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Last week we learned the Chinese need to learn English so that Americans can win a million dollars easier, Cara can beat Michael Phelps any day (provided she doesn’t continue to swim like a sea cow) and the leg of the race is never over until Phil says so! Why? Cause it’s his mo-fo house and he the daddy of a baby called AMAZING RACE!
We start off with the Cheerleaders getting a face full of “PSYCH!!!” from Phil as they learn the race isn’t over. I can’t believe Jaime didn’t gut Phil right there but they rally and race on. It could be worse – she could slam her head in a car door. Oh but wait…
BWAH HA HA HA!!! God I love this show.
Margie and Luke arrive at the fake pit stop and to Luke’s horrific dismay, find out that they must keep racing. Margie looks OVER IT and you can tell when she snaps at Luke, “If you yell at me again I’m FINISHED.” You tell him girl! Now bend him over and beat his ass in front of the world.
Jaime continues her excellent relationship with cabbies by yelling “STAY!” at him when she hops out to look for the clue. I wish we could hear the audio from the cabbie’s response because I’m sure we’d learn a ton of Chinese swear words. Thank God they don’t race in North Korea. We’d have six nukes up our ass courtesy of Jaime’s ambassadorship by now.
They find the clue and learn that they must find one of several Travelocity (PLUG!) Roaming Gnomes in the mall area for their next clue.
Meanwhile, Tammy and Victor find out that they have to keep racing and are the only two to laugh about it. Hmmm… these two dorks are growing on me. I do believe I’ll be rooting for them in the finale if they make it.
Jen and Kisha are in the cab on the way to the pit stop while Jen’s still crying about the swim. She says, “I’m so over China.” Yikes. Anyone want to tell her that pools/water sources exist in just about every country of the world. WOW. Fucking scaaaary!
The sisters are thrilled (although Jen has to think about it for a second) to find out they’re not eliminated and still in it. Kisha gives the cabbie the clue and says it in Mandarin to which the cabbie’s response is laughter. Aww – gotta love her for trying and not bitching about the cabbie not speaking fluent English. Could they be CHANGING?!!? As my father has always said, “I’ll wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.”
Teams up ahead are still looking for the gnome. I think it would’ve been funny if they edited the gnome’s voice into the show.
I can just hear it, “Oh no! Not those 2 cuntzilla’s! I’d rather get dunked in a woodchipper!” or “Victor? Luke? Oh dear me! My hat will be used for most unsightly things!”
Margie and Luke find the gnome first and get the clue asking them to head to “Gu Gong Xi Bei Jaio”. Riiiiight. I love that place. It’s sooo… Gu Gong-ish. Once there, they must ride electric bicycles through Beijing to a subway station.
Jaime and Cara find their gnome and head for a taxi to terrorize. Jaime’s response to a cabbie who doesn’t know where “the next spot” is? “Forget you then!” WTF?!?! Why is she such a bitch?! SHIT! This show is slowly becoming “Who’s the Most Obnoxious Tourist?!”
Tammy and Victor get the clue and Tammy immediately knows “Gu Gong” is “Forbidden City”. Umm – you cannot tell me they don’t have a HUGE advantage! I mean – good for them – but at the same time – HUGE advantage. Someone made a comment on the last recap that it’s the same as previous teams on other seasons knowing Spanish. Not so much. Many people know Spanish, it was usually shotty-Spanish and usually more than one team knew Spanish. These two are FLUENT in Mandarin, have BEEN to China and are the ONLY team to have those traits. ADVANTAGE!
As Victor and Tammy run towards their cab Victor exclaims, “I can’t believe I’m holding a purse and a doll!” Oh Victor. I could count on 3 fingers the amount of people that wouldn’t believe that. And those fingers are called your mother, your father and your oblivious ex-girlfriend from high school.
Meanwhile Jaime snaps and finally attacks her cabbie. Poor Gnome never saw this coming! But I’m guessing 99% of us did.
Jaime berates the cabbie for not being able to shake his head “yes” or “no” to confirm. Next up – she grabs his head and starts rattling his brain around while screaming languages that have been dead for thousands of years.
Victor and Tammy are the first to the bikes. They hop on and pedal for a good 5 minutes before realizing they’re electric bikes. Tammy yells “I’m cruising!” and I curse because Victor could’ve made my day by saying that.
Meanwhile we learn how well Luke adheres to his Mother’s threats.
