Amazing Race: U Turned Me Off

Last week we learned that Kris and Amanda should never procreate, Tammy needs to buy a Garmin so she can beat Victor in the head with it and being old doesn’t mean you can’t be a contender on the race – just that you can’t win it. Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s AMAZING RACE!

Teams start off from Transylvania. After a restful evening of sleeping in coffins and sucking blood out of virgins (this would have been a PERFECT spot for a Tina joke – GOD I MISS HER!), Mel and Mike are the first to leave for Siberia! Their next stop is a Hydroelectric Dam…

AKA Where Russia has been hiding its nukes.

Mike says his dad is part “Woody Allen, part Billy Graham and a splash of Judy Garland.” Odd mix but it makes a great drink. You can also get the same flavor by mixing “1 Part Pedophile, 1 Part Zealot and a splash of Vicodin.”

Kris and Amanda then take off. And manage stupidity within the first minute of screen time. Not only does Kris say “Vamonos” to the cab driver but he then uses a mid-Western accent to say “We’re going to St. Peter, yeah?” Stay pretty, my dumb friend, stay pretty.

Kisha and Jen head out third. Kisha says the only thing she knows about Siberia is it has Siberian tigers. Mmm hmm…. Piss your sister off one more time and you’re gonna get a real close look at one.

Margie and Luke are 4th to leave while the Lil Guys are 5th. Christie and Jodi then head out. Their new “favorite cabbie” says he’s going to bring them to an internet cafe. Hopefully this was lost in translation and he’s bringing them to a Russian sex club.

The Cheerleaders head out and take a look at their clue. It’s Russian money with a picture of the dam they need to head to on it. Cara says “Pretty powerful beavers made that dam – I bet they were female!” Wow – I can’t write shit like that.

Apparently she thinks all vaginas can operate a crane and/or jackhammer. Nope. Just yours.

And then the MEANEST thing that I’ve ever seen on “Amazing Race” happens! The Lil Guys ask the cabbie to call Lufthansa airlines for them – he misunderstands and calls the Cheerleaders’ cabbbie instead. The girls answer the phone and then PRETEND TO BE LUFTHANSA TICKETING!!!

The moment that shall henceforth be known as, “The End of Innocence”

Lil’ Guys try and book tix to Bucharest but Cara tells them that there is only business class available. The cheerleaders then hang up the phone before they get any other ideas – like telling them there’s a height requirement for the airplanes.

Tammy & Victor are the last to leave thanks to Victor’s antics in the last leg. Tammy says “It’s weird to go from first to last in one day” and then laughs. The only way I’d laugh that off is if Victor’s nuts were a vice when I said it.

Christi and Jodi stop at the internet cafe to look for flights. They use their amazing powers from being Flight Attendants to book the best flight. They use such incredible powers as “finding the shortest flight” and “making sure connection times are good”. Oooohhh… Hopefully there’ll be “Coffee or Tea?” challenge they can kick ass at later on.

Teams begin to arrive at Bucharest Airport and look for flights through Russia to Serbia. They’re all flying to Moscow (on various flights) in order to get to the one connecting flight to Krasnoyasrk. (Side note: It’s hysterical to hear everyone to try and pronounce the name of this city – nobody gets it right!)

The Lil Guys, Jennifer & Kisha and Jodi & Christi arrive and head for the dam. Meanwhile the other 5 teams didn’t make their connections in Moscow and are stuck at the airport. Looks like karma took a bite out of the cheerleaders’ asses.

The 3 lead teams arrive and discover the dam doesn’t open until morning.

DAM IT!!!

By the way – if you’re wondering how the Lil Guys keep up to everyone else on the race…

They do STRETCHES!

Love it. I can’t wait for when they use tumbling and standing on each other’s shoulders for a challenge.

Once teams are inside they find a clue box that gives them Route Info to head to the Church Saint Innokenty. What?! I’m disappointed. No challege at the dam? I thought for sure they’d have to ride an exercise bike until they output as much energy as the dam. Or play “find the hidden nukes”. Or SOMETHING. Boo.

Once at the Church, teams get their challenge which is themed to “Keeping warm in Siberia”. Stack or Construct. In “Stack” they must stack firewood and in “Construct” they must build wood shutters for windows and install them on a house. So… Siberians keep warm with firewood and wood shutters? And they live right near a gigantic power plant?! Does anyone else see a problem here? SOMEONE’S not sharing the electricity.

Lil Guys go for “Stack” since they stack wood all of the time. So does everyone else. I guess that lady who needs her shutters done is shit outta luck.

Apparently another useful means of warming oneself in Siberia is dressing like you live in Guadalajara. Ole!

While the Lil Guys are running to the challenge one of them bites it:

You should have done your stretches!

