Amazing Race: Ken and Tina?! Really?!

Hey everyone! I was in not one, but TWO weddings in the last week and a half – so my apologies for the late recaps! I’ll say this – it’s not easy being a bride’s best man. What’s a bride’s best man you ask?! It’s short for, “Bitch”. Thanks for your patience and I’ll have the recaps caught up in Ken & Tina-like speed!

Last episode we learned that a fallen sports-bra symbolizes the fall of decency, the fall of Christy off a bike and into a wall symbolizes God has a sense of humor and the fall of the Nerds made us all a little sad. We start this week hoping that things will improve but excited that they’ll only get worse – lower your expectations folks – it’s AMAZING RACE!

Teams ended up in La Paz, Bolivia for a mandatory rest period. And what better way to start off a relaxing rest period?

Than a good ol’ bitchfest from our two favorite Bitter Betty’s!

That’s right – Christy and Kelly go right for Nick & Starr’s jugular at the pitstop and tell them “Nah ah! Oh heeeellllll no!” or something like that. They’re are BENT that they told Aja & Ty to U-Turn them! You know what I love though? I love that we got ZERO footage of this kerfluffel!!! ZERO!!! WTF?! We get 10 minutes of Mark sucking on an oxygen tank in the last episode – and NONE of this?!

After coming in first at the last pit stop, Ken and Tina are the first to leave and find out that the next destination is Auckland, New Zealand. Tina is ecstatic when she finds out. What’s with all the positive energy Tina?! Maybe she’s just excited to stop butchering the Spanish language.

Once they’re in Auckland, they must find giant knots and untie them for their next clue. Awww – I can’t wait for the Blondes to keep crying, “But the rabbit goes through the hole!” for hours.

I’ve learned this is the portion of the show where we get team updates, so:

* Ken and Tina feel that (because they’re winning) there relationship has taken a good turn (until Ken nails all the hot Kiwi girls in Auckland.)

*Dallas thinks his mom is thinking of him as an adult now because he is “smart, good” and yet he doesn’t even “know where New Zealand is”. It’s OK Dallas. Take off your shirt.

*We’re reminded that Terrance and Sarah are newly dating (and that Sarah is either deaf, dumb and blind OR needs to have her fucking head examined).

*The blondes are realizing the can do just about anything they put their minds to. Unless it’s something that they need brains for. Then they’re fucked.

*Aja and Ty are trying to find the thin line of pushing that person but not hurting their feelings. Ask Tina, I’m sure she’s good at pushing people just right – especially through walls.

*Andrew is loving that he’s getting more power over Dan since he was an asset in the last leg. Actually it’s better to say he was less of a mess than Dan was.

*The divorcees reaffirm that they hate Nick and Starr. And so the epic saga continues. This won’t end until blood is shed.

At the airport, Sarah busts out some fluent-sounding Spanish and gets to use a stranger’s computer. Meanwhile, Dan busts out some English and gets the same thing. He’s brilliant. They’re also bonding with the blondes because they know they’re not a threat – and cute at the same time. Gross. I hope the blondes use them and abuse them.

Meanwhile, a fight starts brewing between Aja and Ty over how to find tickets to the flight.

Aja better watch her ass as Ty has obviously become a cyborg. Either that or he bought the world’s worst MP3 player.

Soon Aja gets testy and Ty makes the situation better by calling her “Fidel”. Have you ever been with another couple and they kind of start bickering and one says just that one little thing that makes you think “ahhh shit – there’s no going back now.” That’s how I felt when Ty dropped the “Fidel” in there.

Luckily these two are in it to win it and soon make up. Which I’m glad – I like these two.

All teams are on the same flight to New Zealand. Once they hit the ground all teams start running for the cars.

Dan let’s us know that they’re in a “Ken & Tina and Terence & Sarah sandwich” with the cars. Talk about getting the grossest image in your mind! I’m sure whatever else is in that sandwich, there’s got to be bad mayo involved.

Oh yeah! And Terence is back in the “I’m the weirdest, neediest person ever!” groove. As he’s driving he asks Sarah to “just give me some love and touch me – maybe play with my hair”. GROSS! Seriously?!!? Her parents must be watching this show from a friggin’ insane asylum or heavily drinking. Nut job!

