Welcome back everyone! Last week we learned that Nick & Starr made a pact with the devil and her name is Tina, Terence is needier than a 14 year-old girl in a first-time relationship with co-dependency issues, Kent was able to commit to Tina for 24 hours straight (one horrible day at a time), Frat guys can count but not plan ahead, Ryan and Starr won first place (Yeah!) and the Bee-Keepers got stung with a “You are eliminated from the race”. Place your bets for how long into this episode it’ll take Terence to cry – ladies and gents – it’s AMAZING RACE!!!
We start off with the teams still in Brazil. And look who’s throwing a pissy tantrum…
Terence! Who is making his girlfriend cry because he wants to be with her 24/7. Dear Terence, You just made millions of guys hate you right now. You ruin EVERYTHING.
Terence then leaves his crying girlfriend to “go to the bathroom.” Apparently that’s where he keeps his balls.
Teams are now off to Fortaleza, Brazil. I guess Brazil’s so big it needs 2 stops. Either that or it provides low production costs. Ding ding!
Nick and Starr are off first in a speeding taxi while Ken and Tina are close behind. Tina immediately starts conversing with the cab driver by adding “o’s” onto words. Ahhh… Spanish 101. Good thing they’re in a country that speaks PORTUGUESE.
Meanwhile, Terence and Sarah start off this leg with a kiss – making me – and I’m sure everyone else watching this – severely ill. Oh but wait – it gets better! Jackass hits his head on the back hatch of the cab and freaks out… Terence: “Don’t you see me bleeding?!” Sarah: “I do not see you bleeding.” Terence: “Well I AM. HMPH!”
It’s not blood leaking out. It’s his dignity.
After applying the alcohol swab Terence instructs her to “Kindly blow it.” What a gentleman. What’s next, “Swallow at your leisure?”
Mark and Bill feel like they have an advantage over the other couples because they don’t have to “go home with each other after this is all over”.
By the smile on Bill’s face and that sassy scarf of Mark’s – I’d have to say I’m surprised they’re not going home together. Bears!
Nick & Starr and Ken & Tina get to the airport to find there’s a late flight – and a much earlier flight. They work together to get on stand-by for the first one just as Terence & Sarah arrive.
Meanwhile, Toni & Dallas and Kelly & Christy are starting out. Dallas says he’s so proud of his Mom and he loves her. He says this on national TV with no hesitation. Millions of girls are swooning now – “Awww – he’s hot AND he loves his Mom!” Terence needs to take pointers from Dallas on how to score chicks.
Back at the airport…
The airline representative tells Terence he is NOT getting on that plane.
Meanwhile Sarah’s ripshit that the other teams didn’t “even say Hi” to them. Shit is GOING DOWN NOW. Luckily they end up getting on that flight and the armageddon of a snub is defused.
Anythony and Stephanie start off and head straight for a dilapidated cab.
I love how the guy writing the subtitles stays true to Anthony’s accent. Anthony then goes on to call the car a “beater – but a beater for a reason”. Ahhh… a real poet.
He then goes on to tell the cabbie what a piece of shit his car is. The cabbie gives a smirk back that pretty much says, “I’m dropping your dumb ass off in the middle of nowhere.”
The blondes are beginning to realize that this race isn’t going to be as easy as they thought. Apparently they thought it was the “Moderately Easy 5K Race”. They decide they just have to play harder, dirtier and meaner.
To which they immediately start a cheer. Yup – real dirty. Bitches be lethal.
Back at the airport things are getting all Janet Jackson – aka NASTY. Tina goes up to the Divorcees to tell them SHE got them to switch to a bigger plane so they could all make it (actually true) and the Divorcees thank her by pretending to smack her and tell her not to touch them after Tina walks away. In the Divorcees defense – it’s their term of endearment – just ask their ex-husbands.
Andrew & Dan and Aja & Ty are still scrambling. However Tina – now approaching martyr status – tells Ty that everyone will make it on the plane thanks to her – and that he “owes” her. OH SNAP! Sexual favor! Looks like Tina’s planning on getting even with Ken the Cheater.
Ty is my new hero. All in one breath he says “I don’t owe her (Tina) anything at all” and when Andrew & Dan approach he says, “I’m sorry to see you guys made it!” HAHAHAHA! He’s awesome – and the only one out of 22 people that seem to be honest.
