Amazing Race: Shock & Awe: The Beginning of Sportsbra-gate!

I’m back everyone! Sorry for the delay – it’s only because I flew to Brazil to meet up with the teams and interview them! Unfortunately I never found them because I thought they speak Spanish there and I tried looking for them under a clue in the sand. DAMN YOU AMAZING RACE! I learned it from watching you!

We start off at the last pit stop where teams have come to rest and the scandal of all scandals occurred…

Christy accuses Starr of knocking her sports bra off a ledge while it was drying!

O….M….G!!!!!

I know right?! And what do Nick and Starr do?

Have a good cackle and claim innocence.

I could see Starr doing it – but not our cute lil’ gay Rambo. Seriously – how many articles of camouflage does this boy own? No matter how straight you try to dress sir – you can’t hiiiiide!

Ken and Tina are the first to leave and they’re headed to the new stop – La Paz, Bolivia. I wonder if everyone will try to speak Italian there since it sounds Italian. Although this place is 12,000 feet high – so maybe they’ll just gurgle and spit and hope for the best.

Mark & Bill tell us that even though it may take them more time to analyze a situation before they jump into it – they think it’ll pay off. Foreshadowing anyone!? It’s either going to go very well or very bad for these two!

Sarah says that she’s starting to realize that “this is not a popularity” competition. No shit – and be happy it isn’t!! You’re douche-nozzle of a boyfriend would’ve sunk your battleship.

Dallas says he wants to use this race as a way to get to know his Mom on “another level”. Uh oh. Oedipus tried that too and he ended up blinding myself. Actually the thought of that makes ME want to blind himself. His mom’s not a looker. Sweet lady though.

And then my favorite – Starr says you have to be careful about pissing other teams off – because it’ll come back to bite you. REALLY?!? Were you there when your brother shot Sarah down at the “wall” challenge?! Ask Sarah about it if you’d like to have our face blown off. She’s a lil’ bitter.

Meanwhile Kelly and Christy say they won’t get annoyed with each other – they’ll just laugh at other people. Riiiight. I love how these people set themselves up for the fall.

Andrew and Dan say they think they’re in shape enough to win it AND they’re satisfied with the way they look. I don’t mean to be shallow…

But satisfied? You don’t think you could make the slightest improvement? Well… here he is ladies… all yours!

Brooke and Marisa comment how every team seems so surprised when they catch up to them. They think the other teams are underestimating them. No… I’d say they’re estimating about right.

As teams arrive in La Paz they begin to find it hard to breath because of the elevation. I can’t wait to see how this affects the brain power of the Divorcees and Blondes. Where are we?! Who are we?! AHHHH!!!

Let’s not leave out Starr though – she asks the cabbie to bring them to the statue of Simon Boliviar – not Bolivar mind you – Boliviar. Sadly the cabbie understands her. I would have stood there and made her say it 100 times before I went “OH! BOLIVAR!!! No I don’t know where it is.”

Teams arrive at the statue and they find out they have to sleep on the cold, hard ground. WTF?! Since when has Amazing Race started to look like Survivor?! There’s a sweet Bolivian lady there handing out blankets – but really? I’d be like “Ummm – where-o is four-o star-o hotel-o?!”

After a restful night sleep on cold concrete in the middle of 2 busy streets, the teams wake up and: A) Plan their day? B) Find out information on La Paz and/or Bolivia? or C) Put make-up on. If you said “Are you fucking kidding me – C?!?” You’d be right!

A beauty mark?! What is she, a French aristocrat?! Idiots.

Before they start the day, Nick approaches the Divorcees to try and smooth over any animosity regarding Sportsbra-Gate. Their response? “We don’t care if people don’t like us.” WOW. I just can’t understand why they’re divorced. Good luck to you!

Surprisingly, Sarah is wise enough to get some poor, unsuspecting girl to volunteer to get dragged around by them. I’m pretty sure she’ll ditch them after Terrence opens his mouth. Annoying people transcend the language barrier.

