Amazing Race: I Annoint Thee Queen Ohellno!

Welcome back everyone! Last week Team Master Race mastered yet another race, Ms. America was left hanging, the BroMos flipped over and out on each other and then stole Team Oreo’s taxi. OH. HELL. NO. Bitches gonna get served! Why?! Cause this ain’t the projects… this is THE AMAZING RACE!

We start out at Prague Castle where we left the teams last. Team Master Race heads out first to the next clue, the Spanish Synagogue. The city’s oldest Jewish house of prayer. How vill they ever find it with the traffic and the people and my back is killing me why don’t they ever call their mother…OY!

Meghan and Cheyne head out and claim they’ll continue to dominate. You know what’s really sad?

With a face like that would you really believe that they have dominated this race?

After they arrive to the clue box they find the next clue (but not before an older woman can ask them why they’re not wearing a heavier jacket in such weather as this, they could catch the pneumonia and die a thousand deaths and…) which is to head to the Ekotechnicke Museum.

Next off, Team BroMos head to the synagogue where I hope they’re gonna pray Ms. America never catches up to them. She’s got a ven-to-the-detta.

Team Master Race arrives and finds a detour! “In order to attain the impossible one must attempt the absurd.” Meghan spends every day with Vanilla Boresville Cheyne – isn’t that enough? It turns out the challenge has to do with Franz Kafka and the “absurd” challenge of picking up many phones to find the ones with people that have letters to give them to unscramble a word to spell “Franz”. And that, my friends, is a run on sentence.

“Ahperators are standing by to take your Snuggie order now and— wait… where the faahhk are my aahhperators?!? “

Meghan decides to take the challenge because she’s up for it and Cheyne’s totally fucking useless (can anyone tell it’s getting to the end of the season for me?!) She dives right in and starts answering phones. Every once in awhile she gets a creepy voice on the other end that says one of the letters.

“That’s “R” as in, “Really?! You like Cheyne? REALLY?!”

Next off, in 3rd place, is Team Trotters. They say that being who they really are is what’s gonna put them in the final three. That’s the oddest super power I’ve ever heard of. I can tell you who they’re NOT. Watch-readers and horse jockeys.

Meghan quickly gets all of the letters off of the phone lines and then goes to fill out the chart, including the scrambled word. The chart has random questions before the scrambled part to try and get her to forget the letters.

Clearly the first question was, “List anything interesting about Cheyne.”

Team BroMos then arrive at the Museum while Meghan gets the quiz right and Team Master Race heads off to the next clue stop, “Kryocentrum”.

Master Race tries to snatch the boys’ cab but they already made sure the driver waits for them…

Wow. Poor guy has no clue what that sounds like.

Dan decides to do the challenge which is awesome since he has the patience of a 2 year old with ADD. Even better is that Sam pretty much says just that after Dan leaves to go inside.

Dan quickly starts getting letters to unscramble…

I KNOW IT! I KNOW IT!!!! Dan’s nickname!!!

Just as Dan finishes getting his letters, Team Trotters arrive and start in. Luckily for the Trotters, Dan’s already failed the first quiz.

Meanwhile, Team Master Race, has already arrived at the next stop and challenge – strip down and freeze your ass off in a chamber for 2 minutes.

To give you an idea of how cold it is, this gentleman has experience 86% shrinkage.

Also, this is what these two wear when it’s “Nookie Night”. No lie.

Team Oreo FINALLY takes off from the start line and heads right into their “Speed Bump”…

I’m sorry… WHAT?!! LOVE IT!!!

OMG. Girl’s gonna get smashed and then go rough up the BroMos!

Up ahead at the “supervisor’s office”, aka quiz graders, Dan calls them “douches”. Wow. Hey Douchey Pot – you’re calling the kettle black.

While Dan pisses and moans about how hard it is, Team Trotters catches up and puts their first quiz in. They fail it too and then… wait for it… the two nemesis decide to work together!!! Wow. Talk about desperate times and desperate measures!

However, it turns out that 0 brains + 0 brains = 0 brains. Instead of actually thinking and trying to unscramble the word, they just set to work on the “try every friggin’ combo” method.

After freezing what seems to be their personality off, Team Master Race gets their next clue: head to the Charles Bridge.

Back at the bar…

Ms. America teaches 2 bartenders what to do if anyone ever steals your cab or crosses you in general.