The blondes – aka Southern Belles – are so happy that people are helping them along the way that they’re handing out candy. I know what you’re thinking, “Oh – you mean their boobs.” No – no. Actual candy. The boobs get whipped out later on.
Best part is they preface it with “AMERICAN” candy. Like, “Here’s some AMERICAN candy – because your candy is probably made from scrap metal by poor children with dirty hands.” You gotta love that these two are ambassadors for our country.
Everyone starts to arrive at the gate and then… D-R-A-M-A!!! It’s FANTASTIC. There is so much mental instability and emotion running rampant in this season. Basically Tina cuts to the front of the boarding line because she feels like she deserves it since she “got the airline to get them all on.” I gotta agree with her there – HOWEVER – she should have gotten her ass to the front earlier instead of power tripping her way late in the game.
Anyways, Cindy-Lou Who (Terrence) gets all sassy with Tina and tells her “no way”. Meanwhile her 8 foot tall husband stands behind Terrence and pretty much breathes “I will make you taste your own teeth” down his neck. And after all this pissiness?!!?
They MAKE OUT. Well… almost. But I bet this is the closest Ken’s been to a vagina in awhile.
After arriving in Fortalezza, the whole crew scrambles for a taxi – but not before getting lost trying to find the exit. Terrence and Sarah get a cab first because, as Sarah puts it, “All the guys had to carry their girl’s bags – except for us!” Congrats Sarah! You’re officially a lesbian!
Toni and Dallas are STILL getting along and STILL cute together. Seriously?! My mother and I would have already gotten into 6 arguments by now and that would’ve been before we left the Coliseum.
Meanwhile, this season’s dumbest couple, Anthony and Stephanie, can’t find another crappy cab – so they go for something better…
A cab that doesn’t work at all.
They finally give up and switch cabs while Anthony complains, “Everything in this country’s broken! These cabs all look like bumper cars!” If a cabbie doesn’t murder this guy before day’s end it will be a MIRACLE.
Meanwhile even the blondes got a cab and exclaimed “We were actually the smart ones!” I’m not sure what they mean by this other than A) I appreciate that even they are surprised they can be smart. and B) Maybe they’re just excited because they figured out how to open the door of a car.
Teams arrive at the clue box to find they have to race dune buggys to their next clue at a cafe called “Barraca D Manoel”. I’m totally bummed to find out that they’re not driving the dune buggy. We would’ve certainly gotten to see the blondes drive theirs into the ocean for a “short cut”.
Terrence and Sarah loved the ride and said “it began to rain and it was like God showering us with love”. Gross. I hope it was God taking a wizz.
And as if Sarah’s hair could’ve gotten any worse.
Five minutes after Anthony calls every car in South America a piece of shit – they’re crying about how impoverished the country looks. Ahhh perspective. But wait – jackass follows it with “If they learned how to fix a car they’d make it rich.” Ahh yes – all the third world needs is a couple of car mechanics and a Jiffy Lube and they’ll be just fine. I feel as if Anthony works in the US government.
Ty loses his cool for the first time when they fall behind because they couldn’t find the clue box. This would be the perfect time for Tina to come up and say “It was RIGHT THERE! You OWE me AGAIN!”
Once they arrive at the clue the teams find a “Detour”! They have to “Beach It” or “Dock It”. In “Beach It” teams have to travel by “bugres” to a beach where traditional Brazilian boats are waiting. Teams have to roll the boats on logs across the beach and into an inlet. Good times! Fuck THAT.
In “Docket”, Teams must go to to a shipyard where they’ll use a computer (the blondes are fucked – “OMG!!!! Does this thing have Facebook?!”) to find a code that will lead them on a hunt for the correct shipping container.
Most teams choose “Beach It” – except the Nerds who wet themselves over the chance to use a computer. And the only other team to “Docket”?!? The blondes!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Except… wait for it… they go the wrong way and end up at BEACH IT!!! I swear these two idiots will make it to the end just by having pure dumb luck.
The Nerds quickly locate their code in the computer at “Docket”, exclaiming “There’s just NO WAY you sit us down at a computer and we aren’t gonna tear it up!” Ok guys, you scrolled down the screen to find a number. Even the Blondes could’ve done that! (If they could find the computer first of course.)
Bill then gives us his “Yoda” impression. I’m guessing 99% of the viewing audience cringed during this. The 1% who didn’t are Bill’s online Dungeons and Dragons partners.
