Amazing Race: The “Bitch” Heard ‘Round the World!!

Welcome back everyone! Last week we learned that Mai Thai Trannies sing in the key of “B-Flat” while Jaime sings in the key of “B-itch”, the dental program of Thailand thrives on reality show competitions, and the Lil Guys are apparently the biggest rule-breakers the show has ever seen! Now – this week – let’s find out who really puts the “itch” in “BITCH!” (and I just signed that too!)… ladies and gentlemen… AMAZING RACE!!!

Margie and Luke are the first to depart Bangkok and head off to Guilin, China! There, they must find a salon to get their next clue. Thank God! Poor Margie could really use a cut and color. And you know Luke’s not passing up a chance for mani/pedi’s! EEEK!

Luke is happy to be in a country where people don’t speak english so that him and his Mom can be in “the same boat”. But once at the airport, Margie wheels and deals with the ticketing agents to get the best flight. My fav part? She’s all “And can you go to GONGJOW to here?” She totally pronounces “Guangzhou” with an angry Chinese accent! LOVE IT! It was out of nowhere – like when Giada De Laurentiis spits an Italian word out in the middle of a sentence.

Next off – Cara and Satan. They open up their info packet and when Jaime sees “China” she rolls her eyes and goes “UGGGHHH!!!” What a bitch. Seriously. Way to offend 1 out of every 5 people on earth. And where did she think she’d be going on Amazing Race?!? Bali, Rome and Paris?!! SHIT.

And when she holds her nose up at something? WATCH OUT. She can knock shit over! WOW.

I gotta feel for Cara though. She goes on to explain that she knows what a bitch Jaime is to the cab drivers but stays out of it so it doesn’t become worse. She’s like a mom that lets her kid act like an asshole because “Oh well. That’s just the way they are!” Ya know – sort of like the situation behind me on the airplane right now. Except I’m gonna cut the little fuckers behind me if they kick my seat one more time. Sidenote: If I have any fans in the midwest I just waved to you. bBitz at 30,000 feet – holla!

Next team – Tammy & Victor! Tammy’s excited because she’s been to China on spring break before. Wow – just like Cancun – except substitute Senor Frog’s with Panda Express. That’s all they have over there right? I don’t know – I’m just going by what Jaime told me. They’re also stoked because they’ll get to speak Chinese! Ahhh… from Jaime’s mouth to God’s ears.

At the airport Jaime employs the technique of “talking louder helps them understand me.” Margie & Luke get the first flight out and the girls & Tammy & Victor are close behind.

Jen and Kisha are next out. Jen says that she’s ready to knock people down if they get in her way. IF THERE’S A GOD THERE WILL BE A HUGE THROW DOWN BETWEEN HER AND JAIME AT SOME POINT. PLEEEEASE!

Next off – the unsinkable Lil Guys! They leave with high hopes they’ll be able to catch up from the approx 20 hours they’re behind. I’m surprised their footage isn’t actually a live feed.

Pretty soon teams start catching up to Margie and Luke in Guilin since the next flight out is delayed. Jen & Kisha (who were on a different flight) end up getting there first. Once everyone finally gets to the destination,Tammy & Victor take the lead and are ecstatic to speak Chinese. Does anyone else feel like either Tammy & Victor were chosen because they can speak Chinese or China was selected because of it? Seems a little suspect.

If the next destination is in the underworld, so that Jaime can speak in forked-tongue, I’m saying this show is rigged.

Luke is jealous because Tammy & Victor can speak the language of the country. He says he wants to go to a country where everyone’s deaf and signs. Hmmm… a country where no one listens and everyone talks with their hands? Keep your fingers crossed for Italy, Luke.

Kisha and Jen start talking again about laying the smack down. Uh oh. Trouble is totally brewing. Not to mention they keep reffering to “Qing Xiu Lu” as “Ching Chong Loo”. Wow. Apparently they took Chinese lessons from Rosie O’Donnell.

Meanwhile Tammy & Victor are learning that just because they understand the taxi driver doesn’t mean it helps when they understand “I have no fucking clue where I’m going.”

Unfortunately, Jaime and Cara make it to the hair salon first and get the clue that tells them to find the #24 bridge on the Lee River for their next clue. Gee – is it too much to hope for that the next clue will read “Jaime, throw yourself from this bridge.”?

