Amazing Race: Terence Even Makes Himself Gag

We’re back – fresh from a non-elimination round and a world record for TV episode containing the most uses of the word “babe”! Ladies and Gentlemen – it’s AMAZING RACE!

6 teams are left and Nick and Starr are out of the gate first. The first clue – head to Deshbandhu Apartments for their next clue. There they will meet an Indian slumlord who will refuse to fix the dishwasher in their apartment for 2 years. Sorry. That last part was all me.

BTW – I love how Nick looks like…

A total innocent, cutie while he talks about lying to all of the other teams to get ahead. Unlike the Divorcees who definitely look like “Don’t Trust a Word I Say”. Meanwhile, Starr is dressed like Terri Irwin.

Speaking of, the Divorcees take off second and then Toni & Dallas are right behind. I love straight-talking Toni. She heads towards the cabbie and says to Dallas, “Make sure this guy knows where the hell he’s going!” BAM! Momma on the war path.

Terence & Sarah are 4th to depart. Sarah says racing with a romantic partner “adds an extra level of complexity”. That’s fancy-speak for “my partner is a fucking toolbox full of tools that don’t work.” As they’re driving they observe an Indian family on a motorbike. As their cab honks at them Terence comments, “I’m not gonna watch us kill the happy family.” Fantastic. He’s all yours Sarah.

Meanwhile the Divorcees have the all-important discussion of who they would sleep with if they had to – Dan or Andrew. This is good timing since the first detour is most likely, “Fuck Dan” or “Fuck Andrew”. And no matter which one is chosen – everyone’s a loser.

The Fat Frats head out with Ken and Tina close behind.

Soon Nick and Starr arrive at the apartments to find a roadblock – “The Holi Festival” – as in “HOLI FUCKING SHIT WHAT A MESS.” In this Roadblock, teams must find an envelope that says “Amazing Race” amongst hundreds of identical-looking envelopes that say “Try Again”. Oh – and while they do this people pelt them with powdered dye and water. WTF? What is this – the official religion of Double Dare?

Starr manages to get in and out quick with the clue – she’s only mildly stained when she’s done. The clue reads that they must head to the Charity Birds Hospital to find their next clue.

Oh but wait! Before they have a chance to take off – BLITZ!

Some guy runs up and pelts Nick in the face with dye and just walks off! WTF?! Hmm… fishy. Can anyone say, “Paid off by production”?! And what’s Gael Garcia Bernal doing in India anyways?

And now it’s time for today’s special Divorcees-Moment…

The Divorcees drive through India and comment, “It’s not a nice area.” “Oh man it stinks.” And then gag. Fantastic.

Meanwhile, Dallas is getting nailed with dye at the “Holi Festival”. It seems they were a little friendlier to the pretty girl before him! But he makes it through quickly and he and Mom are off!

The Divorcees get to the Roadblock and Christy wisely and quickly says, “Can you do it?!” to Kelly.

Kelly goes from this… to that – in a matter of 15 seconds! LOL! It seems Karma is alive and well in India! If I was her partner I would’ve screwed with her when she got back and yelled, “This is no time for your minstrel act!”

The Divorcees are horrified at this “tradition” and Christy tells Kelly, “I’m sorry this one sucks.” BUT NOT SO SORRY THAT YOU MADE HER DO IT, HUH?!

Could it possibly get better?!? Here’s Terence and Sarah! IT CAN! BEST PART: Terence tries to get pumped up before going in and asks Sarah, “Who’s my girl?!” And she yells, “YOU ARE! I mean…wait…I AM!” AHHHH! LOVE IT! Freudian slip!

Then, in an AMAZING turn around, Terence actually beats Kelly to a correct envelope because Kelly and Christy STILL haven’t figured out that they need to get one that says “Amazing Race” and not “Try Again”! I guess every time the Divorcees have ever opened any bottle of soda they scream, “WE WON!” no matter what the cap reads.

Here comes Dan and Andrew! Oh please oh please let it be Dan they chose!!! OH PLEEEASE!!! And it’s DAN! YEAH!!!!! He likens it to a sausage-fest of guys with paint where the girls never show up. Right – I’m sure he’s never been in that situation minus the paint.

Back with Drama and Sarah in the cab…

“Terence! You’re turning Violet Terence!” Maybe if she gives him an Oompa-Loompa he’ll shut up about the dye.

