Amazing Race: Take My Life, Please!

Welcome back kids! Just to refresh – last week we learned that being a vegan-yoga-master means you can run a great race but you have to be bright enough to make it past the start. We also learned that a poker face may not be a pretty face especially if it’s in last place and finally, it takes cool tempers and a touch of Asperger’s not to get fucked by a duck. Why? Because this is… AMAZING RACE!

Couples start out in Vietnam with Team Farm Boys in the lead – with their luck, the next challenge will be a corn-shucking contest in Wisconsin. But first, the boat they’re all on heads out overnight and arrives in the morning to My Tho, Vietnam…

That’s what you get for waking up in… My Tho! Oh. Not really the same effect.

Team Farm Boys hops in a taxi and heads off to the “Water Dragon Puppet Theatre” in Ho Chi Minh City! I love that place.

Matt starts off by saying it irritates him when his Dad acts like a father figure.

Yeah – you totally look like you had a hardass father growing up. OR you’re the love child of Bret Michaels and Pink. Open your eyes, Dad. He’s not getting any prettier.

Team BroMos are the second team to head out and let us know that Sam is the laid back and calm one while Dan is the aggressive one. Well, at least we know who the top and bottom is in this relationship.

Team Trotters tells us that Big Flight lost his dad right before the race and he’s doing it for him. Awww – he’s a good guy. These two are the most likable basketball players I’ve ever seen.

Next off, Team Massholes! They both start out saying they’re the lions that will overtake the gazelles. Clearly. They immediately panic that they’re lost. “Roar” indeed.

Teams eventually figure out that they need to take a taxi to HCM City. Sam and Dan lose some ground while looking for one. You can tell these two are gonna be stress cases the whole time.

Lance says that it’s been like “being dropped off on Mars” because they don’t know where they are. Is it really that hard to get a map and ask someone to point to where you are? Where do they find these people?! For shit’s sake!!! He’s from the law office of Dipshitowitz and Meatheadenstein.

Canaan tells Mika that she’s gonna have to charm the dragon puppet. She says she’s gonna kiss it. I love the sexual tension. Hey oh!

Meanwhile, Marcy’s really taking the chance to take in all of Vietnam and think about the war and all the people that died there. Yikes. Debbie Downer over here.

Now, Marcy, why don’t you just relax and enjoy Vietnam! What’s the worst thing that could–

SARS!!!! RUN!!!! SAVE YOURSELVES!!!

Team Trotters arrive at the Water Dragon Puppet Theatre first and try to snatch their clues from the mouth of the dragons.

Famous last words.

And was anyone else wondering how the hell the puppets are working?! Are there Vietnamese scuba men under there?!

And what’s up with “The Really Happy Lucky Band So Good For You!”?

Big Time and Easy Flight end up grabbing the clue and find a bullet inside that holds a postage stamp in it. They must find the building on the postage stamp – which is the HCM City Main Post Office. I thought an added plus would’ve been for the clue to tell them they must wait and fire the bullet at the team behind them. But that’s just little ol’ me – looking for quality television.

Team Farm Boys arrive and Matt quickly grabs the clue from snapping dragon. Right behind them, Zev and Justin arrive and Justin gets drenched before finally grabbing it.

Team Trotters gets to the Post Office first (they’re really kicking ass this leg) and finds the DETOUR… “Child’s Play” or “Word Play”. In “Child’s Play” teams have to drag a fucking concrete animal around the city while getting balloons from all over. In “Word Play”, teams must identify (from a roof top) letters strapped to people’s heads down below and then unscramble them to spell the word “DOC LAP” which means “independence”. GOOD GOD I hope Team Masshole picks the word scramble!

Team Trotters uses their brains and chooses the detour that you don’t have to use your brain for. Good job boys!

Team Farm Boys try to run some of the distance to the Post Office and realize it’s too far. So they get another taxi. WTF? Farmers… always trying to save money. Meanwhile Team Pokerface is waiting for their Lincoln town car.

Team Trotters is REALLY bonding on this particular task…

They’re either talking to each other or talking to the sheep. Either way it’s about to get interesting.

