Amazing Race: We’re Number One!

Last week we learned to ask not for whom the bells tolls (cause GUUURRRLLL I just counted those mother f@$kin’ things 4 times!), that sometimes desperation and defeat are the best pokerfaces and never to mix penicillin with Mexican food (this was a more personal lesson). WHY?! Let’s just say there’s a reason Phil never goes south of the border. It’s just can’t stomach the… AMAZING RACE!



We begin in Groining (sp?), Holland – the last pit stop of the race. We are now down to 5 teams and Team BroMos are the first to take off to the next stop, Stockholm, Sweden. OMG – dees eez vere zee Team Master Race shall rool zee race!!! Team BroMos is screwed since I’m sure Team Pokerface took their balls with them.

Their first stop is the Tivoli Grona Lund amusement park where they’ll get their next clue. They have to ride one of those things that shoots you up into the air. WHY can’t Mika be there for this!? Bring her back!

Team Bromos start the leg by bickering with each other over, well, everything. Sam tends to be the more sensitive and calm one while Dan gets angry and flies off the handle. Would it be uncouth to say that Sam’s probably the bottom in the relationship?

Side note: I went the the Amazing Race website to double check on which one is Sam and which one is Dan (I still get them mixed up) and I noticed they posted Team Trotters’ real names…

HERBERT AND NATHANIEL?!?! LMAO!!!! Awwww… (throws grape slushy) NERDS!

Next off, Team Master Race! They mutter something about love, compatibility and how they love Apple Bee’s. Oh yah.

Team Trotters, AKA Nathaniel and Herbert (cue slushy!), take off and let us know it’s Flight Time’s birthday!

Aww… herpes for his birthday? You shouldn’t have!

Third team to leave is Team Farm Boys. Good job Gramps! He’s a sweet guy. I’m glad to see the race hasn’t torn these two apart… yet. I might just be rooting for them. Maybe Gramps can finally get that hip replacement and Matt can FIX HIS FUCKING HAIR.

Team Master Race arrives first and discovers that there are 2 flights leaving the next morning for Sweden. Teams line up at the ticket desk to sleep and wait til morning. Back at the pit stop, Team Oreo, the last team, finally departs and reminisces about their walk in wooden shoes. OOH – we also discover that Erica’s parents don’t approve of her dating a white man! WHAT?!

I take personal offense to that. My people have done SO MUCH for the world. Sunscreen… polka… 3/5′s of “The View”… and other stuff. Right, Team Master Race?! “Don’t forget Apple Bee’s!!” Yes, Team Master Race. We know.

The ticketing desk opens in the morning and the first 3 teams catch the early flight while Team Farm Boys and Team Oreo have to take the second flight. (Does anyone else feel like the producers completely rig this somehow?! It just happens that there’s only enough room for 3 of 5 teams?)

The first 3 teams arrive in Sweden and get their tickets for the train. Team Master Race and Team BroMos make the train in time and…

Dan does a special “Leave train, leave!” dance while Sam gazes at the camera guy. You think the producers outfit them with cups?

And the train ends up leaving without them!

This probably would’ve also been uttered at the red light district had they gone. And you can just see Big Easy thinking, “This fucking thing is just as crazy difficult to read as those watches with the hands!”

Team BroMos go on to say that Team Trotters is their biggest threat. REALLY?! They couldn’t figure out a watch or a ticket machine! Or is it you want to nail Cheynne so it’s best to keep him around. HUH?! I call it like I see it! What do they see in him?! Is he gay too?!

There’s just something about this Mary. Hair spunk included.

The two frontrunner teams make it to the next means of transpo (boat) and then the amusement park. Once there, the clue reads that one person from each team must ride the people-shooter thingy and look for an arrow down below for the next direction.

Up at the top, both guys help each other to look for the arrow…

Personally, I’d sue if they used this camera shot of me.

The boys spot the arrow on the first try and go down together. It last three seconds which is a record for Cheynne.

While Team trotter lags behind, the first two teams find the next challenge…

It’s called, “Spot the Blantantly Obvious Ad Placement”. They win and we lose.

After the easiest challenge in the history of “Amazing Race” (FOR SHAME PHIL!), teams win their gnome and must carry him to the pit stop.

At the next detour they have to work with dynamite and vikings…

Notably, the grown-up version of Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz’s child (left) and that guy from the new Milk commercials.

The challenges are blow shit up and find their buried clue or read confusing viking language to find a hidden viking. Gee. I wonder what EVERYONE’S gonna choose!

