On the last episode we learned an old man’s wits outweigh his hemorrhoids, Lil’ Guys are big on luck, Cheerleaders made us give them an “F!” and give them a “U!” and the Flight Attendants showed us that you can do anything in life if you put your mind to it… except win AMAZING RACE.
Teams start off in Jaipur, India and Tammy and Victor are the first off to the next destination – Phuket, Thailand! Teams must look for a giant gorilla statue…
Either that or a photo of Jaime before her 3 hour morning make-up session.
Tammy tells us that she visited Thailand once but it was back when she was little and her family treated her like an invalid compared to Victor. Poor Tammy. You know that it must be an Asian family where the older boy is treated like a God and the younger girl gets kept in the corner. She must have a HUGE amount of restraint not to have screamed, “Yeah… well he’s GAY. GAAAAAAAAY!!!!!” at Christmas dinner.
Next off – Mel and Mike. Mike asks Mel if he speaks any Thai to which Mel responds, “Mai Tai”. Loooong pause… Mel: “That was a joke.” Mike: (deadpans) “I know.” Booo! If my Dad just got done blowing out his hip to finish the last leg I would’ve given him a laugh AND a mai tai!
Tammy and Victor arrive at the travel agency first and get the best flights available. Next off are the sisters. Jen says Kisha and her are just focusing on each other and don’t care about the other teams. Gloves are off folks!! WOO WOO!
Next off is Luke and his mom, Margie. They are super-psyched to go to Thailand. Margie, however, is not excited about “signing”. She says “sometimes I just want to rest my arms.” WOW. That’s a new one… “Why aren’t you talking to me?!?” “Because I… can’t… I’m too…. LAZY.” Bet she doesn’t get too tired to lift a crumb bun to her face.
Next off – the evil Cheerleaders! I would love to see these two host a talk show.
One is a little more down to earth and the other is a raving bitch that makes asinine references to things she doesn’t like – mostly things that are different from her. Where have I seen this before?!
Oh yeah… yup – that’s definitely it.
Jaime goes on to say “I don’t like foreign language”. WAS THIS MENTIONED IN HER “Amazing Race” INTERVIEWS?! WTF? That has got to the the stupidest, most ignorant thing a contestant has ever said on this show. Right? They’re in India though – so if Karma really exists – it’ll prove itself by sending an out-of-control bus hurdling towards Jaime.
Lil’ Guys are in last place and head off. They start bragging that Phuket is known for its diving – which they are self-proclaimed experts at. Oh my God – have these two met a task yet that they haven’t “mastered” and then go on to royally fuck up?! Or is this that whole Napoleon complex thing?
Did I mention I can stack wood, build shutters AND I’m a dive expert?! It’s all in my fancy legs! Huzzah!
Meanwhile, Kisha and Jen almost cause a riot because Kisha gives some money to a few Indian kids as they drive through. The kids then go bonkers and start reaching in and asking for money. Can you imagine if this was Jaime?!?!
Jaime would’ve rolled the windows up on their arms and screamed, “FLOOR IT!!!”
Everyone catches up at the travel agency except for Cara and Jaime. However, they end up booking the same flight at the airport. DAMN.
All teams make their way to Phuket via Bangkok. Everyone runs screaming from the airport – asking locals where the “giant monkey” is.
Jaime hops in their cab and immediately starts talking to the cabbie like he’s retarded and/or 4 years old. “YOU KNOW RACE?!? RACE FAST?!?” I hope the cabbie turns around and says, “YOU KNOW PHUKET?! NO?!? THEN SHUT THE PHUK-UP AND LET ME DRIVE YOU PLASTIC-FACED RACIST.”
Cara jokes that Jaime sounds like a “witch” with a “b”. I’d stick with “bunt” with a “c”.
The Lil Guys show a photo of the gorilla to their cabbie. He laughs… then blankly stares at them says “I don’t know where that is.” PERFECT! It turns out most of the cabbies don’t know where the statue is and teams frantically ask people around town. Jen’s sage advice to Kisha? “Just say BIG ASS GORILLA!!!” Oh Jen. Not wise. Just a few misunderstandings and you’d find yourself on Nancy Grace’s doorstep.
Teams finally figure out from locals that the gorilla is at the Phuket Zoo. Unfortunately, Mel and Mike trust their cabbie and stay headed towards Patong Beach – noooooo! That makes no sense! When would you ever see a gorilla at a beach?!?
OK. Other than this one time – where would you see a gorilla at a beach?!?
Teams quickly find the giant gorilla statue at the zoo. The cheerleaders find it first and keep shushing the Lil’ Guys so no one else hears them find it. The challenge is composed of several zoo tasks:
First, let an elephant crush your spine…
Then shit yourself while having your photo taken before a tiger eats your face…
Then make an elephant do something so humiliating…
…that he’ll literally shit on you because of it. Don’t you just love “Amazing Race”?
