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Hooray! The start of another fantastic season of Amazing Race! I just peed myself in 12 different languages I’m so excited!
For those of you who want a rundown of the teams – check out my previous recap for all the goods. Let’s jump right into it now! We start off with a shot of Marine helicopters swooping in on Los Alamitos, CA! Just when I think this season is starting off with a military coup d’etat of California, 11 delinquent teams of 2 jump out of them!
The show starts off with intros of the teams again. Nothing that wasn’t already covered in the previous recap – except for this highlight: While talking about being gay, they show Mike and Mel doing this:
Really? Gay? You sure about that?
And my hopes were right! It only took the producers 3 minutes and 9 seconds into the first episode to show Kris with his shirt off!
Meanwhile Mark and Michael show us how they reach the cookie jar at home.
Everyone gathers at the start line and waits for Phil (my hero) to say those famous words:
Phil is getting INTO it this season! Someone’s pissed he got shafted at the Emmy’s!
Teams race to their bags and find out that their first destination is SWITZERLAND! Oooh! The swiss miss blondes should blend in well.
Teams jump in their cars and head for the airport. Everyone’s jazzing their pants that they’re officially on the amazing race. Luke, the deaf contestant, is especially excited and signs “We’re on the Amazing Race!” which is cool because now I know how to sign “Amazing Race”.
I’ll probably also get to learn how to sign “Where the fuck are we?”, “I’m deaf because you never loved me enough!” and “Can someone resuscitate my mother?”
Off to the opening credits and WOWZA! Poppa’s got a snazzy new intro! The music’s all remixed and there’s all new shots of the world. It really makes ME want to run the Amazing Race! And then I realize some sarcastic bastard like me would be writing about me and I think better of it.
OOHHH!!! AND they’re using google earth to show flight patterns and travel! Look at you! Fancy new gadgets all around! I guess after winning a bajillion Emmys CBS finally decided to throw some cash their way! And then they blew it on MAPS.
Teams race to LAX and choose between flights to find the fastest one. Tammy and Victor get on the flight to Zurich and learn their first AR lesson:
Never let the ticketing agent choose your seats. Hope you weren’t planning on sleeping on that 12 hour flight! I love the pillow – that way they can sleep at the ever-comfortable 70 degree angle.
Meanwhile Kisha & Jen and Mel & Mike take the flight to Milan – hoping the train ride to Switzerland will be faster than the other teams. The lovable hicks, Linda and Steve, are nervous about leaving the US for the first time. I wouldn’t be. Everyone in Europe smokes, smells and talks with a funny accent – how different can that be from the south? I kid! I kid!
Once teams land they make a dash to their respective train stations. Preston and Jennifer cannot find one however and Jennifer comments, “I’ve never in my life even been to a train station.” WHAT?! Even if you come from nowhere – isn’t a train station all they HAVE?! And of course they miss the train. MORONS.
Brad and Victoria (Team Snore Bore) are excited to be on a train headed through the Swiss Alps. Brad starts to tear up about it which is pretty sweet. The other teams are gonna eat them alive.
Tammy and Victor talk about how they’re jealous that Luke and Margie can converse so well. Tammy says Luke is just as capable if not more than everyone else and then Luke prays that the other teams all missed their flights proving most importantly, he can be as catty as anyone else. Love it!
Back at the train station, Preston and Jennifer start tearing into each other for being behind. This is 10 minutes into the show folks! I hope they make it to the end and finish second. KABOOM!
The flight attendants on the other hand are playing it smart and getting help. They come across this lady:
Who clearly should be helping Mark and Michael – come on lady – help your lil’ brothers out!
The lady really helps them and the girls end up getting to the Church (where their next clue and departure sign-up for the next day is) first! And here I thought they’d only be good at handing out shitty meals and pillows that smell like fart.
Tammy & Victor, Margie & Luke, Mark & Michael and Brad & Victoria are all close behind. Jaime & Cara bring up the rear. Margie won’t shut up about being old and doing well on the race. Meanwhile Mike and his 120 year old father roll up right behind them.