Tammy & Victor come up right behind them and Cara & Jaime decide to then follow them because of their language skills. Jaime gives herself props for keeping the pace with people who speak the language.

Meanwhile the Lil Guys finally land in China. Finally! A country where they’ll be a normal size! Now if only the next destination was Lilliputia.

Someone gave this lady a heads up that Jaime was coming.

Kisha and Jen are still bent about Margie and Luke screwing them over with bad directions in Bangkok. To be honest – it’s all in the game – I would’ve done the same. They’re not on vacation together – they’re racing to a million dollar prize. So I say – cut a bitch!

SPEAKING OF “BITCH” – best moment this season! I’m sure you’re all well aware by now but let me describe to catch others up: Luke and Jen both go for the clue box in front of the salon (after standing there for 5 minutes COMPLETELY oblivious of it!) and Luke shoves Jen off when she tries to give him the reach around for a clue!

“Momma say knock you out! Huh!”

SO THEN Jen calls Luke a “BITCH!” WHAT?! I KNOW!! Not a “bastard”, not a “dick, not an “asshole”… a BITCH! Love it! And THEN…

She goes so far as signing “BITCH!” at him!!! OMG! BEST MOMENT EVER! She takes the time to SIGN to call him a bitch! How sweet of her!

Luke says that Jen pushed him to get a clue. Which, in watching this in slo-mo several times, she didn’t – she crowded him – but she didn’t push him. And then when Margie tells Luke that Jen called him a “bitch” – Luke gets PISSED! And signs…

Take a guess what this means in sign language. It’s either “Paper beats Rock” or “Luke beats Jen”. Either way, Margie’s looking FIERCE!!!

Luke says that if he had heard Jen call him a bitch, “It would have been ON!” Hmmm… is he the only one on earth unaware that she could snap him like a Slim Jim?

Neither is shoving your elbow in a lady’s face. And she was nice enough to sign it. Geez – no appreciation.

Translation: “I’m gonna snap and wave my fingers SO HARD at her!! OH HELL NO GIRL!!! MMM HMMM!!!”

Tammy & Victor get to the bridge first and find the next ROAD BLOCK: Cormorant Fishing. Teams must train a cormorant bird to retrieve a fish and drop it in a basket 10 times. WHAT?! That’s like “OK Sparky! Here’s a steak! Fetch it and give it back to me!” My dog would look at me like “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me.”

Tammy chooses to do it since I guess she speaks better Chinese. Either that or Victor prefers to sacrifice his sister to bird flu. I’m going with the latter.

Unfortunately, even though Cara is doing the Road Block, she needs to bring Jaime on the boat with her and Jaime IMMEDIATELY starts screaming at the boat driver to hurry up. I’ve watched EVERY episode of Amazing Race and I honestly don’t think there’s ever been a contestant I’ve disliked more. Really and truly. I sooo badly want them to place 2nd in the finale so I can watch her be crushed.

Meanwhile the Lil Guys are way behind and still looking for the salon. At least they’re being nice to people and not panicking.

And they even made friends with the Chinese “Laverne & Shirley”!

AND THEN THE SECOND BATTLE! Jen and Luke make a run for the clue box at the bridge and all hell breaks loose. Jen falls into the clue box with Luke on top of her and then pushes Luke away when he goes for a clue. Honestly – I can’t really tell who’s at fault this time. But I’d say they’re both assholes for fighting over a clue that clearly doesn’t matter who gets to it first.

Then Margie shows up and yells at the girls. Uh oh – Mama Bear’s getting pissed! Don’t let that puffy jacket disguise her ferocity! Ohhh boy – this is gonna get ugly – and not in a good way. Jen’s all proud about the fight and yell’s to Tammy & Victor about it. Who look back at her like “Ummm… we’re Asian – we don’t do awkward confrontation. Sooo… never talk to us again.”

OK – is it just me or is Victor actually kind of cute when he’s not whining or being an asshole? OMG. What’s wrong with me?! This is all because Kris got kicked off!

And then he says to Tammy, “When I think of smelly fish I think of you!” ZING! Now HE’S a “bitch”!!