Back on the beach, even though they’re in first place, Terence is berating Sarah for not going fast enough because she started out the day with push-ups. The Divorcees hear this and comment that it reminds them of their ex-husbands. Well – at least there’s hope for Sarah.
Nick has Starr kiss their beach-helpers to get them to work faster in helping them. Way to go Nick – only took you 1.5 episodes to start whoring her out. She’ll have STD’s from around the world by the end – but they’ll have a million dollars to pay the medical bills. Even break.
Andrew and Dan arrive to “Beach It” and Dan immediately hops on the boat and waits for the Brazilian guys to push it.
If Dan listened carefully he would’ve learned how to say, “Are you fucking kidding me Cleopatra?! Get your fat ass OFF!!” in Portuguese.
Luckily Andrew arrives and tells him to do just that.
The Nerds have begun their search for the hidden shipping container but are beginning to realize that it’s much harder when you don’t have a Garmin.
Terence and Sarah finish “Beach It” first and find that they have to travel to “Parque de Vaquejada” to find their next clue. However – they completely miss the arrows to their pre-arranged taxis and head off in the wrong direction. WTF?!?! How do people always do this?! If I was on this show I wouldn’t go ANYWHERE without first looking for that yellow and red arrow sign!!!
On the other hand, Pimp Nick and Lady Starr follow the arrows and find the taxis. However the Divorcees stay on the beach and FREAK OUT that they can’t find the “container” in the “yard”. Yeah – they’re reading the directions from the other Detour. Awesome.
Back at the yard, the Nerds finally find their container and are off to the Parque.
Terence and Sarah, now halfway to Central America, still have not found a taxi. What’s dumber than that?!
The Divorcees digging in the sand to look for the “container”!!! HAHAHAHA! Thank God that little flag wasn’t in concrete! Morons!
Don’t worry though – Tina’s there to help them out…
“Lick this bitches! Keep diggin’ – the next pit stop is China!”
Ken then tries to get Tina to walk through some water to get to the taxis quicker. You would’ve thought she could walk ON the water after the martyrdom she portrayed at the airport.
Terence and Sarah? Still lost. And Terence says “Should we get an ice cream?” Seriously?!! Beat him, Sarah. No one will say a word. I promise.
Best part – the Nerds blow by them in their taxi and say “Oh! That was Terence and Sarah! I don’t think they needed us to stop.” Spectacular! Sarah says, “If one more team passes us by I’ll tear my hair out.” Finally she’s making sense now! Start over again!
And now – Tina and Ken blow by them! Love it! The camera guy taping them must’ve been laughing his ass off. Tina wanted to stop and help so she could hold it over their head – but Ken had ordered the taxi to keep going. Looks like Terence wasn’t a good enough kisser.
Terence starts flipping out and screaming. This show has become total schadenfreude for me! I giggle with glee as Terence comes undone in the middle of an intersection. Unfortunately Toni and Dallas ruin everything by stopping to tell them where to get the taxis. Damn do-gooders! At least they didn’t invite them into their taxi.
Terenece and Sarah then hike it to the taxis while Terence whines about Sarah loving him. UGH.
Back on the beach, Ty & Aja and the Southern Belles (blondes) are neck and neck. The Blondes are about to burst into tears while Ty & Aja pull ahead. You can tell the Blondes are getting close to making a “if the confederates had only won” comment. Why I declare! The Blondes finally finish and declare they’re “tough daredevils now!” Exactly.
The Divorcees finally decided to give up digging because “no one can find the container!” They still don’t get it – until 10 minutes later in the taxi!
Teams find their next clue at the Parque which tells them they have to read a 600 foot wall to find their next destination. The Nerds and Ken & Tina get there first – Tina and Bill scour the wall looking for the destination – and Bill (wisely so) gets the idea to just write EVERYTHING down and bring it back to have it checked. Tina (of course) immediately steals his idea. Best part – she’ll take all the credit for it. He OWES her!
Bill goes to the lil’ Brazilian guy and reads EVERY line of the wall to him. Finally he gets it right (or the Brazilian guy just gave it to him because Bill was ruining his chance at getting laid by one of the blondes) and the Nerds are off! The next stop is “Cidade da Crianca”.
Tina finally gets the clue and Ken is so excited he gives her a big ol’ hug:
Awww – it’s so sweet when she cringes and pushes him away. He’s lucky he didn’t get frost bite. Oh why did he ever cheat on her?!
