Amazing Race: TEAM MASTER RACE! OH HELL NO!!!

This is it kids! The big finale! We’ve learned so much this season: never be a vegan on this show if you wanna make it past the start line, buying a $5 passport-holder might be worth it to win a million dollars, there’s nothing deadlier than a waterslide (especially if you’re dating someone willing to physically throw you down it), never trust gay brothers, never stand in front of a car driven by a female poker player and ALWAYS stay on Ms. America’s good side! Why? Cause otherwise she might just “beat yo ass” on “THE AMAZING RACE“!

We start the final leg in Prague where we left off. Team Master Race gets the clue first to “head to Las Vegas”. These two are so white I half expected them to look blankly at it and comment, “But we don’t speak Spanish. Is this in Brazil?”

Once in Las Vegas, they must find an Elvis impersonator in a chapel to find their next clue.

Meghan reveals the ingenious secret of their success.

Next off, Team BroMos head out and promise not to argue as much. Right after that they promised to stop kissing boys, stop using face moisturizer and stop plucking their eyebrows. I’m sure you catch my sarcasm here.

Last off is Team Oreo who is still PISSED at the BroMos for stealing their taxi. Uhh… did they talk to the Trotters?! They got the ol’ “sure we’ll work together – oh wait – just kidding!” from the BroMos! Treachery!

Team Oreo also hopes that Ms. America’s cracker-hatin’ mother gives Brian a good chance after watching this and seeing that they’re a normal couple. If anything, she should appreciate that her daughter found someone to pussy whip. Yeah – I said it.

Team Master Race and Team BroMo’s meet up at the airport and try to guess who the third team will be. You know Master Race is praying it’s Team Oreo and the BroMo’s are praying that whoever show’s up isn’t holding a gun and a vendetta.

Team Oreo shows up at the airport and, as expected, Team Master Race rejoices (Yeah! Less competition!) and Team BroMo’s…

Immediately guard their throats from Ms. America. I’d also suggest wearing a cup, garlic around the neck and throwing a weakened goat out in front of her for distraction.

All teams hop on the plane and head to Las Vegas. They’re all on the same playing field so this will truly be a test of the best team! The plane lands aaaaaand they’re off!

Everyone grabs a taxi and speeds down the Las Vegas strip. Not even a little stop for $3 prime rib dinner?! Come on!

They all arrive at the chapel where there’s a couple waiting to be married. There’s also, of course, an Elvis impersonator singing “Amazing Grace”. Not really sure how this is a wedding appropriate song, but they all join in and sing:

Brian with his arm around Dan’s shoulder?! I did NOT see this coming! Wait… where’s the other hand?!? This is out of control!

The lovefest ends right about the same time Elvis starts handing out the clues. No – EXACTLY at the time Elvis hands out the clues! I watched it in slo-mo because it’s pretty funny/symbolic. Meghan and Sam grab the first clue at the same time. Sam slowly pulls it out of Meghan’s hand and she just smiles and let’s him. The 2nd clue comes out and Ms. America, Meghan and Cheyne grab it at the same time and Cheyne thinks, “NOT AGAIN.” and rips it out of their hands. Finally Ms. America gets the 3rd clue. And that pretty much sums up the relationship between the final 3.

Most importantly, no one congratulated these two on their marriage (I give it 2 weeks) or complimented the bride’s gown (static cling + white nightie = tragedy).

No – wait – Ms. America yells as they exit, “Have a happy life! Marriage is wonderful! Just don’t race each other!” HAHAHA LOVE IT. Race each other.

Teams are given instructions to head to Mandalay Bay. Teams then tell their cabbies to “drive over curbs” and back out in front of everyone and anyone. This is gonna end with several lawsuits.

Sam starts bitching that Meghan tried to grab the clue from him. Silly Sam. Doesn’t he know that some of us poor bastards have super slow replay? LIES!

Team Oreo arrives first (YEAH! They’re my fav at this point). And they find a Road Block: Face-First Rappel down the side of the hotel!!! WTF!!! That’s AWESOME!

Dear Mika, These are the times I really miss you. bBitz

Brian is super happy because he’s scared of heights (pussy) and Ms. America’s gonna take the 600 ft plunge. She’s all “I am FEARLESS! BRING IT!” Ahhh love her.

Team Master Race arrives and Cheyne decides to do it! OMG! CHEYNE?! Are you sure?! Because there’s probably a much easier one left to do. Let Meghan take this one. You know how she loves a challenge. And saving your ass.

