Amazing Race: Smashin’ Massholes

Previously we learned that if you make it through rounds and rounds of interviews and casting sessions and the first 3 legs of the race – you should probably know enough to HOLD ON TO YOUR @%&*$@! PASSPORT! WHY?!?! Because this is “AMAZING RACE“. Not “Amazing Race Around the Continental US”.

Dan and Sam, the 2 usurpers of Zev and Justin’s first place throne, leave first and get the clue, “Fly to the Persian Gulf and find the world’s tallest building.” If Lance thinks it’s somewhere in Iraq this is going to be the best episode EVER. Either way I think they should make him wear a “Jesus is my Homeboy” t-shirt for this leg. Just, ya know, to see if he makes it.

Teams are actually on their way to Dubai which is like the Disneyland of the Persian Gulf. The building is the “Burj Dubai” and is twice as high as the Empire State Building. Which really only means it takes suicide jumpers in Dubai twice as long to kill themselves.

Team Bromos heads out and asks their taxi cab driver where the tallest building in the Persian Gulf is. He doesn’t know. But he totally missed his chance to say, “It’s definitely in Iran. You should try there first. Make sure to hold hands while looking for it.”

WAIT – I just replayed that last part – they asked WHERE THE PERSIAN GULF IS. REALLY?!!? COME ON!!! It’s not like I expect everyone to know where the Persian Gulf is, I mean we’ve only been in several wars within the region over the last decades – no biggie – but if you’re going to be on the “Amazing Race”… AT LEAST KNOW WHERE MAJOR SHIT IS!!!! SHIT!!! I pray they don’t air this show in Europe. MORONS.

Team Trotters says they think they’ll be able to win because they lived through hurricanes. I love how they wait until they’re about to head into a dessert to use “lived through hurricanes” as a reason they’ll win. Your river-rafting and ability to hold an umbrella while doing things should also come in handy.

Team Oreo leaves next and Ms. America knows exactly where the tallest building is! Now THAT, my friend, is breaking a stereotype! Perhaps it’s where she wanted to start her mission of world peace… for the children… in the Iraq… such as… and South Africa… like… for the children. Thank you.

Team Trotters stops by an internet cafe to find out where the building is and also that they have to go to the airport to book tickets.

Team BroMos arrives to the airport to ask for “Tickets to the Persian Gulf”. While they’re at it, they’re also going to buy some tickets to “The European Airport”, “The North American Train Station” and “Antartican Parking Lot”.

Finally they realize “the Persian Gulf isn’t even a country”. I’m ashamed for them. I give up. How pissed would all of you be if I just gave up writing right now?

………

I’ve decided to come back. Only to ridicule these assholes for the rest of the season. Were you worried?

Team Oreo shows up and finally tells Dumb and Dumber that it’s in Dubai. To which I fully expect them to reply, “But isn’t that on Endor?!”

Team Massholes talk about how their wedding already has a deposit down on it. I can’t imagine what that must cost. “Medieval Times” isn’t cheap.

Team Bible Beaters gets in a little scuffle when Canaan tells Mika she needs to “change that lil’ ‘tude of yours.” Wow. WWJD? SMITE her!

Soon all teams arrive at the airport to book tickets. Except for these two…

Who I’m convinced just stared at this computer for 15 minutes before they realized they had to turn it on.

They make it to the airport just in time to fly to Dubai, via Bangkok, with the other teams.

Once in Dubai, teams frantically try to find a water fountain where the next clue is. However, Mika and Canaan run into a problem when their cab driver has no idea what they’re talking about…

And Canaan chooses a hell of a time to tell everyone his God is #1.

All teams finally arrive at the sign-up list for the shuttle and Team Farm Boys place last – although they’re still smiling which is much more than you can say for the other teams.

Speaking of which, the next morning, while they wait for their elevator ride to the top, Mika starts to have a melt down because she’s afraid of heights. Canaan misses his opportunity to explain that this just a great way to get closer to God. Because he lives in the clouds. And if the elevator comes crashing down, she’ll get to meet him! Damn it. I wish I could’ve been there to ease her fears.

The first set of teams reaches the top and gets their clue: head to the “Dubai Desert Conservation Reserve”.

WOW! That looks… dry. Talk about your budget cuts. Yikes.

ALSO, teams find out that there is a FAST FORWARD ahead – the only one in the race! The first team who finds the Dubai Autodrome and completes a lap in less than 45 seconds, gets to proceed directly to the pitstop! If they’re racing tractors, Team Farm Boys SO has this in the bag.