Kisha and Jen end up getting one of the last of the 3 departure times (7:45am) for the next day with Amanda & Kris and a newly bickering hick couple. Awwww! Don’t fight! You’re suppose to be the lovable couple we’re surprised we don’t hate!
Preston and Jennifer come in last – now and probably for everything they’ll ever do in life. ZING!
Teams then retire to a CAMP with STRAW beds. Maybe if the producers hadn’t blown all the money on a snazzy intro and google maps they could afford to put them up at a Days Inn at least.
AND THEN MY HEART BREAKS!!! The hick couple are still fighting! Steve yells at Linda for not running fast enough and she just starts apologizing and bawling! OMG! So sad!
Don’t take that shit from him Linda! Kick him in the nuts and tell him the 80′s called and wants its head bandana back! And is he chewing on hay straw?! GOOD LORD! Where’s his friggin banjo?!
The next morning teams receive their clue for the next stop: Vezasca Dam. After listening to Victor and Mike ask for directions – I’m pretty sure they’re in competition for a Michael Jackson sound-a-like contest. AH HEE HEE!
The Flight Attendants start waiting for a Taxi…
And Jodi’s freaking out because it’s been 12 hours since her last botox shot and she’ll soon look like:
“Shhh… no one knows I’ve had work done!”
Teams are all having a bitch of a time finding taxis. Finally some start to arrive at the dam to find their first ROAD BLOCK! A 70-STORY BUNGEE JUMP OFF THE DAM!!! Holy shit. I hope everyone brought and extra pair of pants. I’d leave a 70-story skidmark down that thing.
Everyone quickly choose the poor bastard in each team that has to hurl themselves off the dam. I’d have to “paper/rock/scissors” with my partner or I’d severely resent them forever. Good lord – I hope the old folk don’t have cardiac arrest around the 30th story down.
Other teams are just leaving the church and trying to catch up. Linda asks her cabbie to “Go fast but observe the speed limit!” HAHAHA. Oh Linda. Steve starts to take off his belt just as they switch to a different couple.
Back at the dam – people are freaking out about the jump. Victor is the first to jump and… he survives! I hope he makes his sister do the worst challenges after this. M&M are up next and I can’t tell which one’s which so I’ll just say the one that looks like Ponch from Chips takes the jump. Out of the flight attendants it’s Jodi taking the plunge. There’s no way her face is going to withstand those g-forces.
Luke takes the leap next…
I can think of one sign I’d be giving my mother if she made me do this.
Victoria then jumps since Brad can’t take his EKG with him on the way down. Meanwhile Jodie is looking for the emergency exit. She is NOT happy about doing this! She finally takes the leap and then has the most subdued reaction to it! You’d think she just finished washing windows. Maybe she’s playing it cool so Christi will be surprised when she tosses her ass over.
Teams now have to catch a train to Interlaken. Tammy and Victor are already starting to deceive other teams. Let the fun begin! They try to pretend they don’t know if they’re getting on the right train when they do. Mel calls them out and says “It’s not the we don’t trust you – It’s that we don’t trust you.” I’m surprised that wasn’t the title of the show!
The rest of the teams all finish jumping with their bowels remaining intact. I thought for sure when Steve jumped that he’d have shit fly out of his pockets – rusty knives, dirty tooth picks, dvd of “Deliverance” – but no.
BTW – Of course the flight attendants have rolling suitcases instead of backpacks. 50lbs of make-up and the “rabbit” is a bitch to backpack.
At the train station, the Flighties snatch the earlier train while Brad & Victoria take the later train which arrives earlier!
Up ahead at Interlaken, teams have arrived and find a ROUTE INFO cheese challenge! They have to carry 200lbs of cheese down a hill in the world’s most uncomfortable backpack and stack it.
Jennifer knocks Michael out of the way at the clue box and then sarcastically goes “Oops sorry!” Michael cries “Aww come on!” Careful Jennifer – don’t piss him off – I’ve seen what happens with those lil’ guys get angry!
My clue! Miiiiiiine!