HAHAHA Best part is Brian doesn’t drink AT ALL. Oh lord. This is where he has one shot, loses his shit, backhands Ms. America and blames the Jews for everything wrong in the world.

Instead, after the shot, he turns and realizes he’s dating a black girl.

Up ahead at the Museum… TREACHERY!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT. Dan gets the word right first and the just turns to the Trotter and says, “It starts with “F”.” He night has well added, “F as in FUCK YOU.” UHHHH – THAT WASN’T THE DEAL!!! Holy shit he soooo just took karma and raped it with a crooked hammer.

Big Easy calls him out on it, but instead Dan decides to just leave and the BroMos take off. WOW. Can’t believe it!

Meanwhile, Team Oreo finally arrives to the phone challenge while Big Easy is still trying to guess the right word.

At the front of the race (STILL), Team Master Race comes to the next detour: Legend (make a scary “gollum” statue and bring it to a jewish house of prayer) and Lager (bring platters of pints across town). Team Master Race chooses Legend. Otherwise they might get drunk and have fun – causing Cheyne’s head to split open.

Team BroMos arrives to the ice chamber, changes and head right in.

What happens in the ice chamber… STAYS in the ice chamber.

Back at the supervisor’s office, Brian arrives to fail his first quiz while Big Easy is STILL there. Poor guy. He said he’s been there about 2.5 hours! This is like the great “watch fail” all over again!

Up at the “Gollum” challenge, Team Master Race arrives and gets to work on covering him in mud…

Meghan: Once Cheyne was really fat and this is how I used to bathe him. So it’s cool. Now he’s beautiful. He’s lost over 100 lbs of personality.

Team BroMos finishes the deep freeze and swear never to speak of it again. They get the clue to go to the “Charles Bridge” and, of course, Sam says, “Oh that’s a beautiful bridge!” I kind of love that he’s a travel nerd but wanna punch him at the same time.

This message was brought to you by “Travel Germany.”

Then after a 3rd try Brian get’s the word right! Franz! Oh snap! Poor Big Easy! However, the little sneak tries to read the answer over Brian’s shoulder. Cheater! I know… I know… it’s how they did it in the projects.

Brian jumps for joy outside and exclaims, “And I did it drunk!!!” Oh my. Boy is drunk off one shot. Ms. America probably rubs a little rum on his gums whenever she wants something.

Big Easy tries again and FAILS! OMG! Looks like he didn’t cheat every well! He comes out of the building and the Trotters decide to take the 4 hour penalty!!! WHAT?!!? WHY?!!? Just keep guessing!!!!

I imagine this will be Flight Time’s reaction when he finds out what the word was.

Team Master Race finishes covering Gollum with mud and starts rolling him to the synagogue. Cheyne complains how heavy he is and Meghan misses her chance to say, “Oh… is it about as heavy as…ohh i don’t know…. 50 DIFFERENT BALES OF FUCKING HAY?!?!”

Team BroMos arrive at the detour and choose the Gollum task as Team Oreo arrives at the freezer tour. Ms. America tells us that she’s from Florida and she HATES the cold. Awww…

This is the protective gear they make her wear when she gets angry. It’s for everyone else’s protection.

BTW what’s up with the creepy gauntlet of stuffed animals they have to pass through?!

Remember that scene in “Star Wars” where Luke slays that animal and sleeps inside of it to stay warm? All I’m saying is, watch your back Brian.

Up ahead, Meghan and Cheyne are struggling to carry Gollum. Actually, Meghan is trying her best and Cheyne is crying that it’s too heavy.

AND THIS IS LITERALLY THE SNAP SHOT OF MEGHAN’S FACE WHEN HE SAID IT!!! Love it! BOYFRIEND FAIL!

Team BroMos then arrive and start rubbing mud all over his his body. It’s a pretty simple. Right before they started they said, “Remember the foam party sponsored by KY in West Hollywood?! Let’s do this!”

Sam leaves Dan alone with Gollum for 2 seconds and he drops it, breaks his arm and freaks out. Ugh. I think I know who babysat who when they were young.

Up ahead, Team Master Race is really struggling over the weight of Gollum. Meghan keeps her cool while Cheyne wails, moans and grunts about it. May favorite part is the reactions of the Czech’s walking by…

Czech #1: “Just keep walking. I see nothing.” Czechs #2 & #3: “These American tourists buy the stupidist fucking souvenirs.