Meanwhile, back at the people-shooter…

It’s the shart heard ’round the world.

Team Trotters quickly sees the arrow, wins the gnome and is off to blow shit up. This would’ve been so much more fun if they had to bury the gnome and blow it up. I’d never had to watch another one of those friggin’ used-to-be-cute ad’s again.

Back at the train, Team Oreo makes it on but apparently Team Farm Boys is too busy milking the ticket machine to get on the train in time. 15 minutes later they get on – but are a lil’ bummed to be in last.

Team Oreo arrives at the amusement park and it’s Ms. America that has to do the challenge because Brian’s afraid of heights. That outta win the in-laws over!

OMG. I know who else framed Roger Rabbit.

Team Oreo quickly wins their gnome (thanks to Ms. A’s throwing arm) while Team Farm Boys comes up quick behind them. All teams are headed to the dynamite challenge. LMAO. That viking’s gonna be standing in the middle of the woods for awhile.

“And where the fuck’s my drink order?!”

Team Trotters pull up right behind the first two teams at the dynamite challenge – much to Sam’s dismay (“Dang it!”) The other teams make it abundantly clear they’re not happy to see them. To which Team Trotters reply…

Way to grease the wheels big guy.

The first 3 teams all start piling soil into bags to make their own bunkers for when they blow shit up. Team BroMos uses their hands (as any gay boy knows is key to any situation) while the rest use the shovels. And it looks like Meghan’s becoming increasingly more pissy with Cheynne. Oooooh – this is getting better!

Back with Team Oreo, they find a cab driver that THINKS he knows where they should go!

I have this odd feeling he thinks “Skokloster” is his pet thumb.

We then follow Team Farm Boys around the city as they get lost and mispronounce every street name. It’s pretty funny. The best part is they’re totally serious. Although I was disappointed they never said,

“Fahrvegnugen”.

Up ahead at the pit, Meghan actually tells Cheynne “Encourage me please.” Seriously?! I’d be like… “Here’s your motivation… “If we lose, I’ll beat you for every dollar we don’t win.”

Team BroMos is the first to finish and gets to blow shit up!

Then the boys enjoy a BIG BANG! Right after that, they get dressed and blow up the dynamite.

The boys then find their clue in the rubble which reads to proceed to “Bogs Gard Farm”. Meanwhile, Team Master Race and Team Trotters are still packing sand bags. Although they then finish quickly.

Although Team Master Race finishes the task and heads out, Meghan decides to ride in her own WAAAAAAMBULANCE! Ugh. She bitches and moans and whines to Cheynne that he didn’t listen to her and wouldn’t help her with the rough work. I’m waiting for him to snap and say, “Just shut up and be a man!! No seriously… can you become a man? Pleeeease.”

Meanwhile Team Farm Boys is still lost on the way to the detour. I feel like when I say a team is my favorite to win it’s the kiss of death.

Team Oreo is having problems packing the soil in the bags. Apparently it’s f-in’ up Ms. America’s nails. A girl can only be pushed so far! I’m guessing it’ll be something like when someone shot Princess Vespa’s hair. Anyone?

The rivalry between Team BroMos and Team Trotters is actually getting better and better. They are AT each other. If Team Master Race is smart they’ll play them against each other and take the lead once and for all.

That is, if Team BroMos don’t kill each other first. Sam quips…

I would’ve said, “Can you take your seat belt off and reach something in the front seat for me?” And then SLAMMED on the fucking brakes. “How’s that dashboard taste, BITCH?!?!”

Team BroMos finally reach the Road Block at the farm with Team Master Race close behind. The Roadblock is the site of one of the most frustrating challenges ever – find a clue (1 of 7) hidden in 100 hay rolls. FTL… Fuck their lives. THAT SUCKS. For those of you with hay fever, you’ll want to stop breathing now.

Sam pays himself back for the “bitch” comment when he foolishly volunteers to do this challenge. Meanwhile Dan is SCREAMING at him to roll out the bales and informs him that one team once did this for 10 hours.

Dan: And by the way, I like to watch you breathe when you sleep!

Team Master Race arrives and Meghan asks Cheynne to make the decision of who does it. Cheynne hesitates for about, oh I don’t know, what feels like 20 MINUTES so MEGHAN just decides to do it. WHAT?!!? DOUCHEBAG AWARD! Are you kidding me?! Not only was that completely unchivalristic (I know I made that word up) but that was SUCH a bad race choice! She’s not as strong and will take forever! OMG! WHAT AN ASS!