Dan also finishes before the Divorcees – which is bittersweet. I wanted to see him get pelted more HOWEVER it makes the Divorcees even more frantic which is delightful. Kelly tries to run back in (to get yet another “Try Again” I’m sure) and falls on her face. AHHHH!!! This is the total and complete definition of “schadenfreude”.

Kelly! Stop clowning around! Hooo… that was a good one. I’m spent.

Kelly starts crying “I can’t do it! I can’t go on!” to which Christy yells “You can do it for a million dollars!” Bitch was ready to drag Kelly by her Rainbow Brite hair right on back in there! And then finally – they get it! (Damn)

Ken and Tina are next and (of course) Tina sends Ken marching into the madness. Just to give you all an idea of what these poor bastards are going through – here’s 2 shots of Ken:

He goes from “Pretty in Pink” to the “Incredible Hulk” in seconds! Although Bruce Banner would’ve smacked Tina by now for sure.

Meanwhile, the Divorcees flip the fuck out trying to find a cabbie that will let their candy colored asses in their cab.

Christy is LIVID and starts screaming at cabbies to STOP! Hmmm… she reminds me of someone else…

Yup. That’s it.

Ken and Tina complete the roadblock but not before Tina goes green:

If she were any greener Leonardo DiCaprio would ride her to work.

Back at the bird house Nick and Starr find their next clue in a bird cage – it’s a DETOUR! Bleary Eyed or Teary Eyed. Bleary Eyed: Teams follow tiny power lines in the sky to a guy who sews and then they plug in a blinking elephant. I shit you not. Teary Eyed: Teams must carry huge bags of chiles and then grind them into powder which will make them cry. At least Dan will finally have a good excuse.

Dallas and Toni recruit some kids to help them in the search for the hospital. Dallas is really sweet to the kids and makes Momma proud. These two are pretty much sealing the deal for my favorite team.

Back to Terence and Sarah – just a side note – if I made fun of them for every asshole thing they did I swear this recap would be endless. While in the taxi, Terence attempts to wash the dye out of his nose by pouring water up it.

Terence takes his daily dose of brain juice… to no avail.

Here are some fun quotes from their time at the bird hospital: Terence: “These birds are really messed up babe.” Sarah: “I know babe – it’s because it’s a bird hospital.” Terence: “I feel like the clue’s underneath the seeds (and all the bird shit)… do you want to go in there?” Sarah: “Like put my hands in it?” Terence: “Yeah.” There it is Ladies and Gentlemen – Terence just got his girlfriend infected with Avian Bird Flu.

“It puts the lotion in the basket! And then the bird flu in its mouth.”

Once they find the clue their off to the detour while Ken and Tina arrive to find a speed bump! Their speed bump is that they must serve holy water at a temple until everyone there has quenched their thirst. What?! This sounds like a task that’s difficult to ever complete. I guess this is their second chance though. And after a few death stares from Tina I’m sure people will flee.

By the way, now that all teams have completed the Holi Festival, they remind me of something…

They look like the arch enemies of the mascots from the Beijing Olympics.

Back to the detours – Nick/Starr, Dallas/Toni and the Divorcees are all following the power lines. Terence would have been great at this task since he grew up under power lines but they decided to do the spice challenge.

Nick and Starr figure out what they’re doing quickly but pretend they don’t know when Dallas and Toni ask about it. TREACHERY! It would have been funny if they did it to anyone else – but not sweet Dallas and Toni! (Of course in the interview afterwards, Nick and Starr BRAG about it! EW.)

Terence and Sarah arrive at “Teary Eyed” and (of course) Sarah carries the huge bags of chili peppers. Meanwhile, Ken and Tina frantically serve holy water as part of their speed bump.

The Divorcees are on a rickshaw to the detour but are falling behind thanks to their driver’s insistence that they learn about important landmarks:

And there’s American Starbuck’s to my left, American Call Centers over there on my right and American morons right here behind me.

I’m actually pretty impressed with Ken and Tina. Even though they’re completely behind, they’re being friendly to all of the holy water patrons and Tina’s even learning what to say when she serves it. WOW. WHAT is IN the holy water SHE’S drinking?!

Nick/Starr and Toni/Dallas are now working together on following the power lines. I love that Nick says, “God I’m glad you guys showed up – there was no way we could do this on our own!” Sly bastard. Never trust the cute ones.

Terence and Sarah start grinding the chili peppers. Terence: “Keep going babe!” He then immediately drops his pestle and starts to cough, cry and shit himself.

