Amazing Race: First Place Losers and the Wedgie of Justice!

Last week we learned that there’s no end to Jaime’s horrific-ness, Lil Guys came up a lil short in the end and oh yeah – all hell broke loose in the biggest fight on the show ever. Ladies and Gents, it’s now time to learn that life can be a bitch – especially if it’s racing against you for a million dollars in an… AMAZING RACE!

We begin where we left off in China. Jen and Kisha, first on the last leg, get to take off first to the next stop – Beijing! LOL. Jaime’s gonna be fucking THRILLED they’re staying in China! I hope like hell her clue reads, “You’re next stops are Rome, Paris, Bali— just kidding, it’s CHINA again! SUCKER!”

Kisha and Jen say they’re over the whole fight with Margie and Luke. Good thing – I’m sure Luke is totally over it. He seems really good at letting things go.

Tammy and Victor then head out and are thrilled it’s in Beijing since they’ve already been there. WTF? Did the producers know this? Seems like a bit of favoritism in the itinerary. If the next stops are West Hollywood and San Francisco I’m thinking Victor and/or Tammy spent some time on the casting couch.

Tammy and Victor enter the travel office and immediately start in with the “FAST PLEASE!” and “DON’T BRING SHAME TO OUR FAMILY!!” in Chinese. I should try that the next time I check into Best Western.

Margie and Luke head out and say they’re also going to let it all go and concentrate on the race. To which Luke adds, “And kick their (the sisters) ass!” Aaaand so much for letting it go. Game on!

Leaving last (where hopefully they will remain) is Cara and Jaime. They complain they’ve never come in first place. That does totally suck. You know the only thing worse than that? Being an all-around awful person. Ding Ding Ding!

Margie and Luke beat Kisha and Jen to the airport and then they’re all at the same ticket counter. Awkward! Hitler sitting front row at a Streisand concert couldn’t be more awkward than these 2 teams meeting up.

“I svear I vill be so peesed oof if she doesn’t seeng “Ze Vay Ve Vere”!”

Jen then gets pissed that every time she asks a Chinese person to help them they give her the “patented dumb look”. Wow…

You sure you want to go there Jen?

And then Kisha bitches that the Chinese don’t know how to say “I don’t speak English”. Right. Totally understandable. Kisha – do me a favor – say “I don’t speak Chinese” in either Mandarin or Cantonese. I’ll wait. Go ahead. What was that? Nothing? Ahhh… I see. Then SHUT IT.

Meanwhile, Margie’s card gets rejected…

Uhhh yeah – Margie? Your Lane Bryant card doesn’t work everywhere ya know.

So Kisha and Jen rush over to the correct counter ahead of Margie and Luke. And then of course Margie and Luke start whining that they cut. Come on people! This is a RACE not tea time with the friggin’ Queen Mum!

“Tea and crumpets with all those bitches?! Heavens no!”

While that crowd argues over the shitty tickets, Mr & Mrs Chinese-American 2009 (Tammy & Victor) roll up to the VIP counter and use their skillz to nail the best seats on the plane. What what?! Total Beijing Ball-as! Woo woo!

One of my fav moments is the excuses Tammy gives the ticketing agents…

Any other stereotypes you’d like to cover today, Tammy?

Tammy and Victor come out as the winners with the best seats on the plane. If they place anything other than first in this leg – they suck. They have a HUGE advantage! They even admit that if they don’t do well they’ll “bring shame to their family and the Chinese people.” Yup. That’s about right.

While everyone waits for their flight, Kisha and Jen seclude themselves while everyone else talks smack about the whole “bitch” episode. Victor just about loses his nuts when he tells Margie, “Well… Kisha did apologize.” Save it kid. Mama Bear will gut you.

Kisha and Jen finally join near the end – only to add “I don’t make small talk – it’s fake”. LOVE IT!

Teams arrive in Beijing and then, before the race has a chance to start…

Luke smashes into Jen while running to a taxi. I believe this can also be described as nuclear fusion. Two atoms collide and create “Oh Heeeellll no!”

Luke then brags in the taxi to his mother that they kicked the sisters’ ass. Oy. This can only get worse – which only means fantastic television for us!

A cabbie race then breaks out between all teams. Luckily for Cara, Jaime has an extra car battery on her. Not in case the car stalls – in case the cabbie doesn’t adhere to her demands and needs some battery-to-testes encouragement.