Teams start running up Sprain-Your-Ankle Mountain with the rickety, ancient cheese-carriers.
At the top they start figuring out how the fuck to carry 200lbs of cheese down a muddy slope with cheese racks made by a 4th grade shop class.
Meanwhile, the old-school cheese-carriers look on with disgust…
“Pussies. In my day I’d strap the cheese to my nuts and drag it down!”
People are biting it all over and it’s hysterical to watch. Luke totally eats it and his cheese-carrier busts into a million pieces…
And this is why you never buy your cheese-carrier at IKEA. Is anyone surprised that the same people who make that shit furniture make these things?
Luke’s cheese then rolls down the hill towards some houses while the old cheese-carriers laugh their asses off at him. If there was a God that cheese wheel would’ve rolled down the hill and crushed those old bastards.
Mel decides to slide on his ass with the cheese. Which was a great idea until his ‘roids activated.
Which then activates the Nile River of all veins in Mike’s head.
Luke and Margie are the first team to finish carrying the cheese! They get their clue and are off to the PIT STOP! Stechelberg!
Soon the second wave of teams arrive at the cheese challenge. Oh crap – Linda’s gonna have a fucking asthma attack while Steve drags her ass to the top. Aaaaaand she pretty much does. Oh God – I don’t know if it’s more painful for her to climb or for us to watch.
“Must…get…to…top…and…DIE.” Yikes. She looks like shit. And she’s gonna look even worse when Steve holds onto the cheese and rides her down the hill.
Christie and Jodi finally arrive and are in last place.
Best quote of the episode: Linda (carrying her board towards the cheese): “We gotta fit all 200lbs on here.” LMAO!!! Riiiiight lady.
Luke and Margie arrive at the pit stop but have to listen for the yodelers at the mat in order to find them. I really want Luke to get to the mat and be like, “OMG! I can HEAR them!!!” Everyone: REALLY!??! Luke: No. Not really. I’m deaf you Assholes.
They finally find the mat – step on it – and Phil signs to them that they’re TEAM NUMBER ONE! Although…
I’m no sign language expert but I’m almost positive he’s flicking them off with his thumbs and/or telling them he’s got their noses.
Victor & Tammy and the lil’ guys finish 2nd and 3rd.
Back at Cheese Mountain, teams are getting creative on how to carry the cheese. Steve makes a sled with his and drags 3 while Linda shuffles down on her ass with 1. I think Steve’s idea of using a harness on Linda and cracking a whip was much better but – that’s me.
Meanwhile Hottie Kris decides to just toss them on his shoulders and walk down. WHAT?! HOLY SHIT! Although he IS used to carrying one block on cheese on his shoulders all of the time. Hey oh!
Back at the mat, Mel and Mike are 4th to check in and Kris & Amanda are right behind them. Steve and Linda (amazingly enough) finish with the cheese and make it to the pit stop area but can’t find the yodelers at the mat. Steve falls on his ass and I was praying that Linda would yell “This is now time to sit down and relax!” But nope.
Brad and Victoria beat them to the mat and come in #6. Jaime and Cara beat ‘em too and come in as team #7. Steve & Linda are STILL looking for the friggin’ yodelers when Kisha and Jen check in. Ummm – I thought there was only ONE deaf person on this show?!? FOLLOW THE FRIGGIN’ MUSIC! SHIT. Maybe if they were blowing in a jug of moonshine they could hear them.
The last two teams are arrive at the pitstop: Flight Attendants and Preston/Jennifer! It’s a foot race for the finish line. And you know what helps in a foot race?!
USING YOUR FUCKING FEET!!!
So – thanks to Jennifer’s lazy ass, Preston and Jennifer are ELIMINATED! I’m PISSED because they were gonna be so much drama to watch! Damn it! It could have been another season of Ken and Tina!
Jennifer starts crying because she says she feels like she let Preston down. Awww….
And that’s it!!! What’d everyone think?!? Teams you love? Teams you hate?! Who’s gonna win it?! Come on kids aaaaaand DISH IT!