Amazing Race: Same Shit, Different Duckies!

Welcome back everyone! It’s time for the show that preaches worldly knowledge while its contestants practice worldly ignorance! I’m bBitz and I’m excited to be back for my 3rd season of this Emmy-award winning show! (Clearly because of my recaps.) Last season we learned that just because you’re deaf doesn’t mean you can’t win (well… place in the top 3 to be fair), just because you’re hearing doesn’t mean you can’t be deaf to your sister’s thoughts/suggestions/feelings (and yet… still win) and that there’s nothing like hearing your sister piss away a chance at a million dollars inside a port-o-pottie. Ladies and Gentlemen… this is AMAZING RACE!!!

The race begins in the heart of beautiful Los Angeles…

Yikes. I’d imagine this wasn’t approved by the Los Angeles Tourism Board. That’s not a river. That’s a trail of tears.

Ahhh – now there’s the LA I know and love!

We start by introducing the 12 teams – who for some reason emerge from the disgusting underbelly of LA’s river tunnels. Must be a great crop this year. Where’s Alligator Man?

First up, Ryan and Ericka! Ericka was Miss America 2004. And Ryan is her husband. They are the first married, interracial couple on “Amazing Race”.

I’m so glad the producers got an interracial couple and are breaking stereotypes. That’s a lovely picnic basket. Well… one outta two ain’t bad.

Lance and Keri are a newly dating couple. Keri says Lance is “smaaaaahhhhht”. Did I mention they’re from Massachusetts?

Don’t limit yourself, Keri. You both look brilliant.

Next up, Maria and Tiffany. They’re both poker players who think knowing how to play poker will help them win the race.

It totally will. As long as every leg takes place in Vegas. They’ll be just fine.

Zev and Justin are the next team. Zev has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and Justin is his best buddy. Does anyone else feel like Asperger’s is this year’s Parkinson’s?

Ass Burgers. There, I got it out of the way for the season now.

Next up, Mika and Canaan, who are a singing and songwriting, southern sweetheart team. They are “Christ-followers” and believe it will help them win the race.

Yes. Right after making world peace and before winning you a Grammy, God’s gonna make you a million dollars on TV. Praise Jesus.

Now for the Harlem Globetrotters! You heard me right, HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS. Herbert and Nathan met while performing for the team and say they’re the best looking team ever.

Not so much with the “DL” thing, huh?

Well hellooooooo there Sam and Dan! Two gay brothers from the midwest who grew up conservative Christians but say they can be bad too…

All this scene needed was a cheesy music and bad acting and I’ve seen it all before.

Next up are Gary and Matt – a father and son team. Matt feels his Dad never spent enough time with him as a kid and Gary feels like this is how he should make it up to him. I’ll die laughing if they get cut in the first episode and Gary’s like “Well – back to work – see ya shithead.”

“But you’ll look sweet, upon the seat, of a turbine built for two.”

Eric and Lisa are married, vegan yoga teachers and most likely to get on my nerves.

Oh what I’d give for a pothole right about now.

Next up, Garret and Jessica are a passionate and fiesty couple who’ve been dating for 7 years and broken up 3 times. AKA: Team BOOM! I spy domestic abuse within the first episode.

Garret says Jessica has a fiery Colombian side, but her frosted side says– “I’m frigid”.

Our resident old couple is Marcy and Ron and they’re adorable. They met on the internet a year ago and have been dating ever since.

Marcy says she’s never dated a bald guy before. She was murdered shortly thereafter.

Meghan and Cheyne are our final couple. They’re white, blonde, athletes with perfect teeth and skin and…

What is this?! The “Amazing Master Race”?!

Finally – let the game being! Phil welcomes us back (Hi Phil! Missed ya!) with a “Hello” and a “One team will be eliminated before they even start the race.” WTF PHIL?!?

“THE WEAKEST TEAM SHALL PERISH!!!” Geez, this really is the Amazing Master Race. Looks like someone’s still pissed about Jeff Probst winning the Emmy again.

The first challenge is to find one of only 11 license plates on a wall that is from the Shinagawa District of Tokyo. The trick is that the symbol on their clue matches the one on the plate.