Jaime and Cara roll up to the foot massage parlor first (thanks car battery!) and head in for the Road Block: “Who’s feeling manipulative?” And without hesitation Cara says, “ME!” and Jaime looks like “Absolutely!” Love it. Gotta know your team mate.

In this challenge, teams must drink ancient Chinese remedy tea, get a violent foot massage from little sadist Chinese girls and drink more tea. Cara hops in the chair, chokes down the tea and lets the torture begin. Either we’re all gonna enjoy watching this or Cara’s gonna put her foot through that poor girl’s head.

Kisha and Jen arrive and Jen gets pissy when Kisha snatches the challenge away. Not to worry, Jen – she’s in for a world of hurt…

“KIIIILLLL MEEEEE!!!!” Ironically this is the same face Jaime made when Cara told her that being on “Amazing Race” meant she’d have to travel out of the states.

After thousands of miles, the cheerleader meets her match. Bring it girl!

Next time bring a 100 calorie snack pack, Kisha. Geez.

Tammy and Victor arrive as Cara screams, “I feel like having a baby must be easier than this!” Well… normally it would. Unless you’re Jaime and your baby has horns. Then not so much.

Tammy gets all Zen and takes deep breaths to get through the pain while Cara’s head starts to spin around. She tells Jaime to shut up and comes close to a “THIS SHOULD’VE BEEN YOU!!!” moment.

Luke snatches the challenge away from Margie when they arrive. Then once he starts crying about it she says, “It’s hard to see him in pain – but I wanted to do this one – and he jumped in there so….” Margie, I believe the words you were searching for are “so…. fuck ‘em. Deal with it.”

Cara finishes first and gets the clue telling them to head to Guangcai Natatorium. Kisha & Jen and Tammy & Victor are close behind but everyone has difficulty finding taxis who know where they’re going. And boy would I LOVE to know what Jaime said to the taxi and why it was bleeped out!

“GAUNTAI?! GUANTAI?! You look freakin’ – like you are *@$*%!!!” I’m guessing the missing part wasn’t “hardworking”, “underpaid” or “excited to deal with a bitchy American”.

Not to be out done, Jen sees their cabbie and yells, “Is that the same guy?! It’s the same fucking guy! They all look alike!” Wow. True Ambassadors of American Culture.

Margie and Luke are the last to leave the challenge. Meanwhile, Jaime shuts Tammy down with an “Oh hell NO!” when she tries to take a cab! It’s getting good folks! Four Ladies + Luke + Drama = Victor crying “Can’t we all get along!”

Tammy phrases it perfectly when she says, “I didn’t want to get into a fight with Jaime… she scares me.” See?! It’s not just the millions of viewers at home! I wonder if animals flee and/or urinate when they’re around Jaime.

Jen’s really nervous about the challenge since it sounds like it has something to do with swimming. She doesn’t like to swim. Ok – but what if I told you it was a human-sized game of memory with Chinese people? Swimming doesn’t sound so bad now does it?

Tammy & Victor find the right door to the Natatorium first and get the Detour: Sync or Swim. Teams must either jump off spring boards and hit the water at the same time or swim a 400 meter relay. Teams that are completely lazy and idiotic will choose sync since it’s entirely more difficult than swimming a few laps. (That should have been added to the clue description.)

And of course, Tammy and Victor choose “sync” because they can’t swim. Who CAN’T swim by the time they’re an adult?! COME ON! Is it because Victor’s afraid to get his hair wet?! Cause you know he loves wearing that “skimpy” speedo!

Ahhh geez! Jen can’t swim either! WTF people!? Pool, pond, community pool, ocean, river?!? None of these things were present in your youth? I’m not taking any excuses unless you grew up in Death Valley.

Then comes the synchronized disaster that is Tammy and Victor…

So close. At least Victor nailed the “YMCA” before hitting the water.

One of my favorite moments of the season?! Cara and Jaime choose the 400 meter challenge which Michael Phelps won the gold in, and Cara says, “We have to beat Michael Phelps’ time.” To which Jaime snaps “No we don’t.” To which Cara replies “Ok – well we’ll just try.” WHAT?!? In what world does she live in that those two would even dream of beating that record?!? LOVE IT! She doesn’t even say “OK Jaime” – no – she still insists they should “try”. Yeah. Good luck!

