Amazing Race: She Loses, Everyone Wins!

This season we learned being incredibly bitchy (cheerleaders), insufferably whiny (you know who) and bilingual yet oblivious (Tammy/Victor) gets you to the final three. It’s now time to learn which of those traits really pays off – just remember – no matter who wins – we all lose. Why? Because this is AMAZING RACE!

Victor and Tammy are the first to leave China for their final destination, Hawaii!

Where apparently men as large as trees roam under a giant sun and over ground studded with spikes. Horrible!

Luke and Margie are the second to leave and claim that they’ll do anything to win. Luke even says he’ll force his mother to cart his ass around in a rickshaw if he has to. Ahhh… it’s funny cause it’s true.

Last to leave is Cara and Beezelbub herself, Jaime. Their thoughts? “Don’t underestimate us!” True – we underestimated Hitler and look what happened there. Right? One day he made love to a wild boar and months later Jaime was born.

Hakuna Ma-ICH STEIN!!!

All teams now head to Maui and race for a taxi. Margie and Luke tell their taxi to drive fast – his response?

My response would’ve been: “Fuck this – we’re out.”

But they decide to stick with him. Best of luck!

Once at the beach access point, they must prep a pig for a traditional Hawaiian Luau, carry it across a beach and put it in the fire pit correctly.

Teams must wear beachwear while on the challenge so they change in their taxis. So of course Cara and Jaime flash their cabbie to get him to speed up. Instead, blinded, he drives off the nearest cliff.

Victor and Tammy arrive and start prepping their pig.

I guess this explains why no Hasidic Jews were cast in this season.

Victor and Tammy finish quickly with Cara and Jaime right behind them. Margie and Luke arrive third and frantically prep.

Teams are having a rough time carrying the pigs though. Jaime is getting PISSED because Cara keeps dropping it. She screams “Tammy is a weakling! We can pass her!” Sweet gal, really. Can’t wait ’til she drop kicks Tammy and drowns her in the surf.

Jaime: “PICK IT UP CARA! I can’t carry TWO pigs the rest of this race!!! BWAAHHH!!”

OMG – I love how all the young girls are freaking out and crying while MARGIE BLOWS BY all of them to finish first! LOL. Love it! Go Bionic Mom! It could’ve only been better if they whacked Jaime with the pig as they blew by.

Back on the beach, Jaime is getting craaazy on Cara. Wow – I’ve never seen her this crazed. And at one point this season we even saw her gut a cabbie’s newborn in front of him just so she could make mittens.

This is also how to make a Hawaiian sandwich: 2 slices of white bread and a whole lotta Spam in the middle. AloooooHA!

Everyone, through much pain and turmoil (at one point I think Tammy may have given birth), finally makes it to the finish to put their pig in their own fire pit. Teams must now correctly prepare the leaves, soil, etc to make the roasting pit.

Margie and Luke, who have a pretty good knack for following directions, finish first and get the next clue – they’re off to McGregor point where they’ll look for marked buoys while on jet skis! Oooh! Adventure! $10 says someone loses a digit to a propellor.

Back at the pig pit – the other teams realize that they’re making their pit wrong. After Jaime berates Cara just a wee bit more – they get it right and all teams complete the task. This little piggy got dragged across a beach, this little piggy was improperly buried and then this little piggy was dug back up by a really, really pissed off “Amazing Race” PA. Seriously – CBS’ worst internship.

Margie and Luke jump in the water and head for the jet-skis. Margie takes the steering wheel and off they go.

Margie: “If he yells “Go Go Go!” one more time I’m gunning it and never looking back. No jury that’s watched this show would convict me.”

Tammy and Victor arrive and hop on a jet ski with Cara and Jaime close behind. Meanwhile Luke and Margie find a clue but Margie’s ready to knock Luke out from hearing “Go Mama Go!” 40 million times.

Their clue reads to find the “Surfboard Fence” for their next clue.

Back in the water, Victor/Tammy and Jaime/Cara get their clues.

But not before Cara finally gets to stick it to Jaime while on the jet ski. Bam!

Once back on land, teams all head out of the water and off to the road block. In this road block, teams must dig through a HUGE pile of surfboards and find the pictures on the right surfboards that match up to the things they’ve seen and done while on the race. They have to dig through “false” ones, find the right ones and put them in the right order.

Luke’s up first and digs right in. He’s actually really good at it. I would never had matched up half the shit he’s getting right. And what’s worse, anyone I know that I’d be on the race with wouldn’t either. Which means I’d either be fucking us out of a million dollars – or I’d turn into Jaime on the sidelines while my partner fucked it up.

Like this one. WTF?! That’s supposed to remind them of the church they first went to?! I’d have been like, “Uhhh… Jesus… walking on water?! OMG – It’s the time Victor was so convinced he was right you’d think he walks on water! No? Ummm… the time Margie carried Luke across a river so his hair didn’t get wet?”

The time Steve paid Linda $10 to shut the fuck up and stop crying?

Meanwhile, Cara and Jaime are in the process of getting lost for, what I’m guessing is, the very last time, on their cabbie’s very last day on earth with a ball sack.

Grossest moment in “AR” elimination mat history.

In a hurry to get around, Luke takes off his shorts to work faster and illicit the ever-useful “Boner of Concentration.”

The time Jennifer and Preston were sent packing on the first day?