Teams get lost all over the place on the way to the marina. My favorite is when Terence sees these signs:

And decides to go LEFT. Seriously?!?! Maybe he thought “Whangaparaoa” meant he’d get a free HJ out of the deal. It’s the ONLY reason I’m taking for why he thought water would be in the opposite direction of “Gulf”, “Harbour” and “Ferry”.

And the fucking ferry sign has a symbol of a boat sitting on WATER! And then, of course, after Sarah corrects him he comments “Two teams passed us” – like it’s her fault. I swear, if I was his teammate, I’d do things to him that could not be steam-cleaned out of that car’s interior.

Suddenly Aja and Ty get a flat tire – and it’s bad. Luckily Dallas blows by with a “Nothing I could do!” and Nick blows by with a “There’s one team we’re ahead of!” Awww – feeling the love. Meanwhile, Aja frantically tries flagging other cars down and gets a helpful Kiwi.

Ken & Tina and Andrew & Dan get to the knots first – and soon discover that there’s a FAST FORWAD! For which you have to climb to the top of Auckland’s Tallest structure. Ken is REALLY excited to do it:

And I’m sure it’s because this is the view Tina will get as he shoves her off the top and cries “FREEEEEDOM!!!!!”

Andrew & Dan try to see if they can beat “Cheater and Evil Barbie” to the fast forward. But thanks to their incredible anti-speed – they find themselves beat by a few minutes and must schlup their way back to the others.

At the fast forward, Ken and Tina gear up for the climb:

Tina asks “There’s no chance I’ll fall off right?”. When the guys reply “No!” I swear I heard Ken curse “DAMN IT!” in the background – followed with a “Well – never say never.”

Meanwhile the other teams learn that their roadblock is to “Match the Maori Tatoo”. Which basically consists of them finding the right tattoo on one of the many scary men screaming at them:

I would shit myself six ways ’til Sunday. Well, at least we now know what Tina looks like in the morning before make-up.

Terence and Sarah are the first to try it – and of course Terence is shitting himself. (OK – I must say I’d at least do a better job than Bumble-Fuck.) Shocklingly – he gets it on the second try:

And Sarah screams “Kiss him!” to Terence. She might be hoping this guy would eat him alive.

Teams must then drive to the City Hotel for their next clue. Back at the fast forward, Tina gets half way to the top and screams “Hells Bells! Oh my goodness gracious!” I have to admit, her folksy charm does make me giggle sometimes. It’s like she lures you in for the kill. OMG – Tina’s Sarah Palin! AHHH!

At the maori’s, Dallas sends his poor, sweet mother in the thick of them. Maybe he’s hoping she’ll get tossed around and lighten up a bit. I love how she just wanders around and calmly looks at all of them while they SCREAM at her. My mother would’ve needed 2 imitrex and a bottle of prozac to get through it. But not Toni – she gets it done!

At the hotel, teams get binoculars to look for the Travelocity gnome doing various activities around the city. I wonder if any of those activities include blatant advertising for a sponsor.

Best part of the episode so far – Tina says “Let’s look for the gnome in a systematic way” and Terence immediately sprints off in the opposite direction. Love it! She should seriously make him wear a helmet at all times.

The teams start looking from the hotel – playing “I spy” to find the gnome. Meanwhile…

“I spy Tina about to get thrown from New Zealand’s tallest structure!”

Somehow the blondes are the last to arrive at the knots road block. How the fuck did Aja & Ty manage to lap them when they had a flat tire?!? I swear the Blondes stop for cosmos everywhere they go and it’s just not filmed.

The Divorcees are now at the Maori’s. They call the guys “really scary”. Don’t worry, after 5 minutes with you I’m sure they’ll be huddles together in the fetal position – clutching the spot that used to be their testicles. And sure enough – the Divorcees beat Andrew and Dan out of there.

Back at the fast forward, Ken and Tina grab the gnome at the very top and learn they get to take a helicopter ride to the pit stop – Summerhill. I can’t believe the ass that these two are kicking! WTF?!

Teams at the hotel begin spotting the gnomes all over the city and go hunting for them in the random locations they’re hidden. Terence and Sarah get theirs atop another building while Dallas & Toni find theirs lounging on a patio.