Some teams figure out to match the symbol and quickly take the lead. It looks like Team Pokerface and Team Ensure have an early start. Other teams quickly follow and the plates are disappearing quickly! I can’t believe someone’s getting booted so soon! I’d be PISSED!!!

Luckily, all of the teams I think will be the most entertaining have passed. Miss America starts to lose her shit though and I fear this is the only time I’ll get to see that happen.

Sam says his heart is broken for the team that doesn’t pass. Awww… sweet that he waited ’til after he was through for the sentiment.

The only two teams left are Team Maaaassacusetts and Team Yoga. Team MA figures out the symbol and quickly snatches the last plate!

OMG! That fucking SUCKS!!! Luckily I think getting cut happened to the only couple that could survive such a shitty circumstance.

“We set them (the other teams) free!” Wow. That is definitely looking at things in a positive light. Maybe I should be vegan. Hmmm… nope. FAIL! The race is on!

Off at LAX, the first 6 teams got tickets on the first flight and the other 5 teams got tickets to the next flight. While all of the teams gather at the airport it gives everyone a chance to play “Getting to know you.”

OR NOT! Team Pokerface starts things off by LYING to everyone that they work for a non-profit organization for homeless kids in LA!!! OH MY GOD! This is not only the lowest trick ever played but possibly the smartest one! My brain says “Awesome!” and my heart says *tear*! The girls call it a bluff. That’s poker-speak for “a lie that we justify”.

BTW – Can we discuss the names? There’s no way I’m calling them by name the whole season. They are officially Team Trotters.

The first flight takes off and the second leaves 30 minutes after it. Once in Tokyo they must take a taxi to the Tokyo Tower Studios.

Not 3 minutes off the plane and one team is already going “negative”. Team Pokerface misses the shuttle and one of them snaps…

“All these mistakes”?!? You’ve made one! Drama queen! Come on, Team Pokerface, you know if it’s not rough it isn’t fun! Oh… oh oh…oh…oh…

Team Trotters hop in a taxi and start yelling like Speedy Gonzales. Funny? It depends on if you’re watching this show or if you’re their driver.

The second flight arrives early and catches up with the others. First priceless moment – Team Pokerface calls Team Poke-his-face, “Team The Hot Guys”. Love it. This should be entertaining. I hope the guys lie their asses off and flirt.

Meanwhile Team Bible-Beaters get the cabbie that blows by all of the other cars. It’s like God himself is pushing them through traffic. OR God is a Japanese cab driver. Either one.

Team Hot Guys (I’ll play along too) is the first to arrive at… OH MY GOD! A JAPANESE GAME SHOW!!! AWESOME!!

“First charrenge! You make sex to this girl so hahd!”Uh oh.

All of the other teams start to arrive and it’s complete pandemonium. Soon the host welcomes us, “Wercome! Wercome! Are you ready to pray, the “Sushi Rourette?!” Yes we are!

So the game is basically you spin the wheel and eat the sushi in front of you until you get a “Wasabi Bomb” – which is a giant hand roll of ALL WASABI!

I’d be shitting fire.

Once your team eats the bomb within 2 minutes, they get their clue! Teams spin the wheel and…

Ron and Cheyne get Wasabi Bombs! Looks like Gramps won’t need his Activia tonight!

While everyone else eats their sushi, Ron and Cheyne try to choke the bombs down.

Meanwhile the audience shots are just AWESOME.

The clock ticks down and they finish their bombs! Team Master Race and Team Activia are off! They read their clue and find out that they have to lead a group of 20 of the Japanese audience members/tourists through the busiest section of Tokyo to the Konno Hachimangu Shrine. Oh God. They’re fucked if they pass any photo-ops.

Garrett and Justin get the next bombs! No problem for Garret – he’s used to eating fiery Colombian! Hey oh!

Meanwhile, Marcy starts a sing-a-wrong with her team.

Garrett and Justin finish their wasabi bombs and lead their groups off the stage while the wheel spins again.

Lance decides to play his own game of fill-in-the-blank!

Ironically this will be her face hours later in the bathroom.