Hey Ms. America, How many times a day do you think your mother will remind your boyfriend of the time he sent you down the side of a 600ft building?

Ya got that right.

No worries though. This is the creepy look Brian’s giving Meghan down below. Treachery!

Ms. America has a great head start, Cheyne is behind her and the BroMos are still trying to get to the hotel.

Meanwhile Cheyne’s yet to open his eyes. Come on Cheyne! Just because that’s how Meghan gets through this relationship doesn’t mean it’ll work on this.

The BroMos finally arrive and Sam takes the challenge. Uh oh. He wasn’t so hot on the last ropes challenge. Let’s hope he goes down better than up. HEY OH.

Meanwhile, Ms. America finishes and gets her clue! Go girl! The clue says to head to the “Mirage”. I hope the challenge is pure Vegas: Sit at a card table and slowly bet your life away until the cigarette smoke stains your eyeballs and what was once your soul has been replaced with free, cheap liquor. Aaaaaand go!

Meanwhile, Cheyne is doing about as well as we expected…

Kids in Room #4240: Mommy, why’s there a useless douchebag hanging outside our window?

Sam starts down the side of the building while Team Oreo races off to the Mirage. Ms. America is ECSTATIC about their lead but Brian’s nervous to gloat. Too late. Ms. America’s about 2 seconds away from a “head out of the top of the limo and screaming down the Vegas strip” moment.

And WTF is this?! The challenge was to “walk” down – not be “lowered” down!!! Make him do it again! If this doesn’t represent his entire race, thus far, I don’t know what does.

On the bright side, he swings into the building a few times and smashes his head.

I’ll take “Something Said at the Bromo’s Last Key Party” for $1000, Alex,

Sam does a good job of catching up to Captain Useless but he still finishes first. Sam whips down the building though (good for him!) and finishes. Dan jumps for joy at his brother’s speed but I doubt he’ll remember this 5 minutes from now when he starts yelling. Now they’re all off to the Mirage.

Team Oreo arrives first to find out it’s gonna be a “Beatles” challenge at the “Love” show. Cue commercial for “Love” aaaand back to the race. Teams have to launch each other across the stage to grab flowers for their next clue. This would’ve been MUCH more interesting if they had to launch OTHER teams across the stage. Dan would be picking pieces of ceiling out of his skull.

Of course Brian volunteers Ms. America again. Thanksgiving’s gonna be reeeeaaal awkward at her mother’s house next year. “You LAUNCHED my daughter across a stage AS WELL?! OH HELL NO.”

This is how every bride should get her bouquet.

Ms. America does a good job of keeping Brian in line as he stresses out. I have a feeling this happens often. He starts to get carried away and I think she’s afraid he’s gonna launch her over into Treasure Island.

All teams arrive and Team Master Race catches up quickly. Meghan’s height seems to help her out and – oh – yup – there it is – she gets it on like the 3rd try! UGH! They’re SO LUCKY!

And then HELL rips open and spews forth all of its fury from the foaming mouth of our dear Ms. America…

“GET ME DOWN OR I WILL STRAP ON THE NEAREST FLOWER CHILD AND SKULL FUCK YOU WITH HER!!!!!!! ROOOOOAAAAAR!!!!!”

She’s PIIIIIIISSED! HAHAHA Love it! She wants Brian to do it because he’s taller. If Brian cries about his fear of heights I’m almost sure she’ll rip his arms straight off and use them to reach the flowers on her next jump.

Meanwhile, Team Master Race gets the clue to “Head towards the famous casino in the country of Monaco”. At the suggestion of a cabbie they head towards the Venetian. MORONS! Yes – the COUNTRY of Monaco is INSIDE the city of Venice. WTF?!

Back at the theatre, BroMos have now snatched their bouquet and Ms. America is brewing a Category 5 shit storm. She FREAKS out and starts screaming. Poor thing. She just watched their lead get blown. And she’s handing it so… well.

BroMos and Master Race are frantically trying to figure out the clue. Which is good news for Team Oreo because Ms. America has kind of lost it a little…

“I’LL EXECUTE EVERY MOTHERFUCKING LAST ONE OF YA!!!”

Up ahead, the BroMos call someone to ask about the clue and the random voice (which is SO a voiceover that was edited in later) tells them “The Monte Carlo”. They head out while Team Master Race is still screaming to random people outside their taxi for the answers. It’s like the most frantic episode of “Cash Cab” ever.