The newspapers soon arrive with the hidden clue with their next destination. Everyone pours over them looking for a clue while the Blondes desperately try to learn to read. And they, of course, are the last ones to find the clue.

How the Blondes missed an ad for a hat sale is beyond me. They are totally putting there Alpha Phi sisters to shame.

Some take a cab while others, with their volunteer tourguides, run for it. Traffic soon becomes a problem and it allows Terrence and Sarah to catch up to cab-riding chubbers, Andrew and Dan. Once they buy their “Cholitas” – there next clue is a “Detour”.

They can either: Musical March: Where teams gather up musicians from around the area to form a band to lead to the next clue. The other option – Bumpy Ride:

Ride these rickety pieces of shit down busy cobblestone streets. Dear God I hope Amazing Race has an ambulance standing by. And if not, an excellent team of lawyers.

And at the end of this Detour?! Our season’s first “U-Turn”!!! OH SNAP! You know bitches be U-Turning people left and right! If they do, the u-turned team must also complete the other detour. And that ain’t cool! Shiiiit. (Sorry – I suddenly felt hip-hoppy.)

After the teams get their hat-on, they begin splitting up to the different detours. However the one catch is – they must travel on foot – NOT taxi. Tricky clue or way for CBS to save money on production? You be the judge!

Most people catch on to this… except the Nerds! NERDS! Why is it that smart people make the dumbest mistakes? Oh hubris.

Meanwhile Terrance, Sarah and their desaparecido, are making their way in a Taxi when they discover that they’re not suppose to be cabbing it!

They also discover that while Sarah likes to watch – neither Terrance or the Bolivian girl are into it.

And it’s always aaaawkward afterwards!

The Nerds top it all off by saying “I don’t want to curse myself by saying we’re in first – but I think we’re doing well!” DUDE! Listen to yourself! Did the producers feed you that line?! You should have just said “I don’t want to brag – but I think we just won Amazing Race.” If they get booted they deserve it for that one. HUBRIS!

Dallas and his mom are hiking up the hill and it looks like the poor lady’s lungs are gonna give out. Hmmm – if Dallas was such a macho Texan he might want to think about giving Mommy a piggy-back ride. If she hits the concrete he totally loses cool points.

The fat Frats are gathering band members and getting peeved that they’re not marching fast enough. Does anyone else notice how moody/pissy Dan gets? Somebody is certainly not going to enjoy this Amazing Race. He’s kvetching the whole time. I’d like to see him, Terrance and Tina on a group team!

The blondes choose the marching bands because they’re “very friendly girls”. I think that’s southern bell-speak for felating these guys into doing what they ask. Felating? Is that a word? I bet it is in the south so it counts.

I like to call this work of art “Nerds on Scooters” aka “Offending the Natives”.

Terrence, of course, bitches after 5 seconds of riding that there are no cushions. Apparently Sarah forgot to put his Preparation H on this morning – and for this she’ll pay dearly.

Before beginning their plummet down the hill, the bitter Divorcees admit that Nick and Starr are most definitely their arch-rivals. LOVE IT! I love that this was all started from a sports bra going over a ledge. Isn’t this how WW2 started? Do not mess with these ladies’ abilities to keep their breasts in check! DAMN IT!

AND THEY’RE OFF!

Kelly, unable to control her knockers sans sports bra, loses her balance and bites it into the curb!

The nerds are way ahead – get to the U-turn and decide NOT to U-Turn. Bet they’re gonna regret that – ALMOST as much as not reading the directions. I wonder how bad they’re gonna get screwed for that. They get their next clue – heading off to “Los Titanes del Ring”.

Meanwhile – look how much fun Danny boy is having with the marching bands! “HMPH! I had more fun at fat camp!”

I love how casual the Blondes are going through the motions – just dancing along with their band. If they win it’ll completely be the tortoise beating the hare.

