Amazing Race: Warning: Possible Shrinkage

Hey everyone! Sorry for the delay – little thing called “tonsillitis” and “the flu” hit the bBitz household this week and left wreckage. Good times. It could’ve been worse though. We could’ve been forced to go down a FRGGIN’ WATER SLIDE. That shit’s criminal. Luckily Phil got away with it though. Why? Cause it’s AMAZING RACE!

We start off with 6 teams remaining and Team Master Race still in first after 3 legs. UGH! Get a room! Teams are taking off from the beautiful Palm Jumeirah…

Also known as the “French Tickler of the Middle East”.

Team Master Race gets the first clue: proceed to Amsterdam!!! Nice! But damn it! It’s always the last team that’s eliminated that I want to be there for the next leg, ie. Team Bible Beaters going to one of the most liberal places on earth!

Hold up. Seriously? Unless you’re directing a French film circa 1940 – you are the gayest wannabe Gucci model I’ve ever seen.

Team Master Race reaches the airport and finds that the next flight out isn’t until midnight – which means all of the other teams will catch up – which means the producers bought out all the earlier flights to Amsterdam. Which is fine – this was about to get real boring with these two in the lead constantly.

Team Pokerface leaves second (who would’ve thought?!).

Umm Maria? Maybe you’d like to share some of your hair and make-up shit with Tiffany? How shall I put this… SHE LOOKS LIKE DEATH.

Team BroMos is off next and excited to go to Amsterdam. Dan comments that he’s street smart while Sam’s book smart. You ever notice that stupid people call themselves street smart? Seriously. Think of one person you know who’s been labeled “street smart” and is actually smart in any way. Yeah. Thought not.

Next off, Team Oreo heads out while Ms. America ponders if she’s becoming a nagging wife. I think this is one of those things where, if you have to ask, it started happening about 6 months ago.

In 5th place, Team Farm Boys takes off and Pappy is actually “stoked” when he finds out they’re going to Amsterdam!

Cabbie: “Uhh… The Bitch? The “bitch” is bizzack?! Ohh! Elton John!”

Teams all gather at the airport to wait for the next flight and Team Bromos decides to share their secret…

“We given you all swine flu. Good luck!”

Just kidding! But…

But seriously, they come out and tell everyone they’re gay. (NOOOO!!! REALLY?!!)

Ms. America’s first reaction is to beat up on the gays, a la Carrie Prejean. It’s just in their blood.

Team Pokerface is, of course, a little heart broken. However they get over it quickly. We all know they’d make better hags anyways.

All teams finally arrive in Amsterdam and Team Oreo has problems taking off in their rental car. To which Team Pokerface comments…

I would have LOVED Ms. America to hear this comment. She’d take her earrings off and brain the both of them on the hood of her “luxury car”.

Brian finally gets the car started after some help (not so much with shop class, huh Brian?) and Ms. American chastises him for losing his cool:

Erika: “Bitch bitch bitch!” Brian: Honey, I’m gonna need a little more “Ms. America” and a little less “Sherri Shepherd” back there!

Teams arrived to the hidden statue at the causeway and get their next clue… Head to: Martinitoren. I’d be stoked if this was the home of the “Martini”. Chances? Of course the gays are the first ones to notice the name. Boozers.

Teams head to the city to find this place and Team Master Race is the first to get to the building where they find a roadblock! Climb the windy staircase to the top and count the bells. If they’re wrong? March yo fat ass up to the top and count again. Let’s watch as Matt makes his father do this one too and his heart explodes.

Teams Master Race and BroMos arrive first and Sam and Meghan decide to work together. How fast Team Pokerface is ditched by Sam after the big “reveal”!

It was dark when someone said this. But I’m gonna go with Sam. If he hadn’t just come out, this probably would’ve done the trick.

Sure enough Team Farm Boys opens the clue and Matts gives an “Ugghhh I’ll do it” kind of response. Seriously dude?!? Drop a tire or two.

Ms. America takes off up inside the bell tower and comments it’s not going to be “as easy as it should of been.” Honey – have you seen previous seasons of “Amazing Race”. This has been the “junior edition” for some reason! Normally it would’ve been “Count the number of bells in the tower… while carrying this sack of bricks…wearing roller skates… you have 5 minutes… before we set the tower on fire.”

