guy to ask where the food pods are.

Nick and Starr run for the food pods and Starr is having trouble keeping up with Nick. It’s too bad Nick didn’t have this type of set-up ready to go:

Except imagine a million dollars in place of the carrot. And Starr in place of – no – no – actually it’s fine the way it is.

Ken and Tina are very close behind thanks to all of these goddam good samaritans in Portland. Is it wrong that I’m screaming obscenities at these people as they help Ken and Tina? Please tell me I’m not alone here.

Nick and Starr quickly find the Russian food cart and the next clue asks them to find “Where the magic is in the hole.” This leads Starr to start yelling “Do you know where the magic is in the hole?!?!” to several passer-bys. This has to be the funniest moment of the season (minus Dan’s marching abilities).

“DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE MAGIC IS IN THE HOLE?!?!” I was so hoping she’d rip her pants off and yell, “Oh my God! Is the clue in my vagina!?!!” Although I would have also died laughing if some guy walked up and offered her $10 to find out where the magic in the hole is.

And it’s really too bad this guy isn’t around. I’m sure he could help her find it.

They try to ask some lady where the magic is in the hole and her response is, “I don’t know – check a phone book?” WTF. Thanks lady. Because a phone book works just like Google – name anything and you’ll find it right away. Who the fuck does she think she is – James Earl Jones? (Get it? Anyone? Anyone?)

She’s too busy to help anyways – she’s got a pack of smokes to crack into. I thought Portland was suppose to be a healthy city! Her and the City Hall guard should hit it.

Starr’s screaming totally works and some random guy knows where the magic’s at – VooDoo Doughnut! (How did THAT lady NOT know where a donut shop is?!) And they’re off!

Ken and Tina are right behind and find the Russian food cart. They get the clue… “Where is the magic in the hole?”

You know that it took every ounce of Ken’s will power not to say, “Ok – we definitely know where it’s NOT and you’re holding the clue over it right now.”

They ask a stranger where “the magic in the hole is” and this stranger not only tells them EXACTLY where it is but also a FASTER way than the last team went! WOW! WHO IS THIS HELPFUL STRANGER YOU MIGHT ASK?!?!

WHAT…THE…FUCK. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Treachery!!! Apparently she either hates people in camouflage, figured out that by being helpful she gets her face on TV or she senses the evil inside of Tina and fears/worships her.

Ken and Tina are now close behind Nick & Starr and they’re closing in because Starr can’t keep up to Nick. Then comes Tina’s BEST line of the season, “You’re just trying to slow me down! Let me go!” She says this AFTER Ken yells at her to watch out for a car that ALMOST CREAMS HER IN THE CROSSWALK!!! SERIOUSLY!!! You missed your chance Ken. Now you deserve whatever you get. Missed your chance.

Nick finally drags Starr to the donut shop, they get their next clue and it’s the last PITSTOP!!! AHHH! This is it! They run for a taxi and of course there are none to be found! EEK! Ken and Tina reach the donut shop and once again they’re neck and neck – it all comes down to getting a cab and the cab driver!!!

And the biggest shock?!?!

$3.89 for gas. YIKES. So glad it’s come down.

Back to the race – OMG OMG OMG! I love how I’m FREAKING OUT right now -

But Nick still has time to fix his hair. Damn pretty boy.

Ken and Tina are so desperate for a cab that Ken attempts to hijack one! He offers someone, already in a taxi, to give it up for $50!

And the cabbie is SO not happy about this indecent proposal. I’m not really sure what he meant by “This is a customer!” but he’s pissed. Ken should’ve shaken Tina up and threw her at the cabbie.

Nick and Starr get a taxi and head off. Nick tells the cabbie he’ll give him $70 if he gets them there fast. I’m guessing that’s all the money they have left. Boy is he gonna be fucked if they get there and it’s another clue box with instructions to take another taxi.

Starr starts hyperventilating so much that the cabbie asks if she’ll be ok. She says “It’s a life or death kind of thing!” Is it though? Or does she plan on gutting Tina if she loses to her?

Tina and Ken get a cab and take a prayer break to ask God for a win. I guess this is it. If Ken & Tina win there is a God. If they don’t – no God. 2,000 plus years of Christianity down the toilet if these two lose a reality show contest. Who would’ve thought?

I’m pretty sure God’s response would be, “Uh Tina – if I actually answered your husband’s prayers you’d be a mute by now.”

Time slows down – both teams seem to pull up to the pit stop – omg omg omg – who’s it gonna be??!! There’s Phil – the other teams are cheering – who’s is it??!?!

IT”S… NICK AND STARR!!! WINNER OF THE AMAZING RACE!!! (Oh – and I guess Phil likes to give a complimentary shoulder rub to the winner?)

Phil calls them “competitive” and Starr compliments everyone by saying their ALL great competitors. But I really wanted her to say…

Except for you losers…

And you morons…

And who the fuck were you again? Hippie Santa & Mrs. Claus?

Ken and Tina arrive and although I expect Tina to disembowel everyone and then cause this:

“The entire Northwest was leveled today when Tina from Amazing Race discovered she had placed 2nd. Film at 11.”

INSTEAD – Ken and Tina embrace – and Ken takes out their wedding rings and says “I want to ask you to start this thing over again – let’s do it right this time.” and then slips the ring on her finger.

Everyone cries and hugs while Tina says “Yes” and marvels at her ring… and then says, “Wait a minute… Kenny, this ring is inscribed to “Tricia”… WHO THE FUCK IS TRICIA?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”

And so came to close another season of Amazing Race.

That’s it everyone! It was a pleasure writing for you all and I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know what you thought and for one final time – DISH IT!

Epilogue: The Fat Frats finally arrived shortly after nuclear fallout – causing them to bumblefuck their way into winning by default. I kid..I kid.

PS – For those of you paying attention: Ken & Tina lost = There is no God. Happy Holidays!