Meanwhile, Jaime and Cara are having a blast with their cabbies.

AND THEN – in a season first – someone finally stands up to Jaime!!! The cabbie’s radio dispatcher gets fed up with the constant calls for directions and replies…

OHHHH SNAP! Drink it up Jaime!!! You just got served a tall glass of “Shut the fuck up!”

But wait – does that settle Jaime down?! NOPE! She decides to call the police station instead!!! Love it:

Cop: 911… What is your emergency?

Jaime: I’m in the “Amazing Race” and I need–

Cop: BITCH YOU GOTTA BE OUTTA YOUR MIND!!!

But NO! Instead they help her and give her the directions! Fantastic, Jaime. You just taught half the morons watching this show to use 911 as a Garmin.

Luckily the cabbie seems to have no fear of death and decides to STOP FOR GAS. NOOO!!! Don’t bring her to a gas station!!! This cheerleader is about to “TICK TICK TICK BOOM! DYNAMITE!! BOOM BOOM DYNAMITE!!”

Back at the surfboard challenge Luke is WAY ahead and no one else has even arrived. Unless he royally fucks this up they have it in the bag.

Victor and Tammy arrive and…

Tammy and Margie share the fakest hug ever. “Heeeyyy… so good to see you!” “It’s so good to see YOU!” (Pause) “I’ll fucking kill you.” “I’ll fucking kill YOU!”

The time Kris threw Amanda from the Sky Way? Ahhh… a man can dream can’t he?

Luke has only 2 left to go and Victor and trailing way behind. So… Victor takes his pants off too! Hmmm… this is the start of the most awkward porno in history.

Back in Jaime and Cara’s cab – they quickly get gas and JAIME APOLOGIZES to the cabbie. I know what you’re all thinking – the earth cracked open – there was a putrid smell and Jaime crawled back into the Underworld. But no! She just apologized and NOTHING happened. Crazy.

Back at the Boards of Fortune – Vanna White Boy flashes us a “XX”.

Oh crappers – looks like Luke is about to screw the pooch. Victor’s quickly catching up now – which I think is unfair because he’s TOTALLY used to running around in his undies. He’s a pro!

Soon the cheerleaders arrive – and look at the warm welcome THEY get…

Love it! Way to make friends on the race girls!

The girls read the clue and decide that Jaime is best equipped for the memory challenge. However I’m guessing Cara’s thinking “Ain’t NO WAY I’m putting myself between YOU and the million dollars… crazy bitch.”

Cara tells Jaime to play it cool to which Jaime then hurls a surfboard she doesn’t want like 10 feet. Wow… the brute strength of evil knows no limit.

It’s not getting down to the wire between Luke and Victor! Victor has caught up and Luke is quickly starting to give up and throw a tantrum. It especially doesn’t help that it looks like he’s stamping around in his pampers.

OMG! Victor puts his final board on the stand… and…

He panic shits himself when he finds out he DID IT!

Victor and Tammy then run off in wild abandon towards THE FINISH LINE!!!!!

Back at the challenge, Jaime has now caught up and is evil-head-to-evil-to-head with Luke! HOWEVER, Luke decides to work with Jaime and help each other to win! Luke (foolishly) gives Jaime her hint first (the “Jesus” board) and she exclaims, “I don’t remember seeing Jesus!” I’m still waiting for the follow-up of, “Except that one time when I was tempting him in the desert.”

Jaime finishes and YOU JUST KNOW she wants to run off and fuck Luke over but she turns (just as Cara’s yelling at her to help) and goes back to help Luke. She helps him realize that the one clue he’s forgetting is the “Scorpion-eating” challenge. BET HE WOULD’VE REMEMBERED IT IF HE HAD TO EAT THEM!

Luke and Margie, once with the great lead, now are leaving last…

And this is not a proud walk-of-shame.

Luke then has a bit of a meltdown in the car – as do the cheerleaders. Margie is sweet to Luke and comforts him. Jaime blames herself for not remembering the church (IRONY?!) and Cara says she’s still proud of her. WHAT?! Oh Cara. This was your chance to let her have it and you BLEW IT. Were you not present for every verbal beating she ever gave you?!!

And so the time has come! Nostalgic music plays as Tammy and Victor ride to what they know is their million dollars and suddenly we see the whole gang again at the finish line…

They’re still alive?

Hot Kris and What’s-Her-Useless-Face?

Weebles may wobble but they don’t fall down!

Linda’s rejoicing for the 5 minute break she’s getting from the belt.

Awww. Love these guys. Especially the older looking one. Whichever one that is.

Hope she used the bathroom before they got here.

And the plastics. They laugh but their faces just won’t allow it.

And then….

THE WINNERS! Ahhh yes. One hundred thousand miracles.

Victor is thrilled he won and is so proud of his sister. He’s also stoked to spend $500,000 on office supplies. I’m hoping he also splurges on some balls.

Jaime and Cara finally make it in. HAHAHAHAHAHA. LOSERS. Jaime cries and Cara is all positive. And lastly, Margie and Luke arrive. Once they move past the hail of darts coming from the Sisters’ eyes, Luke gives a heartfelt speech about what his Mom means to him. Very sweet. He ends by saying that deaf people can do anything… which is very true.

EXCEPT WIN THE AMAZING RACE.

CHEERS EVERYONE!!! THANKS FOR READING!!!