Sam and Meghan get super confused at the top since Quasimodo starts playing away below…

“Now which key was it that drops the drawbridge to the waterslide leading to the pirate ship?”

Amazingly, Matt makes it down the stairs and gets the number of bells right first! BroMos and Master Race are right behind him. As is Pokerface since blabbermouth SAM tells them! Seriously!? I’ve never seen a team be SO nice to another team for so long!

Team Trotters quickly finish as well BUT… SOMEONE’S still not finished…

Yes. Yes he should have.

Team Bromos, meanwhile, have reached the windmill and get the next clue… a DETOUR! In “Farmer’s Game” teams must swim across a lake (in their undies) and play farmer’s golf. In “Farmer’s Dance” teams must learn a dance, perform it and eat herring. SICK.

However, all teams must first snort a bag of danish coke.

Teams Master Race and BroMos choose “Games” while Team Farm Boys chooses “Dance”.

Moments later everyone realizes who snorted ALL the bags of coke.

Ms. America walks all the way back down to find out she’s still short a couple bells. She looks crushed but, determined, turns around and starts walking up again. You gotta give her credit – Mika’s fucking head would spun around and shot green vomit by now.

Team BroMos arrives to the lake they have to swim across and the bathing suits they have to wear…

Dude… that bikini top is so not your size. Niiiiiiips!

Translation: We’d like to warn the viewers at home of possible shrinkage.

Team Master Race is the next team to hop in and freeze. The boys make it to the golf challenge and after Sam tees a ball off, Dan screams at him for hitting it too hard. To which Sam replies, “I DIDN’T HIT IT HARD DUMBASS. QUIT YELLING.” Love it! For the first time they sounds like brothers and not lovers.

However they quickly get the shot under par (8 shots) on the FIRST TRY! Woooow!

“YES!! I got it in under 8!!!” Speaking of, that’s not the only thing under 8. Apparently the water WAS chilly.

Back at the bell tower, our poor sweet Ms. America, gets it wrong for a 3rd time. Either she gets it right on the 4th try or the piano man’s gonna be shitting piano keys for a month.

Meanwhile, Team Farm Boys is trying to learn the dance routine. And failing. But at least Gary’s adorable while trying it.

Team Pokerface takes off for the dance on their bikes but Maria seems to be having another problem riding hers…

Girl – you get a pole stuck up in your radiator this time… you’re gonna have some problems the strongest tube of Vagisil won’t fix.

Back at the golfing challenge, Meghan’s having quite the time trying to get a hole in one. Love it. They come all this way to get thwarted by the whitest challenge yet.

Teams BroMos nail their last hole (no comment) and get their next clue…

Aaaaand I’m moving to Amsterdam.

Next stop is Zoutkamp Harbor – the pitstop!!! Team BroMos heads off but Team Master Race is still trying to get their first hole. Although, Meghan FINALLY learns to hit the ball farther than 4 feet and they start to do better.

Back at the dance hall, Gary is trying his best to learn the dance steps when Matt realizes that they have to eat the herring after the dance. And because Matt, “Doesn’t like to eat fish”, THEY CHANGE DETOURS AND GO FOR THE OTHER ONE!!! WHAT?! Are you kidding?! If I was his father I’d be like, “That fish isn’t gonna taste half as bad as the face full of ass you’ll get if we lose a million dollars… MIKA.”

Team Master Race finally gets all of their shots done and is off to the pit stop as well. UGH. I hope Team BroMos puts some heat on their feet so these two don’t get first place AGAIN.

Meanwhile, Team Pokerface makes it to the slam-o-matic and try to ring the bell…

They can’t ring the bell for shit. Come girls. Just treat the little thing you slam like you treat men, morals and fashion.

Back at the bottom of the bell tower… Ms. America GET ITS! SHE GETS IT RIGHT!!! I have to admit, although it seemed like an easy task, I give her credit for not falling into the usual “This is the worst ever! I’m gonna throw a tantrum and screw us!” antics that teams usually perform when stuck. She was a trooper.