Back at the dragons, Cheyne attempts the “Crouching Tiger” which proves to be both offensive and successful.

Team Pokerface arrives at the Dragon challenge and…

Tiffany says she was trying to flirt with the Dragon and give it the finger to entice it. Not EVERYTHING works like you do, Tiffany. And judging by the look on Maria’s face, you have work to do.

Most teams finally arrive at the dragon challenge and snatch their next clue. HOWEVER (and you’re just never going to believe this) Team Masshole doesn’t think to unscrew the bullet and have no idea what to make of this “clue”.

Meanwhile Marcy’s blowing her whistle at taxi’s like a friggin’ traffic cop – it works though. Girl can blow. Too bad Team BroMos don’t have a whistle.

Team Masshole finally figures out the clue is inside the bullet. Thank God because they were running around just giving the bullet to strangers and screaming at them. That could’ve gotten ugly.

Back at the Dragon challenge, Mika and Canaan, AKA Team Prude, decide to dance like morons to try and get the dragons to GIVE them the clue. SERIOUSLY?!

This is Vietnam, not Mardis Gras.

ALTHOUGH… Team Trotters spot a random whack job in the park and she’s… well…

I take it back Mika. I guess you were on to something.

Teams descend upon the Post Office and start choosing which detour to take. Zev and Justin decide upon “Child’s Play” and hop in a taxi. However, they get some random guy to hop in and tell them where to go…

“Chun is it? Hi Chun, I’m Justin and the guy I’m currently sitting on has a condition in which he totally loses his shit in socially awkward situations. You’re gonna wanna hold on to something and protect your face.”

Canaan finally grabs the clue from the Dragon while Brian and Ericka, currently in last, arrive. Brian grabs the clue in about 3 seconds. He’s used to a snapping dragon!

Team Trotters are WAY in front of everyone and Team Master Race is the closest behind them. Team Trotters get the next clue…

HAHAHAHAHA… Masshole’s head’s gonna spin around.

Teams must race to a busy intersection (photo above) where they find their next clue.

I love Marcy. She is slowly but surely going nuts. I think her meds are way off with all of the traveling. Her and Ron are on an elevator on the way to the “Word Play” detour and she just up and slaps him with the clue! Ron respond’s with a “What the fuck was that?!” And Marcy laughs.

The evolution of a domestic violence incident. She is SO Sally Fields in every Sally Fields movie.

After Ron sufficiently beats the crazy out of Marcy, they reach the top of the building and spot all of the letters. ALMOST. They think a “D” is an “O”. This is when being an oldie isn’t always a goodie.

Several teams arrive at the “Child’s Play” challenge and start pulling their animals. Team Pokerface breaks their dolly and Team BroMos come to their rescue! WOW. The girls say they’re so sweet but not to worry about them and to race on without them. WOW AGAIN. There is ALOT of mind-fucking going on right now!

Zev and Justin are doing fine until Zev loses control of their giraffe and it falls over, breaking its neck and ear!

“OW!!! MY @$%! NECK!!! YOU !@#%@! ASS BURGER!!!”

Meanwhile, Brian and Ericka decide upon a zebra. Then they hold hands and say, “Because it works for us.”

Oh I get it! It’s cause they look like a zebra. They should run around each other to confuse the other teams.

Team Master Race is still way ahead and takes yet another moment to kiss.

Gross. If Brian and Ericka make a zebra, these two make an albino polar bear.

Team Activia finally gets all of the letters and heads to unscramble.

Meanwhile, Masshole Lance stages his own “Le Ballon Rouge”.

“Je suis le douchebag.”

Marcy keeps telling Ron to calm down. She’s one of those people that freaks out and tells everyone else to calm down. I LOATHE that.

Team BroMos check their animal in and head towards the next clue while Team Pokerface is huffing and puffing their way still. Then they cry about not having a man to push it. Odd. I would’ve thought all of those hours at a poker table were great cardio.

There’s a lot of yelling and screaming towards the end of the “Child’s Play” detour and I’m honestly not sure exactly what’s going on. I’ll just say everyone seems really pissed at each other.

Except Brian and Ericka. Alright Team Oreo, we get it already.