Timing is everything. And had Jen been 1/2 second earlier – this would’ve been a GREAT episode!
Jen & Kisha hop on their bikes while the Cheerleaders follow them. Apparently the Cheerleaders got really lost beforehand or the Sisters weren’t that far behind. Tammy and Victor speed ahead while enjoying the sights of Tiananmen Square. They really seem to be enjoying themselves. If I was this close to the end I’d be panic-shitting the whole time.
They open the clue and it’s a Detour: Beijing Opera or Chinese Waiter! In the opera challenge, they must put on make-up to look like a princess and gentleman of the opera. In the waiter challenge, they must take orders given in Mandarin and correctly recite them to the Chef. OMG. I’d pay GOOD MONEY to see Jaime forced into the waiter challenge. Tammy and Victor wisely choose the waiter challenge. HUGE ADVANTAGE.
Luke and Margie get behind but luckily find what must be China’s only English-speaking citizen. I say this only because they haven’t run into one yet. Luke keeps in with the “Let’s GO!” If Margie doesn’t pop him I just might. And I’d hate to ruin my monitor.
While on the way to the detour, Kisha says she wants to be painted as the “princess” since she never gets to be one. Jen rolls her eyes about it. Ummm Jen? I gotta say that after your stellar performance at the swim challenge – you should make your sister up as the prettiest fucking Chinese princess since Mulan.
I love it when Jaime and Cara are riding their bikes and Jaime sees the beautiful sights and says, “WOW! Look Cara!” You know she wanted to follow it with “There’s just SO MUCH of it to hate!”
On the way into the waiter challenge, Victor remarks…
Don’t laugh! It’s true…
Their parents are totally David Carradine and Daryl Hannah.
Once Tammy and Victor start taking orders they fuck up the first one thinking it’s “squid” instead of “fish”. Seriously?! Just write down what they’re saying! Don’t translate it! Honestly – only these two could make something that’s easy for them so difficult. They of course get sent back to try again.
Kisha and Jen arrive at the Opera House and start in with the make-over…
Where Kisha immediately asks for the “Michael Jackson” look.
Margie and Luke arrive right behind them. Both teams say (privately) how much they don’t want the other team to make it. Does anyone else wonder if this story ends with “And suddenly a shot rang out.”?
Luke and Margie start hitting heads over make-up. Luke is making her up like a Chinese whore rather than an opera princess. Waaaaaay too much make-up.
Adam Lambert?! You’re on the wrong reality show! Geez.
Margie is FLIPPING out that she looks like an Alice Cooper / Drag Queen. I would’ve said Mai Thai Trannie. Hopefully the next challenge is “Raise $10 on the streets of Beijing.” Luke snaps at his mother and throws the brush saying that he’s “FINISHED!” Ugh – what a brat!!! She needs to take him by the ear and straighten his ass out.
Meanwhile Kisha readies Jen to become the next ball for the Harlem Globetrotters.
Tammy and Victor take another round of orders at the restaurant and realize what they screwed up. As they head into the kitchen Victor says, “I’ll let you do it all this time.” And then talks over her as she reads every item. Oh Victor. You can still be douchey in a whole other language.
They get their next clue and can’t even pronounce its name. This should be good! Most importantly, the clue leads them to the 2nd and last “U-Turn”. And this one ISN’T a blind U-Turn. Oh snap! Heads are gonna roll! PLEASE let them use it on the Cheerleaders! Or Margie and Luke to get even (they used the first one).
Back in the taxi, Cara and Jaime start singing to the cabbie to get him to realize they need to go to the Opera.
“Cabbie can you heeeeear me?!”After that performance I’m almost sure he’ll be taking them to Beijing’s Crime Victim’s Unit.
Kisha and Jen get to take their bows but… who the hell is Jen bowing to?! How much make-up did Kisha put in her eyes?!
But Tammy and Victor get to the U-Turn first – AND U-TURN KISHA AND JEN!!! WTF?!?! HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU TWO?! They were in last place! And they’re only half as awful as the other 2 teams! Idiots! Oh well. I hope they leave a note: “Sorry we just fucked you out of a million dollars. Kisses.”
The next clue instructs them to go to a street market. Meanwhile Jen and Kisha roam the streets looking flippin’ crazy. Wait ’til they see the “U-Turn”.
Jaime and Cara are still lost since their taxi driver brought them to the wrong opera house. How many opera houses are there in Beijing?!