Mmm Hmm. Let’s check back with you in 8 hours and see how you feel about the “we’re” in that sentence.

On the other hand, Team BroMos are working on their communication…

“SHUT UP!!! I NEVER LOVED YOU! Especially because you made me wear my good hoodie today instead of the onesie that wicks away sweat. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!!!”

Team Trotters arrives and Big Easy (I like it when I can read their names on their shirts!) hops right in. They DEFINITELY have the advantage in this challenge. It’s all about strength and endurance.

Team BroMos are still screaming at each other. Although Dan is being obnoxious with the screaming, he’s sort of right – Sam shouldn’t be picking through every piece of hay. Maybe he lost an earring.

Flight Time asks Meghan to find her clue AFTER they find theirs just for his birthday. He adds, “Doing it topless wouldn’t hurt either.”

Back at the bombing pit, Team Oreo is STILL packing dirt bags. Seriously?!

Yeah. Hurry. Before all one of them gets there.

Just as Team Oreo finishes their bags, Team Farm Boys arrives. Right before Team Oreo blows their dynamite, they remember to protect their gnome.

That would’ve been AWESOME if they blew the dynamite and pieces of him started raining down around them.

“Just waiting around… sooo bored. Hey… what are they pressing on over there?”

Death of a Travelocity contract.

Team Farm Boys get about 30 seconds of screen time at the bomb pit. They were either super fast or the editing is covering up how long they took.

Up ahead at the hay bales, it’s a loooooong process.

Meghan proclaims it the “worst thing she’s ever done”.

You sure about that?

Dan is still SCREAMING at Sam to just unroll the hay instead of sifting through it. I hate that he’s right because if I was Sam I would’ve marched over there and stuffed him like a fucking scarecrow by now.

The good ol’ Missouri “Hello”!

Team Trotters is doing a great job at supporting each other at least. I have to say, I think they’ve been the best (along with Team Farm Boys) with not going negative with each other. They just keeping making references to “hoods” and “wards” which seem to make them happy. Good guys.

OMG! And the karma pays off!!! Big Easy finds a clue!!! MUCH to the dismay of Dan who bitches, “OF COURSE. They only got here THIRD!!!” I would love to see those 2 teams make it to the final 2.

Team Trotters were so excited, I swear I thought they were gonna clothesline these musicians!

They check in as Team #1 and win a trip to Turks and Caicos! NICE! Best part, Flight Time doesn’t know where/what the hell that is.

Let me help…

It’s neither of these things.

Back on the field, Meghan and Sam are having BREAKDOWNS while Team Oreo and Team Farm Boys arrive. Team Oreo chooses Brian (GOOD CHOICE) and Farm boys choose Gramps (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!).

At some point, Dan tries to change his tune and be more supportive while Meghan continues to burst into tears. HOT MESS on the field folks!

My favorite scene will be when the farmer who owns this land walks out to check on his bales of hay and promptly murders the entire cast and crew of “Amazing Race”.

But Meghan fins her clue and is saved! She decides to run and surprise Cheynne…

By breaking her ankle. You know Ms. America was thinking, “Maybe I should kick this bitch while she’s down.”

Soon after, Team Oreo finds the next one!!! SON OF A BITCH! I’d be LIVID if I was Sam!!! LIVID!! How cruel!!!

Sam takes a page from the book of “Team Pokerface: Throwing a Challenge”

Luckily for Dan, he smartens up and tries to be more supportive. Meanwhile Gramps is about 5 seconds away from heart failure. Luckily I believe Sweden has free healthcare.

AND Sam finally finds a clue!!! Wow! He earned it though. Looked through every piece of hay in the field.

“Heeeey buddy. Remember that time you wanted to snap my spine and shove the gnome up my ass? Ha, ha. That was fun.”

Team BroMos check in and Dan cries. I’m sorry. WHO just dug through 60 million pounds of hay?!!

“It’s my hay fever, I tell you. HAY FEVER… BWAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

Finally, after almost 3 hours (better than last time!), Team Farm Boys checks in… and are NOT eliminated!!!! WOW! Good for them! It gives Matt a chance to WORK HIS FAT FUCKING ASS OFF AND GIVE HIS DAD A BREAK!!! SHIT.

And that’s it! Whew! What a leg! This was a pretty good episode. The emotions are raw and ready to rumble! What did you all think?! Come on kids and DISH IT!!!