Victor and Tammy continue their losing streak while Tammy yells, “I have no idea what we’re doing wrong!!” Cut to Victor jumping off the board and into the pool while Tammy stands on her board watching him. Aces kids!

Meanwhile the Chinese discover what exactly has been up the cheerleaders’ asses this whole race.

Kisha and Jen finally make an attempt at the sync jump but then they both chicken out and head for the 400m challege. Wise choice! Speaking of the 400m…

You’re SO CLOSE Cara! You’ll beat his record yet!

Kisha starts to put on her razor suit and complains they’re not made for people with her sized thighs. GUUUURRLLL you betta work it then! Grease those bitches up and slide ‘em in!

However, thanks to them doing this challenge I’ll always have one of my fav Amazing Race quotes of all time. Jen referring to Kisha’s dive…

‘Nuf said.

While Victor and Tammy are busy resorting to cannon balls in the pool, Jaime decides to unleash a fury of bitchiness on Cara…

Seriously?! If I was Cara, nothing would inspire me to swim fast back across the pool more than hearing this. Because I would then get out of the pool and beat the razor suit right off her.

Even Margie comments that Luke is swimming too slow. Yikes. Who would’ve thought that a swimming challenge would get teams to start tearing into each other?!

Finally, Cara and Jaime finish first (dammit) and get the clue for the Pit Stop at Drum Tower. Meanwhile, Kisha and Jen give up again and decide to go back to the first challenge. I haven’t seen 2 people fuck themselves over this bad since McCain and Palin agreed to let Palin interview.

Luke and Margie finish the challenge about 1 minute before Margie takes Fall #2 for the season. That razor suit looked like it was choking her body to death. Geez. Her health stresses me out.

The big moment finally comes where Kisha and Jen take the dive! At this point I feel like Jen’s gonna turn into a Gremlin when she hits the water. They jump! Aaaannnd…

Uhh… she knows she can’t breath under water right?! Oh dear.

Luckily for them Tammy and Victor keep fucking up.

Because judging by Kisha’s reaction to their score – they’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

Ugh. It does break your heart that Kisha is trying so hard to be a good sister and get Jen to jump as well. Although teaching her to swim like 20+ years ago would’ve been a good idea to. I’m just saying. They jump – it’s awful. And Tammy and Victor switch to the 400m!!! Holy shit! They’re all gonna be like 3 days behind the other two teams!

At the lap pool, Victor preps himself by saying, “You gotta swim and not sink!”. He should seriously look into motivational speaking. Genius.

Jen starts having a total melt down and says she wants to go home. OY. If I was Kisha I’d be like, “Of course you can go home sweetie… but first… YOU’LL SWIM IN THE FUCKING POOL AND WIN ME A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS!!! Looooove you!”

Tammy and Victor end up doing well in the 400m (morons – you should’ve done it first!) and head off to the pit stop. Kisha finally gets Jen up and they head back to the challenge. Meanwhile Margie gloats in the cab about the sisters crapping out on the swim challenge. Eww… come on Margie – you’re better than that!

While back at the pool it looks like the gruesome end of the Titanic, Victor’s legs start to cramp up while trying to get in the cab. He starts yelling in pain and sweet Tammy says, “Well can you put them in the car?!” Loooove her! Man up Victor! Still, it has to be one the funniest things to watch though! “AAAAGH!” Hysterical.

Finally Kisha and Jen finish the challenge and head off. Thanks to the miracle of editing, it seems like all teams are still in taxis on the way to the pit stop but I have a feeling the last 2 teams are like an hour behind. Cara and Jaime are in the front and are totally having panic attack that they might, yet again, miss out on being team number one. They finally make it to the pit stop, practically in tears and check in as team number 1. Boo.

AND THEN OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! It’s not the end of the race!!!! Phil pops out another clue!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! SUCKERS!!!!

Look at their faces!!! BWAH HA HA HA!!! It’s called karma ladies!!!

Also look at Phils face – because it’s the last time you’ll see it without Jaime’s claw marks all over it. He’s a total fucking dead man.

And that’s it! “TO BE CONTINUED”!!! Wow! It could NOT have come at a better time! What’s everyone think?! Are the next 2 minutes of footage going to be Jaime eating Phil’s innards while he’s still alive?! Can the girls catch up and make it to the final three?! Will Victor’s cramps be his demise?! Does Phil know how to sign “No seriously – keep running.”?! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!