Oh Jaime Kennedy. How far will your career sink?

On the way down, Brian gets the idea for them to tell all the other teams how SCARY the top is. Team Master Race agrees and stepping out of the elevator scream, “THERE WAS BLACK PEOPLE UP THERE!!!” Aaaaaawkward.

Teams quickly make their way to the cars – most head towards the desert and a few to the Fast Forward.

Gary: “I’m about ready to wet myself.” Translation at his age: “I’ve already wet myself.”

Team Massholes can’t find where their car is paahhked. They are also the only people I know that can turn the word “sure” into 2 syllables, ie. “sho-ah”.

Team Master Race arrives at the Fast Forward and seem to be the only team to actually do it! HUH?! Why wouldn’t the other teams who left at the same time they did try it?! Ugh. What a cake walk.

Most teams start driving through the desert in their chauffeured SUV’s (another challenging task) but Team Massholes seems to be getting completely lost. Mostly because they’re screaming at each other in tongues not yet discovered. Unless you’re from Southie.

Team Oreo gets to the clue box and discovers the next clue: ROAD BLOCK – teams must find water in buried urns in the dessert. However, not all urns contain water. What does that mean Phil?! Please tell me they’re filled with vodka and/or camel piss and they have to taste it to find out.

Team Oreo takes time to tell us…

“Chocolate melts in the sun.” What about self-insulting pageant queens? A light burn?

Speaking of chocolate, Brian starts digging in the sand and discovers… camel shit! LOL! Looove it! Even better than camel piss!

Teams finally start discovering that there are urns buried in the sand but can’t find any with water. Dan, of Team BroMos, comments, “This was a good one to sit out.” Way to be a team player!

Team Trotters and Team Farm Boys arrive and join in the hunt. Brian finally finds water as Team Massholes is STILL lost (where’s the green monstah?!) and Team Master Race takes their first lap around the raceway.

Meghan is shitting bricks while Cheynne blows around the track. But really? 45 seconds? Is it me or was this task REALLY not hard at all? He did it in the first lap!!! They should’ve made Meghan push it. Or set up speed bumps. Or use Meghan as a speed bump! Something! Anyways, they win it and head directly to the pit stop. Bogus.

Brian fills his bag o’ water and even tips Sam and Tiffany off as to where it is. Because he cares? No. Because he’s hoping for a kick-back down the road? Yes. And my feeling is it’ll definitely be a kick-in-the-back.

Team Oreo then gets the next clue – head to SKI DUBAI!!! FUN!!! I’d be PISSED if I did the Fast Forward and found out I missed out on this! It’s an indoor ski resort!!!

Ironically, Team Master Race misses out on the whitest challenge ever.

Back at the sand dunes, Dan breaks his ladle so Tiffany swoops in to rescue him with hers. Awww – an alliance is forming. This will see a quick demise when the girls expect them to hold a door open for them. BAM!

This is no time for role-playing Gary!

Team BroMos, Pokerface and Farm Boys all head out while Team Trotters still look for water. Flight Easy comments that “He walked through Hurricane Katrina, he can walk through this.” Here’s hoping there’s a water urn hidden inside of a Super Dome on the other side of that sand dune.

Team Bible Beaters is in the process of getting lost when Team Oreo pulls over and tells them where to go. Brian’s really trying to cash in on this “Karma Theory”. Isn’t that, like, anti-Karma?

Miss America comments that “Brian is way nicer than I am.” She finishes with, “I would’ve told them to make a right instead of a left… and set fire to their car.”

No one’s helping Team Massholes right now – who seem to be in last place. Suckers.

AND THEN… just as Team Pokerface is about to leave the desert, Maria drives over something!

Who saw that coming? Ahh… if only Team Oreo was here to give their 2 cents.

It was at this point I figured “Amazing Race” had its first homicide.

Just as I was waiting to hear, “Oh my God!! Where’s my baby?!?” we see that Maria ran over a friggin’ pole that went right into the radiator…

Really?

HAHAHAHA! Broken?!? Yeah… minor flesh wound.

Maria’s defense is, “Well there was a car behind us, so I just went forward!” DEAR GOD! What happens if she gets blocked in at a elementary school?! “There was a car parked behind me!!!” as they pull her car out of the jungle gym – scraping kindergartners off the front of it.

Tiffany actually has a sense of humor about it and says they gave their car a little tickle. To which Maria replies, (fire and flames shoot out of her mouth, ears and several other orifices).