That’s almost as good as the look she makes when she DOESN’T FINISH EATING IT within the 2 minutes and has to start over!!! HAHAHA! You gotta know when to hold ‘em – and know when to SWALLOW ‘em!

The wheel spins and Maria immediately gets a second chance! Lucky her! Wasabi! Wasabi! Poltergeist! Bwaaaahhhh!

Aaaaaand she finally learns to swallow! Sometimes college can’t teach a girl everything.

Team Pokerface joins the teams of wandering tourists. Nobody seems to know where the hell they’re going. But Meghan and Cheyne look like they’re in the lead.

And they are! They check in as team NUMBER ONE!!! They really are the master race! Huh. Go figure.

Back at the game show, Big Easy (ugh – I did it) and Lance are about to do the Wasabi Bomb. Big Easy sucks it down cause “It tastes like money!” Love this guy!!!

Next up on the finishing mat – Zev and Justin! As nerdy as these two are – they’re pretty adorkable. They seem to be pretty chill and friendly with each other – which really works well. Remember the hippies?!

Meanwhile, Team Trotters is making their way with many spectators…

“GODZIRRA!!!”

Back at the game – Gary and Brian are up for the Wasabi Bomb! (Oh no! The gays keep getting “sushi”!) Gary admits he’s never had much sushi being from Montana. Well, it can’t be half as bad as elk meat.

But Gary finishes with time to spare while Brian can’t finish! Oh snap! Whooped by a pappy from the midwest! Ms. America is gonna OWN your ass tonight. You know how much vaseline she’s had to eat in HER lifetime?!

Lance and Keri are the next to check in (did NOT see that coming!) while Team Hot Guys gets their first Wasabi Bomb! Dan deep throats the roll in the fastest time yet (I DID see that one coming) and they’re off with their tour group!

Team Hot Guys and Team Pokerface make an unlikely partnership and work together. It’s great because the boys think the girls are so wonderful for working at a non-profit and the girls think they’re total hotties! Love the deception! Next, Team Trotters will pass themselves off as stay-at-home moms.

Brian and Ericka are the last team to finish the game show while Team Activia and Team Trotters get to the mat. Brian & Ericka enlist the help of a Japanese guy who knows exactly where it is – they might have hope yet! Especially since one of Garret and Jessica’s peeps have to stop to take a dump. Stay classy Tokyo!

Brian pulls his team back in the lead by giving one of the tourists a ride…

What’s the opposite of a rickshaw ride? This would be it.

Brian & Ericka, Garret & Jessica, Gary & Matt and Team Hoy Guys all finally check in. Team Pokerface fell back because…

They lost these two in the Times Square of Tokyo! And apparently it’s because the one on the left wanted to make some extra cash, IF you know what I mean. HARAJUKU!

Team Pokerface starts to unravel as they frantically try and find the lost girls. They can’t and end up checking in anyways – only to find out it’s a NON-ELIMINATION leg! So they get a second chance – albeit a 2 hour penalty and speed bump challenge as well. But, at least they made it out of LA…

Wah wah waaaaaahhhhh…..

The second half of the season premier starts back at the pitstop in Tokyo where teams find out their next destination is Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, then a rural city within Vietnam. Meghan and Cheyne are the first to head out (good GOD they are so vanilla) with Zev and Justin close behind. Justin tells us that they were sure to tell everyone about Zev’s condition so they could get sympathy. Not sure how that’ll work. I’d be like, “Oh that’s… nice. Ummm… I’ll buy you something nice when I win a million dollars?”

Lance and Keri head out and immediately start to bicker! Fantastic! I love it when the niceties wear off!

“He’s like so dumb. He puts like the upid in stupid. Or something. Wait… how many shirts did I wear today?”

Team trotters are off next and plan on using their notoriety to their advantage. It actually works when they get a guy at the hotel to help buy them plane tickets. Meanwhile, Grannie Marcy’s gettin’ TICKED! I can’t wait to see her become unhinged!

Brian and Ericka head out without booking a flight first. It’s too bad because they missed the 8 million shots of this…

WE GET IT. We know who your sponsor is. SHIT. Coming on a lil’ too strong!

Team Hot Guys leaves next and comments that they don’t plan on coming out to everyone. They’re so lucky no one else is gay because they are CERTAINLY not flying under the gaydar.