Back at the correct opera house, Margie and Luke finish…
Introducing the World’s Saddest Looking Clown and Darth Maul!
Tammy and Victor reach the market and find a Roadblock! Eat street food! Oh dear God…
I’d rather eat food literally found on the street. Like eat it off of a dirty man hole. Wait. THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!
Victor’s about to eat the shit raw and then realizes they still have to fry it. That wouldn’t been AWESOME if he scarfed down the whole plate and they were like, “Uhhh we had to fry first. You now have worms. Hospital that way.”
Wow. Victor sure knows how to nibble the tip.
Kisha and Jen continue to search for the U-Turn while looking like a “hot mess”. Luckily for Luke and Margie, Luke knows that U-Turn’s are close by the Detour and they stay close to look for it. (Well – props to Luke for knowing that.)
On the back end of the race, Jaime and Cara CANNOT find a vacant taxi. Hmm. Perhaps word got out to all of China’s taxis?!? “DO NOT PICK UP VICIOUS RED HEADS! BAD BAD! FULL OF ANGER SO HARD!”
Jen and Kisha still can’t find the U-Turn and Jen says, “she’s frustrated being in China.” Does anyone else know if this is the longest teams have ever been in one country? It seems like I’ve been writing about China for weeks now.
Margie and Luke find a young girl that can speak English and latch on to her like white on rice.
Uhh… Not so sure I’d go along with that hot mess if I ran into it on the street.
Jaime and Cara decide to do the opera challenge (of course!) because they’re really good with make-up. That’s true – it’s not easy covering up pure evil and making it look pretty every day.
I got so excited that someone just hauled off and smacked her. Nope. Just make-up magic!
Victor finishes the food challenge by eating the innards of a star fish. SOOOOO GROSS! I wonder if it’ll grow back together together in his tummy. Aaaaand I just made myself sick. Damn you, imagination!
Tammy and Victor get the clue for the pit stop – Niao Chao – the “Bird’s Nest” that was home to the 2008 Olympics.
Jaime and Cara quickly finish the make-up challenge…
But not before Cara tries to pick the winner! Who’s my classy girl?
Now all teams, except for Tammy and Victor, are searching for the U-Turn out on the streets. It’s like watching a slow boil as they all get sent around in circles trying to find what is practically right under their noses.
How much cheer could a woodchuck cheer if a woodchuck could cheer wood?
World’s Saddest Windmill
Margie and Luke’s lil’ tourguide finally figures out where it is and leads them to the U-Turn. They are THRILLED to find out it’s the sisters who got U-Turned. I can only imagine the meltdown Momma’s Boy would’ve had if it was them.
Meanwhile, Victor and Tammy make it to the Bird’s Nest and check in as Team #1! They get a trip to the Galapagos! Spoiled! Well, at least we can all be happy Jaime’s head will spin around when she learns what they missed out on.
Kisha and Jen get the smart idea to head back to the Opera House to look for the U-Turn while the Cheerleaders decide it’s best to stand there and whine about hating China. Good plan. Stick to it.
Margie and Luke reach the food challenge and since Luke just HAD to be the one to get a foot massage, Margie now has to eat crazy shit. That should do wonders to her digestion at her age. My mother would’ve just turned to me right then and there and been like “It was fun. Let’s go home.”
Back at the U-turn, Kisha and Jen discover that THEY’RE the ones getting U-Turned. I’m so pissed. It would’ve been GREAT to see Jaime forced into the waiter challenge.
At least Tammy and Victor were nice enough to sign her chest.
I have to say Kisha’s definitely turning into the stronger one. She keeps going “Come on Jen!” and trying to get her pissy sister to pull it together. Jen’s getting on my nerves. PULL IT TOGETHER MISSY!
Speaking of crying and whining. Jaime and Cara are still on the streets of Beijing looking for the U-Turn. Wouldn’t you think that after 2 teams left in the same direction and never came back they’d catch on?! Jaime says, “We’ll try this way again since we’re obviously missing something.” Yes, you are. It’s made of gray matter and it should be between your ears.
Meanwhile Margie is presently giving herself a year of indigestion at the food challenge. At one point Luke smiles at the camera while she’s doing it.
If I was Margie and I caught him smiling at the camera, there would be several red-faced marks on that table in front of them.
Kisha and Jen start off with the waiter challenge with a good try but it quickly goes downhill from there. For instance…
The lady orders this.