If there’s a God that tiger will claw Jaime’s face straight off the moment she has an attitude with it. Which you know she will. OOOMMMMGGGGG….
Or maybe it’ll eat her arm off! WTF?! I’d shit bricks if I saw this. Well… maybe he just lost it in a door-slamming incident. I’m sure that’s it. Best of luck everyone!
The sisters get a laugh when they say they felt better because the tiger didn’t eat the Lil’ Guys – and they’re “bite-sized”!!! Nice one, girls. Although, Kisha… have you seen your ass? Guuuurrrrl – that tiger wouldn’t have to eat again ’til Christmas.
Jaime actually has fun with the tiger and says that she loves animals. So much so that she would rather live in a world of animals. Who wants to start a fundraising campaign to airdrop Jaime into the Amazon? Awww. I’m sorry. You’re right. Those animals didn’t do anything to deserve that. Let’s airdrop her from 3 miles up with no parachute and call it a success.
Mel and Mike arrive at the beach and SURPRISINGLY…. find… nothing. Mike then tries to jog the cabbie’s memory…
Ok – notice the differences… one hurls its own fecies, eats banana-like objects and beats onto it’s own chest – and the other one… is a gorilla.
Back at the zoo, the Lil’ Guys have moved on to the elephant challenge.
I have a feeling this elephant will never forget – you always remember the day you raped a member of the Lollipop Guild.
BTW – I get it. THAT’S why they call it the “Big Top“!!! Gotcha. Lil’ Guys complete the challenge and get their next task: Find the “Nguan Choon Tong Herbs shop”. Oooohhh finally a chance for them to be “high”. Wah wah waaahhh…
Teams complete the challenges – unfortunately no one is maimed – and Kisha rejoices, “I took a picture with a tiger and didn’t pee on myself!” That is a big deal. In her defense she usually pees on herself in any photo. Her wedding was a disaster.
Back in the middle of nowhere – Mel and Mike have realized there is no gorilla to be found. Suddenly the find a lil’ Phuketian man who points at the photo and yells “PHUKET ZOO!” They jump in the cab and speed off as Mel says, “Should we stop for a thai massage?” Wow. Talk about not reading your crowd. Mike’s about 2 seconds away from slapping the mustache off of him.
Up in the front of the race, the Cheerleaders and Lil’s Guys are talking about each other. The Cheerleaders refer to them as the “Tweedles” – like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Bitches. How rude…
Meanwhile the Lil’ Guys prove why child-safety windows are necessary.
Lil’ Guys also say that they hope it comes down to a foot race because “I love to run… I’d outrun them all.” MY GOD IS THERE ANYTHING THEY’RE NOT GOOD AT?!?!
Ok – well here’s one thing for sure.
Then at the herb shop – Jaime (and I don’t think I’ve ever used this expression before) TURNS INTO THE BIGGEST UBER CUNT EVER. SERIOUSLY…
She SCREAMS at the herb shop guy to pick through the boxes for the clues and is suuuuuuch a bitch to him. If she wins this “Amazing Race” I will never watch this show again. HATE HER.
Jaime defends her attitude by saying the guy “didn’t speak a lick of English!!!” HOW DARE HE?!! Can you imagine?!? IN THAILAND?! Please Phil… if you have a heart – see to it that Jaime is left behind and fed to that fucking tiger.
Just a little snapshot from Seigfreid and Roy’s final show.
BTW – This is what two people’s faces look like when they lose all respect for Americans. Thanks Jaime!
Back at the Zoo, Mike and Mel are having a grand time…
“Screw the foot – use the trunk!”
Up ahead, the Lil’ Guys get the clue for the DETOUR: 100 Barrels or 2 Miles. In 100 barrels, teams must prepare a fishing boat with enough barrels of water for a long fishing trip. In 2 miles, teams must pull one another on a rick-saw for 2 miles. Lil’ Guys choose the rick-saw – damn it – the other challenge would’ve been much funnier to watch.
Back at the herb shop, Jaime is LOSING it because other people are choosing the right drawer with the clue in it before she does. Luckily she’s blaming it on the poor guy choosing the drawers. It turns out that a lil’ bit of karma followed them from India because EVERYONE else guesses a drawer with a clue in it and Jaime and Cara are still there!! HA! Although after tearing into the guy for another 10 minutes, they finally get a clue. And unfortunately it was not a land-mine clue as I was hoping.
At the rick-saw challenge, the Lil’ Guys pump up their tires and decide to try and “slow down” other teams by jamming all of the tools and tire-pumps back into a box. Ooohhh – evil little guys! Almost as bad as the time they let Veruca Salt fall down the bad egg chute!
He then goes on to do the most racist impression of a rick-saw driver ever, “I feel fine! AAHH CHI CHA CHEE CHI CHA CHEE!!!” Holy shit. So – him and Jaime do realize that this shit is aired on national TV right?!? Sleep with both eyes open you assholes.