Tammy’s having a rough time with the birds but Jaime actually seems to be getting the hang of it. She’s amazed that the birds almost swallow the fish but don’t eat it.

I’m sure it helped that she taught the birds what she did on her spring break.

Kisha thinks it’s funny because “Jen is used to “fowl” (foul) play.” I get it! It’s funny because she’s murdered people! Dear Luke, RUN. Best of luck, bBitz

I can’t BELIEVE that Jaime is laughing and practically enjoying this Road Block! I don’t get it – she gleefully yanks live fish out of a bird’s mouth and laughs about it – and yet when she sits in the back of a car she turns into Cuntzilla.

Lil Guys finally make it to the salon and must perform their Speed Bump: they must become hair stylists and wash & dry two chinese ladies’ hairdos.

“It puts the lotion on its body!”

Back at the Road Block, teams are doing pretty well fishing with the birds. Except Luke has yet another run in…

Does anyone else find it funny that the bite mark looks like a flying bird?

Poor Luke! That’s his good punching hand! How’s he suppose to beat Jen’s head in at the next clue box now?! It’s like God himself conspires against him.

Kisha & Jen finally get all of their fish while Cara & Jaime are close behind. They get their clues and learn that their next clue is at the “Ancient South Gate”. How ancient? Mel learned how to make fire there. Awww! Miss ya Mel!

Jen thinks Karma had something to do with the bird biting Luke. That can be true. If it were a man-sized condor would’ve swooped down and plucked Jaime’s head off. THAT’S Karma. Speaking of, Jaime notes that she’s proud their taxi driver for realizing they’re in a race so she must drive faster. I’d be proud of Jaime if she realized these people really shouldn’t give a fuck if she wins a million dollars or not.

Margie and Luke finally finish but Tammy’s having trouble because before she could get her last fish her birds away. And then I’m just pissed because the producers miss their chance to play “Free Bird” in the background. Get with it people!

Meanwhile, the Lil Guys show us how to “teabag it” in China.

The sad thing is that I’ve had tea in Chinese restaurants that tasted so bad I’m pretty sure this is how they made it.

Lil Guys finish their Speed Bump and head off to the Road Block. And up at the Road Block, Tammy and Victor finally finish because, as Victor says, “We’ve learned to support each other instead of attacking each other.” Wow. Did he skip that lesson in kindergarten or was it because he grew up in a house where if he spilt milk the reaction was “YOU DISHONOR YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!!!”?

Tammy & Victor rush off before Margie & Luke but not before yelling, “You guys drive slower!” to the other taxi drivers in Chinese. Treachery! Love it! I’m surprised he didn’t add, “And the kid with the bitten hand loves it when you push him and laugh!”

Kisha & Jen and Margie & Luke both bitch about the other team while they travel in their taxis, Yup. Phil’s got a category 5 shit storm headed his way !

Kisha & Jen arrive at the Ancient South Gate to find a Detour: Choreography or Calligraphy. In Choreography teams must perform a dance that they’ve learned in front of judges (oh Dandrew where art thou?!) while in Calligraphy teams must replicate Chinese characters at different stops to get their next clue. I wonder if Jaime will put an exclamation point after every single character.

Kisha & Jen choose calligraphy while Cara & Jaime choose dancing because Jaime says her handwriting is so bad she couldn’t even read her own notes. Well… that’s probably because they looked like this…

A page from Jaime’s school notes.

Tammy and Victor arrive at the Ancient South Gate area and frantically start looking for it. Gotta love that they have the Chinse-speaking in overdrive now. They’re even using it with each other. You know the producers on hand must’ve been like “Ugh. FUCK! This is gonna BLOW in editing!”

Margie & Luke choose calligraphy since Luke can’t hear the music. Good choice on that. And I have a feeling Margie will rock at the calligraphy. No reason in particular other than she’s rocked at every other challenge. If it wasn’t for the bungee jump at the beginning of the race I’d say she could’ve kicked ass all on her own.

Lil Guys are almost to the Road Block. Oy. Poor bastards. There’s no flippin’ way they’re catching up. Mark says, “You gotta have a little but of optimism to stay in this game.” Yeah. That and a time flux capacitor. Good luck making up that time!

They get to the clue about “fowl play” and Michael says “Ahhh yes – fowl is fish.” Aaaaaand they’re off to a great start!

