Howdy fans! Welcome back! Last week we learned that Marcy liked Vietnam so much she decided to stay there, apparently the Harlem Globetrotters really are quite the globe-trotters and Lance may quite possibly be the dumbest person on the show… ever. But it’s not just about brains – it’s about brawn too (“ROAR! Lance destroy VCR!!!). Why? Because this is… AMAZING RACE!
Team Trotters are the first to leave to their new destination… Phnom Penh, Cambodia! Yikes. They’re really getting the nickel tour of Asia. With any luck they’re booked at the Hotel Khmer Rouge for the evening. Where you might check in but don’t check out! What? Too soon?
Once the team arrives, they must find a Foreign Correspondent and whisper to them at the FCC. Whisper what?! “Bastardization of Foreign Culture”? That could be appropriate.
Team Farm Boys’ Dad complains about Matt’s pink hair and how it’s always changing. This is just as Matt marvels at the night life of the city. You can just hear Dad thinking, ” Plllleeeeease just don’t say “gay bar”. Dear God my heart can’t take it.”
Team Oreo is now referring to themselves as Team Jungle Fever. It’s like they try to out-racist everyone watching the show. I swear next episode they’ll be wearing black and white face respectively.
Team Pokerface grabs their clue and the $91 they get for this leg. I’d love to see them take the money, go to a casino and walk back out 20 minutes later with $3000 .
Team Trotters soon finds out that there are no flights out tonight and must wait til morning. Good luck finding a bench your size to sleep on!
“What? Me? Where? A bug??! On my face??! Where?! Oh… that. Fuck you, man.”
I love this comic.
Other teams start to arrive at the airport as Team Trotters get their tickets for the next morning. Zev and Justin are stuck in traffic though. Does anyone else notice how Zev’s voice gets increasingly high-pitched and nasally as tension mounts? He’s gonna blow out all the TV’s at Bloomingdales! Anyone? Anyone….?
Once Zev & Justin arrive at the airport, Lance announces that they’re “IN LAST PLACE!” while they’re standing 5 feet behind from him. SERIOUSLY Captain Obvious?! And like it matters right then and there!!!
Ok… so was every ticketing agent sick during this week or was there an outbreak we didn’t know about?! Or are these morons all at a hospital and think it’s an airport?
Best part so far?! The dumb-founded look on Lance’s face when he finds out the first flight is sold out! It’s like someone just told him steroids make your balls shrink.
The remaining teams, Lance & Keri and Zev & Justin start begging to make it on the first flight.
Keri should quietly explain to the ticketing agents what might happen if Lance doesn’t get on the plane…
“LANCE SMASH VIETNAM!!!”
The begging actually pays off and much to the other team’s dismay, the teams make a just-time-arrival to the plane.
It’s like he knows the exact douche-baggiest thing to do at any given moment. Is that a talent?
Teams are on now on their way to Phnom Penh, Cambodia – or as Zev and Justin call it…
Sean Penn, Cambodia
Teams land in Cambodia and make a mad dash for taxis to get to the Foreign Correspondents club. Everyone starts the traditional “yell at the taxi drivers to drive faster” and you can see the “why the fuck did “Amazing Race” have to come to Cambodia this season?!” look on most of their faces.
Side Note: I totally think I heard a rip-off of the Goonies theme song playing at one point. The one during the Fratelli chase scene. “Follow them size 5′s!”
Team BroMos are the first to the FCC and find the editor reading a paper – cause that’s what they do in the movies. Wear Panama Jack hats and read papers under ceiling fans. Do you think the headline reads “Morons Invade City: Taxi Drivers Strike”?
Sam asks the all-important question…
“Tell me… do I look fat in this? Because my BroMo totally said it did. And I’m all like ‘Oh hell no gurl!’”
Once teams get the paper, their clue is a photo of Jackie Kennedy and to find the suite named after her from her only visit to Cambodia. You know Team BroMos are gonna roll around in that suite covered in pearls and fur.
Mika and Canaan get stalled because Canaan keeps asking for the “task” instead of “assignment”. The dude just shakes his head and pretends to be confused. I would’ve ripped that fucking clue off the table so fast. “Screw you Panama Jack!”
Teams try to find where the Jackie O suite is but you know what’s holding them back? MOST OF THEM DON’T RECOGNIZE A PHOTO OF JACKIE O!!! WTF is wrong with you people?! Oh but it gets better… LANCE is the first one to recognize who it is! IS THIS OPPOSITE DAY?!