Team Lord and Savior take off and Canaan feels the need to tell us that he’s keeping himself sexually pure for Mika. Mika tells us she knows Canaan loves her because he doesn’t just want sex. Oh. Gotcha. You might not want to leave him alone with the gay boys.

Team Pokerface is the last to leave and reaffirms that they’ll be keeping up with their karma-killing ruse of saying they work for a non-profit organization.

Teams get to the airport to find there’s been a SARS outbreak…

This is how computer viruses begin.

Teams start to find out that there aren’t any tickets left for the first flight out.

Meanwhile, Lance is really making friends with Team Pokerface.

By the way, if Lance starts one more sentence with “As a lawyer” I’m gonna lose my shit.

Brian & Erica, with their interracial powers combined, manage to secure seats for themselves, Gary & Matt, Team Master Race AND even Team Pokerface!

Team Pokerface is quickly starting to piss everyone off and they seem not to care. Then WHY bother lying about what they do?! It’s not like people are gonna say, “Gee… they’re TOTAL bitches to us but they DO work with homeless people – let’s help them out.” HELL NO.

Wait a minute… so much for that! A fan notices them and they’re too vain to pass up getting noticed so they admit it in front of Team Hot Guys! Speaking of Team Hot Guys, Team Pokerface is all up on their junk and even says they’re so cute they’re trying to figure out if they’re gay or not…

Would straight boys vogue like this at a ticketing counter at the airport?!

Teams all fly to Vietnam where apparently it rains rivers.

So… isn’t there a point in which you just say “Fuck the poncho.”?

Team Hot Guys and Team Pokerface arrive at the station and get the bus tickets first. Everyone else arrives behind them but people keep piling on the bus. Of course Team Pokerface wants the bus to pull away while people are still trying to get on. I’m surprised they didn’t yell “RUN THEM DOWN!”

The second group of people get on the second bus and start freaking out that it’s not leaving for an hour. So they bring a lil’ USA to Vietnam and pay more to get their way – they get the bus to leave early.

This season’s first tear-jerker?! Zev GIVES his jacket to some random dude that needs one. So nice!! Love Zev!

The teams arrive at once at the boat dock and find they have to wait until morning for it to open. So they huddle around to have dinner together. By which I mean Team Pokerface feasts on everyone’s brains. Seriously. They say they don’t like Zev & Justin (probably the nicest team) and they’re wary of Lance being a lawyer because he’s not so bright. (OK – they may be right there)

The gate opens up in the morning and teams race via boat to some mud pits. Once at the mud pits, they need to dig in the mud and throw it at trees to fertilize them. I guess “Miracle Gro” isn’t readily available.

However, Team Pokerface needs to perform their speedbump first. They need to go make soup. That’s it? The Campbell’s challege?! Come on! Make them do something difficult for them or something. Like, I don’t know, volunteer at a non-profit?!!?

Meanwhile, Mika is panicking that the boat they’re in is made of WOOD and could sink. Yes. We all know how wood doesn’t float as say, steel.

Mika, if Canaan doesn’t want sex and there’s no brain for him to be interested in, what might you think is his reason for being with you??? Either he wants to nail you or Team Hot Guys (fingers crossed). I ‘m guessing he knows that hand gesture you’re making far too well.

Team Pokerface makes it back to the dock with their fixin’s for Pho. Maria says she’s an expert at making it…

“Let’s see… we got cat, hamster aaaaand labradoodle! Perfect! Bottoms up!”

Meanwhile the other teams are far ahead and packing clay around the trees while the farm-owners stand by enjoying the view…

The living epilogue of “Madame Butterfly”

Teams are getting COVERED and stuck in the mud.

I can’t wait until they reveal the clay is actually raw sewage. Surprise!

Gary and Matt are farmers so they’re trucking away. Zev and Justin are looking for the “ctrl+alt+delete” of the situation and Miss America wants to know when the talent portion is over so she can change into her swimsuit.

Team Master Race finishes first and gets the route info that they must go to “Cai Be Feild” for their next clue.

Most other teams finish quickly after them with Team Activia and Team Imalawyer right behind them – leaving Team Pokerface in last.