Jaime and Cara begin to learn their dance. It’s going alright but I’m nervous for them.

We all know what happened the last time Jaime showed up to a dance….

All other teams are doing the calligraphy. Which is fantastic because the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Jaime and Cara seem to be learning the dance steps OK.

Cara even gets a chance to show the Chinese how to subdue Jaime when a cabbie gets them lost.

Jaime says the dance instructor really “man-handled” her while trying to teach her the steps. Either the instructor has a death wish, her day-job is “lion-tamer” or…  

“My name is Iniga Kaituya, I’ve been hired by your previous cabbies… prepare to die!”

Meanwhile the Lil Guys are working hard at the fish challenge to make up for lost time. Well, one of them is anyways – the other one? Well…

He’s comfy yelling from his kid-size Snuggie.

Back at the calligraphy challenge, Tammy and Victor are pulling ahead and speaking rapid-fire Chinese now. Suddenly I feel like I’m watching one of those crazy Japanese game shows. Yes – I know it’s 2 different cultures. I’m just saying I think they all look alike and talk the same. I KID I KID!

Kisha and Jen are taking advantage of Tammy & Victor’s language skills…

Exactly.

Meanwhile, Jaime and Cara aren’t having any luck completing the dancing challenge. Let’s just say…

This lady’s reaction to Jaime’s dancing, is going to cause…

Jaime to do this.

Case in point. Gee – she’s like a walking advertisement of America’s foreign policy.

Back at the calligraphy challenge, Tammy & Victor use the subtleties of the Chinese language to convey urgency…

Wow. They really know how to pull on a Chinese guy’s heartstrings. “WE WOULD BRING DISHONOR!!! THEY WILL DIE MANY TIMES!!!”

The Lil Guys finish the fishing challenge while Jaime and Cara still can’t get the dancing right. Cara wisely decides to get Jaime out of there before she guts the lady judge who can’t tell her what they’re doing wrong IN ENGLISH. They’re about to quit but decided to try one more time.

Tammy and Victor are the first team to finish the calligraphy challenge and start running towards the pitstop – Banyan Lake. The other teams are right behind them. FOOT RACE!!!

I love this scene. Somehow Phil’s little helpers are always less-than-concerned. Phil: “HERE THEY ARE! So… think maybe you could come back from lunch break and… uh… GET OFF YOUR ASS THIS IS FOR TV!!!”

Kisha and Jen pull ahead and win it! I would be PISSED if I was Victor! They were in the lead and Tammy couldn’t move her ass fast enough! I have a feeling we’re about to learn “I disown you as my sibling” in Chinese. If the prize is a trip to South Beach during White Party I think Victor might just kill her right there.

Sidenote: Does anyone else love how Phil says “Spar” instead of “Spa”?

And then… KAAAAABOOOOM!!! Ok – the funny part of this (cause then it gets ugly) is Phil asks about tension among the groups (clearly trying to get Kisha/Jen and Margie/Luke fired up) and Victor just smiles and says “Oh no – it’s all just good spirited fun and competition!” This is immediately followed by an “OH HELL NO” from either side of him!

Luke starts flipping out and accuses Jen of pushing him. Now, I personally believe (and could be wrong) that Kisha and Jen laugh at him because he’s so pissed and flipping out (and I don’t think that Jen did anything wrong before) but Margie, being a protective Mom, accuses them of laughing because he’s deaf and signing. Phil tries to calm her down but she pretty much goes off on them AND tells the girls they should know better because they’re black. EEEK! AAAAAAWKWARD! At this point, Tammy and Victor (still standing in the middle) are ready to dig a whole away from China and Phil zips it as to avoid CBS getting sued for just being there. And I’m ending it here because Margie just made me pee myself and I’m scared of her.

Speaking of fear – Jaime and Cara finally scare the judges into submission and come in as team #4. And then sadly…

The Lil Guys perform their last dance. “BTW, is that a jelly bean in your pocket?”

And then the Lil Guys are eliminated. Awwww… Sad to seem ‘em go. I hope they at least get a lollipop for trying.

So that’s it! What’d everyone think? I’m sure there’s lots of opinions out there on Luke vs. Jen! Let me hear ‘em! Come on folks – DISH IT!!!