Up ahead at the pit stop… TEAM BROMOS COME IN FIRST!!! Phil asks if they like “dressing up like that” (ew Phil) and the boys answer “We’re not THAT kind of gay guys!” (Ew BroMos) Diversity people!

“I’m wearing me panties right now! Arrrr!”

They’re both very excited until they hear the prize…

Actually they win a sand buggy. They’d probably use the outfits more.

Trying to stay out of last place, Team Trotters is flying through town on their bicycles…

“Ladies and Gentlemen, The role of Gidget will be played by “Flight Time” this evening.”

Team Pokerface STILL can’t hit the thing hard enough to ring the bell so they GIVE UP and head off to the golf challenge! ARG! Seriously?! They just pickle-fucked themselves.

Team Trotters arrives at the dance hall and high step it around. These clowns jump in to everything head first. Love that. I’m guessing with their on-court shenanigans they should be able to pull this off.

While Team Pokerface jumps into the lake, (TSUNAMI!!! I KID, I KID.) Team Oreo arrives and changes into their outfits. Apparently they’re so intent on whining about the wooden shoes, that they TOTALLY MISS THE BIKES AND WALK!!! Come on kids! READ THE DAMN CLUE!

This scene remind anyone of something else?!

After GETTIN’ DOWN, Team Trotters chokes the fish down and heads off to the pit stop. These guys do seem like a hoot. I hope they stay in the top three.

Back at the slam-o-matic, Team Pokerface CANNOT get the little shooter to even pass the HALFWAY point!!!

SERIOUSLY?! 52 tries to get THREE FEET?!

While Team Pokerface has a good cry about their predicament, Team Oreo is still trudging across the countryside in wooden shoes. Ms. America is about to wear Brian like a fucking hat she’s so pissed. I can’t imagine the blisters you get on your feet from wooden shoes.

Team Trotters and Team Farm boys arrive at the pit stops, respectively and it’s now down to Team Oreo and Team Pokerface for last place. Team Pokerface, dreams crushed by the slam-o-matic, decide to swim AGAIN and try the golfing one more time. WOW. They are seriously screwing the pooch on this leg of the race.

Team Oreo is learning the dance well but I’m wondering if they’ll have to do everything over again since they didn’t take the bikes. Or were the bikes optional?! They quickly dance their way through the rest of the challenge and chow down on the herring…

This sums up why I love this girl. Shiiit.

And I’m guessing this might have something to do with why Amsterdam men are so happy.

And here comes the moment of truth… Team Oreo checks in and gets a 30 minute penalty for not using the bikes! ARG! That SUCKS that they got penalized for not taking the EASIER means of transportation. Although, it would be wise to remember to READ THE CLUE!!!

They should really be worried…

The girls are really tearing it up out there on the playing field.

However, Ms. America, after all that she’s been through, really starts to lose her shit as she waits out the penalty…

“And we weren’t fast enough and then we walked in those shoes and then one time I threw up on purpose and the everyone else started throwing up and then I pushed my sister down the stairs and I BLAMED IT ON THE DOG!! BLAHHHHH!!!”

But after 30 minutes… there’s still no sign of Team Pokerface and Team Oreo is checked in as team number 5!!!

Ms. America, you made it! Isn’t that awesome?!

Oh boy. Someone needs a nap.

After sharing several more hugs in the field (I haven’t seen this many lesbianic field scenes since “Pride & Prejudice”) the Grim Reaper, Phil, finds them and in the sweetest way possible… breaks the news…

HOLY SHIT! I’ve been FREEZING my @#$%! ass off waiting for you two. WTF?! You’re done. Now swim back across the river and pack your shit.

And so, after a touching commentary, Team Pokerface admits defeat, thereby disqualifying themselves and marches off into the great unknown. I would’ve DIED if Phil turned to the camera and said, “Can you believe this was a non-elimination round?”

That’s it! What’d everyone think of the challenges this time around? A little better! Although I’m missing the real death-defying stunts these season. They could have at least stocked that pond with alligators. Any other thoughts? Come on kids and DISH IT!!!