Back with the BroMos, Sam comments that slapping the mud on “sounds weird”. Riiiight. You’ve never heard that sound before. Just like Cheyne’s never heard Meghan whine his name out loud. Of course the brothers start to argue over it. Best line: “You can’t have dirt all over it or the Rabbi’s gonna be pissed.” LOVE IT! Only on The Amazing Race.

Team Oreo chooses the beer detour and asks a drunk Czech for directions. His response was literally, “I….(burp)…lost.” HAHAHAHA… I wanna go to the Czech Republic!

Team Master Race finally arrives to the synagogue and the Rabbis are very, very pleased so they get their clue. Personally I was hoping Cheyne would be forced into a briss. The clue is the next pit stop: Strelecky Ostrov. UGH! They’re gonna win ANOTHER LEG!!!

Team BroMos is having it out over carrying Gollum and his broken arm. Dan wants to leave him in the street to go look for a synagogue while Sam wants to carry on with him. It’s basically the dirtiest, most immature three-way you’ve ever seen.

At the beer challenge, Team Oreo is trying to carry platters of beer while Czech boys harass Ms. America.

   

I love how the boys back off when Brian yells when really it’s Ms. America that would’ve choked the piss out of them with their own scarves.

Up ahead at the pit stop, Team Master Race checks in as (yawn) team #1.

Good God I hope the prize is a shirt for Cheyne. He wins the prize for white trashiest pit stop look ever.

Back with the BroMos, things are quickly deteriorating into a screaming match behind Gollum.

Back at the Museum, although completely screwed, Team Trotters is staying positive and jovial. Big Easy takes the time to explain how many quizzes he went through…

Back at the beer challenge, Team Oreo is having troubles with their brewskies. Ms. America drops ALL of her glasses right before delivery and flips out saying she wants to do the other challenge (they’re SO screwed if they do). Brian tries to keep her calm (at the risk of her detonating and taking out most of Eastern Europe with her) and convinces her to stay at it. There’s alot of handing waving and side-to-side neck moving.

As they continue to walk through the streets they keep running into the funniest friggin’ drunks and Ms. America is about to blow her top at one of them. LOVE THIS.

Ahhh the ever cordial “Czech Hello”.

Soon Team Oreo delivers the beers and head back for more. Back over at the BroMos, things have gotten worse and it seems as if Sam’s gonna give Dan a taste of his own teeth.

OMG DYING!!! I looooove Ms. America! Some chick tries to swipe a beer from Brian and she screams, “SHE IS ABOUT TO GET HER ASS BEAT!!!” AWESOME! I hope the producers took a shitload of insurance out for possible lawsuits. She’s seriously gonna make a fucking hat out of someone before the end of this race! Then she yells at some guys, “Touch me and you get punched!” Ahhhhh!!! That seals the deal. I SO want these two to win!!!!

Back at the Trotter’s Camp…

It was nice knowing ya boys.

Team BroMos finally turns in their Gollum and though I was just PRAYING the Rabbi’s would reject it because of the broken arm (apparently I was praying to the wrong God) they accept it and give them the clue to the pit stop. Once in the car Sam admits he was a total baby. WHY?!!? Why does he always come clean right after he’s a total ass?! Does he not see that DURING his tantrums?!

The BroMos then reach the pit stop and rejoice with love and happiness when they find out they’re team number 2. Oh sure. I would’ve liked to see the hugs and kisses if they were team #4. I love that Phil asks them, “You really think you can beat those guys (Team Master Race)?” Even Phil knows this shit’s in the bag.

Team Trotters finally get their clue from the supervisors (I’m sure they were thrilled to wait up all night!) and head off to the detour. Meanwhile Team Oreo finally brings the last of the beers to a very hungover and cranky drunk.

And with that… Team Oreo checks in as team #3!!!!

To which Brian celebrates by having a chocolate muffin for breakfast.

Awwww Team Trotters makes it to the next clue box and it says “Make your way to the next pit stop.” That’s no challenge! So sad. They check in and are eliminated. Wah wah waaaaahhh. It’s so sweet though – they’re really positive with each other and show the love. For the hood, dogs!!! For the hood! Now go enjoy yourselves and help hold the BroMos down as Ms. America guts them.

Wow! What a leg! What did you all think!? Is Sam gonna tank it harder than Cheyne in the final leg?! Which one will be more of a “fail” to their team?! And how awesome is Ms. America?! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!