Uh oh – looks like there’s some trouble in family-land! Dallas tells Toni he doesn’t want to get sent home and she snaps “Well I don’t either Dallas!” YEAH DALLAS! What a stupid name! Who gave that stupid name to you anyways?! I bet she gives him a spankin’ at the next pit stop.

The Fat Frats are now furious that the happy-go-lucky Blondes have caught up. I LOVE that they blondes describe the Fat Frats as “There they were – just waddling along!” Major points to the Blondes for that one. Those guys are most definitely not getting laid… ever.

The Blondes get to the clue box and decided NOT to U-turn anyone – aww – a lil’ southern kindness. They’re totally gonna get dicked over. Sarah & Terrance, Ken & Tina and Fat Frats all decide NOT to U-Turn which is SHOCKING. They must be saving it up.

Nick and Starr are pushing hard because they know if the Divorcees get to the U-Turn box before them they’re SCREWED. HELL HAS NO FURY LIKE A WOMAN’S SPORTS BRA MISPLACED!

Most random moment of the episode?! Aja flying out of the tunnel at about 40mph on the piece of shit bike while quoting poetry!

That guy standing there is either thinking, “What the FUCK is that?” or “That’s from William Ernest Henley’s “Invictus”, right?” Either one. Possibly both.

Nick and Starr manage to BLOW by the Divorcees! I guarantee you this rivalry is going to end in an emergency room somewhere. Oh – what was that bBitz?! And now I give you…

It might have been helpful for Christy to learn to say “GET THE FUCK OUTTA THE WAY!!!!” in Spanish.

I really wish they did on-the-spot interviews with people like this poor girl. She was just going about her day when some moron with a bird-feather helmet ran her down on a bicycle made of popsicle sticks. I’m sure this show does great things for foreigner’s perception of Americans.

Biggest shocker of the episode?! Nick and Starr decide NOT to U-Turn the Divorcees!! Another olive branch?! They just give and give. Take that bitter Divorcees! Although they did try and get Aja & Ty to U-Turn them. Oh well… semantics. And of course later on, in the taxi, Nick and Starr gleefully recount blowing by the Divorcees. Ok. So… not so much on the olive branch.

The Nerds, currently in “1st” place, make a detour of their own – their cabbie stops for gas! Hahahaha! They are so getting screwed on this leg. If that happened to me I would’ve been like “Oh no no – you can get out and push – we are NOT stopping!” I hope the cabbie has to go inside to pay with cash and takes time to pick up a bag of pork rinds too.

Meanwhile Sarah gets PISSED that their cabbie “literally asks every person he sees” for directions. UMMMM – isn’t that better than dropping your dumb ass off in the middle of nowhere or getting lost?! Of course you could (and have) done that on your own as well. I wish we could go back in time and pay that cabbie to drop them off in the roughest area of town so we could watch how THAT would pan out.

Ken and Tina reach the next clue box first and find a ROADBLOCK! In this roadblock, one person must beat up a girl called a “Fighting Cholita”. Boo! I would much rather stick a Cholita hat on Tina and watch Ken go at her. Or better yet – the Divorcees vs Nick & Starr. RUUUUMBLE!

The only way to pass this roadblock is to successfully complete 6 different moves – none of which is “Keg Stand” or “Circle Jerk” so the Fat Frats are outta luck.

Ken is surprised that it’s a woman he’s fighting. I’d think he’d be excited! He’s an old pro at getting his ass beat by a woman. And if that doesn’t threaten his masculinity…

THIS WILL.

And Tina’s so happy that for the first time ever her face registers something other than “ANGER”. Of course it also blows the eyebrows off of her face – but so be it.

Ken successfully completes the road block and they’re off to “Mirador El Monticulo” – the PIT STOP!

Meanwhile, traveling far behind in their lost taxi…

Terrence and Sarah witness complete armageddon. Oh wait… it turns out it’s just a red & yellow flag.