It turns out even the good karma Ken and Tina mustered from doing so well at the Holy water station can’t help them now. They’re stuck in shitty traffic and Tina is slowly turning from Jekyll back to Hyde. HOWEVER, they use ingenuity and hop out of the cab and like Moses, move all of the cars out of the way so their taxi can get through! Good thinking! WOW. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!

Thanks to working together (yeah feel-good teamwork!), Dallas/Toni and Nick/Starr complete the detour and head off to the PIT STOP – Humayun’s Tomb! Since Nick said Dallas & Toni were SO helpful I’m SURE he’ll let them win it if they arrive on the mat at the same time!!! Ugh. I hope Momma & Baby Bear whip their smarmy asses.

Back at chili grinding, Terence is having a slightly hard time…

On my last recap, several of you wondered what Terence might be like in bed – here’s a glimpse…

The Fat Frats arrive at the power lines and start looking while the Divorcees are right behind. The Divorcees stay in their taxi and just read random numbers off of street signs.

She holds the instructions in her hand but have these two ever READ the instructions of a challenge correctly?!!? EVER?!?! EVER?!!?!!?!?!? If Phil doesn’t greet them with a “Just how fucking stupid are you?!” at the mat I will be SORELY disappointed.

At the head of the race, Nick/Starr and Dallas/Toni battle through traffic to get to the pit stop. Toni’s Thought-of-the-Day: “That was just un-friggin-believable!” I love this woman.

The Fat Frat’s continue to fuck up the power lines while the Divorcees also get a thumbs down. Neither teams have figured that they’re doing it wrong. Best part is – if they don’t finish this before nightfall – they’re SCREWED.

Back at the Pit Stop – Nick and Starr come in first. BOOO!! DAMMIT! I really wanted Dallas and Toni to take this one. However I did enjoy that the “Indian Welcomer” at the mat was too busy watering the lawn to give a shit about their arrival. “Yeah yeah – welcome to India – I got shit to do or the wife’s gonna bitch.” He’ll be taking out the trash when the next team arrives.

Once Dallas/Toni check in as 2nd, Toni kids that she’ll “Kick Nick and Starr later.” Aww – it’s funny because she could totally kick BOTH of their asses.

Fat Frats fail the power line challenge the 2nd time around. And the Divorcees still have the clue in hand – but no fucking clue in their head.

The Fats offer to work with them and the Divorcees ask for a divorce before THAT marriage of teams even has a chance to start.

Terence and Sarah complete their spice-grinding and head off to the Pit Stop. Amazing that they’re ahead! Meanwhile Ken and Tina join the power line challenge, do it CORRECTLY and come up on the Divorcees while they’re having their numbers checked for the 3rd time…

Christy hides their numbers from Ken and Tina. She puts the “itch” in “Bitch”. And I say “itch” because she has enough dye up her hoo-hoo to color 60 Easter eggs.

Karma’s back – Ken and Tina’s numbers are CORRECT! For the first time ever I found myself routing for them and am happy to see them ahead of the evil twins and fat frats!

Soon afterwards the Divorcees figure it out but the Fat Frats don’t. UNTIL that is – Ken and Tina come along and take time to SHOW them how to find the right numbers!!! WHAT?!?!?!? Holi Shit! What was in that water that Tina drank?! Luckily she keeps it real and tells the Fat Frats, “YOU OWE US NOW!” That’s my girl!

Side note: The guy checking the numbers has to be the zaniest Amazing Race clue-person ever. He pushed Tina, glared at the Divorcees and put a newspaper on his head at one point. WTF?! He should be Phil’s new sidekick.

The Fat Frats beat the Divorcees out of the challenge and head off to the Pit Stop but the girls are close behind. Meanwhile Ken and Tina check in as Team #4! They’re really lovin’ each other now!

The Divorcees take time to make one more “Divorcee-Moment-of-the-Day” though! While in the taxi and looking at the new world around them, Christy comments, “I don’t know how anyone lives here. It’s quite miserable.” For them it’s the “Ew-I’d-Rather-Be-Shopping-In-America Race”.

The Fat Frats have it – Team #5! They beat the Divorcees who come in last and… are ELIMINATED! KARMA WINS IN THE END! And you want to know why I don’t feel bad at all?!? Kelly has the balls to cry, “Christy and I really enjoyed traveling all around and seeing places.” Hmmm… right. Anyways, I hope they catch it on film when the girls take a shiv to Starr’s kidneys on the way out.

And that’s it! WOW. This was seriously the best episode so far. I’m loving this season. What’s everyone thinking?! I love all of your comments so far – please keep them coming aaaand DISH IT!