The Nerds are cackling about winning this leg which only means they’ll fuck something up. Hubris! Sure enough – Tina and Ken speed up and blow by while the Nerds yell “Let the fat boys have one!” Yeah. FAT chance. Tina would rather go a day without telling people Ken cheated on her. (You’re welcome Tina.)
As all of the teams arrive, they all tell their taxi’s to wait (per their directions) – which can only mean one team’s gonna forget. Votes? Blondes or Divorcees?! HA – sure enough – the Divorcees! Knew it! Holy shit. When the Southern Belles start out-smarting you – it’s time to go back to clue-school.
Back at the checkpoint – Ken & Tina and the Nerds are in a footrace – it’s Snatchy Bitch & Cheatin’ Meathead followed by the Roly Poly’s – Roly Poly’s take the lead – Snatchy Bitch & Cheatin’ Meathead pull ahead and… and…it’s Snatchy Bitch & Cheatin’ Meathead by a nose to win it!!!
What do they win Phil!? An off-road vehicle! Perfect! Just the thing for Tina to drive through Ken’s house when they finally get that divorce!
Tina said that hearing they were team number one gave her hope again for their marriage. Ahh yes – running fast fixes serious marital problems every time!
After Terence and Sarah make-out/scream-at-each-other/make-out they join the other teams searching the wall.
Ok – BEST part of the episode: Nick goes up to Sarah and says “Let’s work together.” Sarah: OK. Nick: Wait – did you just get here? Sarah: Yes. Nick: Screw it. AND THEN HE DITCHES HER FOR ANOTHER PARTNER!!! HAHAHAHA!!! LOVE IT! Sarah is, of course, completely furious. AND he didn’t even say HI.
Nick: “OMG. If I get too close will my hair look like that too?! Split ends!!! EEEEK!!”
The Divorcees are 3rd to finish but still need to find a taxi. Luckily, Christy thinks to start praying to Jesus. Famine? Fuck it. War? Fuck it. I’m sure he’s right on finding you a taxi Christy.
One of the blondes (I can’t tell them apart) starts whining she can’t do it because she “can’t read Spanish.” Awww sweetie – you could have left out “Spanish” in that sentence. Then she declares, “I think it’s something on this wall!” OOOHHHH MYYYY GOD! BRILLIANT!
Meanwhile Terence & Sarah and Aja & Ty are in a foot race at the check point. Aja’s looking for the entrance when she sees them coming and yells, “OH HELLLLL NO!!!” HAHAHA! She’s gonna snap their necks.
The three teams – Terence & Sarah (3rd), Aja & Ty (4th) and Toni & Dallas (5th) all check in. Terence & Sarah give Toni & Dallas props for helping them out. Aww – I hope Dallas realize that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t fuck ‘em over in a heart beat!
Back at the wall Nick “swears to God” to Andrew that he’ll help him out. HA! Jokes on Andrew – Nick doesn’t believe in good sportsmanship – or God. So – GOTCHA! Nick then says “I’ll be right back!” and goes on to get the answer right – and takes off with Starr. What an ASSSS!!! LOVE IT!
Andrew’s back at the wall going “Waaaiiiit a minute – is he coming back?” Awww duped by the gay guy – your Frat’s gonna beat your ass Chubbers!
Beat like a red-headed step child.
The Divorcees finally figure out their taxi was waiting for them THE WHOLE TIME. Where the hell do they find these people?!?! Probably fresh out of Ivy leagues.
The Fat Frats finally get the destination off the wall and head off. The Blondes follow right behind and shout, “See! Girls from South Carolina are not stupid!” Well… that depends. Are you idiots from South Carolina?
Nick and Starr check in – team #6. It’s much easier to run fast without a conscious weighing you down.
Divorcees are #7 – which is amazing after the digfest at the beach.
The Blondes almost beat out the Fat Frats because their taxi driver helps them out. I hope that guy knows he’s only getting shitty American candy for helping them. And by that I mean their boobs.
Finally Anthony and Stephanie arrive last… and are ELIMINATED! UH OH! Wedding called off right!??! No?!?! They’re gonna pull through and forge ahead?! AHHH BOOO!!! You promised us! Lies.
Anthony’s just happy he has Stephanie, his family and his looks. Two outta three ain’t bad dipshit. Now get out in the world and fix up those cars!
And that’s it! What’d everyone think?!? This much drama and it was only episode 2?!? LOVE IT!!! Throw out your thoughts! Come on – DISH IT!!!