Meanwhile Mika and Canna think it’s Queen Elizabeth. WHAT??! That’s like mistaking Lucille Ball for Carrot Top. AND THE GAYS DON’T KNOW WHO SHE IS?!!? THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD!!! SHAME! FOR SHAME!!! You’re breaking stereotypes in the worst way!!!
Zev (who knows his lady) and Justin are the first to find the Jackie O suite and the next clue – a DETOUR! In this detour they must choose “Cover”…
In which teams sell helmets to families on bikes (literally, whole families on bikes) in the hopes that a piece of plastic will save a four-people-on-a-shitty-moped accident/disaster.
BTW – I’ll never complain about needing an SUV again.
In “Wrap” teams buy scarves and find the lady walking around the market with the matching scarves. This should be good. I can’t wait to watch Team Trotters go racing up to women to grab the scarves off their necks. I hope “AR” has a team of lawyers with them.
Team Oreo and Team Farm Boys are still looking for the hotel since their cab driver brings them to some locked shed and just shrugs like, “Oops. Not it. Ok you pay fare now.”
While in their cab, Zev and Justin talk to their cab driver about the ethics of lying to other teams. Yes. Because when you’re looking for ethical answers – a cab driver in any country is the first person to ask. Next on the list, asking for advice on celibacy in the red light district.
Team BroMos make it to the Hotel next and on their way out, after finding the clue, they LIE to the other teams that they didn’t see it. And to the Christians no less! Oh for Christ’s sake!!
Team BroMos choose “Wrap” because they know scarves – just ask any Mo in LA wearing a scarf with a t-shirt 6 months out of the year. I MEAN REALLY. Why don’t you throw in a pair of Uggs?! Sorry – I digress.
Zev and Justin buy a scarf and immediately enlist the help of their cab driver. I hope all of these “thirds” get a cut of the money if they win! I haven’t seen this many 3ways since the Potluck Party at the Kutcher/Moore household.
Team Massholes finally find the clue at the Hotel and decide to “sell the fah (four) helmets!” Meanwhile, Zev and Justin, well in the lead, find the girl wearing the matching scarf and get their next clue! Teams must travel to “Wat Toul Tom Pong”. I love that place. Great burgers.
Team BroMos arrive at the Russian Market and QUICKLY find the matching scarf. Nice! Jackie O would be proud… IF YOU KNEW WHO SHE WAS! FAIL!
Team Trotters enlist the help of two random ladies from Pennsylvania to look for scarves. What are the chances?!
Big Flight gets a lot of surprise reactions from the 4’10″ locals. Honestly I think they were reacting to the shirt he’s worn for 4 days straight now.
Team Master Race finally arrives to the market while Team Pokerface is still looking for it. They’re about ready to lose it… it’s about time! It’s halfway through the episode already!
Up ahead, Zev and Justin encounter the Road Block…
Dear God, If you exist, this Road Block will require teams to throw their own feces at Lance.
Zev decides to monkey around and nails the first two routines right away!
Back at the market, Team Master Race, Team Oreo Team Bible-Beaters and Team Trotters are scrambling to find their matching scarves.
Brian almost strangles the poor girl when he finds her. Save it for the kinkier Road Block’s mister! Or for the next time Miss America gets on your nerves.
Meanwhile, Team Trotters runs their scarf-girl down. There was no way she was gonna outrun them. I’ve seen plenty of episodes of “COPS”.
Zev is having difficulty with the last monkey routine and flips out when Justin keeps trying to vocally help…
We also learn that he gets spirit fingers when pissed.
Team Bromos are next up to monkey around and Dan jumps right in. Zev is losing their first place lead because he’s “too exhausted” to walk on the log with his hands and feet. These people do understand things will get worse right?!
Get up! It’s not the “Amazing SAUNTER AND RECLINE”!!!
Dan flies through the challenge and Team BroMos get their last clue – the pit stop is “Wat Phnom”! Go BroMos! I hope they win a biography about JACKIE O.
Back at the market, Team Bible Beaters whines that it’s hot and sweaty in the market. Appreciate it Canaan, it’ll be the only time you’re getting hot and sweaty for awhile!
Team Farm Boys believe that because of their hunting skills they should be able to spot the scarf-girl. Cool! I can’t wait to see them take her down with a 12 gauge. Check the watering holes!