Teams are now off to “Kiwi 360″ – a local landmark.

Back at the Maori, Nick and Starr quickly find the right tatoo. Those screaming Maori are nothing compared to telling the Divorcees their sportsbra has gone missing. Soon Nick and Starr arrive at the hotel, spot a gnome and LAP the Divorcees. I fully expected the Divorcees’ heads to rip open but instead they just got really pissed about it. It’ll happen though – trust me.

Up on the helicopter, Ken & Tina are celebrating their new found love again. Mmm hmm. I want to see this shit happen when things take a turn and they’re in last place. Ken will be back with the Maori, looking for his balls.

As for the still-in-last-place Blondes…

Have you EVER seen two people so happy WHILE being in last place?! They’re either completely oblivious OR have some extremely complicated ulterior plan. I’m going with the first guess.

Nick and Starr are on cloud 9 that they lapped the Divorcees. Back on top of the hotel, the Divorcees watch Nick & Starr flee as they frantically look for the gnome… and a sniper rifle.

Ken & Tina are officially the FIRST team to arrive! Wow. Bigger surprise? Phil’s Dad is there to welcome them! Awww!

“Hi – I’m Phil’s Dad. And I’m the reason why Phil religiously applies Rogaine everyday.”

The other teams begin to arrive at the DETOUR which is “A Matter of Time” where they stomp kiwi’s to make juice or “Matter of Skill” where they must assemble blow carts and sail them around a track.

Terence and Sarah are the first to arrive at the kiwi crushing with Toni & Dallas right behind. They soon discover that it’s not as easy as they thought – the kiwi’s are sitting on top of very sharp rocks – and I’m sure the producers added rusty razor blades and used syringes for the added drama.

Luckily Terence & Sarah has size 14 feet and quickly crushes enough juice to drink and they’re off. Dallas & Toni only struggle as mom declares “This looked easier when Lucy and Ethel did it!” AWWWW! I love that 85% of the people watching this went “Who the fuck are Lucy and Ethel?!” Way to age the rest of us Toni!

Toni & Dallas soon give up and head off to the other detour – but not before telling Andrew and Dan (who just arrived), “Oh it’s SO fun!” Well played Toni! Never trust a soccer mom!

By some fucking disturbance in the balance of goodness in the world – Terence and Sarah are the 2nd team to arrive. How is this happening?!

Other teams, Nick & Starr and Andrew & Dan, all give up and head toward the Blo-Karts. However, the Divorcees start and seem to have no problem crushing and destroying tender, ball-shaped fruit. Hmmm… shocker!

Back at the Blo-Karts – Toni is not doing so hot:

“THIS LOOKED EASIER WHEN THE LITTLE RASCALS DID IT!!!”

Soon the Divorcees drink the bounty of their crushed ball juice and are off to the pit stop. Meanwhile, Dan throws a tantrum at the BloKarts – “I can’t do this! Give me Sports trivia and I’ll beat everyone!” Nice, Dan. Not only would that be the most boring Amazing Race ever – it wouldn’t even be on this network. I’m guessing it would air on Public Access from your basement.

The Divorcees end up coming in 3rd! Meanwhile, hubris catches up to Nick and Starr and breaks Starr’s arm on the Blo-Karts! I’d start praying to the same God that the Divorcees pray to – cause it obviously works.

Starr starts crying and freaking out – BUT continues on with the race! WOW. I would’ve had all 3 ambulances in New Zealand racing to my aid.

On the other hand, Aja and Ty give up on juicing and run off to the Blo-Karts – it’s going to be neck and neck between them and the blondes. The other teams have all checked in and it’s now dark – how far behind ARE these people?! They’re probably like 3 days behind.

Team number 7… the last team safe… is Aja & Ty! Marisa and Brooke arrive right behind them and sadly, the hares beat the turtles, and they’re eliminated from the race. Awww… the Blondes said they learned alot about each other though. I’m guessing it’s that “No matter how stressed we become, we’ll always just take a step back, and take things REALLY, REALLY slow – like catastrophically slow – even if it means losing.”

So that’s it! Thoughts?! I know it’s a little hard because I’m behind – but feel free to share whatever! I’ll have the next one up soon! Love for folksy Tina – hate for dumb shit Terence?! Come on kids and DISH IT!