But she’s gonna get this. And that’s just gross… period.
Things quickly deteriorate after the first try and Jen snaps at the guests…
Yeah! They speak English! Minus the verbs of course. They can’t be bothered with those.
And they’re getting dangerously close to propositioning this guy for a 3 way.
Meanwhile, Jaime and Cara are STILL looking for the U-Turn. Jaime says it is “By far one of the worst days of my life.” I would’ve said it was the day Beelzebub inherited her body and soul – but that’s just me.
When that head pops back up it’s going to spit green vomit and fire.
Margie finally finishes the nasty food and they head to the Pit Stop. Luke’s all excited and she just glares at him. Love it!
In an amazing surprise, the Sisters get their 3rd try right and complete the waiter challenge – with Jaime and Cara STILL looking for the U-Turn!!!
And how are our dear Cheerleaders handling that?
“This is why I didn’t want to go to China. IT SUCKS.” This message brought to you by the Tourism Board of Tibet!
Kisha and Jen make it to the street food challenge and Jen takes it on. She’s happy it’s fried. I’d imagine that really enhances the flavor. She starts to dig into it. Girl might just make up for the whole swimming debacle.
Then Jaime and Cara FINALLY find the U-Turn and rejoice! Just kidding, Jaime decides to be a total twat waffle to Cara instead. She comments that Kisha and Jen probably already finished their U-Turn and Cara responds, “First of all, if we’re going to be defeatists, then why even bother.” And Jaime snaps (while RIPPING the clue out of Cara’s hands), “Oh – as if you haven’t been acting that way the whole time Cara!” OOOOMMMMMGGGG. First of all, props to Cara for using a word I’d bet money they didn’t know. Secondly, how she didn’t cram that silly fucking hat up Jaime’s ignorant ass is BEYOND ME.
They continue on while Jaime bitches that she said to go back to the Opera House all along. I’m just saying it now. IF JAIME WINS THIS RACE THERE IS NO GOD AND NO HOPE FOR HUMANITY.
Up at the pit stop, Margie and Luke check in as Team #2. They’re very excited and Margie comments that she’s actually having a great time. Riiight.
Back at the street food challenge, Jen is choking the food down while Cara and Jaime roll up. Kisha tells Jen to hurry but Jen says, “I’m sure they ain’t gonna eat this swift unless they have no gag reflexes.” UMMM – HAVE YOU MET THEM?!? That’s the ONE THING they must have going for them! Deep-throating is the requisite audition for Cheerleaders! EAT JEN EAT!!! Jaime’s next comment: “OK Cara you just have to shove them down your throat!” OH COME ON!!! It’s auditions all over again!
Cara immediately plows into the grub and eats it like a fucking champ!
She pops the bugs in her mouth like tic tacs and then gives a shitty grin to Jen while Jen pukes. Ok – so this is the one time I’ve liked Cara the whole race. Bitch is crazy!
Jen finishes first but the Sisters take awhile to get a cab so the Cheerleaders are close behind them. It’s gonna be a nail-biter!
Both teams are in their cabs and it’s really close. Although Jen seems to be freaking out that she has to pee. Kisha and Jen get to the bird’s nest BUT OH MY GOD. Jen stops to FUCKING PEE!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! TO PEE!!?! I’d urinate on my favorite jeans if it meant getting a million dollars. I’d urinate on ANYTHING for a million dollars!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?! KISHA!! DRAG HER ASS OUT OF THE BATHROOM!!!
Meanwhile the Cheerleaders arrive and it’s now an equal foot race!!! AND FUCK A DUCK THEY CHECK IN THIRD!!! THIRD!!! FUUUUUCK!
Kisha and Jen then bumble their way up to the mat and Phil shuts them down. He then asks Jen how she feels, AKA “How do you feel about PISSING away a million dollars?!?” Unless her answer is “Incredibly fucking stupid!” I wouldn’t accept any apologies. Instead she just says she “had to use the bathroom” and Kisha makes excuses for her. EPIC FAIL LADIES. EPIC!!!
And that’s it! Can you believe it?!!? I’ve never seen such blatant disregard for the fact they they’re in a RACE FOR A MILLION DOLLARS. She’ll never live that shit down. So what did you all think?! There was a ton going on in this episode. Everyone agree with me on everything?! Or am I a twat waffle? (Had to say it just one more time.) DISH IT!