That coincidentally has NOTHING to do with Amazing Race!!! HAHAHA! I love it! These two screw themselves every time. I have never seen a couple have more random f-up’s on this show than these two!

On the other side of town, Aja and Ty have become the new Anthony & Stephanie – their cab breaks down. Luckily Ty defers from becoming Anthony by cursing all third world countries and their broken cars.

Many teams are now in a cluster-fuck cab race to make it to the road block. It seems that many of them are WAY behind Ken and Tina. How did this happen?! Much to the delight of their cabbie, Terrence and Sarah decide to hop out of the cab and run for it. Once they get to the road block – it’s Sarah that decides to fight the Cholitas. BIG SURPRISE. I’m sure Terrence was afraid they’d kick him in his man-gina.

Out of all the teams fighting the cholitas, Mark seems to be having the roughest time.

That is NOT good for the spine.

Now – you would think the biggest fight would be brewing inside the ring – but no. Aja decides to tell the Divorcees that Starr asked her and Ty to U-Turn them. OOHHHH SHHHIIIIIT. There is officially a category 5 shit-storm brewing!

Arch rivals make for arched eyebrows.

Toni goes back to being her adorable self while cheering Dallas on. I think these two are becoming my favorite. SportsBra-gate tainted Nick and Starr for me and these two are constantly positive and doing quite well.

And Dallas can even make this outfit look HOT. So… there’s that.

And they’re close. REALLY close.

While Toni and Dallas are on their way, half the teams are still fighting the cholitas. Some are speeding through it with ease…

And some are not. Some may say it was the altitude and some may say it was exerting more energy than it takes to play Wii.

Dan throws the girls around like… well… a frat guy. And Nick throws the girls around like… well… a girl. But they still move on while poor Mark fucks up a second time and it’s back to training and the oxygen tank. I hope he brings the tank along for when he finds out they were supposed to walk and not take a taxi.

On the other hand, Ken and Tina (still with a smile!!!) arrive at the pit stop and find that Phil has been abducted…

By the world’s first human-peacock hybrid. These are the types of people I get stuck next to on an airplane.

I love how the more Ken and Tina win the more they tell us how their relationship is improving. You think we’d be hearing the same BS if they were in last place and Tina was ripping his balls off for every mistake?! Exactly.

Back at the ring, Mark manages to avoid the ICU and complete the Road Block, Sarah shows the Cholitas who wears the pants in her family and the Divorcees are bitter… in general. Doesn’t look like they’re just “laughing at others” now!

Dallas and Toni check in next while the other teams race to get to the pit stop. The Blondes blow by the Fat Frats making the only time the word “blow” will be used in the same sentence as “Blondes” and “Fat Frats”.

On the way in the cab race – the Divorcees plot their revenge against Starr. I believe it’ll have something to do with them wielding powers of bitchiness never before seen on TV.

Terrence and Sarah come in 3rd while the Blondes come in fourth. FOURTH!!! Those two amaze me. Aja & Ty and Ryan & Starr come in as 5 and 6. I wonder if Aja mentioned to them how she sold them up the river to the Divorcees.

Next check-in – the Nerds, Mark & Bill, BUT because they took a cab instead of walking in the beginning they incur a 30 minute penalty. They’re SCREWED. There’s no way the Divorcees are more than 30 minutes behind. Finally the Divorcees arrive – with time to spare – and I swear I could hear Starr screaming “SHIT!!! BITCHES!!!” in the background.

Poor Mark and Bill – they screwed themselves right out of the race by missing one sentence. Talk about kicking yourself in the ass for all time. 20 years from now they’ll still wake up screaming in the middle of the night – “NO CAB! WALK!!!”

So that’s it! What’s everyone think?! Have there been bigger missteps over such a simple mistake in AR past?! How exciting is it to have a good, ol’ fashioned rivalry?! Whose side are you on?! DISH IT!