Team Massholes is still trying to sell bike helmets. It’s like no one wants to buy helmets from a guy that looks like he has brain damage.
Zev finally completes the monkey challenge and the boys are off to the pit stop. He also apologizes to Justin for yelling at him. Aww. They really are the sweetest couple on the race.
Team Trotters and Team Oreo are now doing the monkey challenge. This has to be one of the easiest Road blocks ever. Actually – easiest episodes! Find a scarf and walk like a monkey?! What happened to jumping off of a Dam and carrying crazy ass shit all over a city?!? Solving really hard puzzles?! Eating shit that makes you… well… SHIT!? You’re slacking Phil!!!
Team Farm Boys finish the scarf challenge while Team Massholes finally found a family to overcharge for bike helmets. That’s cool. It’s not like they’re poor or anything. Good luck making rent this month but you’ll have those beautiful new helmets!
Team BroMos is flipping that there moped-rickshaw guy isn’t moving fast enough. Dan really loses his shit in these situations. And btw – does anyone else think he looks like Bobby Canavale?
Team Trotters and Team Oreo get the monkey challenge done in like 10 seconds. TVgasm’s team of lawyers has asked that I now express “No Comment.”
One of my favorite moments is Cheynne encouraging Meghan through the monkey challenge. “Come on baby! Bend over! That’s it!” They DO realize this shit is recorded and shown on TV right?!
Team Massholes gets to the monkey challenge and Keri decides to do it. DAMN IT!!! Come on!!! I was so excited to watch him go ape shit!!! I really hope Lance stays in the race for awhile. He’s so fun to hate on.
Team Master Race finishes the task – but not before Meghan shows us her Master Rash.
Team Pokerface (where they even IN this episode?!?) finally matches their scarf and heads off to the monkey challenge.
Team Zev & Justin check in first!!! Meanwhile, Team BroMo’s – fresh off of a slow-moving moped-rickshaw check in 2nd with Team Trotters right behind them.
BUT WAIT!!! Looks like Zev and Justin LOST THEIR PASSPORTS!!! WHAAAA?!? They report back to Phil who lays the smack down – they’re OUT OF THE RACE unless they find Zev’s passport!!! OH fuck a monkey!!!
They search through their bags but can’t find it anywhere so they must backtrack along the course to find it! That shouldn’t be too hard. I’m sure it’s not lost/stolen in the MIDDLE OF CAMBODIA!
The good news is that they have until the last team checks in to find it. At the rate Keri is being a monkey – they might have a shot. Oops no. They’re done. Fuuuuuucked!
While Canaan monkey’s it up – Zev and Justin get their fav cab driver back to look for their passport!
Let me get this straight – they choose MARIA to be the monkey?! Just saying.
Team Oreo check in as Team #3 but they really might be #2. Team Pokerface and Team Bible Beaters finish the challenge and race to the pit stop for what MIGHT be last! Meanwhile, Team Farm Boys and Team Master Race are all checked in! HURRY ZEV AND JUSTIN!!!!
Maria finally gets some face time and tells the camera she wishes she could’ve been a better monkey. Aaaaaand SCENE! LOL! They literally got like 30 seconds of camera time this episode!
Meanwhile Lance shows us how he sniffs his masshole. Priceless.
Zev and Justin are still looking for Zev’s passport. They are remaining AMAZINGLY calm – almost too calm.
Talk about downplaying a situation. What happened to the guy who collapsed when he had to act like a monkey?
Team Bible-Beaters beats Team Pokerface to the pit stop! HOWEVER, Phil tells them that they won’t be eliminated IF Zev and Justin don’t find their passports. Of course, they react gleefully. I only wish Zev and Justin were there to see such jubilation.
Zev and Justin finally check in, without passports, but full of love and friendship. It’s heart-breaking. They are the epitome of good friends, lovers and Amazing Racers…
Except that they lost their fucking passports. Have fun being stuck in Sean Penn!
YOU FAIL SO HARD!
So that’s it! I can’t believe it! The nicest team and they get booted! Why can’t these people use those passport necklaces?!? Is it “Amazing Race” rules to keep them in precarious areas to spice things up!? And this episode was a little weak on the activities! The whole thing was rather depressing. WHAT THE FUCK PHIL?!?! Let me hear what you all think! Come on aaaaaaaand DISH IT!