Over at the “Word Play” challenge, Team Activia can’t figure out what the six letters mean or where they should be looking. And there’s no other teams doing the challenge to help. YIKES. I wonder if the 6 letters are F-U-C-K-E-D.

Up at the front, Team Trotters finds the next roadblock: Chop Shop! Teams must disassemble 2 VCR’s and put the remaining pieces in the correct piles. WHAT?! This is so random! Team Master Race arrives quickly behind them and joins in on the “fun”.

Team Farm Boys arrives and Matt jumps right in because he’s done this before. WHAT?! Is there a task this team hasn’t done before?! Where’s the shower challenge? Or the eating a vegetarian meal challenge?!

Team Trotters is whipping through the VCR’s. They finally get the destination of their pit stop: the “Reunification Palace”. This is a famous spot where a tank crashed through the gates and ended the Vietnam War. I can only hope the team’s mode of transportation for this is “Tank”.

Team Trotters can’t figure out where the hell the palace is so they follow Team Master Race and hope to beat them in a foot race when they get there. Team Farm Boys are close behind.

My favorite moment of the episode?

Maria gets out of the taxi and slams the door in Tiffany’s pa-pa-pa-pokerface! Awesome!

Tiffany then grabs a powertool at the challenge and swears she doesn’t know how to use it.

“I swear there’s not one in my nightstand!”

Team BroMos and Team Zebra head out. Dan is still having a hissy fit every 5 seconds. I swear Sam’s gonna smack him before the end of this leg.

Up ahead at the pit stop – it’s one of the best foot races I’ve seen on this show in a while! Team Master Race has a slight lead but Team Trotters burns them in the end to take the win! And they get a trip to Aruba! Wow. Team Farmer Boys are gonna shove their kayaks from the last leg up Phil’s ass when they check in.

Back at the VCR challenge, Pokerface Tiffany looks like she’s whooping Justin. One thing’s for sure, Team Activia and Team Massholes are gonna be in a race for last. One team’s oblivious and the other is obnoxious. It’s always awesome when one team member tells the other one, “I’M DONE WITH YOU!” Love it. Go Sox!

BTW, the real race this season is who’s gonna get smacked first, Marcy by Don? Or Lance by Keri. I’d have lost it on those two much sooner. Poor Don. He already looks SOOOO over her AND the race!

Team Farmer Boys, Team Zebra and Team BroMos all check in. The latter with a prance and a skip. Awww.

Team Massholes finally arrives at the detour and Lance just starts smashing away…

Monster smaaaash! VCR is like woman who makes me apologize! ARRRR!!!

Lance actually “tears” through the detour by smashing the shit out of everything and finishing in like 10 minutes. I guess brawn CAN really pay off on this. HOWEVER – Justin finishes right after them and they snatch a cab before Team Massholes – ZOINKS! This make Lance ANGRY!!! Lance turn green!

Team Pokerface and Team Prude both check in.

Back in Justin & Zev’s cab they— wait…

CHUN?! Justin yells at him to yell “faster” at the cab driver and Chun snaps back that he already did. This has to be the world’s most random carful of people. And Chun stole Justin’s eyebrows.

They arrive at the Palace just in time for a foot race with Team Masshole! Aaaaaand Justin and Zev beat them out! YEAH!!!

Phil asks Capt Masshole if he’s the most competitive person on the race, to which Lance replies, “Phil, I will wrestle you to the ground right now!” WTF does that have to do with anything!? MEATHEAD. We all know Phil would cut you with his sharp wit and chiseled features.

Finally, Team Activia checks in to the sound of sad trumpets and Phil eliminates them both. Thankfully, there isn’t any heart failure, but we do get to hear Marcy’s story about her dad being a general again.

Ron: “Oh shit. Not this @$%! story again.”

Anyways, her Dad was shot down in Vietnam. Awww… well at least they both have something in common now. Boom!

That’s it! What did everyone think?! Will anyone miss Sally Fields?! Does Masshole have the capacity to be as awesome as Lake from AR9?! Can Team Trotters continue to beat Team Master Race? Most importantly, will Chun be back next week?! Come on folks and DISH IT!