The Flight Attd’s get to the wood first and are greeted by:

Yet another way Siberians keep warm. Getting HAMMERED. Too bad Brad wasn’t here for this one!

Kisha and Jen show up and start stackin’. Jen says “It’s like Jenga!” Kind of. Except when the stack falls in Jenga nobody gets crushed to death. Meanwhile Jen complains “This is a lot of freakin’ wood!” THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!! Sorry. I get one of those per recap.

Lil Guys finally arrive – they got lost finding it. It’s now a race to see who can work their wood the best. WHAT?!

Meanwhile the other teams arrive at the airport and they all race off to the dam. It’s getting heated too because these teams are way behind and one of them may be elimnated.

Back at the wood piles, we learn that stacking wood is an event to get tossed at and:

  

Siberians don’t believe in bras.

Whether is was poor stacking or this lady’s jugs bouncing up and down – the Lil Guy’s pile falls over and knocks down the one behind it. This starts some Lil Guy bickering. Which I’m kind of excited about just because I want to hear one of them say “DON’T GET SHORT WITH ME!”

The FA’s (Flight Attendants) remark “Mark and Mike just got beat by girls”. You gotta love self-inflicted sexism. Lil Guys decide to give up and run to the other challenge. I love how they knock over the stack that was already there and peace out. Fuck you very much, friendly Siberians!

The second group of teams finally arrive at the dam and get their next clue. While the Lil Guys search for the house in need of shutter, Kisha and Jen beat the FA’s in wood stacking. Kisha & Jen get the next clue: Find the museum of the novel, “The Last Bow” and enter through the marked door. They’re in the lead but maybe not for long – Jen pronounces “Bow” as in “Bow Wow Wow”. Hopefully they’ll figure it out when there’s no clue at the local dog pound.

Phil takes this chance to tell us about a new “Blind U-Turn” on this season. Teams can send a team behind them back to complete the other challenge and do so anonymously! Oh snap. You better believe if someone Blind U-Turned me I’d be crackin’ skulls to find out who did it. And on the other hand, I’d be so afraid to Blind U-Turn Kisha & Jen. You know they’d be throwing shit down if someone did it to them. “Giiiirl hold my earrings!”

Back at the wood stack, the Siberian judge shows the FA’s the final way they keep warm:

Guy: “Hallo lahdeez – How about I show you last piece of wood to stack?” Jodi: “Christi, can you give me the ‘ape-ray istle-whay”?”

Kisha & Jen decide NOT to U-turn anyone since they’re way ahead. They discover their next clue is to head to the “Bobrovy Log Park” amusement park. Oooohhh! Siberia’s Disney World! But instead of Space Mountain you chop wood until your fingers bleed.

The FA’s are right behind them and also choose NOT to U-Turn.

The other teams arrive at the challenge and everyone chooses to “STACK”! Mike’s first reaction: “This is a BITCH!” Love his frankness.

OOOHHH!! The challenge at the park is so fun! They have to ride a bobsled and come in under 4 minutes while memorizing letters along the way. Well – I think it’s fun… but Kisha…

Not so much.

Kisha flies through the course and makes it in under 4 minutes BUT… See if you can tell by the before and after shots of Jen if Kisha found all 7 letters on the run:

Yeah… so that’s a “Oh helllll no.”

Back at the “Stackin’”, Mike and Mel are burning through and the rest of the teams are bickering with each other and gossiping about other teams. The Cheerleaders are pissed that Amanda doesn’t do shit while Kris stacks everything. Which translates to: The cheerleaders wanna bang Kris.

The Lil Guys are still wandering around the town looking for the house to repair and head back to base to start looking again. They’ve really screwed themselves out of the lead.

Christi finishes the bob sled on time, with the right amount of letters, but then has no idea how to unscramble them and form the name of a famous Russian playwright. SERIOUSLY?! He’s like the ONLY Russian playwright to be famous enough to be an “Amazing Race” clue. Ugh. Apparently she only knows what you can read out of a US Weekly on a dead head from JFK to ATL.

Things at the wood pile are getting tense. Amanda does ZERO physical labor but bitches at Kris to stack correctly. I think if the pile “accidently” falls and crushes Amanda no one would blame Kris.

Mel and Mike are ALMOST done when their pile FALLS OVER. THe WHOLE thing. FUUUUCK. I like how Mel is concerned for Mike as he flees though:

Sorry Kiddo! I got a fragile hip to protect!

Which is no better than Jaime, who throws a fit when Jaime knocks a part of theirs over. She hurls a piece of wood and screams “DAMN IT!!!!” LOL. Amazing Race = Schadenfraude.