However, Justin and Zev lose their clue. Uh oh. Is Zev gonna lose it?!? Nope. He remains pretty calm. If this Asperger thing is a ruse I’m gonna be pissed. And impressed. They quickly find the clue back in the water where Justin went ass-over-tea-kettle trying to get in the boat.

She knows the boat already has a motor, right? Karma’s a funny little thing isn’t it?

Meghan and Cheyne are in first place and are all kissy in their boat. I can’t WAIT until they lose it at some point! Team Master Race shall fail I say! Most likely in a bunker in Berlin I’m guessing.

They arrive at the road block – DUCK HERDING! They have to herd a large group of ducks over a bridge and back within 10 minutes.

“Son of a BITCH! I KNEW I shouldn’t have worn sandals today.”

Meghan starts herding…

And makes an amateur mistake. Way to piss off a duck, Meghan.

Garret and Jessica arrive shortly thereafter, as do other teams. Matt, gifted with farming skills again, quickly herds his ducks while the girls immediately start to cry and scream “What do I do?!” Meanwhile, we begin to see the less charming side of Dan as he throws a tantrum when Sam loses a duck. Oh… fuck a duck.

Both Jessica and Meghan go over their time. I have to admit it’s hysterical watching these two try to rationalize with ducks. They keep plunging into the middle of the herd instead of staying on the outside and “herding”.

HOWEVER, Ericka lays down the LAW!

“OH HELL NO! I once wrestled a saltine away from Ms. New York. I can CERTAINLY regulate your quacker asses!”

Team Hot Boys finish first and head to the pit stop! The Bassac III Riverboat!

9 lifesavers. 10 teams. I think I know how the last team gets eliminated. I love this season!

Team Farmer Boys finishes second! Country Boys: 2. City Folk: 0. Meanwhile the duck whisperer, Zev, gets on the scene and rounds those “monkeys” up real fast. Everyone praises his skills. It’s one of those “it’s amazing cause he’s “special”" type sentiments from everyone.

Mika and Canaan seem to be having the most problems…

“The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!!!”

Wouldn’t it be awesome if this was the one time God chose to answer their prayers? Gotta love a Christian.

The brothers are doing great too…

Does anyone else see that as seasons go by, the teams unravel faster and faster?

Teams are making a run through the fishing village and finally Gary and Matt emerge as Team #1!!! And they win… A KAYAK! A KAYAK?!! Don’t you think the prizes should equal out a bit?! Last team won a trip somewhere and these guys win a KAYAK? BS!

Hot Bros and Trotters arrive right behind them with Lance and Keri right behind. As much as I wanted to see Lance get cut – he will be entertaining to watch. Like a trainwreck. A trainwreck full of lawyers. Because he’s a lawyer. Did you catch that? Lawyer.

The only teams left are Team Ms America and Team Ms Columbia! Brian shouts at Ericka and she whips around, fire blowing from her ears and snaps, ” THIS IS NOT EASY – DON’T YOU DARE GET DISAPPOINTED IN ME!” HA! Looooove her! Tell ‘em girl!

“And you can pick your balls back up at the pit stop.” SNAP!

Jessica tries to calm herself and tries, yet again, to herd. Back at the mat, Zev and Justin check in with Team Master Race right behind. Team Pokerface checks in behind them and surprisingly there’s lots of kissing and hugging. Give it time. Soon all teams check in.

Ericka finally beats Jessica and finishes with a “I’m eating duck for dinner!” I think she might be my favorite so far. You know she didn’t become “Ms America” by playing nice. I bet some girls got their asses handed to them along the way!

Team Ms America does the hustle bustle and… MAKES IT! Team #10!!! Garret and Jessica check in and get ELIMINATED!

In the final interview, Garret ends with, “I don’t know if we’re closer to marriage.”

By the look on Jessica’s face I’d say she knows. Not so much.

And that’s it! Holy crap that was a jam-packed premier! What did everyone think? Who are your favorites? Put in your predictions for the winner now! Any thoughts on the teams? Am I being too kind? Too harsh? Or is my porridge just right? I love comments! Come on folks and DISH IT!