Ms. America FINALLY grabs the flowers and then berates Brian for celebrating. She is so awesome to watch from the safety of your own home. Luckily Brian knows the clue is “The Monte Carlo” right away. This just might have save his balls from complete detachment.

BroMos arrive at the challenge and find out that it’s to count $1 million dollars in poker chips. THAT’S IT?!!? THAT”S THE LAST CHALLENGE?!?! PHIL?!? REALLY?!?! I’m so disappointed. They could have at least done it underwater or laced the chips with anthrax for some drama.

Team Master Race wastes a whole lotta time at The Venetian and finally figure out that they need to head to the Monte Carlo. In the mean time, Team Oreo regains a 2nd place lead and arrives at the hotel. This means Brian gets ONE of his balls back. JUST ONE.

Team Oreo gets a head start while Team Master Race arrive shortly thereafter. Teams are now in a race of who can count the fastest and most accurately.

You know what’d be awesome? If they finally finish and realize that $1 million dollars was all of the chips on the table and they just had to turn them in. I’d die laughing.

This is pretty boring to watch although it looks like the BroMos might have their usual melt down. Come on boys! Pull through for the viewers!

Sam chooses the worst time to become afraid of the chips while Dan apparently has just completed 300 bicep curls. Seriously!?

To which Ms. America responds, “And then what TEAM MASTER RACE?!?!? HUH?! HUH?!?! WHACHU GONNA DO?!?! Oh…. you meant the chips. My bad. I’ll let you live now.”

I have this feeling there’s no way Team BroMos are gonna have a correct count. Dan is having a total meltdown and just keeps pushing chips over. All teams finish at about the same time but Team Master Race is the ONLY one with a correct total! They grab the clue and are off. Wow. I don’t know if I’d be happier to win the challenge or just get the hell out of that room before all hell breaks loose.

The clue is to head to the “MGM Grand” and get their next clue from this gentleman, who appears to have eaten Wayne Newton and dipped his face in plastic.

Next off, Team BroMos get the total correct and head out while Team Oreo looks completely broken. Ugh. This is always the saddest part of the season. Hope is brought out onto the playing field and slaughtered.

Team Master Race arrives and meets Wayne Newton in the most rushed “HiHowAreYouWheresTheFuckingFinishLine” exchange ever. He tells them it’s at his house but not exactly where and sends them on their way. I suppose it’s too much to ask that his house is on some remote island. Boy would that fuck with their heads!

BTW, what the F happened to Wayne Newton? He looks like the male version of Anna Nicole Smith.

The BroMos then arrive to the suite and quickly erase any bit of pride that Mr. Vegas left. THEY CAN’T THINK OF HIS NAME.

To which Wayne responds, “You’ll need to take this chip, shove it straight up your ass and the final pit stop is in Uganda. Best of Luck. Hurry along!”

Back at the poker tables, Team Oreo is drawing up divorce papers.

Team Master Race arrives to the Wayne Newton ranch first but has trouble finding the main entrance. Apparently he owns most of the state of Nevada. But soon, they find the entrance and make their way…

Through the Loser Gauntlet of people that wish them dead.

I think the final challenge should be something that they have to beat each of the previous teams at. That’d be fun. TAKE A NOTE PHIL. (SIDE NOTE: WHERE THE HELL WERE ERIC AND LISA?! OMG – Phil left them at the LA River!!!)

Phil then announces TEAM MASTER RACE AS THE OFFICIAL WINNERS! I’m happy for them – they were always kind to each other at least. But if Meghan doesn’t turn to that wet rag and tell him she’s getting 80% she’s out of her fucking mind.

Then Team BroMos finally make their appearance…

Team BroMos officially check in as Team #2 and seem happy about it. They have a nice loverly brotherly moment. It’s too bad they’ll all be murdered by Ms. America just moments from now.

Team Oreo then arrives and checks in as Team #3. They mock surprise that they’ve lost and it’s actually cute. Then Ms. America says the sweetest things about Brian and we all have a good cry.

As we say goodbye, Team Master Race leaves us with the thought that the money isn’t the most important thing. It’s about love. Awwww. Fuck you people. I kid, I kid!

I’d like to thank everyone for reading and their comments this season! It made a mediocre season almost bearable!

Cheers and Happy Holidays everyone!   bBitz