And then Kris’ pile falls and Amanda screams “Kris NO!!” Kris should totally turn to her and say “Well I guess I fucked MY pile up. Good luck with YOUR pile. Get started!”

Lil Guys finally give up looking for the house and go back to the shop to build the shutters. Meanwhile the guy in the shop keeps looking like:

Who are you people?! Why are you in my shop?! Am I in Oz?! Can I have a lollipop?

At the Bobsled, Kisha finally gets the last letter but she has no clue what the scrambled name is either. In her words, “I don’t know nothin’ about no Russian.” I’ve never seen a triple negative used in a sentence and now is certainly not the time to fuck up your spelling skills, Kisha.

Margie and Luke are the first (in the 2nd group) to finish stacking their wood. Kris & Amanda ditch the wood and head off for shutters behind Mel and Mike who decide the same thing. Meanwhile Tammy & Victor also finish stacking the wood and race Margie & Luke to the U-Turn!

Margie & Luke make it to the U-Turn… AND PROMPTLY FLUSH ANY GOODWILL TOWARDS THEM. They Blind U-Turn Kris & Amanda!!! Of course they say “it’s a game” and they’re “doing it to help Jaime & Cara”. Amanda’s gonna be PISSED. Good thing Luke won’t be able to hear all of the shit she’ll be talking!

Tammy and Victor arrive at the U-Turn and are ecstatic that it’s NOT them and that it IS Amanda & Kris. They also take a moment to be thankful for their stack not falling – saying it’s “Asian Engineering”. Uhhh… what? Did you never own a piece of shit Taiwanese children’s toy made with Chinese lead as a child? I think you mean “Japanese”. Let’s be specific when using stereotypes people!

Back at the Bobsled challenge, Kisha GUESSES the right arrangement of letters to spell Chekhov! She said it’s because she was familiar with Russian phrases that had “Chek” and “hov” in them. WHAT?! Riiiiight. Meanwhile, Christie is still stumped.

BTW – I love how it’s obvious the Amazing Race producers asked the “Chekhov” judge to dress in traditional Siberian garments and then she was clearly like “Fuck this I’m cold” and put on her Columbia jacket.

Kisha & Jen, now in first, receive their next clue – head to the PIT STOP: Krasnoyarsk Theater. Shortly after, by yet another miracle, Christie guesses the right name and they’re off. But not before Christie says, “I wanted to look brilliant.” And then we all had a good laugh.

Mel & Mike arrive at the shutter challenge and strike a deal with the Lil Guys to work together. Meanwhile at the Bobsled challenge, Luke and Victor hop on the sleds and head off. Victor starts panicking while looking for the letters while Luke…

Takes a more chill approach and grooves while sleddin’. Apparently his conscience over the U-Turn doesn’t EXACTLY bother him.

Back at the wood shop:

Lurch still wants to know what the fuck is going on and WTF Siegfried and Roy are doing here now.

Up ahead at the pit stop – it’s a race between the FA’s and the Sisters – the Sisters go to the wrong entrance of the theatre and the FA’s sweep in to grab FIRST PLACE. UGH. Damn it. I wanted the sisters to take it! They both win a motorcycle. HAHAHAHAA. So much for a fancy trip! What the fuck are they gonna do with motorcycles? I guess their WT boyfriend’s will get a nice Christmas present.

Victor finishes the Bobsled and gets “Chekhov” right away. Of course he has to add “Who doesn’t know who Chekhov is?!” Ew. It’s my job to be snarky Victor – it’s your job to fuck up. Back off. Anyways, I hope he brings this up over dinner with the Sisters and FA’s.

Luke finishes the bobsled but has trouble with the puzzle:

Leave it to the kid who’s hard to understand to bitch about a language being hard to understand.

He then makes the worst combination of letters. “COEHKVH”?! Love it! The judge lady looks at him like “Really? Seriously? How the fuck would you even pronounce that?”

Luke keeps repeating the same thing over and over:

He’s a regular super sleuth.

Back at the shutter challenge – 3 teams are working together to get nothing accomplished. No one really has their shutters fully made and no one knows where the hell the house is that needs them. They’re like the worst fix-it crew ever. AKA the people my landlord hires. Oh – actually Mike puts it best – “A Caravan of Idiots”!

The cheerleaders finally finish building their wood stack and cheer “With no help from boys!” for the 5th time. WE GET IT ALREADY. You’re lesbians. Over it.

And then the best part of this episode happens! Mel is frustrated that their group can’t find the house and says, “How can 4 smart guys and the rest of us, not be able to figure this out?!” 4 smart guys = Him, Mike and the Lil Guys. The remaining? Kris and Amanda. HAHAHAHA. It’s funny because it’s true. Kris and Amanda ARE NOT smart. Good job Mel. You could have also said, “How could those two fucking idiots and the rest of us…”

BTW – the house they’re looking for is 20 yards away. Mel’s the first to spot it and happily exclaims, “OH (EXPLETIVE)!”