Mike and Mel arrive at the herb shop and go about it in the nicest way possible. It’s so cute. The little Thai ladies are smiling and laughing in the background. Not spitting and cursing like they were doing while Jaime and Cara were there.
The Cheerleaders and Luke & Margie head towards the boats for the “100 Barrels” challenge but the cabbies can’t find the right place. Thankfully, Jaime spares his life (this time) and they decide to turn around and head towards the other challenge. Kisha and Jen are still trying to find the boats.
Mike and Mel finally find the right drawer and head off to the “100 Barrels” challenge. Come on! Who didn’t want to see Mel try and cart Mike’s ass throughout the city on a rick-saw! He could have even worn one of those horse-baggies for when his colon dropped out.
Tammy and Victor take off on the rick-saw without doing the proper repairs/maintentance. Uh oh. Are they gonna be penalized? Not that Victor would care. Girl loooooves to be PENALIZED. Best part – as Victor pulls Tammy he says, “I don’t like saying this – but my sister is a little heavy.” WOW. She’s like a size 2 so that is definitely the gayest thing he’s ever said. His hag would cut him right now if she was there.
The Cheerleaders take off in a flat-tire ricksaw as well but take the time to scream at people and berate them when they need directions. I wish these locals could hear me yelling “PUNCH HER!” and “DON’T TELL HER SHIT!” at them through the TV.
The Lil’ Guys finish the rick-saw first and find the next clue box! It tells them to go to…
Wow – that’s one hell of a name.
It also happens to be where the kids from Rydell High “go together…
…Like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.”
Back at the docks, the sisters are just arriving to the “100 Barrels” challenge…
Again Jen?! Seriously – your sister is standing RIGHT there! RUDE!
The girls get right to it and start stacking the barrels. Meanwhile Mel and Mike are still looking for the rick-saw challenge while the Lil’ Guys head for the pit stop mat! The Lil’ Guys hop onto the mat and are SO excited to arrive first! Let’s watch!
WE DIT IT! WE DID —- wait….
OH SNAP!!! Someone got whacked a 30 minute fine for screwing with the bike equipment and another 30 minutes for using the taxi to guide them during the ricksaw challnege. An hour! They’re SCREWED!
Kisha and Jen are working hard on the boats when Mel and Mike finally show up. However, Mel and Mike are smart enough to fill the large water barrels while they’re passing the empty ones.
It’s at this point that everyone’s ALL OVER THE PLACE and fucking up left and right. Tammy and Victor realize that they dropped their rick-saws off way to early and must run back for them. Meanwhile the Cheerleaders, who stuck it out, are neck and neck with them. Ugh – whoever wins this leg – we all lose.
Luke and his Mom are in the rick-saw but having problems. Luke can’t hear Margie screaming that he’s about to flip her off of it – so Margie – the 50+ year old mother, takes over for Luke, her young son, and pulls the rick-saw. Wise choice kids. Luke – you’re an asshole. Grow up.
Up ahead at the mat – Victor and Tammy are FIRST! While the Lil’ Guys wait off to the side and pout, Victor and Tammy learn they’ve won a trip to Oahu…
Victor couldn’t be happier. A beautiful beach, champagne and something nice for him to sit on.
The Cheerleaders check in right behind them and are team #2 while the Lil’ Guys finally get to check in as Team #3.
Margie and Luke check in and Margie looks AWFUL. Ok – so I saw the preview in the beginning – so I knew what to expect – but HOLY SHIT PEOPLE! The poor lady asks for water like 5 times, says she’s cold and that her fingers feel frozen!!! How many fucking heat stroke signs do you need?!?!
But ooohhh no…
Phil’s all, “Bitch you can wait – I’ve been working on this sign ALL DAY!” Now… “The itsy bitsy spider…”
So of course Margie totally passes out. Luke freaks and everyone rushes to her aid. Phil makes up for his obliviousness and helps her out by pouring water on her head and…
Uhhh… easy there Phil. It’s a medical emergency – not a wet T-shirt contest.
Poor Margie – looks like she’ll survive… this leg of the race.
Now it’s all between the Sisters and Mel & Mike. The Sisters take off but get lost quickly. Mel and Mike might still have a chance! This sucks because these two are my favorite teams.
The sisters then realize that their cabbie dropped them off at the wrong place and must hitch hike with some random people to try and get there.
This lady then uses the ol’ “blow the stank away with the AC nozzle” trick on Kisha.
It comes down to the wire and it’s… Kisha and Jen! Team #5. Mel & Mike check in… and are eliminated. Awwww – damn it! I can’t believe they used a non-elimination round on the frickin’ Flight Attendants!!
Mel gets all choked up and says that Mike is what he’s leaving behind to make the world a better place. Really? Cause so far we got “School of Rock” out of him – and although funny – I’m not sure if it helped world peace or fed an orphan. But that was sweet. So fuck it.
And that’s it! Thoughts?! Comments?! Predictions?! Odes to joy?! Come on everyone and DISH IT!!!