Team BroMos decide to do the right thing and help the girls out by standing there and pissing away their time while the girls wait for a second car. Nice gesture though. Suckers.

The extra car finally arrives and Maria hops in the driver’s seat for round two, exclaiming “It’s OK – I have an excuse – I’m an Asian female driver!” Awful. It has nothing to do with her being female.

Team Massholes is STILL lost and STILL arguing. Ugh – so done with them. Even when they argue they’re not interesting. Just blaaahhh…. At least get angry and throw shit. I mean… this is a reality show after all. Have the decency to break shit.

Up ahead, Team Master Race checks in as Team #1. How AWESOME would it be if they changed the editing to reveal that they had actually been behind this whole time and then they get eliminated?! Ugh – I need to run this show.

Anyways, they win a trip for two to Jamaica. It’s no kayak though. Right Farm Boys?

Team Massholes FINALLY finds the water challenge and Lance decides he’ll do it. Ick. He’s gonna smell RIPE by the end of this challenge. Talk about getting even with the taxi driver.

Team FARM BOYS is actually the first to arrive at the Ski Dubai challenge where they find the DETOUR: Build a Snowman (where teams must build a snowman outdoors) or Find a Snowman (where teams must find a snowman buried in the snow).

Seriously, Jaime Kennedy? So sad.

Team Farm Boys decides to find a snowman while Lance desperately tries to find water while doing what he does best… SMASHING!

Producers: “WAIT!!! That one has your grandma’s ashes in it!!! We thought it would be poignant.”

Team Farm Boys start sliding down the snow mountain on shovels…

Guess which one Matt is.

Team Oreo, BroMos and Pokerface arrive and all decide to try and find the snowman.

For the gentlemen in the photo on the left, please let me know if you’d like Lance’s address. I’d imagine you’ll want to mail him something.

Back at the Ski Dubai – I must say, it was pretty cute watching Ms. America enjoy herself as she went flying down the mountain. And I was just a tiny bit proud that she resisted a “Black people don’t like snow!” comment. Maybe “Amazing Race” really can change people.

But seriously folks…

Teams are now frantically digging and Ms. America is the first to find the tiny snowman! (Girl is having a good day!) Best part is, is that she finds it at the bottom of the pile so someone else probably dug out it and missed it. Good eye!

Their clue reads to head to the pit stop: Souk Madinat Jumeirah! Love that place.

Back in last place… Team Massholes is wandering around Dubai looking for Ski Dubai. Depending on how long the other teams take to look – they could be fucked. (fingers crossed) Ironically, they seem to get along better the more and more they get lost.

Team Trotters arrive just as Team Farm Boys and Team Pokerface switch to “Build a Snowman”. However Team Bible Beaters is still looking for the place. Mika reaffirms that she’s “not stupid” to Canaan. This after she confused kilometers with miles and thought she was driving 120mph.

Up ahead at the mat – Team Oreo checks in as Team #2! Looks like karma is on their side… so far.

Team BroMos, after much bitching back and forth, finally decide to give up and build – RIGHT before Team Trotters find their snowman! The Trotters are also kind enough to tell Team Bible Beaters (just arriving) to bring their coats. Aww – these guys are total moms.

Team Farm Boys finish their snowman…

And it’s first words are, “KILL ME!!! AHHHH!!! IT BURNS!!! @$%@*! KILL ME!!!!”

Team Bible Beaters decides to build a snowman because, as Mika says, “I can’t sled! I never done it!” She’s right. Had she gone to college things might be different.

Back in Egypt, Team Massholes is still completely lost. Meanwhile, Team Trotters check in.

Team BroMos argue while they build and Sam screams about the carrot, “Just put it in!!!” No comment. But I hope they wash that carrot.

Team Pokerface and Team BroMos both check in leaving Team Massholes, now building a snow man, to catch up to Team Bible Beaters to stay in the race.

But that doesn’t happen! And oddly, Team Massholes doesn’t really seem to give a shit. I think they’ve pretty much come to realize they’re checking in last and are chill about it. WOW. DID NOT see that coming!

They check in… and PHIL SAYS…. ELIMINATED!!! Aww! And unfortunately, just as they’re eliminated, they seem to become…more… likeable? OH GOD WHAT’S HAPPENED TO ME?!?!

I’m sad to lose team Massholes – but looking at the footage from next week – Mika throwing a tantrum at a waterslide with water wings on?! I think I have a new favorite team!!!

What did everyone think?! Slightly better from last week!? Sad to see Team Masshole go?! Wishing Canaan knocks Mika out and throws her down the slide?! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!