Way to be the oldest contestant to get bleeped out, Mel! You’re my f@cking hero!

Luke is STILL trying every word combo possible until he FINALLY guesses it right! I bet he’ll never forget “Chekhov” now. As they leave the challenge, the cheerleaders arrive. The girls have to decide who does the challenge and they have a discussion as to who is the best reader. WHAT? Cara immediately says “You’re the best reader!” to Jaime. WOW. I love that she already knows she’s the dumber one of the two.

“I think you smart but me pretty but you make words good in your head so i stay here and put on make up and you make win good, ok?”

Back at the shutter challenge things are getting stranger and stranger.

Let me get this straight. They’re putting brightly colored, Dutch-looking shutters on a shit house that looks like it was made 10 minutes ago by set production and this lady, dressed to look like she’s serving me at El Torito, lives there? Fantastic.

Mel & Mike finish first and then the LIl Guys…

WAIT A MINUTE! Who the fuck is this lady?! Esmerelda’s sister?! And do these two have any mute colors?! What the fuck do they wear to an interview?! And are they together? If they are, they’re the most colorfully dressed lesbians not wearing plaid EVER.

Kris and Amanda are the last ones to finish the shutters. Ironically the team ALREADY in last place is the team that’s going to be U-Turned. Way to kick them when they’re down Margie and Luke! When Amanda & Kris get to the U-Turn I expect fireworks, outrage and Kris to snap and donkey punch Amanda – BUT NOTHING!!! They just call it “Shady”, whine a little and turn around. WHAT!?! BOO!

Back at the bobsled, it turns out Jaime IS great at reading – well not really – but she’s great at GUESSING Chekhov’s name – ON THE FIRST TRY!!! They head off as Mike & Mel and the Lil Guys arrive. Meanwhile Margie & Luke check in behind Tammy & Victor.

Kris & Amanda finish their other challege (stacking wood) but through the magic of editing it only looks like they’re close behind. Lil Guys keep fucking up the bobsled challenge because they’re missing a letter. I hope one of the letters is just above their eye-line. Meanwhile Mel is about to break yet another hip on the bobsled.

Do these two remind anyone else of Asterix & Obelix?!

Kris and Amanda are finally off to the bobsled. On their way they discuss who they think fucked them over. Best part – Amanda: “Well, ya know, Margie and Luke probably felt so bad too” (about them getting U-Turned). HAHAHA. NOT SO MUCH.

A “shrug” in sign language means “I care not for your demise.”

Mel & Mike head off to the pit stop but not before Mel yells, “Is he still behind me?!? The little guy?!?”

YES!!! HE IS!!!! AND HE’S PISSED YOU STOLE HIS POT O’ GOLD!!

But seriously folks, he’s not. Laziest leprechaun ever.

Kris and Amanda are still in the car whining about wanting to stay in the race. The Lil Guys seem to be just in front of them but I’m almost sure it’s editing treachery.

Mike & Mel check in as team #6 while Kris is back trying to figure out the name jumble. NO WAY IN HELL IS THIS GUY GETTING “CHEKHOV”!!!! HOWEVER – he gets it on a guess. Best part is that it grows significantly darker as he throws the letters in. I’m guessing that about 4 hours to 4 weeks passed as he tried to spell the name. Luckily Amanda remained consistently useless throughout the whole time.

UH OH! LIL GUYS ran out of money to pay the cabbie and start trying to pay with whatever they have. Mark offers up his shitty Casio to which the cab driver then shows his Rolex. WHOA. How many fucking rubbles do cabbies make in Russia?! They also resort to offering their Children’s Place jackets to the giant cabbie. No dice.

Finally a Russian “reach around” does the trick.

And they go on to snatch the last safe spot! After a delightful montage of dancing from the theatre (to show the passing of roughly 3 months) Kris and Amanda show up on the mat. BTW – Those dancers must have had sores the size of pancakes on their feet from dancing so fucking long. I’m surprised one of them didn’t make Amanda eat his borscht to make her pay for taking so damn long.

They check in and… OH! ELIMINATED!!! Still no non-elimination! Amanda closes by saying “I’ll be with Kris for the rest of my life.” To which Kris then beats himself to death with a bottle of Stoli. He likes to keep the theme going. Sweet guy. HOT. (Just had to add that one last time)

So that’s it! What did everyone think of this episode?! It was kind of long, huh? Will Margie and Luke get their comeuppance?!? Will the Lil Guys finally bite it (knee-high or lower) DISH IT!!!!